Sick of my mother’s disinterest

[EL8888]

I’m pregnant after 3 rounds of IVF. Much wanted pregnancy that hasn’t been that straightforward e.g. twins, possible gestational diabetes, blood thinning injections, fainting fits etc. I don’t expect daily (or even weekly!) enquiries. But some interest would be nice. E.g. had been to an appointment where l was told l had to have daily blood thinning injections until after the pregnancy and might have gestational diabetes. No interest and no enquiries about these or how it’s panned out. She made noises about buying the pram but then went quiet on that so we cracked on and bought one

Already it’s a bit awkward as my husbands family are asking when she’s coming to visit. Well, not anytime soon! Plus we aren’t allowed to stay at her house now apparently. She lives a distance away so it’s safe to say we won’t be driving hours, transporting a load of baby stuff, paying for fuel and then have to pay out for a hotel or similar. She doesn’t want to stay at ours either for clarity

Not expecting any solutions -my mum has a long history of being fascinated by herself and not wanting to make any effort. So none of this is that new e.g. wanting me to move my brother to university as “she couldn’t be bothered”. Wanting me to change my wedding plans “as it’s not what she really wants to do”. I think what frustrates me is she expects an out of proportion (and unfair bearing in mind her attitude!) amount of interest in minor goings on in her life e.g. a new hall rug.

What is more galling is she got a world of support off her mother when my and my siblings were born / were little. The way things are going my children won’t be able to recognise her in a line up!

Fine if it’s makes you cringe but it’s the way l feel. She will have made her bed and then she can lie in it

@Soothsayer1 the thought of the dogs operating the car amuses me! I wonder what they are like at cashing prescriptions and doing online shopping orders?!

@EL8888 I can relate 100%

I have decided to change how and when I interact rather than waste time/energy/headspace.

Indeed, after all the money time and effort she's invested into those ....'furbabies' they owe her big time🐶🐾🐩
I think the local veterinary practice might also help, she has invested some serious wonga there💰

Already it’s a bit awkward as my husbands family are asking when she’s coming to visit. Well, not anytime soon!

Have a line ready for next time they ask you.

It can be really hard to explain the idiosyncrasies of a dysfunctional relationship (of any degree) to someone who's never experienced one and has assumed your relationship with DM is similar to their own parent-child relationships.

And it's also understandable that all the excitement around the baby and other people's comments based on their own expectations about your relationship with your mother would highlight to you how disappointing your relationship with her is, and possibly open up old wounds again. Some therapy could be helpful.

But also having a line to reel off when people do inevitably ask you about your mum's involvement with the baby (and whether she's excited, etc) can be very helpful in avoiding some of the awkwardness and moving the conversation on.

Personally, I would use something like "we're not particularly close" and then move the conversation on. IME, if you go too euphemistic like "well, she's very busy with her own life", it can end up sounding too interesting and tends to invite follow-up questions and then sympathy, which ends up making your baby stuff all about her again.

I agree with you @CovertImage - tit for tat and keeping score is never good, or healthy, or has a nice outcome.

So we should just be mugs should we?

Not at all - and that's not what I am saying.

But there could hopefully be a reasonable middle ground, without saying that you would have no interest in an elderly parent because they didn't help out or have much interest in their grandchildren.
And I say this with sad experience.
I personally just think that tit for tat is unpleasant.

My beef is more about the lack of interest is anyone apart from herself, rather than just the grandchildren e.g. didn’t want to take my older brother to move to university. Wanted me to do it, even though I couldn’t drive and in effect my then boyfriend would needed to have done it.

Yes, I see where you are coming from. I It is also difficult when, in the midst of their self-absorption, they see you as very low on the totem pole. and secondary to others within the family. People who do this are usually quite blind to the hurt they cause, and then of course, when it is pointed out to them, they become the victim and feel "got at" - which again, rebounds right back on you.....

And I am sure there is another "saying" you must have heard - that you cannot change someone else's behaviour, only your reaction to it. And it is true - and has taken me a lifetime to learn, and to treat my own mental well-being with a respect that they bypass entirely. You certainly have enough on your plate and upcoming, to push her down on the totem pole for a time, don't you think? Or try to, at least....

So, this is where the dislike of Tit for Tat/keeping score comes in..... It never accomplishes anything nice, so I agree wholeheartedly with the PP who said that it makes them cringe, and wholeheartedly disagree with it as a recommendation.

@LoveMyPiano, 'tit for tat' is an unpleasant way of describing it - surely it's more a case of people whose parent(s) repeatedly disappoint them/let them down throughout their adult lives (never mind in childhood), will become distant from those parents, and in turn will feel uninclined to put themselves out when those uninterested parents need care in older life.

I'm never going to be tested on this, my parents died before they became elderly, but I think I'd feel that way.

It took becoming a mother myself to realise just how selfish and self absorbed my narcissistic mother really is.

Becoming a parent is hard but it’s made all the harder in my opinion when you don’t have the support of a close family member, ie your own mother. When I had my first, all of my NCT group were constantly on about how they couldn’t have survived the first few days/weeks without the help and support of their mothers, meanwhile mine is a useless alcoholic at the best of times.

