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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

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43 replies

Francesca1986 · 31/01/2023 06:05

Hello

I’m due my first baby in May

I’ve just found out my boyfriend’s parents are planning to visit from Australia and stay with us for 3 MONTHS pretty much immediately after my due date.

They will be spending time travelling around the U.K. and Europe - but largely staying with us.

We live in a 2 bed flat and trying to buy a house at the moment - although unlikely we’ll have anywhere before little one arrives.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by the whole idea - I may appreciate the help, especially as I may need a C-section for medical reasons but I can’t help feeling like I’m going to want space for just the 3 of us to get to grips with everything!!

I’ve tried talking to my other half, suggesting we’ll be on top of eachother, maybe we look at air bnbs for them close by as they’ll want their own space too - he insists they won’t and the point of visiting is to spend time with us and the baby.

I’ve only met his parents once a few years ago, boyfriend will be working full time after his initial few weeks paternity leave. I’m excited to see them but feel like I’m going to be miserable on my maternity leave, having to entertain them and not having the freedom to use that time as I would have liked!!

Sorry for the rant, just dreading this time now rather than looking forward to it.

OP posts:
PurBal · 31/01/2023 06:27

This doesn’t sound ideal OP. I think most MN would normally say put your foot down with DP and he needs to deal with his parent but Australia does complicate things. What about your parents? Can you shift in laws by saying your parents are coming to help? Is it possible to suggest 2 weeks and then they travel for a bit and come back at a later stage? I didn’t have anyone stay after DS was born and I could only do about 2 hours at a time of socialising. I think you need to explain to DP that you’re going to be tired and adapting to a new person and in no uncertain terms can you have guests for 3 months. Have you ever had guests for 3 months before?

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 31/01/2023 06:30

Airbnb all the way! Put your foot down now! You have a baby, you can’t host too. Honestly this would have been my biggest nightmare. You need time with baby and resting times not hosting responsibilities. It will end in tears, unless they book an Airbnb .

crhendy · 31/01/2023 06:35

I’m sorry but you’re totally justified in saying no. I didn’t even know if it was night and day in the first 6 weeks and was physically all over the place with hormones, recovery and breastfeeding. I spent a lot of time on the sofa with my boobs out!!! Also a newborn really can’t be separated from their mother for long periods of time, so it’s not like you can make the most of having them there.

I would use the fact you don’t have your house yet to insist they Airbnb or push their visit back to when the baby is >6 months so they can actually be useful.

Teaandchocolate2222 · 31/01/2023 06:38

It might feel uncomfortable saying no but trust me it will feel so much more uncomfortable living with your in laws for three months. You will be tired and emotional so no matter HOW lovely they are it is too much to have house guests this long. I think it's completely reasonable that they get a place nearby to give you some space to bond. You will most likely be in a state of relative undress if you decide to breastfeed, you need calm and privacy. I would say they can stay for 2-3 days max then they need to find somewhere to stay. Good luck, and sorry you have this pressure!

custardbear · 31/01/2023 06:41

OMG just no! You need to bond as a family, without any distractions. Yes day trips sone days to visit - for an hour or so. They can pamper you by helping out so you can have a shower or sleep and taking over for a bit when needed, but your DH must understand this would be a stretch in normal times, with a baby you'll be overwhelmed and plain miserable! I doubt you'd want to establish bf with them over your shoulder, you'll be bleeding, need to sleep in the day time and be up at night with a crying baby - just no

turnipash · 31/01/2023 07:07

They need an air bnb

💯

LittleLegoWoman · 31/01/2023 07:11

They need an airbnb.
You’ll want both bedrooms to cope with the crappy baby sleep.
Put something one of you can sleep on sometimes in the 2nd bedroom (if there’s not already a bed in there).

worried4698643 · 31/01/2023 07:12

You need to make this clear to them as soon as possible.

Hi in-laws. Really looking forward to seeing you in a few month and spending time with you.

However we just haven't got the room for you to stay and we will need some time as parents with our newborn alone.

Here are some links to local places to stay.

Let me know if you need any help booking.

See you soon.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 31/01/2023 07:17

I'd refuse, air BnB or they can't visit. A two bed is very small when you have a newborn and 3 months is a very long time when your sleep deprived.

cosmiccosmos · 31/01/2023 07:26

As the saying goes on MN - you have a DH problem.

You've said you would rather they didn't say and why, he ignores you. I would be telling him they either stay in a hotel or he had all the time iff work or you'll go and stay with your parents. No doubt he'll be expecting you to cook, clean and entertain? He sounds clueless and selfish already, you need to be more assertive NOW.

Whilst I'm on a rant - what is it with people that they think it's ok to go and stay with someone whose just given birth? Whilst I know some will be ok most would rather bond with their baby and rest.

Original poster
Francesca1986 · 31/01/2023 07:32

I know you’re all right - thank you!

I’ve found a local air bnb, will talk to boyfriend again tonight. I don’t think he’s being intentionally selfish - just that he genuinely has no idea what it’s going to be like with a newborn!

OP posts:
LittleLegoWoman · 31/01/2023 08:04

Convince your DP by telling him no one will sleep with a crying newborn in the house and it’s better if they a have an airbnb nearby where they can sleep well at night and be refreshed and happy to see you and your baby during the day :)

StarsSand · 31/01/2023 08:05

Noooooo put them in an air B&B.

