I want a child / I don’t want a child ???

[Rugbytowngirl]

Im 38 and a half and my other half is 57. His kids are grown up, I’ve never had kids. We’ve been together for 2 years and loving life. We’re so happy and having so many adventures. But…. I want a family of our own. If I was 35 or younger I’d carry on as we are and have a few more years of adventures and enjoy our relationship as it is. But I’m 38. And need ivf.

Hes now turned round to me and said there are times when he thinks he doesn’t want to go through having kids and babies again. We spent Xmas with my 1 and 3 yr old nephews and it reminded him how hard it is and he’s not sure if he wants it as it changes your life. I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t have doubts.

I love our life as it is at the moment. I love our adventures and time together and long lazy lie ins. But I also want kids and the adventures they bring. But then I want to continue our life as it is now, and don’t want it to change. If I was to conceive naturally we’d both be over the moon (but a little scared). But we have to make a conscious decision to become pregnant and it’s so scary! I just don’t know what to do?

does this make me a bad person? Am I not ready to be a mum? I can’t wait much longer on the nhs and just don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any words of support or advice to help settle me please? I’ve literally got nobody to talk to as I have no friends and things are strained with my family.

Thank you!!!! The comments are bloody horrible aren’t they? I’ve been in tears as it is without all this. I was only asking for some support to see if I wasn’t the only one who was in two minds. Surely I can’t be???

never wanted judgment on my age gap!!

What link did you mean by ASD please?

I'm in a relationship with a man in his mid-fifties with a young child and he is very very tired and sees no end in being able to read a bit more. Why has your name OP changed or have I missed that?

*relax

Apart from the single poster saying dump him what horrible comments are you crying about? I mean...

You've asked for honest advice. You've got some.

The stark reality is it will be fucking hard at that age. My ex is older than your partner. Physically fit, he's in the gym every day and currently up some mountain in Ecuador... But when the reality of having kids again hit No he didn't want them

I've just said you both need to be honest with yourselves.

If staying with this man is more important than having kids. That's fine. But that's something you'll have to live with.

Having kids - there is no grey area. No compromise. So you need to make sure you're both on the same page. Otherwise one of you will end up resenting the other. That's got fuck all to do with age gaps.

Honestly, I think you have to be all in. I adore it, it's so hard, if we weren't 100% committed I don't know how we'd get through the tough moments and there's loads..
Also not sure you know but you've had a name change fail?

The age gap and lack of support from family and friends are all very relevant to the decision about whether or not to have children.

People aren't judging your ages. Or the age gap

They're giving factual responses because his age is entirely relevant to the situation.

You'd get different responses if you'd put you were both the same age... cos you know the situation would be different

I don't know why you can't see that? Perhaps you've been judged by your age gap before. I couldn't give a toss about age gaps. But when it comes to have a kid at his age yeah I think it makes a difference.

If you need IVF, do the first bit now. Do the consultations, do your stims cycle and see if you can get some embryos to freeze. That part is much harder once you hit 40. You then buy yourself another few years to decide.

If you love your life right now and don't want it to change then don’t have children. It will change your life and your priorities beyond recognition.

This can be hard enough for couples where both really want children. But he doesn't. He is just letting you down gently by saying he's not sure, because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. And of course he knows how unfair biology is, that you only have a few years if you want to do this. While he has the luxury of decades of fertility and multiple chances.

And he doesn’t want to say no and deny you what he already has. That feels very unfair. But that doesn’t mean he actaully wants children , he would only be doing it for your sake.

He likes your life as it is. having all your attention , your long lie ins and adventure. No doubt he loves your pre pregnancy and childbirth body. The spare time, cash and all that freedom.

He knows he will lose that all.

I assume he is planning too retire in a few years, so he will be a SAHP and your will be working full time to provide for your family. How will you both feel about that?

Will he be happy and competent to take on that role? Does he do 50% of everything ( i mean everything ) right now?