I’m not saying this to upset you OP, but to warn you. I really struggled with PND and have also recently had some extensive therapy to come to accept how useless my mother is.

Do you have good support from other family members? I didn’t have any, and I think it significantly contributed to me feeling so low and anxious post-birth.

@Walkacrossthesand exactly, it’s hardly “tit for tat’. One party want it’s all their own way and their wants being top of everyone’s mind 24/7. Versus the other people being expected to make the effort, do the running around and suppress their wants. For example mother’s logic about family birthdays is let’s go where l want and others pay. Logic about other people’s birthday is also let’s go where l want and others pay

When I say Tit for Tat, I mean that that is how I (personally) see it when people on these forums say they won't feel inclined to help an elderly parent or relative due to the behaviour, whatever that may be, of the relative when they were younger and didn't have as much input, or were self-absorbed, narcissistic, played favourites - you name it..... I do not think that it can be that cut and dried, surely?
And calling it Tit for Tat, is only saying basically what it is!
BOTH of my parents have done all of the above, and far far worse - and I would not see myself as a doormat if I were to help them if they needed me to. However, they won't. One is on another continent and does not care is I am alive or dead,, and I cannot locate my mother, despite having tried through the wierdo nasty stepbrother who took my place.

I think some parents aren't able to let go of the power they had over you when you were the child, I doubt they consciously recognise it but they see themselves as eternally the boss and you a mere child.
Plus the tendency for becoming blinkered & stuck in your ways as you age?

I agree - a sort of parental "arrested development". In the case of some though, they overtly have absolutely no desire to change. My father has said he is "too old to change" since he was in his forties. He had no desire to or belief that he should.

But I too am a classic case of arrested development, due to a perfect storm of events when I was younger. Combined with the power you suggest they have, and exert - a recipe for disaster. My father would speak to me as though I were an objectionable teenager even now.

I haven’t much to add other than I really feel for you OP. I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy now and have been through similar with my mother.

I don’t know why I thought she may be different and interested in my life now we’re expecting her first grandchild but she routinely ‘forgets’ important dates and things I tell her about the pregnancy. Never calls or checks in unless I message her - I’ve also been in hospital 2/3 times a week since 28 weeks as I’ve got high BP and she never checks in. (VS my dad who calls and checks in 2/3 times a week)

Also v. Awkward trying to explain her lack of interest to partners family. MIL keeps asking how long my mother will come and stay after the baby is born and the reality is she might visit for a day and go home but even that is wishful thinking (I have seen her twice this pregnancy, once for a family funeral so doesn’t really count!)

Anyway as I said I really feel for you, somehow even though we know what our parents are like it’s easy to hope they might change or be more supportive in these crucial moments of our lives! And I completely understand what you mean about taking a step back in her later years.

Is she usually distant? If not, is it possible that your pregnancy is bringing up uncomfortable memories for her? The first year or two of a child's life can be extremely hard and she may not wish to spend much time reflecting on that era if it was difficult for her or she struggled with PND.

@OrangeBanana22 I'm sorry to hear this - but your MIL taking an interest is a great thing for you in the absence of your own mum. If I were you I'd tell her everything. She might not want to overstep now, but if she's aware that you don't have maternal support from your own mum she might love to get now involved at the beginning than she might have thought she'd be able to (assuming you get on well and would welcome that, of course)

Sometimes it's rubbish but it's better for you and your babies to accept it now. I have only just accepted how self centred my mum is and now I feel amazing about not letting her ruin things that make me happy. You don't need her approval, acceptance, help, support. :)

It’s hard. I would warn you that having a baby brings up so much from your own childhood. So although you may logically know she’s not going to change, it can still be really upsetting to actually experience it. Especially when other new mums have loads of help and grandparents who are interested.

Yes, it’s pretty normal for her. It sounds like she had some PND, she attributes it to us being “hard work”. But it’s difficult to tell as it’s a long running story of my siblings and l (especially me!) being difficult and challenging children. In reality l don’t think we were better or worse than most children. No back stories of police involvement, drugs, suspensions or under age pregnancies etc. I have some neurodiversities but again they are / were dismissed by her

@BlandSoup good points. I would probably do well to start preparing myself now

@OrangeBanana22 yes, l see what you mean about parallels! I wasn’t thrilled by the blood thinning injections for 27+ weeks (including 8 weeks from the IVF bit) or the possible gestational diabetes. I hope your BP has settled down and you’re feeling better

I doubt my mother will even come for the day anytime soon. There may well be a performative visit much later in proceedings, involving her wanting to do lots of small baby unfriendly activities. Then being confused why we can’t / won’t drive her everywhere as there is no space in the car due to the 2 car seats. Combined with “helpful” suggestions about do they really need car seats (you never had them!) and how about buying smaller ones (really, none of them are that small!). Plus some sulking in the mix -that’s a go to if she’s not getting what she wants