Mum on holiday when I'm due / to be upset

[lockdownmummax]

spent most of the day crying over this :( fear of going through labour alone,

So my official due date is 6th January, my baby is measuring big so my consultant is giving me a sweep on the 30th and if that doesn't work they want me in for an induction, fine by me

I asked my mum to be my birthing partner a couple months ago, she agree'd and it was planned my dad would watch my toddler whilst I gave birth and my mum would come to my birth!
about a month ago I was informed they where going on a cabin holiday for 5 days over new year ( starting the 30th ) I was quite upset as it wasn't my mum that told me it was my dad, my mum never mentioned she may not be able to attend the birth or anything, I felt quite upset due to this as I've mentioned to my mum I have a fear of dying during childbirth and would feel more comfortable with my mum being there too, my partner is great and really supportive but he nesrkt fainted when I was getting my bloods done,

Anyway, I am having a sweep on the 30th, my mums away on holiday, there will be heavy drinking on the holiday so coming back if I need them wouldn't be an option, my papa offered to step in but once I told him the date he said he was going to his partners for new year and I should take my toddler to the hospital with me

I have the absolute fear of giving birth alone if my partner has to stay home with my toddler and I'm feeling really upset st my mum j feel she has really let me down and goes about it like it's nothing " ie agreeing to be my birthing partner and not telling me she may not be able to as she's on holiday " I've cried most of the day :(

My partners mum can help out however she works in the hospital and is working all through Christmas, she said she will keep her phone on and leave straight away however she lives far away and isn't confident in driving to our house so will have to wait on someone coming in the car with her ( she doesn't know how to use Google maps ect ) I am very thankful she can come to help us but also anxious she may not get here on time
should I approach my mum about this? I have just ignored her last message

@oakleaffy
My partner is great but he may not be able to be there due to my mum and dad gojng away and my dad was gojng to watch my toddler
I know the risk of dying during childbirth is low but I have bad anxiety surrounding it due to being a high risk pregnant and a very traumatic birth with my toddler

It's probably OK if you have a straightforward birth but if you don't...I never understood my mum's thinking and it altered our relationship for along time.

Glad you’re not my mother. It’s not like op has asked for help with the weekly food shop.

@HiccupHorrendousHaddock
Yes I had a traumatic labour with my first child , I've been really anxious around child birth this full pregnancy due to my last experience, I am also a high risk pregnancy and have a brain condition so it's quite scary for me
I gave birth to my first child during covid and wasn't aloud birthing partners so I was feeling really releaved and relaxed my partner and especially my mum would be there as I told my mum all my worries she's also had 3 kids so would have just felt more comfortable with her there

Yes but sometimes you need your mum!! Not a stranger.

I’m sorry, OP, I think that’s mean of your mum, as she’d offered to be your birth partner
I think she should have been either declined your request in the first place (fair enough, if she was honest and upfront), or stuck to her offer 🌸

A bit harsh, it may not be their baby but her mum already agreed to be her birthing partner so why didn't she mention the holiday or book for a different date. Or decline to be a birthing partner. Agreeing to do it then OP finding out a couple of weeks before her due date that she is likely to not be available is pretty shitty.
As for your daughter, I'm not surprised she was unhappy but as long as she knew the plans were made and wasn't expecting you to help and then let down at the last minute, it's a bit of a different situation.

I understand your feelings and I'm sorry.
My mother left the country for 10 days on a work trip after my first (traumatic emergency c-section)
She went abroad for 6 weeks with her sister a week after my second was born (another C-section)
The day my third was born she went to another city to visit the wake house of her sister in law's father. I got a five minute visit in recovery

It saddens me that she feels I'm not important enough to help or support. My sister lives in another country and she stayed with her for both the births.

Absolutely speak to her if you think it'll make a difference. I didn't because it would have caused a row.

Op I completely sympathise, and I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this extra unneeded stress. My dm did the exact same to me, not as close to the due date as yours, but when I was pregnant with dc2. She announced she was going away with her fiance when I was 37 weeks, she was supposed to be looking after dc1 while dh came to the hospital. She could have gone anytime as they're both retired, and had already been away a few weeks earlier. She said it was 3 weeks from my due date so would be fine. I told her I didn't want her to go incase baby came early, i had a funny feeling as had encountered afew complications in the pregnancy. I ended up having to be induced at 36 +6 and baby born at 37 weeks. If she had gone dh would have missed the birth. You just never know what will happen.
I would have a word with your dm and explain you're not comfortable for her to go, it is just too risky.

Your parents sound really selfish! Are t they a bit old to be heavy drinking in a cabin? Surely they knew that babies come early sometimes? And why can't your grandad take the toddler to his partner's? Have you confronted your parents? I can't believe they haven't offered to rearrange their plans. Causing you stress like this is unacceptable at this stage in pregnancy.

Could your MIL get a taxi to yours? That would mean she'd get there faster and you wouldn't worry about her waiting for help with the car. Or could she take a day off on the 30th/31st? There's a good reason. She sounds like the only reliable one.

I would also consider skipping the sweep if they'd let you and just be induced. At least then you will know you'd be in hospital from a given day and be able to get childcare, The sweep may or may not work so there's uncertainty on the 30th/31st and I assume you'll be at home waiting. The induction means you are in hospital and are coming out with a baby.

Good luck and I'm sorry your family have let you down.

You sound awful. You'd make a commitment to be your dds birthing partner then pull out at the last minute to go on holiday and not even tell her? Leave your DH to tell her? Glad you weren't my mum.

