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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Can’t decide if I want to keep the baby

28 replies

Staceybeak · 31/12/2022 19:10

I’m 7 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child, I already have 2 boys ages 2 & 1.

I keep going from wanting the baby to not wanting the baby and I cannot make a decision!

I literally have the abortion pills with me just can’t bring myself to take them.

I love my 2 boys so much and i would feel so guilty having to share my love with another baby. I feel like my 2 boys are all I need and a perfect family not only that, because the boys are so young still it would be very very stressful with all 3 being under 3!

but then, I imagine what another baby would be like, how much love I could give it. It would be so much harder but obviously you’d make it work.

I have been getting so stressed trying to make a decision it’s really getting me down. I really wish I never got pregnant and would not want a third if I wasn’t pregnant but as I am pregnant, it’s a completely different story!

please someone help me with what the right decision is! It’s driving me crazy!

OP posts:
Tropicaliyes · 31/12/2022 19:29

I think this decision is truly a personal choice and nobody on MN can help you make that decision for you.

I do think however that you should give yourself some time to think about the pros and cons for you and if having another baby would hinder things or you all would be perfectly fine having a addition.

Do you have anyone close you can speak to to help you make the decision? Do you have a partner to get their opinion on the whole thing also? Will you get the support you need once the baby has arrived or will you be going at this 100% alone?

Are you able to take time off to care for the baby or pay for the upkeep/childcare needed so you all can still live comfortably?

I think regardless of your decision I applaud you for taking the time out to even consider what would be right for you and your family and should you decide to continue through I think you would make a great new mum.

Laurakiaora · 31/12/2022 19:31

No one can make that decision for you but I often read on here 'you don't regret rhe children you have, only the ones you don't have'. I don't know how true that is across the board.

Do you have a partner to discuss this with?

LouLou198 · 31/12/2022 19:33

If you have the pills and can't bring yourself to take them, it seems you want the baby. As others have said though, nobody can make this decision for you. Flowers

Original poster
Staceybeak · 31/12/2022 19:40

thank you all, I do have a partner who is thinking exactly the same way as me, we are just so unsure!

we will be fine with money etc it’s just how much harder work it will be as the boys have now got to such a nice age where you don’t have to worry as much

OP posts:
RedSauceSpaghetti · 31/12/2022 19:48

I was in your position OP and backed out of the abortion at the 11th hour. A week later, found out it was twins and went into absolute SHTF mode. If I'm honest, I wouldn't do it again (but we have had some serious, serious health issues with one of my others). Love my twins to bits but holy cow, the first 2 years were just hell a lot of the time tbh. My advice would be to think most carefully over the mental strain, rather than anything else because that's what nearly did us in.

Tropicaliyes · 31/12/2022 19:57

I guess in a way it sounds like if your boys are at that perfect age of being able to handle themselves then this would be a great time to have a child and they could help out without you worrying.

There is the issue of you waiting to get to this stage for some freedom only to be set back however many years for the baby before you get that opportunity again.

My mum always said she couldn’t wait until my sister and I were more independent so she could get her life back but then when I got to 11 she got pregnant again and had my little brother, she was now going backward and having to wait an extra 18 years before she got that chance again (as she was to be raising this child alone in a time after they are considered adults after 18 whereas for us it was 16). Just like you she contemplated abortion or keeping him and in the end she kept him thinking she would have a better support system and such and she ended up raising him alone! She doted on him more that she ever did for us and I’m sure loved him much more but there were very dark times also which she overcome.

I think since you have a partner and don’t seem to have any issues with how the baby will be raised maybe you should both consider if a newcomer would make you both happy or if you will just feel like it’s just existing. Try and figure out how you will both juggle the responsibilities and even think about schooling and family outings.

can I ask what “pills” you are referring to? I’m not sure what country you are in but in the U.K. I have never heard of anyone having the Pills just at home and for them to decide when they are ready.. unless you mean the morning after pills you can get from the pharmacy? Because if it is the latter then it would be no use to you now as it’s too far gone.

