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Original poster

MIL buying pram without consulting

64 replies

Levi18 · 08/01/2023 21:13

So I’m 9 weeks almost 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby, my MIL is apparently really excited (her 5th grandchild) I haven’t seen her only met her once. Today my OH told me that she found a great deal and bought me a pram. I was in complete shock and asked what sort of pram? Why did she buy it etc. he doesn’t even know what colour just that it’s an ickle bubba maybe the stomp one, after it settled I told him that while it’s a really nice gift and nice thought, it’s far too early, also my mum wanted to buy me my 1st pram and that I wanted to go around and look at prams do research etc. he took this very badly saying he’s really thankful that she bought such an expensive gift for us, he went in a strop said he’ll tell her to send it back but she’ll be furious and really upset! I told him not to bother telling her, but have since asked for her number I thought I might message her and say the above really, I cannot see how she would be upset or angry surely you don’t just buy someone a pram without consulting them first? Any advice?

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evemillbank · 08/01/2023 22:54

@fastingworks sorry but that's terrible advice!

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 08/01/2023 23:10

Levi18 · 08/01/2023 21:41

Thank you for all the replies! It is of course a really nice thing. However as a few posters have mentioned I’m also concerned she’s going to be a bit of a nightmare! My OH was really off with me about the whole thing which also really concerns me, he kept saying how this means he and his family aren’t going to be involved in any decisions 🤯 I was absolutely not going to mention my mum in the message as I don’t want her feeling pushed out either. I’ve looked at the pram I'm really not sure on it but obviously I haven’t even looked at prams yet. I’m really unsure of what to say without upsetting anyone but I’m also aware that I need to set boundaries too

You need to tell your husband he is correct. His family do not get a say, however he does if hes capable of discussing it like an adult, not a petulant child.

One thing you could send is.....
Dear (annoying) MIL.
X has told me have very kindly purchased a pram for us. Whilst I am extremely grateful at your generosity, I really hope you understand but I want to be able to choose one myself. It maybe a thing that we choose not to use a pram for the first while as i have been researching baby wearing. This means we would only need a sling and not a pram.
Please return the pram so that you are able to get a refund, and in the meantime i will mke a gift list so that nobody is wasting their money on things we already have or arw choosing not to get.

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 08/01/2023 23:13

For what its worth, we purchased an ickle bubba, and barely used it as my DD hated it. They are very uncomfortable and basic in my opinion. I ended up selling it.

MrNook · 08/01/2023 23:17

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 08/01/2023 23:13

For what its worth, we purchased an ickle bubba, and barely used it as my DD hated it. They are very uncomfortable and basic in my opinion. I ended up selling it.

Same here, I found it rubbish and sold mine after about a week of using it

MrsF111 · 08/01/2023 23:40

I don’t think it’s unfair to say your mum wants to buy it rather than mil. That’s a very normal tradition and your relationship with your mum is totally different to you relationship with any mil. You aren’t playing favourites, if your mum wants to buy it then mil should respect that. If she has daughters as well as having your dp then she surely understands that. On top of the fact she should discuss big purchases with you. Just be really polite, thank her for her generosity but explain your mum has already asked to buy it once you have chosen which one/feel ready to get a pram and if mil would like to buy something else (cot maybe?) you would be delighted

BubziOwl · 09/01/2023 00:26

gamerchick · 08/01/2023 21:16

Well my ex MIL found one in some bushes for my first kid and had the biggest if strops that I wouldn't use it. I don't think there is away around the strop really.

Just tell her it's very kind but you're superstitious and don't want to buy a pram so early and can she please cancel it

Yes to superstitions - I'm a very superstitious person, and anyone who knows me will attest to that. I am always saying 'sorry, I can't do X because of this random superstition my great grandma told me about when I was young".