My in laws insisted on visiting every day and I honestly think it was a big part of me falling into PND.

You need some space and privacy.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 31/01/2023 08:26

If he says no to air BnB simply say "okay but I hope in-laws are ready to stay up with the baby at night, so kind for you and them to offer to do all the night time feeds so I can sleep for the first 3 months." Grin good luck!

BurbageBrook · 31/01/2023 08:32

Just no! This would be an ‘absolutely not’ from me, you need time and space on your own! Even staying with you for 2 days would be too much when you’ve just given birth. They can stay in a hotel or Airbnb.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 31/01/2023 08:38

Please don’t let them do this to your maternity leave, you’ll really resent it. Especially when they aren’t people you’re very familiar with.

I think as a compromise he takes holiday and they stay with you for say a week then they base themselves at an air bnb or similar.

if he doesn’t agree to that he risks doing irreparable damage to all of your relationships

LightDrizzle · 31/01/2023 08:40

Oh god! He’s clueless. I hope he gets it.
Not only must you stand your ground, but try to get through to him that even if his mum and dad were or are the sweetest, funniest, most helpful people on the planet, they’ve inadvertently hit upon the one way to ensure a damaged relationship with you. You will need space and privacy, short initial visits will be lovely.

I can’t believe he thinks it would be fine to go back to work leaving them with you.

Point out HE grew up with them, you didn’t. Living with them was his norm for 18 years but you have never lived with them.

Poor thing! What an awkward situation. He is a total plank.

LightDrizzle · 31/01/2023 08:46

You will have to be honest and clear that even if THEY are are okay with all the downsides, you aren’t. You are worried about you, and you are right to be. Birth and mothering a newborn are intensely demanding experiences.

He is being very solipsistic.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 31/01/2023 08:46

The constantly having your boobs out point is a valid one. I know this wouldn’t bother some people, tbh it didn’t bother me, but my FIL was weird about the tits, he’d vacate the room theatrically and ‘go for a walk.’ In January😂Then DMIL started trying to convince me to go upstairs and sit alone in my (freezing) bedroom for half an hour every two and a half hours 😂 It’s funny because even with a really straightforward labour your body can go through major turmoil, it feels like just about every private part of you needs to be either soaked or aired or pumped or wrapped in cold cabbage leaves or you need to sit on a special cushion cos your arse is in rags or whatever - in short, you might reasonably need a little bit more privacy than four adults in a two bed flat can provide. If your in-laws were in that sort of state cos of a non-pregnancy related issue would they expect you to be there like ‘hiiiii people I don’t really know can I stay forevvvvveer’ Doubt it!

Rinkydinkydoodle · 31/01/2023 08:50

LightDrizzle · 31/01/2023 08:46

You will have to be honest and clear that even if THEY are are okay with all the downsides, you aren’t. You are worried about you, and you are right to be. Birth and mothering a newborn are intensely demanding experiences.

He is being very solipsistic.

This^^

It might be total ignorance of the frequently icky reality on DH part. I know mine hadn’t a clue before we had DS. I suppose the older generation hid a lot, and have forgotten a lot. And from your side to them, it’s not personal, it’s just the way it is. People forget it’s a big physical thing for women, we’re not sweet little baby making robots😂

Username98765432 · 31/01/2023 08:52

having anyone to stay, no matter how helpful (and you don’t know that they will be) at a time when you are recovering, getting to know your baby, potentially trying to establish breast feeding and, finding a routine that works for you etc would be a big fat no.

those first three months are known as the fourth trimester for a reason.

he’s deluded if he thinks it’s a good idea, it’s not best for you, it’s not best for your baby, and he’s going to be at work.

he should acknowledge he doesn’t get a say as he’s not the one whose going to be at home with people you don’t know well for three months on and off at a time when you should be able to recover and just enjoy being with your baby.

he needs to focus on settling in as a family together.

to be honest I’d be saying no to a 3 month visit even if in an air bnb as it will still put you under pressure to have them round on days wheee you may just want to sit in pjs on the sofa with a baby latched onto your boob. They could come when you are settled as a family unit (eg 6months?) and can probably enjoy the visit more. And still stay in an air bnb if that’s what you feel you need at the time.

LittleLegoWoman · 31/01/2023 09:04

If they haven’t actually booked the tickets yet then coming when baby is 3months -6months would be much better.

LittleLegoWoman · 31/01/2023 09:07

Sorry, I’ve reread the OP and it does sound like it’s already booked. Really push for the air bnb. If they have their own space, and are respectful of you needing time alone too, it could be lovely.

Topseyt123 · 31/01/2023 09:07

This would be a massive "NO" from me, and I am not one of these "don't visit without an appointment until baby is several weeks old" types that you do see on here.

Three months is much too long in such a confined space even under normal circumstances. Two or three days I could probably do, but beyond that they would need an air BnB.

Put your foot down. This is a recipe for disaster with a newborn in the mix, and a DH who won't even be there for most of the time.

faultythighs · 31/01/2023 09:17

You will resent this time and carry this for life including trigging pnd. Your partner should be focusing on you and the baby. Does your parents or family live by? Honestly if he pulls a stint like that, I would stay round there's where you feel comfortable the most. A friends DH did something similar and my friend packed her stuff and went to her mums for 2 weeks.