Family politics around newborn visits

[Boniodog22]

I’m 38 + 2 days now…
my mum is due to fly in from Scotland to help support with the newborn as hubby is back at work.

This is our first baby.
The pregnancy itself has been good but the family dynamics and politics has been awful…..

My mother keeps comparing situations to when she gave birth and my sister in laws birth ten years ago…..
Im losing the Will tbh and I’m at the point where I feel like blocking everyone on my phone until after the birth.

My midwife and consultant have both advised no visitors for 2 weeks to recover from my caesarean and to assist with lessening the pressure and challenge from my husband large family visiting with their children and to support routine, recovery and immune systems.
Long story - my husbands family do not respect boundaries and will visit with a cold etc as they really don’t care….

Weve taken this on board and shared guidance from my consultant and midwife - as apparently I won’t even be in hospital long if all goes ok cause of the high levels of flu, novovirus and covid currently…..so visits we have suggested are at home.

Weve suggested that during Feb we have Grandparents only visit with a plan to see everyone else - large family etc - in March when the baby has a stronger immune system.

My mum is unhappy about this insisting my brother and sister visit in Feb whilst she is staying with us, ignoring our request and what could result in my husbands family also rebelling and then wanting to visit if they hear all my family have been over.

We’ve worked hard to ensure we have a robust, fair visiting plan due to such a large family on husbands side - 8 siblings, resulting in over 25+ visitors with children potentially all visiting in the first few weeks 😳
Not something I’d want when I’m recovering from a c-section and got a newborn…..

My mum has kicked off tonight saying I’m being unreasonable and that people should be allowed to visit so she can then see my two siblings whilst she stays with us for 2 weeks.

My sister cut me off when we first announced our pregnancy as she couldn’t cope with the news and I’ve since only had 3 small emails from her in the 9 months - often talking about herself….so having her visit is fine, yes, but I’m not prepared to then place my baby in a vulnerable position due to my husbands family then also wanting to visit as a result of the one visit…..

I feel really stressed by it - I think my mum is being selfish trying to make me change our visiting plans so she can have what she wants and the pressure to try and implement my plans and wishes has resulted in her saying I’m acting unreasonable, I have an issue, touchy, inconsiderate and ridiculous.

When I defend myself by saying I’m not changing the plans, she then tells me I’m using the child as an emotional pawn and being extreme.

This baby was a miracle for us but I’m really hating the political aspect of this and the family demands.

Ive said this is my body, my baby and our decision please respect it and see my brother and sister another time if you want to spend time with them….

Shes sulking.

We had similar reaction from her when I told her we were getting married just the 2 of us abroad 4 years ago cause she started making demands, alongside my husbands family which became so stressful we decided go away in the end….

Cancel your Mums visit and book a baby nurse to help you if your husband has to travel right after the birth. It sounds like DM will be more stress and work than help.

Just go silent and stop communicating with everyone on both sides

We just had people come whenever, I had no Idea how I would feel when the baby was born, turned out I was fine so we just made plans as and when, sure if there was serious issues we would have adjusted it at the time

No offence to any baby I am,not that Invested enough to visit by timetable, people have babies all the time life can carry on as normal

Op just read your update...sounds horrendous to me...grow a really thick skin fast, be willing to say loudly, this is up to me and l want xxx repeat, repeat and repeat with a smile...In between forget them and enjoy your baby just as you want it to be.
Also tell DH bluntly how you feel about privacy and make sure he knows backing you up is non negotiable.
Otherwise you have a tone of stress ahead.

We had our first visitors- husbands parents in to visit 3 weeks after we'd come home. They didn't like it but tough. In that time, we'd established breastfeeding, a routine of sorts, I was back on my feet and the medication I was taking for the EMCS I'd had had well and truly kicked in and I was feeling social again!

They have previously let themselves into our house using a spare key which they’ve copied and shared between them, gone through my cupboards and borrowed my clothing without my knowledge and rearranged furniture and cupboards whilst we were on holiday so it’s never been easy.

Please tell me you've changed the locks! I'd have absolutely lost my shit over this.

Your midwife and consultant have advised no visitors for 2 weeks?!? I’ve never heard anything like this and I’ve had 3 csections.

@WhatAmIDoingWrong123

This!! A robust schedule :/ Jesus.

I think it’s pretty unusual to not have at least immediate family around quite soon. I presume your feeling or overwhelm is due to previous bad experiences. I can’t imagine being so desperate to see a baby as distant family. If you’re mum has to fly to be with you I can totally understand that she would want to see your siblings during the visit. How would your in laws even know? Your mum could visit them but that seems a bit odd when you have a new baby to show off. Ultimately it’s your decision though. You might find you don’t feel as bad after the section as you think, most people recover quite quickly from a planned one

How long will your DH be off work? C sections aren't always as debilitating as people think. You might not need your mum to help. I preferred to crack on with it all on my own when our twins were born and DH went back to work (after a couple of weeks), I appreciate I was lucky with the op though and back on my feet very quickly.