I have been known to come up with fictitious superstitions to get me out of certain things

You'll probably still have the strop to deal with, but it will likely blow over as it doesn't seem personal and you can double down on it despite it being nonsense!

snowtrees · 09/01/2023 07:45

Could you white lie and say youd arranged to pram shop with your mum after 12 weeks? It is odd to buy such an expensive item so early without asking. Did she get a great offer on it or something?

sleepymama3 · 09/01/2023 09:27

I'd say keep it but either at hers, as others have suggested, or say "oh MIL that's so kind of you - we will need one for the childminder once I go back to work". We had to provide a pram/ car seat for our childminder and it is expensive to buy another one.

PMAmostofthetime · 09/01/2023 09:35

Levi18 · 08/01/2023 21:13

So I’m 9 weeks almost 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby, my MIL is apparently really excited (her 5th grandchild) I haven’t seen her only met her once. Today my OH told me that she found a great deal and bought me a pram. I was in complete shock and asked what sort of pram? Why did she buy it etc. he doesn’t even know what colour just that it’s an ickle bubba maybe the stomp one, after it settled I told him that while it’s a really nice gift and nice thought, it’s far too early, also my mum wanted to buy me my 1st pram and that I wanted to go around and look at prams do research etc. he took this very badly saying he’s really thankful that she bought such an expensive gift for us, he went in a strop said he’ll tell her to send it back but she’ll be furious and really upset! I told him not to bother telling her, but have since asked for her number I thought I might message her and say the above really, I cannot see how she would be upset or angry surely you don’t just buy someone a pram without consulting them first? Any advice?

I completely get this- luckily my MIL mentioned to OH that she had seen a really good pram deal and he asked what it was like.

I was polite and went and seen one in a shop and it was too tall for me and wouldn't fit in the boot of my car without taking the wheels off- it also wasn't my style.
We Politely declined and she said she would like to buy us something else. I sent her a list of items that we had seen and liked and was very grateful with the item she bought us.

I think choosing your pram is special you are not being un reasonable. My parents also wanted to get mine. However the travel system I choose was more than I felt comfortable letting them pay for. So I talked to them about this and explained dilemma at not wanting to insult MIL, they choose something else large of our very very long this and we went pram shopping and choose and bought our own pram.

I also agree with the too early which is why I decided to not tell our parents until after 12 week scan as they too were very excited ( not first grand child) x

WhenDovesFly · 09/01/2023 09:43

Your partner is out of order. He's moaning that he and his family won't be involved in decisions, but they've not included you in this first massive decision and you're the mother who will likely be pushing the pram the most! Way, way too early to be buying something like a pram.

Large ticket items, in the first instance, should be decided jointly by the parents, not the wider family. I'd be making sure she doesn't try buying other larger or important items like the cot or car seat.

And not the point of the thread at all, but just the name 'Ickle Bubba' would turn me off buying that pram!

AnotherNameChangeYes · 09/01/2023 12:50

Why do his family need to be involved with decisions? What sort of decisions?

Be careful here.

Calphurnia88 · 09/01/2023 12:56

If it were me I would...

Do some research on the pram she's bought (and other prams available) and if it's not the one you want, you're entitled to say so and then it's up to her whether she returns it. You're the one who's going to be using it, and it's not saving you or DP money if you're going to have to buy a new one anyway.

Try and spend some time with MIL before the baby is here so you can establish a relationship before they're here.

Have a conversation with DP about boundaries.

Starsinthesky22 · 09/01/2023 20:36

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I don’t think this is a ‘really nice’ thing to do! It’s quite controlling and shows little consideration for how you may feel especially by buying it so early on.

romdowa · 09/01/2023 20:38

Totally ridiculous of her to buy you a pram this early and without your input. My dad bought me my pram for my son. We went to the store together when I was 30 weeks and I picked one out

Eatentoomanyroses · 09/01/2023 20:41

I quite like having options with prams. I think I had three with my first. I’d just accept it and still get my own.

