I want a child / I don’t want a child ???

[Rugbytowngirl]

Im 38 and a half and my other half is 57. His kids are grown up, I’ve never had kids. We’ve been together for 2 years and loving life. We’re so happy and having so many adventures. But…. I want a family of our own. If I was 35 or younger I’d carry on as we are and have a few more years of adventures and enjoy our relationship as it is. But I’m 38. And need ivf.

Hes now turned round to me and said there are times when he thinks he doesn’t want to go through having kids and babies again. We spent Xmas with my 1 and 3 yr old nephews and it reminded him how hard it is and he’s not sure if he wants it as it changes your life. I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t have doubts.

I love our life as it is at the moment. I love our adventures and time together and long lazy lie ins. But I also want kids and the adventures they bring. But then I want to continue our life as it is now, and don’t want it to change. If I was to conceive naturally we’d both be over the moon (but a little scared). But we have to make a conscious decision to become pregnant and it’s so scary! I just don’t know what to do?

does this make me a bad person? Am I not ready to be a mum? I can’t wait much longer on the nhs and just don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any words of support or advice to help settle me please? I’ve literally got nobody to talk to as I have no friends and things are strained with my family.

38 is fine. Personally I think 57 is far too old. 60, changing nappies and running after a toddler who is your own. The child will be starting high school as dad is turning 70. Is that what you want? And there is reduced chance of him then meeting and knowing his grandchildren from that DC.

You have to separate out what you want from what he wants.

I think he's fairly clear he doesn't want to go through it again. And fair enough. He's done it. And let's face will be a pensioner when his kids at school.

What do you really want? It is crunch time for you sadly. There's no halfway house with kids.

I'm afraid none of us can answer for you. But if you do want kids your window is closing. And you have to be honest with yourself

He’s not clear though, that’s the thing. Part of him wants nothing more than to have kids with me. But part of him doesn’t. I want kids but I just wish I’d done it earlier. But then I wouldn’t have met my current partner who I adore and I would have been with a narcissistic ar$e and been unhappy. I’m so conflicted!!!!!

If you want kids, go for it. But they are take take take. Naturally. It is not something for you if that makes sense.

I love my kids and it has made me a better person but it is so much harder than you ever think it will be.

It's giving. Constant giving.

But you have to decide what YOU want.

It's irrelevant what he wants.

Do you want a child?

Then you can work out what happens from there

It's a base decision. It's not dependent on whether you're single, with the right partner or with the wrong partner.

Work out what you really want. Then take it from there. You shouldn't be deciding whether you want to become a parent on what your partner wants. That way lies resentment.

Almost the same op, I’m 36 and he’s 56 but we do want kids of our own. Hopefully won’t need ivf but we’ve been trying for a while and no luck yet. I did hear you won’t get it on the bus if one of you already has kids though…

I have to agree with @pastayeti.

My mum and dad are only mid 50's and they find it hard to keep up with my DS (3.5) when they have him for the day... add in sleepless nights etc. and I think they'd struggle.

Would you consider fostering? Might be a way to integrate children into your lives without it being a permanent scenario if your circumstances ever change and also give a child a much needed living home.

I do want kids…… but the question is do I want them now or do I want to carry on with our life as it is for a bit?

but that can’t be a question so my only options are
1: do I want kids now with my partner who I adore?
2: do I want my life just to be with my partner and no kids ever?
Tough call!!!!!!

We haven’t even discussed it to be honest. I want to experience pregnancy and all it brings but I know it’ll be hard for him. But I also know a couple of couples in a similar situation. A friend has a 2 year old with a 60 year old day and they love it

I'm not sure I'd say kids bring 'adventure'. The early years are unrelenting, and exhausting. Also you need to think about childcare, because when a child is ill, if you don't have family on hand, expected to be taking an endless amount of time off work.
I love my dc and absolutely wouldn't be without them, and now they are older parenting is easier. But my career stalled for 10 years, and at times the stress of trying to juggle work and childcare almost broke me, and the early years almost broke our marriage.
It's very easy to start feeling resentful of your partner once children enter the equation, because of the fatigue and tediousness, because no spare time, because once you are a parent, you can't go 'ahh fuck it, don't like this I'm off'.

