Scary things for a first timer ... experienced advice would be very welcome ...

[BorgLady]

I'm a nervous first timer. Just hit 17 weeks and I'm starting to worry about everything. I suffer horribly with panic attacks and all this playing on my mind isn't helping!

So I've decided to be sensible and ask people who've already done it for their experiences. Hopefully it will give me some perspective and a good night's sleep.

1. First births ... do they always last ages? I keep hearing about people who were in labour for 48 hours and the like, followed by forceps and lots of stitches. Then I think that you never hear about people whose births aren't hideous, so please, if your first birth wasn't as bad as you thought it would be, tell me!
2. I was really really sick during first 12 weeks and I don't think I kept my folic acid down. I lied to my mw about it because I was so ashamed, what are the chances this will have hurt the baby?
3. Can I really not dye my hair while I'm pregnant? I use a home colourant and I'm sick to death of looking like shite when I used to be such a fox.
4. Will I feel like myself again? Ever? Everything feels so out of control at the moment and I'm worried I will never cope as a mother.

I'm sorry, they all sound pretty trivial but I'm the first of my siblings to have a baby and also the first of my friends. I've had a way rougher pregnancy than my mum ever did and she wasn't battling panic attacks at the same time!

Thanks to all who reply.

I felt exactly like you did.

1. Mine lasted about 9 hours, I did have 2 stiches but no forceps. Get a tens machine it was a godsend!!
2. I'm really ashamed of this I forgot to take it most days and ds is fine.
3. You can dye it but due to hormones sometimes it doesnt work properly, so I didnt dye my hair so it didn't look patchy.
4. YES. You will do, I feel better now than I did before just by being a mum.

Good Luck You'll be fine

I thought Borg wouldn't have to go through pregnancy - don't they just assimilate people?

Answers to your questions:

1. Not necessarily. I was only in established labour with dd for around 6 hours although there was 18 hours or so pre-labour before that. Total time first contraction to birth was 25 hours.
2. Folic acid is advisory rather than compulsory. The chances of you having harmed your baby are infinitessimaly small - women have been having babies for thousands of years before folic acid supplemets were invented! Chances are you will have absorbed enough between sickness bouts (poor you, sounds vile)

When I was pregnant I stuck to getting a (trained hairdresser) friend to do highlights rather than all over dye. I think after the 1st trimester it should be OK though.

1. I was exactly the same. Every now and again the enormity of what was going on would hit me and I would literally jibber for a couple of hours. You will be fine I promise - you will feel different once the baby is here. Not necessarily the same as you were before, some people find that their priorities, opinions and relationships with others change once they have a child but the change can be very much a positive thing.

Hope this all helps. Try not to fret, I would imagine that most people have wobbles, especially with their first

Good luck.

i have had 2 ds and am pg with my third

1. 12 hours from very first twinge. no stitches, no pain relief, no ventouse/forceps or anything. was actually OK just used lots of breathing, back rubs, etc, and gravity! I was 17 when i had him too so not even very old.

1. there is folic acid in lots of things, this is very common anyway. it will be fine!

1. best not to, i go to a salon and they foil my whole head. i think some vegetable dyes may be ok

1. Of course!!!! I have done 4 A-levels and a degree since having mine and im still 23. my life feels ralmost my own now, my youngest is 3, ds1 is nearly 6. for the first year it is a whirlwind but its a nice whirlwind. you will cope and if you need help, ASK. do not feel too proud too, dont soldier on alone. My DH has always been a star

its not trivial i think its actually all quite normal to feel this way

about 16 hours from first twinge to DD being born. Very straightforward - no forceps or anyting like that and just gas and air - piece of p*ss!

Don't worry about the folic acid - I didn't take any because I didn;t plan on having a baby and by the time I found out I was PG it was a bit late to bother about it. DS doesn;t seem to have come to any harm. WIth regard to the hair colourant, I don't know much about it but you could ask either a pharmacist or email the manufacturers of your favourite brand and ask them. Or indeed ask your midwife - I have a feeling it's advisable to skp the colourant in the first trimester, but you are past that now.
And labour is not necessarily awful. Yes it hurts, but there are ways of managing it. ANd you get a baby at the end of it

Totally normal to feel like you do, and MN is a great way to get your answers!!

1. 7 hours from waters breaking to birth, but only 2 hrs contractions & 1 hour transition/pushing.

1. Don't fret about the folic acid - this must happen all the time.

1. No idea ofthe facts behind this but I didn't...although I was pgin the summer so my hair lightened naturally.

1. I don't want to give a flippant answer to this one, as I don't know your background and you mention that you suffer from anxiety anyway...BUT, most people surprise themselves at their ability to cope, and at the people they become once they are parents. It is just impossible to visualise yourself as a parent before you actually are IYSWIM?

LMAO at nervousal ... "piece of p*ss", that was exactly what I was hoping to hear!

