Family politics around newborn visits

[Boniodog22]

I’m 38 + 2 days now…
my mum is due to fly in from Scotland to help support with the newborn as hubby is back at work.

This is our first baby.
The pregnancy itself has been good but the family dynamics and politics has been awful…..

My mother keeps comparing situations to when she gave birth and my sister in laws birth ten years ago…..
Im losing the Will tbh and I’m at the point where I feel like blocking everyone on my phone until after the birth.

My midwife and consultant have both advised no visitors for 2 weeks to recover from my caesarean and to assist with lessening the pressure and challenge from my husband large family visiting with their children and to support routine, recovery and immune systems.
Long story - my husbands family do not respect boundaries and will visit with a cold etc as they really don’t care….

Weve taken this on board and shared guidance from my consultant and midwife - as apparently I won’t even be in hospital long if all goes ok cause of the high levels of flu, novovirus and covid currently…..so visits we have suggested are at home.

Weve suggested that during Feb we have Grandparents only visit with a plan to see everyone else - large family etc - in March when the baby has a stronger immune system.

My mum is unhappy about this insisting my brother and sister visit in Feb whilst she is staying with us, ignoring our request and what could result in my husbands family also rebelling and then wanting to visit if they hear all my family have been over.

We’ve worked hard to ensure we have a robust, fair visiting plan due to such a large family on husbands side - 8 siblings, resulting in over 25+ visitors with children potentially all visiting in the first few weeks 😳
Not something I’d want when I’m recovering from a c-section and got a newborn…..

My mum has kicked off tonight saying I’m being unreasonable and that people should be allowed to visit so she can then see my two siblings whilst she stays with us for 2 weeks.

My sister cut me off when we first announced our pregnancy as she couldn’t cope with the news and I’ve since only had 3 small emails from her in the 9 months - often talking about herself….so having her visit is fine, yes, but I’m not prepared to then place my baby in a vulnerable position due to my husbands family then also wanting to visit as a result of the one visit…..

I feel really stressed by it - I think my mum is being selfish trying to make me change our visiting plans so she can have what she wants and the pressure to try and implement my plans and wishes has resulted in her saying I’m acting unreasonable, I have an issue, touchy, inconsiderate and ridiculous.

When I defend myself by saying I’m not changing the plans, she then tells me I’m using the child as an emotional pawn and being extreme.

This baby was a miracle for us but I’m really hating the political aspect of this and the family demands.

Ive said this is my body, my baby and our decision please respect it and see my brother and sister another time if you want to spend time with them….

Shes sulking.

We had similar reaction from her when I told her we were getting married just the 2 of us abroad 4 years ago cause she started making demands, alongside my husbands family which became so stressful we decided go away in the end….

Your baby = your rules. It’s not up to her, it’s up to you and your husband. I appreciate your mum isn’t happy with this but it’s not her decision and it’s not a competition 🤷‍♀️

Your mum should be more concerned about you recovering from pregnancy etc and her grandchild's immune system than her own selfish demands. If she makes one more comment I'd uninvite her

I feel you’re being quite precious and overly formal describing a ‘robust’ visiting schedule. Babies don’t operate according to a schedule so I hope you’re going to be flexible.

I say this as someone who had a much wanted and long tried for baby in deepest, darkest November 2021 by section so I’ve been there with all the concerns about illness etc. I wasn’t even out of hospital until 2 weeks after my baby was born.

I’d try not to say too much until your baby arrives and you know what you’re dealing with in terms of recovery, your mood, the baby you get and a whole host of other things. People tend to keep their opinions to themselves once the baby has arrived so save all your PFBing for then, you’ll probably get a lot less comments.

I stressed about visitors myself, it wasn’t worth it. My little girl is 14 months now and I can’t believe I used to think about any of it so much!