SnitterBug · 31/12/2022 20:01

Staceybeak · 31/12/2022 19:40

thank you all, I do have a partner who is thinking exactly the same way as me, we are just so unsure!

we will be fine with money etc it’s just how much harder work it will be as the boys have now got to such a nice age where you don’t have to worry as much

Have the baby then get sterilised. If you take those pills you will regret it . If you had no doubts you would have taken them . This baby will bring lots of joy. Good luck

Original poster
Staceybeak · 31/12/2022 20:19

The pills are the actual abortion tablets. I rang BPAS had all the appointments and then they send you them for you to do at home.

im finding it so hard! Even now, I’ve changed my decision about 3 times in the last half an hour!

OP posts:
Junobug · 31/12/2022 20:27

I was in this position a few years ago with no.4.
I sat and made a list of reasons to and not to. There were so many reasons not to have another baby. But to me, non of them were enough not to have her. We could. We had the resources and I knew that I wouldn't get over terminating a baby that I could have had.
Friends that have talked about terminations have always been so sure, and I wasnt. So we had her.
However. As much as I love her and don't regret my decision. The experience of having her was very different to my planned children. There was always that niggle of it not being something I really wanted and I didn't enjoy it at all. So do be prepared for that if you go ahead.

FairlyIncognito · 31/12/2022 23:04

How long have you known about the pregnancy? Can you afford to give it any time ? If you can it might be helpful as it’s so hard to think straight when it’s a shock and unexpected .

i had a 3rd and was very worried but now he’s here we all embrace him and it’s hard not to as he’s just lovely. I do absolutely enjoy it and in a way I marvel at him even more for being a slight miracle and almost as an unexpected gift . We have a way bigger age gap than yours and I really hope you make the right decision for you

Ps if it helps can you imagine the future with 3 grownup DC and how does that make you feel? I always liked the idea of a bigger family but didn’t think I had it in me to manage . But somehow we definitely are! I think this is the intense bit and it’ll get easier, too

SnitterBug · 01/01/2023 00:46

Staceybeak · 31/12/2022 20:19

The pills are the actual abortion tablets. I rang BPAS had all the appointments and then they send you them for you to do at home.

im finding it so hard! Even now, I’ve changed my decision about 3 times in the last half an hour!

Flush those pills down the loo . Look forward to 2023 with a new baby . You would have taken those pills if you were sure you didn't want this baby .

ACCx · 01/01/2023 00:51

A lot of comments saying you will regret it if you have the abortion. How do you know? There’s many women that feel relief after an abortion and it’s the best decision they made. I’m not suggesting you do or you don’t, just wanted to put it out there.

Fleabea · 01/01/2023 01:57

Staceybeak · 31/12/2022 20:19

The pills are the actual abortion tablets. I rang BPAS had all the appointments and then they send you them for you to do at home.

im finding it so hard! Even now, I’ve changed my decision about 3 times in the last half an hour!

There is no rush to make a decision tonight. Put the pills away and give yourself a week to think about it properly. You don't need to rush into anything.

caringcarer · 01/01/2023 02:16

I had 2 children a perfect girl, boy combination ages 10 and 8 and thought I'd changed my last nappy. I got pregnant whilst on the pill which upset me so much. I had not had any sickness or diarrhoea and I had not missed a tablet. Because of this I did not realise I was pregnant until I was almost 14 weeks. I dithered knowing I did not really want another child. I just could not face the abortion so had the baby. He was thankfully always an easy baby who slept through the night by 11 weeks. Always smiling and hardly ever cried. Much easier to than first 2. Almost as if he was just grateful to be born. As an adult he is most loving son of all my children. He has a heart of gold and I am so glad I didn't go through with abortion. You have to decide whether you can live with another child more easily than you can live with an yourself after abortion or not. Will your DH do his share? Can you afford to buy a bit of help?

clantis · 01/01/2023 03:04

Abortion pills aren't a contraception method

I would keep the baby if I were you

clantis · 01/01/2023 03:04

SnitterBug · 01/01/2023 00:46

Flush those pills down the loo . Look forward to 2023 with a new baby . You would have taken those pills if you were sure you didn't want this baby .

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MrNook · 01/01/2023 04:23

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Ivyonafence · 01/01/2023 04:34

Honestly, I think you need to be sure before you abort or you might regret it. The women I know who have successful abortions went into them confident about their decision being the right one.

