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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Abortion, FWB doesn’t know.

27 replies

ScentedAlexx · 08/01/2023 13:04

A couple of weeks ago i found out I'm pregnant, just over 6 weeks. I have no intention of keeping it, I’m not in a stage of my life where it would be fair to have a child. I have an appointment next week to terminate. I’ve told only my best friend, the father is a casual FWB who I don’t have a relationship with. It’s a situation I thought I'd ever find myself in, initially I planned to see it through and not tell him, but part of me wants to. Not because I expect anything from him, but we are both responsible for this and ought to understand the consequences. Has anyone been through something similar?

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 08/01/2023 13:07

Tell him after the fact, if you must. You don't know how he'll react. You don't know whether he might try to pressure or guilt trip you into keeping it. You don't know who else he might tell when I'm sure you'd rather keep it private.

If you've made your mind up, just get it done by yourself. It's the safest way.

Lindtcat · 08/01/2023 13:10

Yes. I would say it's completely your choice to tell him, do you think he would support you through it ? Are you planning to see him again? If not, I wouldn't say anything tbh.

astronewt · 08/01/2023 13:14

I think the only person you should weight in this decision is you. That said, I would seriously consider what you want to get out of telling him, and how likely you think it is. If he blames and guilt trips you for it, which I think is not unlikely, how will you feel? I don't see much of an upside to telling him, or many ways in which it might help you or make you feel better. I would probably also stop sleeping with him, or considering him a friend.

Original poster
ScentedAlexx · 08/01/2023 13:24

I guess the reason I wanted to tell him is because it’s a result of both of our irresponsible behaviour, and although I have no doubt I’m doing the right thing by not keeping the baby, somebody else down the line might not react the same. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want it to come across as an attack, I fully accept responsibility and feel quite guilty enough myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScentedAlexx · 08/01/2023 13:26

I don’t have any intention on seeing him again after what has/is about to happen, it personally wouldn’t feel right. Never getting it off my chest feels slightly strange though.

OP posts:
Lindtcat · 08/01/2023 13:27

Actually I change my mind. Tell him, if he doesn't support you during this. Then is he someone you want in your life anyways ? Give him a chance to be there for you.

Lindtcat · 08/01/2023 13:29

Okay, just seen you don't want to see him again. I would still say something OP, you didn't create this by yourself so you shouldn't have to deal with the consequences alone. In my situation I told the guy, he wasn't supportive but I was glad I did.

LaLuz7 · 08/01/2023 13:32

ScentedAlexx · 08/01/2023 13:24

I guess the reason I wanted to tell him is because it’s a result of both of our irresponsible behaviour, and although I have no doubt I’m doing the right thing by not keeping the baby, somebody else down the line might not react the same. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want it to come across as an attack, I fully accept responsibility and feel quite guilty enough myself.

Are you basically trying to make sure he learns his lesson and save him from this scenario playing out again?

It's not your duty to teach him that unprotected sex results in pregnancy. Presumably he's an adult, he knows about the birds and the bees. Being irresponsible was a choice, not a mistake grounded in ignorance.

Politicalwonderer · 08/01/2023 13:34

this is the father of your baby - of course you should tell him!

Original poster
ScentedAlexx · 08/01/2023 13:49

I guess not. You’re right, ignorance is bliss. Fortunately for the guy that can be the case, different for the girl though who kind of has to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScentedAlexx · 08/01/2023 13:54

Thanks so much for replying, it’s nice to hear from someone who has been through something similar. I’m usually pretty good with getting on with things, I guess I’m a bit taken aback by the whole thing. Deep down I know there isn’t much point telling him.

OP posts:
MaireadMcSweeney · 08/01/2023 13:55

Politicalwonderer · 08/01/2023 13:34

this is the father of your baby - of course you should tell him!