Eatentoomanyroses · 09/01/2023 20:42

I quite like having options with prams. I think I had three with my first. I’d just accept it and still get my own.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/01/2023 20:43

You have a partner problem and a in-law problem.

Normal in-laws do not do this. It's not 'nice' it's bloody ridiculous. Your partner needs to grow up and realise who's having the baby here.

SuperHandss · 09/01/2023 20:44

YANBU. Pram shopping, researching and deciding is all part of nesting and must be exciting!

She should have sent a message first offering to do it as a gift rather than take control.

Your OH doesn’t sound very supportive OP. Is he always like this?

SuperHandss · 09/01/2023 20:45

YANBU. Pram shopping, researching and deciding is all part of nesting and must be exciting!

She should have sent a message first offering to do it as a gift rather than take control.

Your OH doesn’t sound very supportive OP. Is he always like this?

SuperHandss · 09/01/2023 20:46

YANBU. Pram shopping, researching and deciding is all part of nesting and must be exciting!

She should have sent a message first offering to do it as a gift rather than take control.

Your OH doesn’t sound very supportive OP. Is he always like this?

FlounderingFruitcake · 09/01/2023 20:47

My OH was really off with me about the whole thing which also really concerns me, he kept saying how this means he and his family aren’t going to be involved in any decisions
Massive red flag here. Of course they don’t get to be involved in any decisions. What’s next, you have to ask his sister whether you can get an epidural in labour? You need to consult his uncle on baby names? This comment would make me worry there’s more to MIL’s pram shopping than well meaning but badly thought out excitement.

And no I wouldn’t accept the gift. I wouldn’t even look at prams until after the 20 week scan and then it would be with consideration for the needs of DH and I, our lifestyle, cars etc. Tell her thank you but to return it as it’s too soon and you need to make your own decision.

FlounderingFruitcake · 09/01/2023 20:48

My OH was really off with me about the whole thing which also really concerns me, he kept saying how this means he and his family aren’t going to be involved in any decisions
Massive red flag here. Of course they don’t get to be involved in any decisions. What’s next, you have to ask his sister whether you can get an epidural in labour? You need to consult his uncle on baby names? This comment would make me worry there’s more to MIL’s pram shopping than well meaning but badly thought out excitement.

And no I wouldn’t accept the gift. I wouldn’t even look at prams until after the 20 week scan and then it would be with consideration for the needs of DH and I, our lifestyle, cars etc. Tell her thank you but to return it as it’s too soon and you need to make your own decision.

SuperHandss · 09/01/2023 20:49

YANBU. Pram shopping, researching and deciding is all part of nesting and must be exciting!

She should have sent a message first offering to do it as a gift rather than take control.

Your OH doesn’t sound very supportive OP. Is he always like this?

FlounderingFruitcake · 09/01/2023 20:49

My OH was really off with me about the whole thing which also really concerns me, he kept saying how this means he and his family aren’t going to be involved in any decisions
Massive red flag here. Of course they don’t get to be involved in any decisions. What’s next, you have to ask his sister whether you can get an epidural in labour? You need to consult his uncle on baby names? This comment would make me worry there’s more to MIL’s pram shopping than well meaning but badly thought out excitement.

And no I wouldn’t accept the gift. I wouldn’t even look at prams until after the 20 week scan and then it would be with consideration for the needs of DH and I, our lifestyle, cars etc. Tell her thank you but to return it as it’s too soon and you need to make your own decision.

Couchpotato3 · 09/01/2023 20:51

Oh dear, trouble ahead, whichever way you play this. MIL has massively overstepped here, and you need to draw some lines in the sand with her and your DP. For your future self's sake, please, please, take charge of the situation, lay down the law with your DP and make sure that MIL either returns the pram or keeps it at her house for her personal use for visits. You do not have to accept an unwanted gift, however 'generous' it is. There will probably be a difficult conversation to be had, but if you don't have it now, there will be many many more similar situations in future and you will wish you had nipped it in the bud! Good luck...