SIL MC but I'm pregnant

[Flyingpandabear]

My dear SIL announced her pregnancy as soon as she found out. I was utterly delighted when she told us because I had just found out I was pregnant with my first too. My partner and I were not ready to tell anybody at that time though, I wanted to see a scan first. I'm afraid to believe it until then. But unfortunately SIL just suffered an early MC. I'm so worried for her and I now feel I have this horrible guilty secret I'm keeping from her but will have to unleash quite soon. I'll be 12 weeks next week but I just can't fathom the idea of sharing our happy news right when she's so devastated. I also don't want her to feel we're treating her with kid gloves by not telling her. I need your opinions on the most sensitive way to handle this all. The last thing I want to do is make her feel any worse. Our due dates would have been so close together 💔

Send her a text just before you announce it to the rest of the family. Don't tell her in person or over the phone.

Oh dear and congrats to you!

I think regardless how you handle she will be devastated. I've gone through this myself and know how it feels. You have to tell her regardless but don't be surprised if she starts avoiding you. It will hurt her every time she sees you. But that's just how it is and she will have to live with it.

At the same time you deserve to be happy and enjoy your pregnancy. Good luck!

Oh and congratulations!

Tell her by text so she doesn’t feel obliged to react a certain way and can process in private. Don’t send scan photos. Tell her first so she doesn’t hear it from another family member. Then give her as much space as she needs and let her take the lead.

Oh and congratulations to you!

Thank you three for your replies. It's interesting @FlounderingFruitcake and @Helpmymum you both said to send a text, I wouldn't have considered this approach before. I know this is not the normal happy circumstances, but I would have told her face to face if she hadn't gotten this horrible news. I hope a text doesn't come across as cold? But I totally understand it provides her the space to deal with my news in private and not have to put on a front. Tbh its what i wpuld want if shoe was on other foot. @BoredOfRain I'm so sorry you've been through this. I suppose I'm searching for a solution that will spare her further hurt, but I have to accept that is unavoidable.

Yes, I'm afraid it is unavoidable. I couldn't even look at pregnant women for at least 6months afterwards.

I do Iike the idea of a text. Also don't push her to meet you or anything like that. Just make sure she knows you understand how she feels. She might feel guilty she is not able to be there for you. So try to put her at ease on that aspect as well x

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, it helps a lot. I think I will text her a few days before we tell anyone else so she and her boyfriend have some time to digest it and prepare before the wider family starts chiming in with congratulations. I'll make sure she knows I support whatever way she needs to deal with it and I hope she'll feel she can be honest with me and tell me if she needs space.

Congratulations! Really lovely news for you!!

I have been in your SIL's situation multiple times and would have really appreciated a text.
A friend hid it from us so I was gutted when I found out at a
dinner that everyone already knew and had felt awkward about telling us.
I was also told face to face which was really sweet of them to come over (they thought it would be better) but I would have much preferred a text so I could have been devastated and cried rather than fighting back tears and pretending was well.

Wishing you all well

@Ostridge sending you lots of hugs 🫂 gosh it must have made you feel so isolated when everyone else knew. It's never nice to feel like people are managing you, even if it comes from a good place. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's tragic too because people have the best intentions but not necessarily the best ideas. I'm glad there seems to be a consensus here about texting

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Are you going to have a big family gathering soon? If so, I would rather tell the news after, otherwise people will talk about this at the gathering and it might be really hurtful for your SIL. So I would tell her first, by text but after holidays so then she will have a few weeks to process the news before she’ll have to face you and others somewhere.

I was in the same situation as you, except I was the one that had the loss (multiple). My SIL handled it terribly, didn't tell me till she was 6 months, didn't tell us when the baby was born etc. Wasn't supportive on any sense.
I'm now pregnant and will always feel let down by her. She's a very self centered person and when we told the family about our news she brought all the attention back to herself and her pregnancies.

Is her partner your brother, if so I might message him, but agree with messaging.

I was in this situation. Literally crying when typing this. DH announced our pregnancy to his 'best friend' whose GF was also pregnant but they didn't tell us at the time which is totally fine. We lost ours, DH told the 'friend'. They posted pregnancy announcement on FB after 12 week scan with the same due date, that's how DH found out. Then the 'friend' ghosted him and it's been months since ghosting. DH thinks that whenever they're ready, he will accept back into our lives. I strongly think they are male private parts and I don't ever want them in our house again. Whenever this comes up, we argue and it leads to tears.
Please send SIL and DB a text before announcing and be supportive. We never got anything from those two and honestly, I will never forgive them for how badly they handled this.

Send a text before you tell everyone else, don’t send her scan photos. I once got a photo of a positive pregnancy test and then a couple of weeks later a scan photo from someone else. I didn’t want to see either of them.

Thanks Flying. Yes totally everyone had the best intentions but obviously didn't think to consult Mumsnet for advice 😀 so nice that you did ❤️

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I've also been on the receiving end.
But..