There is going to be no baby, so no he's not

MaireadMcSweeney · 08/01/2023 13:56

Honestly I wouldn't tell him, unless you like and respect him as a person and think it will make him change his behaviour in future - otherwise you're just giving him private information about you that he doesn't need to have.

Beingadiv · 08/01/2023 13:57

Years and years ago I was in this situation more or less. Very young. I told the guy. He didn't want the baby or try to pressure me or anything but he was a weird dramatic arsehole about it, making it all about him, cracking inappropriate jokes etc.

I accept it was mostly immaturity so don't bear any hard feelings but my point is to think about what his reaction is likely to be and how will.this affect you. Do you know people in common, is he trustworthy enough not to share this information? May he try and influence you to change your mind?

If he's a decent, solid bloke and you trust him then by all means tell him. If you don't know him too well and aren't sure of his reaction then it might be better to lean on your friend and maybe some cou selling. Main thing is that you don't try and shoulder everything yourself.

Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 13:58

Politicalwonderer · 08/01/2023 13:34

this is the father of your baby - of course you should tell him!

No he is not ‘the father of your baby’, this is a very early pregnancy which isn’t going to a result in a baby.

I totally get why you want to tell him, but he’s not your job to ‘teach’ him, he’s still just going to see that he gets off with no hassle from it anyway, and you run the risk of him wanting to keep it and making you feel more guilty for that (not that you should feel guilt!).

LlynTegid · 08/01/2023 14:05

I'm not sure what is best. If you were to tell him after the fact, would it reduce the chance of it happening to someone else? Would his behaviour in a future relationship be different?

QuinkWashable · 08/01/2023 14:13

I wouldn't bother - it's a medical issue for you, treat it as such, and move on.

It's what I did. Ex has no idea that early on in our relationship I had a termination before we had our 2 kids, and why would he. It's none of his business.

ClarissaParry · 08/01/2023 15:01

I don't see much point in opening yourself up to potential criticism or even a false sense of "we're in this together" closeness. You don't want to see him again, so don't.

Do you have a friend who can help you? Years ago I looked after my friend after an early abortion and she was wiped out for about a week.

Original poster
ScentedAlexx · 08/01/2023 15:26

I have wonderful friends who have offered to be there with me the whole process. This isn’t about me feeling alone. I’m also not worried about feeling criticised or judged, I’ve made my decision and it’s for the best, just like hundreds of other women. That’s the key thing, the women face the consequences, the men are none the wiser. Idk maybe my emotions are a bit all over the place and I see it differently, really appreciate everyone’s advice though :)

OP posts:
astronewt · 08/01/2023 15:28

Politicalwonderer · 08/01/2023 13:34

this is the father of your baby - of course you should tell him!

🤔there's not going to be a baby.

LaLuz7 · 08/01/2023 15:31

You want to tell him so that he too can feel the weight of the consequences.

But will he? You are assuming that he is a decent and mature dude who will feel bad about it. But many men would not bat an eyelid and would feel nothing but relief. Men are just not wired the same way and they will simply never understand the emotional turmoil of terminating, unfortunately.

ClarissaParry · 08/01/2023 16:42

Just don't tell him, it's not worth any sort of conversation either way.

Sazza26xx · 08/01/2023 17:02

I wouldn't tell him, I had an abortion earlier this year, sending hugs and as long as your happy with your decision that's all that matters

Sazza26xx · 08/01/2023 17:02

Sazza26xx · 08/01/2023 17:02

I wouldn't tell him, I had an abortion earlier this year, sending hugs and as long as your happy with your decision that's all that matters

Earlier last year I mean

IDontWantToBeAPie · 08/01/2023 17:48

Sounds a bit like you want to almost punish him. Like you're having to go through this so he should feel pain too. And I totally get that.

But he likely won't feel any pain or guilt. Just relief or anger. He may even accuse you of guilt tripping him or wanting money or something.

You've decided, so it's best to keep it to yourself. Protect your information and don't risk anyone making you feel bad or insulting you etc.

Best of luck.

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