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Original poster

Mum on holiday when I'm due / to be upset

63 replies

lockdownmummax · 23/12/2022 14:55

spent most of the day crying over this :( fear of going through labour alone,

So my official due date is 6th January, my baby is measuring big so my consultant is giving me a sweep on the 30th and if that doesn't work they want me in for an induction, fine by me

I asked my mum to be my birthing partner a couple months ago, she agree'd and it was planned my dad would watch my toddler whilst I gave birth and my mum would come to my birth!
about a month ago I was informed they where going on a cabin holiday for 5 days over new year ( starting the 30th ) I was quite upset as it wasn't my mum that told me it was my dad, my mum never mentioned she may not be able to attend the birth or anything, I felt quite upset due to this as I've mentioned to my mum I have a fear of dying during childbirth and would feel more comfortable with my mum being there too, my partner is great and really supportive but he nesrkt fainted when I was getting my bloods done,

Anyway, I am having a sweep on the 30th, my mums away on holiday, there will be heavy drinking on the holiday so coming back if I need them wouldn't be an option, my papa offered to step in but once I told him the date he said he was going to his partners for new year and I should take my toddler to the hospital with me

I have the absolute fear of giving birth alone if my partner has to stay home with my toddler and I'm feeling really upset st my mum j feel she has really let me down and goes about it like it's nothing " ie agreeing to be my birthing partner and not telling me she may not be able to as she's on holiday " I've cried most of the day :(

My partners mum can help out however she works in the hospital and is working all through Christmas, she said she will keep her phone on and leave straight away however she lives far away and isn't confident in driving to our house so will have to wait on someone coming in the car with her ( she doesn't know how to use Google maps ect ) I am very thankful she can come to help us but also anxious she may not get here on time
should I approach my mum about this? I have just ignored her last message

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Soothsayer1 · 23/12/2022 18:16

I feel if I approach her to tell her I'm upset it will turn into an argument and I'll be the bad guy
she doesnt sound like the right person to be with you when you are at your most raw and vulnerable, I think it's a bullet dodged.
From now on I'd treat her like she treats you....as if she were a distant relative

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 23/12/2022 18:22

Well then, under the circumstances, @lockdownmummax , I am not surprised you feel let down and upset. Facing labour after birth trauma is hard stuff. Sending you very best wishes.

NoelNoNoel · 23/12/2022 18:27

I would prioritise energy into trying to source childcare so your DH can be with your than towards your DM or lack of DM.

iloveorange · 23/12/2022 18:47

You have reason to be upset, this is really disappointing and hurtful. Ignore the 'you're grown woman', 'this is not your first baby', 'your mother has a life' comments. Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable experiences anyone can go through, even when things go well. It's hard, it can be very long and draining, and of course it can get stressful and scary. Women have historically done this with the support of other women, likely sisters and mothers.

Your mother has chosen not to support you so that she can go on holiday. Wtf.

shimmeringspice · 23/12/2022 19:42

glasshole · 23/12/2022 15:07

My DD has just given birth for the second time and she was really unhappy that we had plans that happened to coincide with her giving birth etc. I say this as gently as possible, this is YOUR baby. Not your mums or dads. They have done their part in raising you. Why not consider a home birth? From what I understand most hospitals are running really behind on inductins too due to staff shortages etc so you could very well go over due. It's a little unfair to expect other Pele to put their lives on hold. You could look into hiring a doula? A paid for baby sitting service for the toddler? There really are lots of options.

Thank God you are not my mother! How awful.

MamboJamboWambo · 23/12/2022 19:44

glasshole · 23/12/2022 15:07

My DD has just given birth for the second time and she was really unhappy that we had plans that happened to coincide with her giving birth etc. I say this as gently as possible, this is YOUR baby. Not your mums or dads. They have done their part in raising you. Why not consider a home birth? From what I understand most hospitals are running really behind on inductins too due to staff shortages etc so you could very well go over due. It's a little unfair to expect other Pele to put their lives on hold. You could look into hiring a doula? A paid for baby sitting service for the toddler? There really are lots of options.

