Dealing with Gender Disappointment

[WizzardMum22]

Hello, I am a mum to my darling DS who is 3.5. I am pregnant with number 2 and have found out it will be another DS.

i first want to start with I am so grateful to be pregnant again as it took us 18 months of trying with number 2 but I am slightly disappointed we aren’t having a DD. I have such a beautiful relationship with my own mum I really wanted to experience that mother/daughter bond for my self as a mum.

Will these feeling fade? I know I will love the baby with everything I have like I do my first DS but I feel ashamed for being disappointed but it’s how I feel.

Any advice would be appreciated xx

I felt like this OP! I think mostly it was the stereotype of women being closer to their mums than men, but then surely isn't that just more gendered bullshit becoming self fulfilling? Anyway I have my lovely 14 month old now and I love him more than anything. My partner is one of 3 boys so I reckon if we had another it would be another boy too! Congratulations x

I think this is pretty normal. I would feel the same in your shoes. I’m sure you will adore him when he arrives

It’s about shared experiences women and daughters are more likely to have (not guaranteed) than women with their sons. Choosing a wedding dress. Being at the birth of a child. Obviously there is no guarantee that any mother will have these with a daughter, but more likely than with a daughter-in-law. I am very close to my DS, more so than to my DD, but I recognise that as he becomes an adult, I will have a changing relationship with him and of course his wife won’t want me to be at the birth of my grandchildren etc. You only have to look at the MiL threads on MN to see why women feel sad about only having sons and I don’t think we should judge them for it. It’s not about wanting to buy dresses and dolls, it’s about the adult relationships in the future I think.

I have such a beautiful relationship with my own mum I really wanted to experience that mother/daughter bond for my self as a mum.

That’s a huge amount of pressure to put on a child and on a relationship. I was my mum’s dreamed-of daughter after 2 sons, and I’m aware I’ve always been a bit of a let-down as we have very different characters. I love her dearly and I know she loves me, but I’m not (and can’t be) the feminine, homebird, best friend she hoped for.

I have 2 DS. You become an expert at boys! They are very affectionate. They are my angels and I wouldn't change them. I think you'll feel the same once he's here. The only time I ever notice it really is when DH and the DSs are discussing Transformers or Star Wars and I think, who will I discuss Anne of Green Gables and Jane Eyre with?? Honestly life is just so full and busy it isn't something you'll think about day to day.

Also, I had a good relationship with my Mum but she didn't help me choose a wedding dress and she wasn't at the birth of my children!

Have you told your son he's getting a baby brother? I know it's not always the case as they can hate each other, but often same sex sibling relationships can be so lovely.

I wouldn't say I had gender disappointment but I definitely had gender mourning with each of mine. I felt disappointed that I'd never meet the imagined opposite child that I'd dreamt up.

I have one of each and my son is much more how I'd imagined a daughter to be and vice versa. I can't imagine not being as close to him as I am to her. My DD is very keen to enforce a 'girl's club' and be my best pal but my DS is my tiny mate and protector and will 'tell off' anyone he sees as slighting me (they are 4 and 1). I feel like relationships are so much more based on personality than gender. We were very close to my paternal grandmother and my mum is very close with my brothers (ironically, less so with me because she freely admits she sees me as competition).

For me, I felt like I was already being restricted by the amount of children I COULD have vs how many I'd want (age and finances) and probably wouldn't have felt that way if I could have had 4 or 5 kids.

It's totally normal to mourn and doesn't mean you love this ds any less.

This isn’t just any boy, this is YOUR boy, OP. I had gender desire with both my pregnancies (I think most do but it’s not “cool” to admit to it, it seems). I did get one of each in the end and was utterly astonished when I one day sat down and realised I’m so much closer and can relate so much better with my son than my daughter. We get along better, we have more things in common, we share jokes and laugh at the same things. I love my children equally but it truly has nothing to do with what’s between their legs. I’m confident you will feel the same. Growing up, my mum admitted she was over the moon when she finally got her girl after two boys, only to discover I am wildly different from her and she has more in common with her son. And then I moved abroad, whereas my two brothers stayed ten minutes from the parental home.

Life has no guarantees.

@Tygertiger

Uh speak for yourself, I didn't want any of my family at the birth apart from my dh.
I have 2 sisters and not particularly close with either of them or my mum.