Thank you! So lovely to hear someone in a similar situation!! NHS trusts and their criteria vary from place to place. Ours says the kids can’t be living with you in order to qualify so we’re ok there.
how’s he feeling about it all if you don’t mind me asking?

Oh wow, really? We have his 2 just under half of the week so I guess it doesn’t help us- but it’s interesting to know!

he feels pretty good I think, he’s very nervous that his swimmers might not be up to it though (as am I). He really likes babies and knows it’s important to me to have my/our own. He’s very active and has a pretty good diet (being a veggie helps) though he does have to watch his back. Neither of us would choose to do it this late on- I hate it when people point out our (his) age like we might not know… but we have only been together 2.3 years and living together since April so there hasn’t been any ‘waiting’ to start trying really. It was his suggestion to come off of contraception when we did. He’s such a great dad but is under no illusions about how hard it is/can be.

We’ve started the process to get the doctors involved now.

Honestly if you want kids and forgive me for being blunt time is not on your side. I don't think coasting is an option

You need to have a chat with him. Because ivf will put a strain on everyone.

And then I guess when you have his answer you have to decide whether your desire to have kids is more powerful than your desire to be with him. (Unless he says he's fully in and wants another kid. I'm sorry but that sounds unlikely)

As someone who dated a guy with a similar age gap who originally said he wanted kids. The minute we actually started talking about it I think even he realised it was just a pipe dream. I think he probably meant it when he said it. But seeing my two scamper about made him realise he wasn't ready to lose his independence again now his own kids were grown up. He loves kids. And he loved mine. But more of his own he definitely did not want.

I'm 38 now and have ds2 who's 18m now and DS1 who's 10. Parenting is not a walk in the park - unless it's Jurassic park! It's hard those first few years and DS2 is just starting to come out of the other side of that now I bloody hope!

On top of all that, if your partner is older, it's worth considering that you might not have time for many adventures after the "child" stage so altering your life for children now might be altering your life forever more. Nothing is guaranteed of course, and I love being a mum but I'm also looking forward to the plans I have with DH once the children are grown up.

I can understand that to some degree - pregnancy can be an incredible experience! However, I personally wonder if that's enough to risk your relationship- young children can put a strain on the healthiest couple and your DP
may resent you down the line if this isn't something he really wants.

What would his pension be like? Teens are expensive. Is your career at a point where you feel confident to let it take a back seat?

I personally think your friends are not being completely honest with you (or themselves)! No one LOVES parenthood all of the time and age will have a significant impact on that I would have thought.

Just playing devils advocate here... obviously it's a very personal decision and you need to think about what's best for your family as you don't want regrets.

I'm sorry but I think he's way too old. If you've always wanted children, why start a relationship with someone 20 years older, in their mid-50s, who already has adult kids?? Once you hit your 30s you need to be looking for a partner who is closer in age and who will want children (if that's what you want). Personally, I think a man over 50 would be mad to father children.

Would you consider using a sperm donor?

"I’ve literally got nobody to talk to as I have no friends and things are strained with my family."

why no friends? Do you have no hobbies or social life apart from your partner?

I don't get this idea that parenting is somehow some sort of glorious adventure. Yes, it's fantastic but it's also small, if you know what I mean? Personally I loved that aspect of it but it's not 'oh I'm going to strap the baby on my back and hike the Patagonian trail', it's more 'oh YEAH let's go and post a letter wee man and you can put it in the slot.'

I think a pp has it nailed in that it has to be your decision and you have to make that outside of anything your partner is saying. Then you can take it from there.

Dump him and pick someone younger to have children with.
His kids will probably be surprised and a bit pissed off if he has a baby at his age.

There are certain risk factors that come with an older father. I think autism has been linked with older fathers. (I'm sure I'll be corrected if I'm wrong)
Also how will you cope financially when he retires? When he won't be there at your child's wedding, to meet his grandchildren etc. Are you prepared to do almost all of the hard work because at 33 it's exhausting, can't imagine doing this at twice this age.

I had my DD when I was 38 and a half. I was married for 8 years.

I didn’t know if I wanted children (and didn’t really like them) and I remember saying to people ‘but why do people have children? I understand why someone has a watching machine, car, but what do children do for you? (I was an idiot I know).

I then fell pregnant accidentally, and was still in two minds about it all. My husband was completely neutral which didn’t help, but I didn’t feel I could have a termination.