A lot of men of his/ my generation are ok to “ help out “ but expect the woman to do 80% of the work and 100% of the planning / management / responsibility . If he does that you will end up burnt out and very resentful.

Financially - are you able to live off your wages and his pension and support a child for the next ? 25 year , when he is 85? ( Im guessing 2 -3 years from now to birth and 22 years until your child is finished education ). Have you done projections with your financial advisor>

Realistically, as soon as your child leaves full time education ( and your are 63 and 85), you may well be your partner’s carer. Very few 85 years olds are travelling the world and having great adventures.

Age gaps between couples tend to feel bigger and not smaller as the years go on.

Finally I fear that if you go ahead with this and have a baby, your partner will soon decide that its not for him. So you need to be prepared to be a single mum.

Im sorry I wish I could be more encouraging and say go ahead, it will all be fine.

The average life expectancy of a 57yo man is 84. Obviously they can live much longer (and we hope they do) but it is rather sobering.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/articles/lifeexpectancycalculator/2019-06-07

Don't do it. Enjoy being child free

He's way too old.

His age means an increased risk of genetic abnormalities and autism.

His age, coupled with his lack of enthusiasm for starting over also means that he might not share the burden equally. Simply due to lack of energy and patience. He'll be 70ish with a 10 year old. You think he'll be able to keep up? You'll probably be stuck doing much if not all the hard bits of parenting.

His age also means that there is a non-negligible probability of his health declining and you becoming his carer in 15-20 years. Are you prepared to deal with that while parenting a teenager?

The age gap might not feel like much right now, but you might experience it quite differently when you're only 50ish and he's 70ish. Throw a kid in the mix and it will be even more acute.

'I was only asking if people have ever been in two minds about having kids and if I was normal for thinking like this'

Entirely normal. I was absolutely torn in two about the whole issue for many years. Part of me longed for a baby, right down in my guts. Another part of me knew I just wouldn't cope well with the reality of parenthood. Like you, very happy relationship, and DP could have been persuaded either way

I'm 43 now and definitely won't be having kids. I do have mixed feelings about it, and I certainly have wistful moments wondering what might have been. However, I'm as sure as I can be that I made the right choice. We are financially secure, have lots of downtime, get lots of sleep, are generally in good health, have a good relationship and get to live a lot of life on our own terms. To me, these are HUGELY precious things that you simply don't give up unless you are damn sure that the risk is worth it. I worked with children for 20 years so had absolutely no rose tinted specs about what children need and what parenthood involves

There's also the issue that your DP doesn't want any more children. You really need to believe him when he says this. He has been there once before, knows what is involved, and doesn't want to do it again. My advice, for what it's worth, is don't give up the lovely life you have for a gamble on what might be. And if you choose to gamble, don't do it with him. He's made his position clear. Good luck to you, it's a very tough and very personal decision

Only you can decide. There are pros and cons either way.
Your partner being older does affect this choice though.
Older parents can be fab, more patience, wisdom etc. There are higher risks of certain things - possibly autism (ASD)
I have friends whose Dad's were in later life when they were born, they have fond memories, but they were old Dad's compared to their friends Dad's and died while their kids were still relatively young. However, they continued to have close and loving relationships with their Mum's.
As with anyone considering children you need to think about how you will house, feed and look after them, potentially fund university etc.

I've been in a similar situation so can understand everything you're saying. I'm 38 and pregnant with our first and only child after ivf. My husband is 53 and will be almost 54 when baby is born although its his first child too. I've always been a bit on the fence about if I wanted kids or not and sometimes do think about all the things I won't get to do, holidays, money struggles etc but then I think about all the things I'll get to do with my child and it doesn't feel like I'll be missing out at all. We found the more we talked about it the more it was something we wanted.

My husband has said he's nervous about being an older dad but at the same time he's said he feels more ready for it now and says he feels he has alot to offer a child. He says he's looking forward to coming home from work and spending time with his child, whereas he knows a few younger fathers who want to be off out with their mates etc. We actually know quite a few older dad's, the oldest being in his late 60s when he had kids and he adores them. We know it will be difficult without family support as they're too old to help really and financially might be a challenge when my husband retires but being older we're in alot better position than alot of younger parents.