I don't think the people who are expecting, in this case, your friends, did anything out of spite. I've been on both ends, lost a baby and also pregnant when my friends lost a baby. It's very hard to know what to do and how to do it. As hard and unfair as it seems, nobody owes anyone an explanation of when they're pregnant / when they are going to announce to the public. The people in this situation may have 'ghosted' as they don't know what to say, or maybe think you need some space?

Being on both ends - as shit as it is, others shouldn't be stopped announcing their news because someone else is going through a loss. This news is the most exciting thing in the world to them, and as cold as this sounds, is more at the forefront of their minds then tiptoeing around others. Yes there are better ways to do so and it is kind to maybe tell the person before hand if they've gone through a loss.
In my case, I didn't want people to message me separately, or come and see me separately. I didn't want any special treatment as it made me feel isolated from everybody else. Like everyone's tiptoeing around wondering when to message or tell me. What will I say. How will I react.

People have losses and people have babies.
People have divorces and people have marriages.
People get sacked and people get promotions. It's all a part of life. But holding onto so much anger over another persons happiness will just made you even more resentful.

All they did was announce their happy news. As I said, it's hard to know what the couple going through a loss want and it's such a gamble.

Congratulations! My heart goes out to your SIL and your DB: They're very lucky to have you in their lives as you seem very caring.

No matter, she’s going to hurt. No matter how gentle you are, it’s going to be hard for her. I agree that you should text and maybe schedule a one on one with her before telling everyone. If she seems unreservedly excited: great! Let her set the tone and go from there. If she wants to keep things light and happy, then just follow suit.

However, if it hits her wrong, be gentle but open. Tell her that all she needs to do is text you if she decides to opt out of a baby shower or anything else like updates. Please don’t take it personally if she does: hopefully she’ll feel better sooner rather than later and have her own bouncing baby to be a cousin to yours when they’re ready. Again, congratulations: I think you’ll be a lovely mum!

Did the friends maybe leave you be, instead of ghosting you to give you the time you need? How would they know that you don't want space and you want an individual announcement first in private, before telling the rest? Or to delay the social media announcement? What would you have preferred them to do? I'm not being goady I'm genuinely trying to see if from the other side.

Not everybody going through a loss wants to be told separately, to have the spot light on them as to how they'll react. It's really hard to know what the right thing to do is, but I don't think the answer is to stop others announcing their news.

Personally, I would 100% send a text to a friend just before announcing on Facebook. So they could hear directly from me. Nowhere in my post I implied they shouldn't have announced. Also, believe me you can't understand this pain unless you have been through it. And from your message I can see you haven't. Yes, shit happens in everyone's lives but if you can do something to be at least a little nice to someone, then why not?
No, it was ghosting rather than giving space as DH messaged asking to do mutual activities together and called a few times but no reply each time. Just before ghosting, DH asked his friend to do a certain activity together and the friend said he couldn't but DH found out he went and did it with mutual friends just didn't want DH there. It's horrible.

@chillibop thank you for your perspective, it's always good to see things from other perspectives.

It ended up not being our only loss and next time we were a lot more careful with who to tell. I am pregnant now again (and very anxious) and when I feel ready to announce, I'll definitely message my friend who is struggling to conceive before making it public. It seems like a standard way to do it but also totally get that different people see things differently. I think if you send a heartfelt message, nobody would be offended you tell them separately though.

Also, I am not holding anger over anyone's happiness. I am sad that people can bin you in two minutes because you had a loss and suddenly you are too inconvenient for them.
The thread is not about me though so I will stop right here.

Agree with texting. I know you're already doing that, but wanted to second that idea

And congrats to you

@usedtolovenaps

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I know it's the most anxious time and I'm so sorry for your previous losses. Your friend does sound like he ghosted after your second post and it's nothing short of shitty behaviour. That is very clearly different to giving you space and I'm sorry if I maybe said the wrong thing and assumed he was giving you space. Everybody deals with things in a different way and I agree with you, a polite message I don't think can really be perceived in any other way. Personal preference of course but any message like that would be sent with a lot of thought behind it.

Tell people when you're ready. This is your baby and you do things on your terms. I wish you a happy & healthy pregnancy after your losses. It's so hard to get excited but day by day, it slowly starts to get easier!

100% text so she can be upset / disappointed and get those emotions out the way and process them. She will be happy for you just sad for herself. I would add in the message when you plan to tell the rest of the family so she’s prepared and also add that she doesn’t need to reply, no pressure to respond.

@usedtolovenaps

'Also, believe me you can't understand this pain unless you have been through it. And from your message I can see you haven't.'

It took me 4 years and multiple losses and thousands on IVF to have my daughter. I have also had one loss since having her.

Please don't be so assuming, it's offensive. Just because people have a different perspective, it doesn't mean they don't understand the shear pain and utter heartbreak of loosing a baby and infertility. I was purely offering a different point of view, as PP, I've been on both sides of the coin.