Struggling with Twin News

[AmyB1993]

Found out end of October that I was pregnant and was super excited. I found out a few weeks ago that I am expecting non identical twins and since then I have felt completely numb and nothing but sadness.
I didn’t want twins, I still don’t want twins and the news has honestly shocked me so much. I’ve suffered since 5 weeks with HG and I had to go into hospital on Friday to be put on an IV drip so I’m already really fed up and the news of twins has just made everything 10x worse.
I know it sounds so awful because there are so many people who struggle to get pregnant or can’t get pregnant and I’m beating myself up for feeling the way that I do but I honestly can’t shake the sadness.
it doesn’t help that my husband, and the family that we have told are super excited about it. I just can’t help worry about finances, space, being able to cope, having to give up my job completely as not being able to afford double childcare costs. It’s all too much along with the HG and I just don’t know what to do ☹️ I don’t really know what my point was for posting to be honest, just feel so lost and on my own when no one else around me shares my concerns.

The same happened with me when I found out I was carrying twins. After some time it finally did settle, but I took a very long time, till about late 20weeks.
You can and will manage. You will get over the shock, just take it easy and let your feelings happen and process.

I'm sorry you're struggling. I would say, pls don't default to giving up your job, the children are half your husband's responsibility so he could also give up his job or you both go part time. And maybe look into a Nanny, might be cheaper than two sets of nursery fees.

I don’t know if this will help but when I was pregnant with DD I wanted it to be twins so I could have my two children but only one pregnancy! All the twins I know are very close and an amazing forever friend to the other. The mums all say it was hard work at first, but easier a couple of years down the line when they have a playmate and sibling they can share clothes/toys etc with.

Financially I have no idea what your specific situation is but a childminder might be a cheaper option. Hopefully somebody will be along with twin experience!

How far along are you?

I can't give a personal recommendation as I didn't have twins but the Twins Trust or one of the other support groups for twins and triplets might be helpful, figuring out how life is going to be.

twinstrust.org/

Also congratulations OP. Hopefully the HG will pass soon and you will feel better.
Just make sure you keep a record of all those family members who are so excited to call on when you need them.

its a terrifying prospect, but in the long run, they’ll be easier. One maternity leave only needed, same age/stage so easier to deal with (when a bit older)

I was gutted when I found out it was twins, I was terrified at the prospect! It’s a perfectly normal reaction but it will pass. My twins are 9 now and are inseparable. I love being a twin Mum 😊

You don’t have to go ahead with this pregnancy. It is okay to feel the way you do and your fears are valid ones, even without taking the HG into account.

I’m not saying that termination or even trying for selective reduction would be easy options, of course not.

But this is your body.

I have twins, and had DC already. It was a planned pregnancy but I planned for one baby.

I remember thinking that people don’t understand that a twin pregnancy has the same effects as a unplanned pregnancy.

Plus all the “Oh wow, your so lucky, twins, so cute, you’ll be fine!!!” That I heard people say just minimised all of it.

This is your body and your life.

I spent the last few months of my pregnancy in hospital (fraternal twins but I had health caused by twin pregnancy). I made friends with other pregnant twin mums who were also in with various complications.

My twins are 11 now. I love them so much, of course I do.

But, I knew for years afterwards that if I could reverse time I would change my decision to try for another baby, knowing the risk it could be twins. My physical and mental health were destroyed. My marriage ended (divorce statistics for twin parents are higher than for any other parenting combination) which was actually a good thing, as the pressure really showed ex-DH up for how selfish he was.

You will cope, if you go ahead, of course you will and you will love them more than you can imagine. Your DH will hopefully really share the load - because he will need to, regardless of whether he is working or not.

But your “super excited” family need to think about seriously stepping up to help you - and that means things like taking the babies two at a time to give you a break, even overnight, not just cherry picking the “cute for photos” parts but then saying that “looking after two at once” is too much for them to cope with (clearly remembering my own family at this point!)

Please don't give up your job if you don't actually want to!

I was also not super excited about having twins, and I won’t sugar coat the first few years - until they are about 3 it is hard. During those years (especially the fist year) I felt moments of grief for never having the baby experience I had expected, as the physical limitations of getting around with two infants made everything harder and i was just always tired.