Just to say newborns actually lose immunity to illness during the first few weeks of life, your baby's immune system won't "strengthen" in the 3-4 weeks after birth: www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/childrens-health/how-long-do-babies-carry-their-mothers-immunity/

I also married into a very large family and I kind of felt loads of visitors came with the territory, I wouldn't have insisted aunts and uncles wait a month to meet a new niece/nephew. So I do feel you are being a bit over the top. But there is clearly a history here so you are entitled to set the boundaries you want.

Let her sulk. Stand your ground. Don't give in to your mum, yanbu. She is the one using the baby as a pawn. Not you. Stay firm, stay strong. Keep saying no!

It's up to you at the end of the day however I would just see how you feel when baby is here. With both of mine I couldn't wait to show them off. And whilst you may feel different I honestly don't know anyone in real life that didn't allow visitors for 4+ weeks, it's something that I only ever read about on here.

Thanks all
It’s been really tough as I spoke to my Mum about the potential plan for visits if all goes the way the midwife has described and she was fully on board with it and supportive.
Since then, she pushed twice regarding bending the plan so it met her needs and her wishes.
She has even challenged the non driving for 2-6 weeks after the caesarean stating it’s a load of nonsense and us driving an 1 1/2 hours to see her friends with the newborn and staying over night in a hotel during her stay.
She feels the baby will have an immune system after 1-2 breastfeeds which I’ve advised is not correct…..
Alongside my husbands family who have ‘joked’ about hiring a mini bus to travel the hour all together to come and see the new baby - which makes sense but to me sounds totally overwhelming just after birth and entertaining 20+ people and children I ended up getting upset yesterday just feeling it was all too much.

I’ll be ignoring any messages today and sticking to the plan we have in place - people will just have to feel upset or frustrated

Hi,

One solution for the hisbands family an hour away is that you book to go there. .....ask someone else to host .....arrange it for about 3 weeks after birth and off you go. Because you are the visitor - you decide how long you stay. (90 minutes/2hours and you can leave again).

Can your mum go see your sister for a bit while you sleep? Is that possible?

We had family a long way away and they did make a massive drive just to stay a short time - first grandchild. Other family waited a month. Except my cousin who presented at the hospital the next day......lol. (be warned - it's almost impossible to refuse visitors in hospital because they just appear!)

God, I’d be tempted to cancel her visit entirely. It sounds like she will be no help to you at all.

I think you’ve possibly made a mistake communicating a visiting plan, as it’s given people the opportunity to have an opinion.

Maybe consider announcing the birth however you choose along with “no unannounced visits please, we’ll be in touch to arrange” and leave it as that.

congratulations, hope the delivery goes smoothly

I agree with reader up thread about you taking baby to visit husband's family for 2 hours. Leave it for 3 weeks after baby born so you feel more comfortable after section and baby will hopefully be into feeding routine. That way you choose how long you stay.

I do think that it is up to you and everyone needs to suck it up,but you are being ott and unreasonable.

I have a 6 week old. I was out less than 24 hours post section. We all went for lunch for mil's birthday 2 days later. It was all grand.

@Boniodog22 what have you not driving got to do with her?! Plus it’s a medical thing and may well impact on your insurance is my understanding. It sounds like both sides of the family need to start learning to keep their noses out.

You may be struggling with post op pain, establishing breastfeeding and maybe emotional stuff following the birth. Your priority is your baby and your own health, so everyone else can hold off.

Baby immunity is stronger for the first few weeks, but if you get a virus, you're likely to be very much affected, especially after major abdominal surgery. There are some nasty viruses around at the moment and the last thing you want is to be sneezing or vomiting with stitches, let alone looking after your baby while ill.

Husband needs to step in as your 'bouncer' so that you only get short visits from the people you actually want to see. Everyone else can be sent photos or a Zoom/Teams call.