If you're on the fence, and there's no financial, medical etc reason why the baby would make life too hard for your family, then personally I think having it is the right thing to do. You have months to get your head around it and start to feel excited.

Just the opinion of an random internet person, so ignore it at will.

Wish you all the best OP, it sounds really stressful.

Dustyblue · 01/01/2023 04:54

Oh OP, you have a very hard choice to make, but you do have a choice. I'm unsure how far along you can use this particular method, but regardless you have time to dwell on it a bit longer.

I will say I've had 2 (surgical) abortions & never had a second of doubt (and still don't).

You my darling, are doubting this decision a lot. I would've had those pills down my neck as soon as they arrived.

Another vote for sit on this for a while, talk to your partner, mull it over.

I wish you the best whatever you decide X

BuffyFanForever · 01/01/2023 05:08

If you aren’t sure then don’t do it. Better to wait and see how you feel and be sure. This is your boys’ sibling. Have a wait and think about how the baby makes you feel and how your life would be. You already have little ones so presumably have lots of the bits and bobs needed etc. good luck

thatshowirolllandchips · 01/01/2023 09:41

I was in your position. Had a 2.5yo and a 11mo. Totally unplanned. Stupid contraception fail. For a second I was excited. But then thought back to how bloody hard the beginning was with 2 under 2. And thought about how meticulously planned the kids were and how if I wanted a third I wanted to plan that too. We would've needed a bigger car, bigger house (only 2 beds and the kids share now), it would've put more pressure on the grandparents doing childcare and on our finances paying for another 2yrs in nursery. I ended up taking the pills the day before my son's first birthday. Absolutely zero regrets. The due date would've been around now I think and honestly the kids are enough of a handful I don't think I could cope with a third.

In saying that, plenty do manage perfectly fine and thrive with a bigger family. I just knew it wasn't for me. I'm not against a third in the future.

I was only 5 weeks and the actual abortion was totally fine. If you'd told me it was a period I'd have believed you.

Duckingella · 01/01/2023 12:58

I have no opinion either way on your situation.What I can say is that I had 3 in 3 years (each roughly 18 months apart).

It was incredibly hard,money was extremely tight,I was exhausted.If I did it all again I can't say i'd do it again from experience but my children are my life and I can't imagine my life without them.

If you decide to go through with this then nobody blâmes you;it's a tough situation but if you decide to not to then I wish you the best.

Slimjimtobe · 01/01/2023 13:01

I would say don’t make the decision today. Take some time. I only have two so I cannot comment on what it would be like with three. but go with your own instincts (the fact you are on the fence would make me wonder will you regret it)

That said 3 so close could be very hard and change things - just think it all through and take your time

Bigslippers · 01/01/2023 13:11

I was in the same position over 20 years ago.
I was in absolute turmoil as my boys were hard enough and the thought of starting again gave me the panics
Like you I was on the verge of ending the pregnancy.

I woke up one morning and started visualising the babys room and from then visualising another life

My daughter was born and she was the most placid little soul ever. I guess the maternal hormones took over and I realised that with each child your heart grows

That was my experience OP and I cannot even picture my life and family without her.

Whatever decision you make follow your heart. Finances, stress will always be in your life but this baby may be the icing on the cake

I also think that the 3 rd child tends to be easiest (mine and friend’s experiences) because you really don’t sweat the small stuff

Im not trying to persuade you either way but wanting to you my experience

Lolacat1234 · 01/01/2023 13:29

Honestly? If you are wavering i would think extremely carefully about having the abortion... I feel like if it's abortion you need to be sure it's the right thing for you. I had this with my first - I was early 20s and in first year of uni. Lots of reasons not to go ahead with the pregnancy and I had the BPAS appointment and every time I thought about the abortion I would cry and every time I thought about keeping it I found myself thinking of ways to make it work. So that's how I knew it was not right for me. I've had friends that have gone the other way and been resolute in their decisions and one who wasn't sure and went for the abortion anyway and has struggled since. It's obviously a very personal choice, you have to do what's right for you and all that, but what I will say is if you are not 100% sure on the abortion and you go ahead, I think you will find it more difficult. Good luck x