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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

IN LAWS

43 replies

Francesca1986 · 31/01/2023 06:05

Hello

I’m due my first baby in May

I’ve just found out my boyfriend’s parents are planning to visit from Australia and stay with us for 3 MONTHS pretty much immediately after my due date.

They will be spending time travelling around the U.K. and Europe - but largely staying with us.

We live in a 2 bed flat and trying to buy a house at the moment - although unlikely we’ll have anywhere before little one arrives.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by the whole idea - I may appreciate the help, especially as I may need a C-section for medical reasons but I can’t help feeling like I’m going to want space for just the 3 of us to get to grips with everything!!

I’ve tried talking to my other half, suggesting we’ll be on top of eachother, maybe we look at air bnbs for them close by as they’ll want their own space too - he insists they won’t and the point of visiting is to spend time with us and the baby.

I’ve only met his parents once a few years ago, boyfriend will be working full time after his initial few weeks paternity leave. I’m excited to see them but feel like I’m going to be miserable on my maternity leave, having to entertain them and not having the freedom to use that time as I would have liked!!

Sorry for the rant, just dreading this time now rather than looking forward to it.

OP posts:

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 31/01/2023 09:24

Agree with PP it will be awkward now but less so than having to host for three months with a newborn whilst trying to establish routines, potentially breastfeeding etc.
I would be making clear to your partner that these are not decisions to be made alone, he has a family to think about now and it's selfish to agree to someone staying for such a long time during the most precious time
When you should be able to just float around in your baby bubble bliss. You will never get that time back and you need to put the foot down now to protect it.
Good luck

StarsSand · 31/01/2023 09:25

LightDrizzle · 31/01/2023 08:46

You will have to be honest and clear that even if THEY are are okay with all the downsides, you aren’t. You are worried about you, and you are right to be. Birth and mothering a newborn are intensely demanding experiences.

He is being very solipsistic.

That's my vocabulary word for the day, thanks for that! That one will come in handy.

And yes to everything else as well!

bussteward · 31/01/2023 09:29

Francesca1986 · 31/01/2023 07:32

I know you’re all right - thank you!

I’ve found a local air bnb, will talk to boyfriend again tonight. I don’t think he’s being intentionally selfish - just that he genuinely has no idea what it’s going to be like with a newborn!

Some things you can explain to him – I’m currently in the newborn throes with a five week old and have done it before in a small flat:

Sleep! Once the nighttime poos stop so you don’t need help with nappies, everyone gets more sleep with mum and baby in one room and dad in another (if EBF), or sleeping in shifts (if doing formula or expressing), and everyone feels SANER if you get a block of sleep in a bedroom where the baby isn’t. Even if your baby sleeps, they sleep loudly: like a screeching warthog. Day and night lose all meaning for a while and having visitors on a “getting up for breakfast” and “going to bed at night” schedule is disturbing and wrong when you’re staggering about in a dazed milky state.

Bathrooms! Assume you just have one? There is so much gross bathroom stuff where you’ll just want privacy and to be a bathroom hog: the first postpartum poos are a rite of passage and one not to be endured with visitors hovering outside wanting a wee. Plus there’s lochia. This time around I picked up a bug in hospital and had chronic diarrhoea for the first five days at home – I could NOT have had visitors wanting access to the loo. Ditto lochia, there were occasions where something came loose and I had to sprint to the loo and it just came flooding out.

Feeding! If you’re going to breastfeed, newborns often clusterfeed in the evenings. You will genuinely want to just be topless, or in a vest you can just yank down. My baby feeds constantly from 5-11pm and between each feed has a habit of delatching with a dramatic Simone Biles flourish, exposing my boob to all, before face planting on it to sleep for two minutes before he starts rooting for milk again. It’s not really an audience participation sport.

Delirium! Visitors are nice: they come and bring sandwiches and make you tea and hold the baby while you wee or shower or sit on your bed staring idly into space for five minutes. But personally I don’t have the brain power for conversation or company beyond that right now: the baby may be on you a lot so you’ll feel peopled-out, feeding sucks out both the milk but also the power of thought for a bit. Even DP saying stuff to me just goes in one ear and out the other; I’m basically only coping with watching Greg’s Anatomy and eating chocolate.

Really really really stress to your boyfriend what your body will go through during birth and what the recovery period looks like. Read up on the fourth trimester. Those first three months are for you the mother, and your baby, to bond and recover and rest and recuperate. They’re not for hosting anyone. Even the nicest most well-meaning family.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 31/01/2023 09:33

Ask him isn't he going to be too shattered helping during the night and hosting by day?

HereIfYouNeedMe · 31/01/2023 10:06

What's his mum thinking?! Talk to her directly if you need to, surely she'd understand?