BUT when they hit 3 it all flipped for me, and having 2 became easier than 1 because they start to entertain each other. It is also way easier than having 2 at different developmental stages. School drop offs are a breeze, only one party to organise, no juggling different extracurricular schedules (for now), the same homework and school schedule, get by with half as many toys because they have always had to share, and I don’t have to hang on to old toys or clothes. The way I think of it, I front-loaded a lot of the stress of motherhood .

the absolutely best bit, though is the relationship they have - there is the occasional argument, but mostly they are each other’s best friend and primary support.

Perhaps you will get some help with your childcare costs if you have two lots of nursery fees?
You could have a look and try and see what help you might get
www.entitledto.co.uk/

I was terrified when I found out I was having my twins but they are so amazing. I love watching their relationship. They share an incredible bond, sure they fight like cats and dogs but they love each other to bits

Have you got kids already that's adding to you feeling like this OP?

Thanks for all your replies.

My husband earns a lot more than I do and therefore him working full time is a lot more beneficial to us than us both working part time.
we don’t have any other children but neither have grown up around young babies or have any experience with babies and that’s what frightened me. Having two lives in our hands when we have 0 experience is just not what I wanted.
I had this idea in my head as to how my pregnancy and life was going to be but with HG and twins, it’s the complete opposite! I’m petrified and because of that, I can’t get excited about this pregnancy.

I was horrified to be pregnant with twins and did not enjoy my pregnancy much, but they are THE BEST THING EVER. Wonderful friends at 4yo now, sociable, sharing, confident. You will be surprised, I think.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry the panics have settled in. I have two sets of twins. I didn't have those feelings with the first fraternal set because I was too busy chasing around a 1.5 year old. But the second set I clearly remember feeling exactly the same way. It will pass. Things will be fine and soon you will be enjoying watching them grown up together but still developing their own personalities!

If it helps, that image you had in your head of just having one baby and how that would be is very likely to have taken into account how hard that would be. It's hard. One, two, three. Hard. But you can do it.

You've already learned through HG that idealising the parental journey in your head probably wasn't helping much. The truth is a lot of it is grim. But don't compare to scenarios that have never happened, that will drive you potty.

Quick comment- a third of identical twins have separate placentas and even medics don’t seem
to know this half the time so unless they’re boy/girl or you’ve had genetic testing they might still be identical.

I won’t lie- twins is really hard in the baby stage. Prioritise your sleep. Don’t compare yourself to mums with singletons (or even a baby and a toddler), it isn’t the same. But it is lovely when they play together when they’re a bit older.

Hi, congratulations. I'm a twin mum and had exactly the same feelings as you after the scan. I was terrified and in denial up until they were in my arms.

Don't feel guilty about the fact that it's a shocking curveball. It is. And anyone who has ever had a twin scan has had your feelings.

Oops posted too soon.

It's difficult but some single babies can be more difficult than 2 easy babies.

People will single babies will tell you how hard it's going to be 🙄. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Twins were our first babies. They're nearly 5 and we are smug while our friends are thinking about baby no.2 etc. now they are both in school we can concentrate on our jobs.

The time passes so quickly. And you will feel like the rockstar you are.

I felt the same, I felt that my life as I planned it was over, I already had a child and definitely didn’t want 3 children, if someone could have magicked one away I’d have done it. I was so sick I was hospitalised and lost so much weight I was bones and babies. At about 20 weeks I had a scare and only at that point did I bond with my babies, I became a twin expert and was ready to get ready for them.
it’s busy but so special having twins, mine are teenagers and look out for each other all the time but it is ok to feel how you do now, it’s a lot to take in x

I was the exact same when I found out. Cried my eyes out yet people were so thrilled for us. Inevitably it’s going to be a lot of work but it’s SOOOOO worth it!

right up to me going into hospital for my ceasarian I just couldn’t be bothered bringing another two children into the world. We were already sleep deprived and exhausted from my kamikaze 11 month old (just on his feet) toddler so we knew what was to come times two and I could see it far enough. Then there was the finances and all of that.

but it is incredibly worth it.

Huge congrats

Too add contact twins trust. It does change your life but for a small amount of time before they go to school. It's made me 100 times more determined.