Thanks everyone for the lovely advice everyone, I feel better already.

Message withdrawn

Borg - what you are feeling is totally normal. I remember watching those birth progs on the telly and always turning off before the actual birth!

1. DD's birth was the most amazing thing I've ever done. I'd do it again tomorrow! Which is just as well as I am doing it again in October. My mum had told me that she actually enjoyed her labours and I just thought she was mad. People only tell you the bad stuff because its much harder to express the good stuff. My labour was 8 hours from waters breaking and it really was ok. Just gas and air and the birthing pool, a few stitches. SO much easier than i'd thought. And it just amazing what you CAN do when you have to.
2. As others have said, folic acid occurs naturally in lots of food and many many people are so sick that they must bring them up.
3. 'fraid I don't know about hair dye
4. YES. You'll feel different but you'll feel more like yourself at various stages - 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months are good getting better stages. Good luck with it all, you'll be fine I'm sure

Dear Borglady,

I am a first timer and have had panic attacks that have affected sleep. I have found talking to professionals / family v. helpful. There is also a thread on this site re medication in pregnancy. Whilst it is not an ideal situation I I have managed to get away without it, stress can take a toll on you and your baby and you might like to look at it for more info.

1. No comment... But I will say that even a long labour doesn't (IME) seem that long at the time -- I'd look at the clock and be astonished to see how many hours had gone by.
2. You'll probably be fine. And they'll check for spina bifida at your 20 week scan, so you can put your mind at rest after that.
3. No evidence to suggest you can't. Some women don't just to be ultra-cautious. And it could give a slightly unexpected/patchy result.
4. Yes.

1. First labour 6.5 hrs from waters breaking to birth. No pre-labour at all!

2. I was pretty scatty about the folic acid as well. Pregnancy brain... It's in loads of food like bananas, bread, broccoli, so there's no need at all to worry.

3. Don't know about that one, sorry.

4. Tbh, it took some time for me to feel together. Don't want to put you off; just plan to have lots of days in your pyjamas on the sofa, whilst pregnant and when you've had the baby. Totally lower your housework expectations and go with the flow. At some point you'll sit up and realise you feel like yourself again! It takes everyone a different amount of time.

Hope all goes well for you.

Thanks newbishad.

I was on an SSRI for about six months before I got pregnant and coming off it was jolly hard. (I came off because it made me sleepy and spaced out, not because I had any idea I was going to have a baby, lol!) I'm coping in that I'm not depressed any more, but the panic attacks are a real nuisance!

People keep telling me I won't have time to have panic attacks when I have a baby, I really hope they are right.

It doesn't help that I read in the paper yesterday that babies born to stressed mothers are more likely to develop schizophrenia! I mean ... how is that meant to make you chill out?

Glad I'm not the only one suffering like this, if it goes on I will mention it to my
doctor, trying to get by with just Paul McKenna CDs isn't really helping.

That research was only talking about severe stress (specifically, the death of a close relative during the first trimester). And the effects only apply if you don't have a prior personal or family history of any kind of mental illness -- if you do then there's no statistical effect.

1: 1st births are usually longer than subsequent births BUT that does not mean you will have a horrendous time.
My first was quite long but nothing out of the ordinary, natural delivery, no pain relief, just a small tesr and a few stitches.

2: I didn't take folic acid with my first, and hes fine, a strapping 15 year old!

3: You can dye your hair when pregnant, but I have read somewhere that you should wait till a certain point, not 100% sure when it is though.

4: You will feel like yourself again, but a new yourself IYKWIM!!
Your body will return to normal And you will cope, we all do!

Dear Borglady,

I think panic is sometimes triggered by the pregnancy hormone and the psychological reaction to being pregnant. For me, it was partly caused by a fear of things going wrong because I have had two ectopics in the past and this is an IVF conception and v. much wanted baby. We all have anxieties and I think it's how we feel and cope, not the trigger that counts. Having said that once a pregnancy is established it seems that panic doesn't affect. I have had some v. bad nights, almost no sleep been tearful and shaky and baby kicks through it all.
Relaxation techniques, talking things through with professionals and friends, Mumsnet, taking time off work, coming home from Ireland, starting maternity leave early, TV, stupid reality shows / game shows...all of these things have helped me. I hope you find a method that helps.
Take care.

Re: dyeing your hair, I always had mine done at a salon (cos I'm useless at doing my own) but it was fine to have it done.

First births DO NOT always last ages. Mine was under 2 and a half hours.

You will feel like yourself again, don't expect it to happen overnight though. Things are different after you have children and you might find it hard work at first but it will be worth it.

You will cope. Really you will. You will find strength you didn't know you had. I suffer panic attacks too and I know how frightening change and new experiences can be in that situation. Just remember there is no right and wrong way, you do what is best for you and your baby.