What I then realised that you have a child to feel that unconditional love. I don’t think any relationship comes close. I had a very odd upbringing and my mother definitely made me feel that I made her life worse. I had felt no love from her.

You fall in love with your own child, and you end up wanting nice things to happen to them more than you’d like them for yourself.

There are so many downsides. It is hard work, and most of the early months the work will fall to you. It can bring permanent change to your body. It will stress a marriage, and the person you now love with your heart and soul will become less important. Any selfishness will become a friction point. Sometimes you will get unlucky, and that child may have health issues, behavioural issues. They may even become someone it is hard to like, temporarily or permanent.

I am very introverted, and life with a dependant child was hard for me. My husband fell as much in love with her as I did. Life was not rosy, my husband was the Disney dad, and resentment did build.

Ive now hit the menopause, and my husband is now my STBXH. Things change in ways you can’t envisage.

BUT, my DD will always be the love of my life. She just is, and now my life has changed, I’m so glad that I have her.

I never, never subscribed to the idea that a child should be the support to a parent in old age (my mother did enough of that to me). But all the love And support I have given her since she was a baby, is now coming back to me now she is an adult. I feel blessed to have her.

Thats an awfully long ramble to say I think you should give it ago. You say you know you want a family. If you don’t try because you put your partners feelings first, you will be resentful one day. IVF may not work, but at least you tried. If you do have a baby, and your DP doesn’t fully support you, you may also be resentful one day. It’s never a total win.

You are worried that you will miss your easy days, yes you will but wouldn’t swap it for your baby. So unless you know you are deeply selfish and lazy (ie your house is a tip, and your DP does everything instead of you).

If your DP is concerned, I assure you one child is light years away from two.

Ive realised this reply Is too long, and is from my unique perspective. I don’t know you, you don’t know me. But if I did, and you were sitting in front of me, this is what I’d say to you.

Hi OP, I had my first child at 37, and second in lockdown at 40. Both conceived naturally with my DH who is my age.

We'd been together for 15 years before DS1, had used our disposable cash and time and used it well for a ton of fun travelling and general highly-enjoyable self-indulgent nonsense :)

Little one is nearly 2 now, DS1 5 and a half. Our relationship has been tested SO much by having little kids, it's unreal. I had birth injuries from DS1 and pretty bad PND. DH felt like our child had destroyed me and our life, and struggled to bond.

We struggle to have date nights out - I think I can count them on my hand from the past 2 years. Youngest is very clingy and I can't really let my hair down and relax knowing he's most likely screaming the house down... There's no quality time as couple any more. It's all about the kids, all the time. We don't have family near by and GPs are too old to help out.

We are having couple's counselling, he's also doing some 121 therapy and we are working hard to keep our family together. It feels like we have to grit our teeth and get through this incredibly hard few years of endless need and mess and sleep-deprivation...

Yes, I love my kids more than life. No, I don't regret having them AT ALL. But I would definitely not recommend having them to anyone who is at all neutral or ambivalent! Which in your case is your DH.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

You’ve got some nasty comments on here op, until people have been in (or been close to someone in) an ‘age gap relationship’ then I’m not sure they’re the best people to weigh in, if I’m honest.

You can’t/shouldn’t be expected to ‘just go and find another partner’ it doesn’t work like that! Yes he’s a lot older, yes that will have different challenges but how many posts do you read on here about feckless, useless dads who are a ‘normal’ age. I had done online dating for years before I met dp, fruitlessly wasting my time with irrelevant men (of the ‘right’ age), why would continuing with that- be better than a healthy and happy relationship with someone older than me?

Unless you’ve been in this sort of position, it’s pretty impossible to judge.

as for the link between ASD and older fathers, it’s not as clear cut and first read, do some digging…

All these comments giving your personal opinion about his age - I wasn’t asking about that! and the person who said ‘dump him’…… geez! Have some respect and understanding please. We’re VERY happy together. And he treats me better than anyone I’ve ever met. I’m beginning to regret posting this now. I was only asking if people have ever been in two minds about having kids and if I was normal for thinking like this. I wasn’t asking for judgment on our ages, the fact that I have no friends or on my family. And yes, I have sporting hobbies, but they’re on hold at the moment whilst I wait for an operation which means I can’t do them until it happens.

He's too old and you're lovely life will be impacted negatively.