@glasshole the point is that her parents SAID that they would take her toddler and that the mum would be her birth partner. We they've now booked a holiday with seemingly no consideration that babies come early sometimes. Withdrawing this at the very last minute is really thoughtless.

My fear of what to do with my toddler whilst I had my second was worse than birth. It's really stressful!

She's not asking them to bring up her kids. She's asking for some help and support while she has a baby. I'm glad you aren't my parent! And where's she supposed to get a doula with a week to go (that's if she had the means to get one).

There's no way my mum was going anywhere for the birth of her first grandchild! She was a Feb baby and my parents usually go away in Jan but that year they didn't just in case. They also came to look after my first daughter when I went in to have my second.

Of course no one's parents are obliged to help out or be around but I think it's sad when they don't want to. There are plenty of other weeks and months of the year to go on holidays surely?

And @glasshole maybe have a think about why your daughter was upset. I suspect your attitude on here says a lot about it. I hope if either of my daughters gives birth in future I'll be able to help them out as much as I can.

I can see how you feel let down by your Mum, She's dropped this on you last minute when she must have known for ages.
Do you have a best friend who'd take your Ds?
We had planned my best friend to have our 3 year old when I had baby number 2. But he came three weeks early and she wasn't home, so Dh's best friend took Ds home with him and tucked him in on the couch for the night His wife was surprised to see him there in the morning. But it worked out. Dh picked him up the next day and my friend held onto him for us for the day, till I was discharged.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments,
I have felt pretty rubbish today and had a nap to get away from everything,

I think why I'm upset at my mum is because I relied on her, everything was agree'd and I felt much better about the birth experience knowing my mum would be there, my partner was always gojng to be there but he is not good with medical settings at all! he is great and supportive he comes to all maternity appointments but I have to comfort him if I'm getting my bloods done he goes white and looks like he's going to pass out, I don't have a grudge against this I'm a student nurse and actually really feel for people who struggle with things like this but during birth I just wanted my mum there too, I had a traumatic birth with my first child and it was during covid so I wasn't aloud anyone in with me it was a really terrible experience

we have spoke to my partners mum and made other arrangements, she is more than happy to come through , she's having to take time off her work ( she had no holidays left this was the problem and distance ) but she's going to just call in sick as an emergency so I feel much more calmer now knowing my partner will be there and my toddler will be in good hands
I'm still really hurt at my mum for letting me down like this but I feel if I approach her to tell her I'm upset it will turn into an argument and I'll be the bad guy so I'm not going to mention it to her but really feel like distancing myself from her now as it has really hurt me
Thank you everyone for your advice ! X

She’ll be back before your due date. Has their been cross wires as you only asked her to be a second birth partner? Was the holiday booked before you asked?

@BungleandGeorge
no the holiday was only booked recently about the start of the month I'm sure, I had asked my mum about being my birthing partner months and months ago
I am a high risk pregnancy , my first I was induced early at 38 weeks and now they want to give me a sweep at 39 weeks and an induction if that doesn't work due to the baby growing big so her holiday will most likely fall on a day im in labour ,

I totally get why you're upset and it's v flaky of your mum. Do you have a good friend who could step in?

My DD was really pissed with me when I went to Poland for 4 days, 3 weeks ahead of her due date and I wasn't even her birthing partner so YADNU. Good luck with the birth x

I'm not surprised you feel hurt and let down, she has let you down, badly! As a mum I will ALWAYS be there for my kids if/when they need/want me, that's what mum's (should) do.

I'm glad you've found a solution that you're comfortable with. If you don't feel like it's the right time to speak to your mum about it now then wait until after baby is born but you should definitley tell her how you feel otherwise resentment will grow and it'll impact your relationship with her.

OP, I can understand that you're upset but on the other hand, you are a grown woman, a mother and you have a dp to support you.

Expecting your mum to be at your beck and call is not really fair. She has a life of her own too. She's arranged to be back on the 4th and your due date is the 6th.

If you need more support than your dp and mil can provide, you could ask a friend to look after your toddler so your dp can be your birth partner.

It's really crap of your mum to agree to be your birthing partner - then booking a holiday around your due date. She's really let you down there.

Yep. Even for my DD's first birth, I made sure that my travel plans ensured that I was at home for the four weeks around the birth (and I wasn't a birthing partner). I was on childcare duty for when #2 came along, and any commitments even close to home, were made with the condition that I might be needed by my DD and have to flake.

I have no idea what your mum was thinking, OP. I'm glad your MIL is stepping in.

She is probably aware that she's a grown woman, being heavily pregnant. She's probably also aware that babies have no respect for due dates and her mother will know this too.

I asked my mum to be my birthing partner a couple months ago, she agree'd and it was planned my dad would watch my toddler whilst I gave birth and my mum would come to my birth!
I'm so sorry OP, this is her showing you who she really is and what her priorities are, it must be very painful for you to come to terms with....but now you know, I would say dont ever put your trust in her again, keep the relationship superficial...like she is!
To casually let you down over something so important is awful😟

I wouldn't be having an induction for a big baby because the evidence for it is very weak. For me, the risks of induction of labour are far more dangerous than the risks of a supposedly 'big' baby. Im sure the consultant scared you silly with the risks of shoulder dystocia and death so I understand why you're so scared. I urge you to look at some evidence yourself. Doctor Sara Wickham is a good place to start.

Your mum is being really unfair, I'd be upset about this too. But you've written this thread before you've even spoken to her.
Communication is key here, you only have half the story so far.

Wishing you all the best.