Sick of my mother’s disinterest

[EL8888]

I’m pregnant after 3 rounds of IVF. Much wanted pregnancy that hasn’t been that straightforward e.g. twins, possible gestational diabetes, blood thinning injections, fainting fits etc. I don’t expect daily (or even weekly!) enquiries. But some interest would be nice. E.g. had been to an appointment where l was told l had to have daily blood thinning injections until after the pregnancy and might have gestational diabetes. No interest and no enquiries about these or how it’s panned out. She made noises about buying the pram but then went quiet on that so we cracked on and bought one

Already it’s a bit awkward as my husbands family are asking when she’s coming to visit. Well, not anytime soon! Plus we aren’t allowed to stay at her house now apparently. She lives a distance away so it’s safe to say we won’t be driving hours, transporting a load of baby stuff, paying for fuel and then have to pay out for a hotel or similar. She doesn’t want to stay at ours either for clarity

Not expecting any solutions -my mum has a long history of being fascinated by herself and not wanting to make any effort. So none of this is that new e.g. wanting me to move my brother to university as “she couldn’t be bothered”. Wanting me to change my wedding plans “as it’s not what she really wants to do”. I think what frustrates me is she expects an out of proportion (and unfair bearing in mind her attitude!) amount of interest in minor goings on in her life e.g. a new hall rug.

What is more galling is she got a world of support off her mother when my and my siblings were born / were little. The way things are going my children won’t be able to recognise her in a line up!

As hard as it is I think your going to have to accept that she isn't going to be there for you and focus on the people you do have. Dont waste your time and energy on someone who isn't interested and just look forward to the exciting times ahead 💕

@K37529 see, this matches with how l think l need to handle it. Have zero expectations and concentrate on myself, husband and babies.

Plus don’t get sucked in if she has a brief flurry of interest as any point e.g. l remember her suggesting a few years ago we met “halfway between where we both lived”. What that actually meant was she wanted to meet 40 miles from her house but over 200 miles from where we were! Funnily enough we didn’t do that

Hi @EL8888 sorry that your Mum is not supporting you when you need it most. I would tell my Mum how i feel and if nothing changes unfortunately it is something that i would have to accept 😣

It sounds like there's something wrong with her tbh.

Yes, just accept she isn't interested, and enjoy the support from your ils instead.

Don't worry about what the ils might think. The world has a lot of self-obsessed people, it won't be a surprise to them.

Congratulations. When are the babies due?

Your defences go high, your expectations go low. It doesn’t sound like this is massively out of character behaviour so you have to, I’m afraid, suck it up and (in my experience) try not let it consume you.

This can be really hard when you’re in the world where you have a lot of friends with young children and actively interested grandchildren. Just prep yourself.

Huge congratulations btw! Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Could it be that she is staying emotionally distant until the baby is safely delivered ?

I agree.

How far along are you OP? I ask because my mum was like this before 12 weeks due to her own history of pregnancy loss. I think it's a self preservation thing to not get attached to it in case something happens!

geive for what could have been and concentrate your efforts on positive aspects.

how do you get on with your MIL and family?

when she rings about the new lampshade or hall rug, best to say mum I’m not interested change the subject. Might be shocking but just say I’m up to my knees in babies and you never ask

I think you'll need to try to accept the situation for what it is.

Can you cultivate your relationship with MIL/FIL? It Will be tough when your babies arrive and your mum isn't that interested in them. Having involved/interested grandparents on your husband's side will help counter that if it's possible

Honestly, let it go.
It turns out ok for you in the end.
You build around you your support quite naturally and it all falls into place as you go along.
People take on their roles in your life, this is your mums role.
As upsetting, frustrating and annoying as it is, there is no changing any of it.
Crack on with what you need to do, just crack on with what you have because what you have sounds great without your mum.

Happily for me my mother in law is like this and not my mum, MIL barelt asks how i am hows it going etc? I sent her scan pic and sed its a girl
her forst response was thats a shame ur son wanted a brother.
thanks! Shes negative with everything really annoys me so stopped texting her now too
think id be upset if it was my mum? Hope ur ok OP

Also remind yourself that soon you will be too busy and in love with your little ones to give a rat’s arse about her at all. She will probably want some compulsory photos of herself with the babies to show off to her coven, but you might have to be too busy to entertain her to fit her in. (My mum was exactly the same. Christmas was about showing off my babies to her colleagues - she attempted to totally rearrange my wider family’s plans to suit hers and epic tantrums ensued when we did not play her game.)

No, it’s not massively out of character. I think it’s a case of maintaining boundaries and having low expectations that are hard (in theory!) to disappoint. Plus not give any headspace to any emotional blackmail that may happen along the way

@NalaNana We are way past 12 weeks -over halfway now

This sounds familiar to me! All of her friends are doting grandparents -lots of childcare, days out etc so at some point she will want to put that image across l can imagine. Cue some spectacularly inconvenient plan which works for her but gives no though to my needs e.g. “why don’t you pop round before Patricia’s birthday and then do your own thing?”. We live miles away so can’t ‘pop round’ and then don’t want to be left high and try to then spend money on Airbnb or similar

This is what self-absorbed people are like, I would just be grateful that you have grounds not to look after her when she's older because self-absorbed people don't get any better
Just have a distant relationship with her now so that she can't have a negative impact on your life

It's very upsetting and disappointing. My own mother would have been a good grandmother I think (she's dead) but my mil is horrible and totally disinterested. You reap what you sow. Remember this when she is elderly and needs help.

My mum gave no support when I was pg with DT (and had a toddler), and never helped me with them. I only asked for help once when I was desperate and everyone else was away; she did help but made me feel so bad about it (she had to cancel a beauty appointment- one of my babies was so unwell I thought I was on my way to A&E). But I never expected anything else. Protect yourself from disappointment and get support from elsewhere if you can. And congrats on your pg. X

I can see why people might think that but they only consistent things l see are entitlement and self absorbtion. An example to help explain this, is she reckons my dad’s siblings should have “helped” more when my siblings and l were little. All brothers and sisters had the same number of children as her, Dad’s all worked full time and Mum’s worked full or part time. My Dad was full time and my mum was part time. But she didn’t get involved much with my cousins 🤷‍♀️ For clarity my Dad didn’t have this opinion about his siblings and we weren’t especially hard work children

She struggles to see things from other people’s perspectives -in the sense she doesn’t want to (or doesn’t see why she should have to!), rather than she can’t do it

@Soothsayer1 not going to lie; l have thought about when she is elderly and me taking a huge step back. History may well be re-written (it often is!) and “all the things l did for you” l can imagine being trotted out. At which point l will struggling to think what these things were….

My mother is very much the same... no interest whatsoever in mine or my children's well-being, cares only for dogs.
I'm sure she has trained the little doggies well enough that they can take her to hospital appointments etc etc ☝🏻🙂
I expect one will do the steering wheel and the others will operate the pedals?

I would just be grateful that you have grounds not to look after her when she's older

l have thought about when she is elderly and me taking a huge step back

I know this is a thing that's trotted out regularly on MN but each time I see it I cringe.

May I ask why you cringe? 🙏