Your in laws sound horrific, def keep firm boundaries there.

Stick to you plan for now, but see how you feel. You may feel great after one week and want to see more people but honestly a bunch of adults who whinge about someone else in the family getting a better slot don't deserve the stress. They will likely whinge whatever plan you come up with so just stick to what works for you.

If your mum wants to see your siblings why can't she go to them for a day or an afternoon? Then keep in reserve that if you feel better in week two you can adjust the plan.

As others say - a new baby breastfeeding will benefit from your immunity and honestly colds are pretty inevitable but I'd keep clear of stomach bugs.

Is there no way DH can take PL for the first two weeks? Both of you learning and stumbling together at the beginning paves the way for the better understanding of the baby's needs and shared care. DM coming after that is better as feeding and routine had already been established (to a degree) and you can direct her better.
Regarding visits, see how you feel on the day. DH needs to host these anyway then if you're not feeling up to it you can retire. If visitors are masked up would that make it easier? Most if them only want a quick hold, a photo and then go ime!

Letting people visit (husband’s family) that I wasn’t comfortable with visits from yet is my biggest regret from having my last baby. They always overstay their welcome at the best of times so I said to my husband after my section I needed a few days. They basically forced their way in anyway and stayed for 4 hours, didn’t offer to bring anything or help do anything. They even kissed my baby’s face and I had made it clear to my family this wasn’t allowed but my husband hadn’t! They were just sitting talking about random topics of conversation and I was so desperate to get the baby back and go to bed. They didn’t put any thought whatsoever into how I must be feeling. I cried when they left because it was so overwhelming and I was sitting there bleeding so heavily just wanting to lie down!

It won’t be happening this time. My husband didn’t set any ground rules last time even though I told him to make it very clear it was a quick visit etc but he said they’d know that 🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s learned his lesson so this time they’ll be getting told they can wait until they’re contacted and itl be a quick half an hour pop in to see the baby and that’s it. I so wish I’d stood my ground more the last time and not let it get to the situation it did. Put your foot down. Don’t arrange anything in advance until you see how long you’re in hospital for, how you feel when you’re home, how baby gets on in the new routine etc. Do not let anyone force you into a single visit you’re not comfortable with because you’ve got enough going on

People aren't going to be interested enough to stick to this 'robust schedule' just doing that alone sounds exhausting.

And your consultant AND midwife advised no visitors for the first 2 weeks!? Nobody suggested that to me when I had my section. What a strange thing for them to say.

Your mum sounds a pain. But no one is as overly invested and as interested in this baby as you are. If a family member or friend sent me a 'robust schedule' as to when to come round to see the baby I'd probably roll my eyes and not bother tbh.

All well and good being this clenched before you've had the baby but you might and probably will feel completely different after. I was doing the Tesco food shop on day 3. No need for a robust schedule just put boundaries in place and stick to them.

It's a tough one as birth is totally unknown - you have no idea how you will feel afterwards. You may feel like you've been hit by a bus... but equally, you might feel better than expected.
I would suggest because of this, all parties need to be flexible.

Personally, I was happy for my parents and in laws to visit whenever/as much as they wanted... partly because I have a great relationship with them, but also because actually, they are helpful! They can cuddle baby so you can go and have a shower. They can make some lunch whilst you are trying to feed.
Whilst you want to enjoy the new-ness of baby, it takes a village to raise a family and they are super helpful! However, it is your life and your baby... so if you feel certain you do not want people visiting for x length of time etc, put your foot down. Don't enter into an argument, just say, this is the way it is.

I would say as well, you will get well used to all the comments about how it was when you were a baby... parents are full of nuggets of "well you slept on your front and survived" types of comments to really get on your wick! Just nod, smile and continue to follow your instinct.

For practicality sake, I would avoid any plans for the first week as you have midwife, health visitor and hospital checks to contend with. Also, with my first, we were back in hospital with jaundice on day 3. So you just can't account for how it will go.

In terms of germs, I would be sensible... obviously you want to avoid people passing stuff on to the baby, but they are also going to be exposed to stuff pretty early on with hospital and midwife visits etc. Unless you have concerns about compromised immunity, I would just ask that people are sensible.

I think I probably feel more robust about it as I've had two and by baby two, you feel less precious and grab out for support as you know it doesn't last forever. We came home from hospital via my parents house as they had my eldest... and on day two, we were out for a family lunch with all the grandparents. By day three, my FIL and husband were using paternity leave to rip bathroom floors out!