I dont think I'd wait a couple of years before ivf though. Chances of it working drop after 35 and then again at 38. I was lucky it worked on the 2nd go for us but even going private it took a year and a half from first contact to actually getting pregnant and there's no guarantee it would work. It's a really tough decision and not something you can just jump into. You just need to think how you'll feel in 5-10 years time either way and make sure you know exactly how things would work if you did have a child.

Also just ignore the idiots saying to find someone younger. You can't choose who you fall in love with and I'd take my older husband any day over the men my own age I've dated.

I understand your dilemma. I’m 36 and very much in two minds. Time isn’t on my side but I’m single so if I want a baby I will have to go down the sperm donor route and then face being a lone parent. It seems like such a big, life-changing decision. I am so broody when I am with my nephews or friends children and I would love family life, but also recognise as a lone parent bringing up a baby would be very different for me and have difficulties my friends and family with loving partners don’t face. It seems like such a massive decision, I have some friends who were in two minds and just made the decision to stop contraception and see what happened but obviously if you need to go down an assisted route to get pregnancy leaving it to chance isn’t possible and I think the decision feels much bigger and more final when it will involve appointments and money etc. It’s hard for me to imagine a life with a child but also hard to imagine a future without one, if I had the option to just delay my decision for 5-10 years I absolutely would but obviously I know my fertility will be in decline and time is potentially running out which just makes the decision feel even more pressured and momentous. I don’t want to wake up in 5 years and regret not having children at a point where it’s too late, but equally don’t want to make the decision to have a child lightly and embark on it just because it feels like now or never. I’m sorry there is no easy answer but I do understand where you are coming from.

I know the point of your post wasn’t about your age gap, but it struck a chord with me with what you have said in your OP. I was in an age gap relationship a few years ago. When we broke up I was 29 and he was 50. One of the main reasons we split was because I wanted kids and he felt too old. I didn’t understand it at the time, I thought he’d be fine to have more kids. Fast forward 7-8 years, we are still in touch through mutual friends and he now has many health issues some requiring surgery. He seems very old even for his age now. I thank my lucky stars I don’t now have a primary aged child with him.

I mean this is a non judgemental or confrontational way - 57 is too old to have a kid, it just is. It wouldn't be fair on anyone involved.
Think very carefully about if kids something you can't picture your future without. And if so, find a way to have them without him. And soon! But there is nothing wrong with cherishing the relationship you have with your partner and investing in that, and having a child free life ahead of you.

Sorry but 57 is way to old to be having kids. You'll end up widowed as a single mum or basically a single mum as hell struggle to keep up. My dad is the same age and he struggles to keep up with my kids and they aren't babies!

'I don’t want to wake up in 5 years and regret not having children at a point where it’s too late, but equally don’t want to make the decision to have a child lightly and embark on it just because it feels like now or never.'

I hear you. Its just so tough! You either take one path or the other, there's no half measure. One thing that helped a bit was reminding myself that there wasn't a 'right' decision necessarily - there may well always be a wistful part of you that wonders 'what if...'. Maybe being a parent would have been the best thing I ever did, but I'll never know! I'm fine with that really. For me it just wasn't worth the risk

Only you can decide OP, no matter what other people think. You will live that life, not them. you need to be comfortable with your actions.
And if everyone would listen what other people say, many people wouldn’t have got/reached many things in their life (however you interpret it).
Wishing you all the best.

My DH is 52 and we have a 2 year old and a 5 year old. I am over a decade younger. He is much much more tired than me re the exhaustion of young children. It's hard to understand pre kids just how relentless ans exhausting it really is. I don't mean to be patronising - I genuinely just did not realise until I did it.
I think you may find he puts his foot down on this. I couldn't do it again now a third time and I'm much younger.
I'm really sorry but you probably need to decide if the relationship or the chance to have children is more important to you