When I was pg I went to dh's work's xmas party and his boss told me that when the baby is born much of what to do will come naturally. He said his dw seemed to just know how to do things and even she couldn't explain why. It was the best bit of advice I had. I wasn't the type of person to coo over babies (everyone was when they found out I was having a baby) but when she was born I seemed to instinctively know how to pick her up and that sort of thing.

Thanks, PortandLemon, I didn't realise that. Thankfully nothing of that magnitude has happened to me.

Thanks too, newbishad. I kept thinking my poor baby must think its mother is living in a warzone with my heart rate the way it is at the mo.

I've always been a bit of a worrier and I think everyone would agree that being pregnant with your first child gives you cause to worry a great deal.

Like you, I really want my baby, Despite it being not entirely planned, I fell totally in love when I saw him/her bouncing around on the screen during my 12wk scan.

Luckily I have a really supportive DP who understands my panic attacks and really helps me with them. We do a lot of meditational breathing and he doesn't mind sleeping with the TV tuned to some inane rubbish at night so I can take my mind off it all.

Like you say, I think we all have these worries, but if you're the kind of person who dwells on things, there's nothing you can do to stop it getting on top of you, is there.

Thanks to everyone here who has been so kind with their responses. So good to get some proper perspective.

Hi Borg (and congrats!)

I have panic attacks as well. I had my DD four weeks ago (1st baby) and had to be induced. I was so scared that I locked myself in my bedroom and cried for four days solid before I went into hospital. My entire family were downstairs having a conference on what to do about me!

I cried when I went into hospital too. But, the birth was easy - four hours from start to finish, a few stitches but I honestly barely noticed them and I assume they are all gone now.

All I can say is try not to think of it as a big brick wall ahead of you like I did. It's just too overwhelming like that. Like anything it happens bit by bit and so you deal with things bit by bit. My LO ended up in SCBU for a little while, taken down at 2am; I was rushed back to the delivery suite because my blood pressure hit the roof and there must have been 12 people in that room. But I didn't panic because there really wasn't time. You just have to get on with it and so you do.

And it's natural to worry. I worried for 9 months and I'm still worrying now. She doesn't sleep that much at night so I'm knackered but apart from that I feel totally back to normal. You will be fine, honestly

1. No, my first labour was 7 1/2 hours (but... most of my antenatal class were much longer tbh) Had stitches both times, but least of your worries and mended fine both times! Had normal births both times with no pain relief (but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!)
2. Don't worry about it. A lot of other mums to be in the same position.
3. Ask a hairdresser but hormones can affect the way the dye takes I think.
4. Yes you will feel like yourself again but don't expect to immediately - motherhood is a shock! It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed at the oncoming responsibility. You will be ok though. Have you mentioned your panic attacks to your midwife? It may be worth talking through your anxieties with someone professional beforehand - hard to tell from here if they are bigger than everyone normally has or just the same.

Thank you Sarajct!

I had a miscarriage scare last week and had to rush up to the EPU for scan etc and it's funny but I didn't panic at all. But here and now, sitting in front of my PC with nothing to do but hang out the washing, I'm paralysed with anxiety!

It's good to know that others with panic attacks have been able to cope. I kind of brushed it aside when my mw asked me about it. I was a bit worried I'd be put on some sort of list to be watched by Social Services or something.

I just have to remember how common it is and that I'm not the only one.

1. My first birth was 12 hours from start of drip to birth, but 6 hours of labor. Wonderful birth, I think about it every day.

1. No you didn't hurt the baby think of all the women who gave birth to healthy babies before they recommended folic acid.

1. Just do the highlights.

1. You will never be you again. I found that I had to mourn the loss of my former self, but love who I am since I had kids so much more.

Hi

1. My birth was agony, my worst case scenario but 10 minutes after they stitched me up I said, "Well, I could do that again!" So you will be fine!

1. My SIL actually forgot with DS2 but realised she'd eaten so many weetabix mini's that she'd beengetting it anyway. Its in lots of cereals.

1. Get your hair done, you'll feel much better and will look and feel foxy once more.

1. No you'l probably never be yourself again, but you'l wonder what was so great about your former life in the first place. Aaaah, being a mums great!!!

Sending you warm thoughts from the midlands on this beeeoootiful day.

I won't lie and say that childbirth is easy - it does hurt, but many have come out of it and do it again!!

All I can suggest to you is to go to a group and you should meet mums in the same position, facing the same issues as you are now and will be able to support you in many ways before and after the big life-changing hospital visit...

It's perfectly normal to feel like this

1-I was in labour for 4 hrs with my ds, just G&A and no stitches (he was 8lb 3oz)
2- I took it if i remembered
3- I did my hair and it came out fine and made me feel so much better
4- You won't want to feel like your old self as you'll love your new self so much more. Your a mummy after all and there no greater job in the world