Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

MIL’s husband automatically being called Papa?

29 replies

Dilemmaemmaaa · 04/02/2023 15:20

My husband’s parents split when he was young and both have other partners now. FIL’s wife is nice, MIL’s husband I find very creepy and controlling of her but that’s another story 🙄 I’m not comfortable with our baby being at their house without one of us because of it but they have never realised this as they don’t ever ask to have him anyway. Her husband has children and grandchildren of his own that he doesn’t see - for reasons my husband doesn’t know, hasn’t seen them in 20 years, raises another red flag for me.

When our son was born, MIL instantly made a big thing of writing (not his real name) ‘Papa Graham’ after her name on any cards etc and really emphasises saying stuff about papa when she sees our little boy. He has never made any effort with him and I don’t think it should have been assumed we’d be okay with him being called papa when he’s not. It should just be Gran and Graham surely? Is this the case with most people in this situation?

OP posts:
RoseThornside · 04/02/2023 15:21

Ignore her calling him that and just call him Graham.

Oakbeam · 04/02/2023 15:22

Yes, unless it’s a Dolmio advert.

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 15:22

She doesn't get to choose, you do. Or your son when he's old enough.

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 15:23

How often do you actually get together with this couple in person?

WillYouDoTheFandango · 04/02/2023 15:24

We always called my nan’s husband by his first name eg Nan and Bob. I’d just refer to them like that if you don’t want him to be Papa. Also I’d find papa annoying anyway unless you’re somewhere that doesn’t use grandad as surely that should be saved for your DP.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 04/02/2023 15:24

Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 15:22

She doesn't get to choose, you do. Or your son when he's old enough.

Why is this? Our parents had a preference of what they would be called by their grandchildren and we went along with that.

Original poster
Dilemmaemmaaa · 04/02/2023 15:25

@Whatislove82 not that often but my husband takes our son to see them about once a month, she doesn’t ever text to ask to see him any other times. I only see them if it’s something like Christmas, birthdays etc and I can’t get out of it as I find him so creepy

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemmaemmaaa · 04/02/2023 15:26

@Muchtoomuchtodo that’s fair enough for parents but he isn’t my husbands parent, he’s a partner of his parent

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 04/02/2023 15:26

Muchtoomuchtodo · 04/02/2023 15:24

Why is this? Our parents had a preference of what they would be called by their grandchildren and we went along with that.

Show quote history

He's not her Dad. Or her dh's Dad.

Original poster
Dilemmaemmaaa · 04/02/2023 15:27

@WillYouDoTheFandango yeah we’re somewhere where most people use papa rather than grandad

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 04/02/2023 15:27

In that case , surely at some stage you would ask the person what they'd like the child to call them. They wouldn't be automatically Gran or Graham, it would just be a title that you negotiate with them
My kids had four grandparents too. They are called Grandad , Poppy, Grandma and Nanna.

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 15:28

Dilemmaemmaaa · 04/02/2023 15:25

@Whatislove82 not that often but my husband takes our son to see them about once a month, she doesn’t ever text to ask to see him any other times. I only see them if it’s something like Christmas, birthdays etc and I can’t get out of it as I find him so creepy

So this is a very very infrequent interaction?

mainly on cards?

just 🤷‍♀️ and when older say to your child… oh he likes to be called papa, but call him whatever you want even his first name if you want because he sure as heck isn’t your papa

as an aside… my child wouldn’t be within a 5mile radius of someone I had red flags about and found “very creepy”

R0ckets · 04/02/2023 15:29

As others have said just refer to him as Graham, he can write or call himself what ever he likes but if you call him Graham that's what is going to stick and that's likely to be what your child calls him as he grows up.

It is weird though as everyone I know with a similar set up does it the way you would and the parents partner is just called by their name.

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 15:30

How old is your baby out of interest?

you’re worrying about your child being ask to call this man a certain name rather than your child being in the vicinity, let alone the home, of someone you regard as very creepy?

mumoffourminimes · 04/02/2023 15:32

Oakbeam · 04/02/2023 15:22

Yes, unless it’s a Dolmio advert.

🤣

Original poster
Dilemmaemmaaa · 04/02/2023 15:32

@Whatislove82 yeah this is true. The problem is, I have absolutely no evidence that he is a danger to anyone. There are major red flags for me but I’ve said to my husband and he just sort of shrugs it off. The main issue with him is how controlling he is with MIL. She can’t for example just jump in the car and nip to the shops herself, they would have to go together. He seems to have cut her off from all life outside their house and she’s now extremely lazy and won’t put herself out for anyone because she has to run everything past him and he seems to discourage anything that involves doing anything.

I can’t cause a massive family rift just on the basis that I find him creepy though but I have suggested that my husband raises the controlling thing with his mum somehow (when he’s not there, which is never 🤦🏼‍♀️). I just have to keep them at arm’s length instead

OP posts:
Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 15:35

How old is your baby?

Sallyh87 · 04/02/2023 15:35

My FIL is awful (MIL great), we are low contact bordering on no contact with him. My MIL insists on writing from Granddad FIL name on all cards. I’m fairly sure I am being unreasonable being annoyed but I think it will lead to an awkward conversation with my children in a few years about him.

Anyway, I have decided, why am I letting it bother me? She can refer to him as anything she wants and when they ask about him, I’ll just say he is horrible and we don’t see him.

I think you should employ the same strategy, just ignore it and continue to call him by his name.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 04/02/2023 15:36

Honestly, why does it matter?

Whatislove82 · 04/02/2023 15:37

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 04/02/2023 15:36

Honestly, why does it matter?

Exactly

sounds like your inlaws don’t intend to have a close relationship with your baby

and sounds like very infrequent contact

so 🤷‍♀️

mumoffourminimes · 04/02/2023 15:38

I would just refer to him as Graham, Graham in all cards and interactions. If they want to say Papa just ignore, hope they get the message eventually.

Original poster
Dilemmaemmaaa · 04/02/2023 15:39

@Sallyh87 that sounds infuriating too! It is best just to ignore it though. I haven’t ever called him anything really. I avoid going to their house as much as possible and I was writing their Christmas card and actually ended up writing nothing at the top because I thought if I just write his name she’s going to open it and make a big thing of it in the middle of the living room but you’re right, I should just say/write graham

OP posts:
OneForTheRoadThen · 04/02/2023 15:41

My stepdad is Papa to my children, never occurred not to really as they've been together a long time. But it's up to you, whatever you feel most comfortable with.

Reinventinganna · 04/02/2023 15:42

Dilemmaemmaaa · 04/02/2023 15:39

@Sallyh87 that sounds infuriating too! It is best just to ignore it though. I haven’t ever called him anything really. I avoid going to their house as much as possible and I was writing their Christmas card and actually ended up writing nothing at the top because I thought if I just write his name she’s going to open it and make a big thing of it in the middle of the living room but you’re right, I should just say/write graham

Lead by example. Call him his name, ‘ we’re going to see grandma and graham

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2023 15:52

Reinventinganna · 04/02/2023 15:42

Lead by example. Call him his name, ‘ we’re going to see grandma and graham

Show quote history

This is what I would do. Your child will follow your lead rather than MIL's simply because he sees them so little. At some point DC might ask why you and MIL refer to Graham differently, but not for years yet.

Trust your gut on Graham.

Swipe left for the next trending thread