Tabitha888 · 31/01/2023 10:25

Gosh what's wrong with people. You'll need your space. Keep strong op do it for your baby x

halloumi1 · 31/01/2023 10:41

Hopefully he comes round to your way of thinking. You’re the one going through birth and all of the hormones and after bits of labour so you absolutely are priority in what you need.

Just my MIL wanting to come all the time and being ridiculously overbearing was enough to contribute to me getting PND, never mind having to have her living with us.

Butwhytho · 31/01/2023 10:44

Put your foot down. Airbnb nearby would be absolutely fine but long term visitors straight after your first baby in a two bed flat, nah. Your boyfriend needs to shut the fuck up, he’s not even going to be there for the most part and, going out on a limb, he’s sure as shit not going to be doing the majority of the grunt work after the first month or so.. if that given he’ll be back to work after two weeks.
No. Don’t let this happen. Think of what’s good for you, and stick to your guns.

Deut28 · 31/01/2023 11:02

My in-laws live abroad and had similar plans. We've managed to convince them to come for 'just' 2 months (split with other relatives) and when the baby is a few months old for all the reasons PPs have said about the newborn days.

This article is great on visitors and recovery from birth. You could share it with your DH. motherofalllists.com/2018/05/14/recovering-after-having-a-baby/

SBR1 · 31/01/2023 11:39

I'd strongly consider trying to get them to rebook for 9 months when you're going back to work or even a year. Help then will be fantastic & they'll actuay get some positive interaction with baby.
Assuming they won't be regular visitors from Australia they will get so much more out of a visit then.
As for staying 3 months with you & a newborn...absolutely not. I think you'll have to put your foot down. Even at air b n b locally would feel like pressure to be on hand & entertaining.
I'd echo what everyone else has said & add to it you'll be very hormonal close to birth & immediately after. Nip this in the bud now.

SBR1 · 31/01/2023 11:43

Also to be fair to your partner, if you've said your reservations are about them needing space t toohen of course he's going to try to reassure you about that & then you're worried about putting people out.
It isn't about them at all & it shouldn't be.
Own your feelings & say it is out if the question for you & i think he'll understand.

Throughabushbackwards · 31/01/2023 12:54

THREE MONTHS. Good lord.

I'm Australian and had my babies here in the U.K. My parents stayed about 3 weeks in local BnB. I love them and it was nice for them to be there, but I was glad to see them leave both times so we could really relax and adjust.

Book the Airbnb, today if possible!

plumduck · 31/01/2023 12:57

Francesca1986 · 31/01/2023 07:32

I know you’re all right - thank you!

He is. He hasn't even asked you. He's told you they are coming and removed your agency.

Be very careful he sounds controlling.

StarsSand · 01/02/2023 05:21

If they are coming from Australia they might have no concept of how small your home is.

Fingers crossed your in laws are reasonable people- despite this ludicrous idea of theirs!

deeperthanallroses · 01/02/2023 05:29

3m even if in and out is just way too long when you hardly know them and have a newborn and not much room. They will use you as a waystation to relax and do their washing etc, and may not even help.

HappyAsASandboy · 01/02/2023 05:35

No way will you want two people you barely know in your small home with you when you have just had a baby.

To put it bluntly, you will be tired, emotional, physically recovering, leaking unfamiliar fluids from everywhere you can imagine, and all that will make you sensitive. Having two people who are able to get washed dressed and look presentable each morning when you're running on empty having been up all night with a baby will make you resentful.

Those first few months are very hard, but it's not the sort of hard that other people can help you with. You and your husband will need to stretch yourselves into a differently shaped family, and you need that new shape to be three-people big not five-people big!

Find a way to say no.

GC2023 · 01/02/2023 11:44

Hi, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. As someone who has lived abroad and has now moved home and brought my husband back with me, I am very familiar with the pressure to see and be close to family who are visiting from overseas.

I think this is a very sensitive issue and you husband maybe just doesn't understand that just because it's family, doesn't mean it's comfortable for you. But he will want them there.

With experience when my other half's family visited, they did not stay with us but they were entirely dependent on us (wouldn't drive, go anywhere alone etc). It left us fighting, stressed and me in tears - and this was not even with a new baby!

My husband learnt very quickly that proximity doesn't always mean it's easy. I would have an honest chat with hubby again about this and be firm in your wants/needs. The fact he is working makes this worse as it's not even like he is around to help!

Would they map out an agenda where they are with you a few days then travelling? Then a few days again and travelling somewhere else?

corcaithecat · 01/02/2023 12:58

YANBU and might need to show your DP this thread. He clearly has no experience of early parenthood from the new mum's perspective but he needs to accept that it can be a huge shock to the system and no amount of planning can ameliorate this.

We live abroad and when we went to visit DIL and the new baby, we booked into a nearby hotel. Wouldn't dream of suggesting they host. She had enough to do getting to grips with being a new mum.

However, I also had 4yr old DS at the same time so I could easily remember what it was like in the early days.

The fact they live in Australia is irrelevant really. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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