No! The "your baby" motto absolutely doesn't apply in this scenario. This is her daughter, who asked her to be there for her. OP hasn't lumped her mum with her baby whilst she goes to a bar. She has had a traumatic birth, her partner might not be able to cope with parts of the birth it is absolutely not unreasonable to have asked her Mum for support and expected her to have been able to not go on holiday for those 4 weeks of the entire year!!

Raindancer411 · 23/12/2022 19:59

That is bad of her to let you down and not say anything. I had a good friend come with me, can you do the same? My husband then had our eldest whilst I went in with my friend..

RambamThankyouMam · 23/12/2022 20:11

glasshole · 23/12/2022 15:07

My DD has just given birth for the second time and she was really unhappy that we had plans that happened to coincide with her giving birth etc. I say this as gently as possible, this is YOUR baby. Not your mums or dads. They have done their part in raising you. Why not consider a home birth? From what I understand most hospitals are running really behind on inductins too due to staff shortages etc so you could very well go over due. It's a little unfair to expect other Pele to put their lives on hold. You could look into hiring a doula? A paid for baby sitting service for the toddler? There really are lots of options.

Why wouldn't you be there for your daughter? That's really shit.

PurplePixies · 23/12/2022 20:56

I think YABU.

You're a grown woman with one child already. Surely, you're not still relying on your mum to hold your hand?

My parents died years before I met DH or had kids so I've always just got on with stuff without a fuss.

I find it really odd the way some women still expect their mums to drop everything to look after them. Surely, she's entitled to put her own needs first and live her life without having to check in with you?

saraclara · 23/12/2022 21:22

PurplePixies · 23/12/2022 20:56

I think YABU.

You're a grown woman with one child already. Surely, you're not still relying on your mum to hold your hand?

My parents died years before I met DH or had kids so I've always just got on with stuff without a fuss.

I find it really odd the way some women still expect their mums to drop everything to look after them. Surely, she's entitled to put her own needs first and live her life without having to check in with you?

Anyone who offers to provide help at a specific and important time, when asked months in advance, has made a commitment which they should stick to outside emergencies, or give a very decent amount of notice.

In this case both DM (being the birth partner) and DF (who was probably even more important as he was relied on to look after the toddler to release DP) had made a commitment. It happened to be to their daughter, but it could have been anyone and they should still have stuck to it.

The only difference is that it hurts a lot more for a daughter to realise that they, her own parents, don't see it as an important event that they had two important roles in.

I also had no DPs or PILs who could help when I gave birth to DC2, and yes I got on with it. But it was very difficult and stressful and I was very happy as a DGM that I could make it easier my daughter when it was her turn and look after DGD1 I wouldn't have dreamed of letting her down.

K37529 · 23/12/2022 23:38

I can't believe your mum would do that to you how selfish 😓 I couldnt imagine leaving my daughter at the time she needs me the most, can't believe someone on here agrees with your mother's decision, yes you decided to have the baby but you are her baby and she should be there for you. How someone can prioritize a holiday above the birth of their grandchild is beyond me. Glad you have your mil she sounds very supportive, hope all goes well 💞

LBFseBrom · 24/12/2022 02:18

The op's parents are wrong to go back on a commitment and their reason is frivolous. I do not, however, understand why so many people want their mothers with them when giving birth. It wouldn't have occurred to me to have my mum there; my husband was present to give me encouragement, and two midwives, which was quite sufficient. Apart from anything else my husband drove us to hospital just after 4am when most of the world was sleeping. The grandparents from both sides came along to the hospital later to see me and my baby and they helped out when when we came home the next day which was much appreciated.

JackRosenberg · 24/12/2022 04:02

lockdownmummax · 23/12/2022 16:22

@HiccupHorrendousHaddock
Yes I had a traumatic labour with my first child , I've been really anxious around child birth this full pregnancy due to my last experience, I am also a high risk pregnancy and have a brain condition so it's quite scary for me
I gave birth to my first child during covid and wasn't aloud birthing partners so I was feeling really releaved and relaxed my partner and especially my mum would be there as I told my mum all my worries she's also had 3 kids so would have just felt more comfortable with her there

This is awful. I would be there in a heartbeat for a friend who needed a birth partner even without any of the risks and trauma you have going on. I completely understand why you are hurt.

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