So I totally get how stressful this is but like PPs I also think there is an element of control here that’s probably not being reasonable. You can only ever impose these ‘schedules’ with the firstborn. My third born was on the school run by Week 2 and at swimming lessons and being generally dragged around behind her siblings. It’s not like she was born with a different immune system to others. (And I say this as the parent of a child who did have RSV- when he was 9 months old…and did end up in hospital).

It’s okay for people to visit as long as no one is kissing the baby’s face or the baby isn’t being passed around. Obviously you may not feel up to it.

Do what @Mumdiva99 said for your husband's family.

In terms of your own mother if she won't respect advice on the fact you cannot drive after a caesarean for legal reasons as well as health reasons and is causing you other stress, then tell her that she isn't coming until your baby is 1+ months old.

Lots of couples in my NCT group found it hard around the month mark as their husbands/partners had gone back to work so they were left on their own.

Your mum is staying with you for 2 weeks? It doesn't sound like she's going to be hugely helpful tbh. Even if she thinks you're being unreasonable, why is she pushing? It ultimately does not matter if your siblings have to wait a few weeks so why is she making such a thing of it.
I didn't have a schedule or anything for visitors, but I do not understand people stropping if they don't see a baby ASAP. They need to chill out. The baby will still be small and cute in a couple of weeks.

Do what feels right to you, but ultimately you might feel up to more (or fewer!) visitors than you realise at this stage.

I was ok for visitors a week after the birth, but then my health declined again and made things more difficult. So it would have been hard to schedule.

Most important, thing, though is that your husband is the social secretary and "host". He is doing the scheduling and re-scheduling, not you. He is buying food in, and making cups of tea, and making sure people leave, not you. If you want to sit in bed with the baby and receive people briefly in ones and twos, that's your right - he should be handling that. You should be feeling NO stress or pressure over it, regardless of the number of visitors.

CS is major surgery. Would she want a trail of people coming to visit after hip replacement? I doubt it!

It's hard to predict how you'll be after birth, constipation is a common problem, I had anal fissures after one birth due to constipation, you might have milk leaking everywhere, be very weepy etc. After CS I was told to air my wound as much as poss, you don't want to do that in front of auntie Margaret! You should call the shots on whether you need privacy.

I'd see my mum as part of the private behind closed doors world, but yours seems to not respect your privacy. I'd think twice about having her to stay. Doesn't your DH get 2 weeks pat leave? Could you use that then see if you want her to stay after?

When you have a baby you have to claim a space within your family for your own authority to apply. It's difficult but you're in charge of your family, your mum is not. She's not respecting you.

I’m not sure why a midwife or consultant is getting involved with who will or will not visit you - it’s not their business. I’m assuming you asked them and they then offered an opinion?
But, you’re over thinking this. If you don’t feel up to visitors your DH can act as gatekeeper. If people text / phone you asking if they can visit, just say yes, you’ll let them know when you’re all up to it. If they turn up unexpectedly, DH can send them in their way “oh sorry, we’re not having visitors today, we’ll call you next week when we’re more up to it”.

Also your mum is coming all the way to help you. To ban her own children aka your siblings from visiting seems again to be a bit much. There is always a middle ground to be found in these situations. You may not want tens of people flocking to the house but as long as they maintain basic hygiene the odd visitor shouldn’t make a difference- esp if they are your siblings and don’t see your mother regularly.

I think some of your concerns are valid but some are probably overthinking and worrying because it's your PFB. That's normal to a degree, just be aware that your feelings may change when your baby arrives. Set boundaries, but don't be rigid. Your midwife's perspective is just one opinion and isn't right or wrong. Best thing I ever did was to go with the flow and let everyone know when you're ready to have visitors. Yes, you will need some form of schedule with having a large family, but it doesn't need to be regimented and set in stone.

Also be as kind as possible with your sister - sounds like there's a fertility backstory there and her reducing contact with you was likely a self-preservation thing. Be sensitive there.

Hi Mum, Remember what we did when you and DH’s family kicked off and made demands about our wedding? We pissed off overseas and did everything ourselves.

You’re on really thin ice.
@Boniodog22

Thanks for the additional advice.
We’d planned to visit family - an hour or so away about 4-6 weeks later as sadly some of my husbands family are unwell with a nasty ongoing stomach bug - some haven’t had covid jabs and don’t see the relevance and some just don’t follow any rules/consider the potential impacts and would just visit anyhow….because it can be competitive among the 8 siblings (my husband thinks two of his siblings - one is 49 snd the other 34 with his own child would lie about being well/having a covid vaccine through pure excitement and eagerness to see the baby) we’ve mentioned the timescale with no definitive dates to ensure everyone who wants to see baby can…..and this way it’ll help with some time to gain a better immune system and some recovery/routine.

I think you are right regarding sharing a visiting plan early has allowed opinion but unfortunately without this, people have openly said they would’ve just visited out of the blue or even tried to stay at our house to help tidy and support….very nice suggestion but I’m a very private person and that would be so pressurising as I’d get no time to bond or recover - they’d be showing me how to breastfeed and possibly even help dress me etc 😳 I’m not exaggerating…..

My in laws are nice enough people but they are loud, opinionated, bossy and do not respect any boundaries- hence why we live an hour or so away.

They have previously let themselves into our house using a spare key which they’ve copied and shared between them, gone through my cupboards and borrowed my clothing without my knowledge and rearranged furniture and cupboards whilst we were on holiday so it’s never been easy.

My husband doesn’t really find it a problem but I do so I’m really quite worried about the new baby and all the above as I feel a bit isolated and have been advised strong boundaries are needed from the start to ensure people don’t take over.

My mum understood when I discussed it with her but recently this has backfired with her telling me I’m being too sensitive and to just get on with it. I have suggested she travels to see my siblings if she wants to but she’s not keen on that, she wants them to visit here at her convenience.

Sadly weve always wanted to have a baby and for a while we were unsuccessful and we gave up - my husbands family have never been easy and my family at times can be difficult and demanding too, but we believed having a baby was something we wanted and continued to hope….now it’s happening I feel torn between two family’s and trying to please them with constant nagging and pushing to meet their requests and wants….I’m not excited anymore just hopefully it’s happy and healthy and I can endure what could be a turbulent few weeks to come 😕

Your mums being a bit of a pain in the arse but all of this sounds a bit OTT and transactional really. I think it's pretty pointless putting plans to this extent in before you've had the baby. Yes set some boundaries but DD was our miracle baby, after IVF etc and 4 days after we were celebrating DMs birthday at a BBQ. DD spend most of the day sleeping anyway and had a few cuddles and all was well. I'm not saying your mum is right, she does sound annoying, but your 'robust' schedule that you've worked hard on, sounds a bit PFB and OTT

Everyone is different, but l did not want to see anyone for the first few of weeks after my c sections ( I had two) I felt beyond exhausted, didn't want to get dressed, wanted to focus on breastfeeding and sleeping and nothing else.
I would have been horrified to have to entertain people looking like l did, so I didn't.
My (very easy going ) mum stayed to help (as l also had severe pre eclampsia) she cooked, kept an eye on my babies so l could sleep and recover. However if l had not asked her to come when l became ill with the pre eclampsia, she would have waited to be asked without complaint.
PIl didn't see each Dc, until 3 or 6 months old respectively, no big deal, Sil and Bil probably 6 months or so as we live a long way apart.
I have had very close friends have babies and would never presume to visit until invited. Or after politely asking when would they like to see me!
Your families are very overbearing and pushy and downright rude.
IMMO people should wait until YOU invite them. Your DH should make it VERY clear that no one is to turn up unannounced under any circumstances.
Tell your mum to stop making plans on your behalf and to stop complaining.

Being a parent is tough, you have lots of challenging things ahead so start now , firstly stop caring about people being upset about silly things.

Congratulations op.!