I grew up with a sister and a girl cousin, my friends that had children when my daughter was born all had girls and I had a girl first so could not imagine having sons. I now have 1 girl and 2 boys who I love equally. The boys are best mates and adore each other, and tbh I find them a lot less 'complicated' and dramatic than my daughter and much more loving and complimentary towards me. It's lovely to experience having both genders but it's also great to have two that are the same gender.

I can 100% say that I have never worshipped the ground any of my kids walked on 😁. I do love them though. I have 2 adult sons and one adult daughter and the relationships are different. It wasn’t until a shared family holiday that I realised just how much like two peas in a pod my DD and I are, it was fab. So I get it. However, my neighbours’ two AS are super- close to their mum

I do love them though. I have 2 adult sons and one adult daughter and the relationships are different. It wasn’t until a shared family holiday that I realised just how much like two peas in a pod my DD and I are, it was fab. So I get it. However, my neighbours’ two AS are super- close to their mu

What is wrong with you? The previous poster wrote a lovely reply and you have to try to diminish it? Do you not think before you write? It's exactly posts like this that unnecessarily exasperate things like gender disappointment, and posters like you relish in it!

Thank you. I adore my sons and yes, I absolutely worship the ground they walk on. I'm incredibly proud of them as the OP will be of her sons. I love their girlfriends too.

Thank you for all your replies.

they really are comforting (most of them anyway) and I know these feelings will pass, just sometimes you feel like you can’t say these things out loud.

in regards to my relationship with my own mum- I know it’s not guaranteed to have the same if I had my own daughter! I think it’s natural to yearn for one of each.

My baby is already so loved and I cannot wait to meet them, I think knowing this will be my last pregnancy (financially we couldn’t afford more) just makes you yearn for the unknown!

Thank you to the kind posters for validating my feelings and reassuring me this will pass!
x

Interesting point previous poster made, I too would guess gender disappointment was less when people had more babies - probably because it would’ve been quite unusual to have 5 of the same, so they knew they’d probably have one of their desired gender at some point. Whereas now when people only have 1-2 kids, theres more scope to miss that experience if you see what I mean. Anyway OP don’t make anyone make you feel bad, there’s a world of difference between a ‘hypothetical’ baby that hasn’t been born yet and your lovely son, just feel the feelings and they will pass!

I had 2 DS, 25 years ago
I was disappointed when ds2 was born that the baby wasn’t a girl (no sex scan so sex was surprise at c-section). However, within minutes my son was my son and I never regretted having him.
for about 2 years we thought about continuing our plan for 3 kids and hoped it would be a daughter. But we had to drop the idea of 3 when things got financially sticky for us.

I still wonder occasionally what having a daughter would have been like - especially as I lost my own mum early ( only just 30 myself). I ended up with a difficult dad and no mum, brothers and no sisters, sons and no daughter, male bosses all through my career . It felt like everyone around me was male and viewed me through that prism- not getting stuff like the sheer domestic mental load, remembering the little things with the kids and all the stuff that comes with being a woman.

id say my sons aren’t very good at staying in close communication ( they both live 200 miles away due to where jobs are). But they will chat if I call, text them and make efforts for me. They’ll come to visit when they can- but I have to recognise they’re working and haven’t unlimited free time,. I don’t know how much closer a daughter would be -when I graduated I didn’t live near home either and moved all over the country for work.

what has happened though, as I’ve got older, my niece has grown up, my sons and nephew have partners and I enjoy the company of all these young women when I see them. My niece now lives quite close and I have become quite close to her, which is lovely. I make a lot of effort these days finding and nurturing my female friendships now to fill that missing hole and redress the balance of my male dominated close relations.

Another point to add to this discussion. If you don't find out the sex in advance you don't have all this. We didn't know either of our DS's sexes beforehand. If you're the kind of person who wants to know the sex maybe you're also the kind of person who'll be disappointed with the news. I think if the day your baby is born is the day you find out the sex then you just can't be disappointed because you have this little person handed to you who's just perfect.

It's cultural and societal. If you lived in China or India you'd be delighted!

I think it's normal to feel sad. When we have an idea in our heads and that idea changes it can take a little while to come round.

Give it time OP. Congratulations 💐

I experienced gender disappointment with my DS. In my case it had to do with past trauma that I had not expected to surface in that way. It's hard to talk about when you're experiencing it because people like to be judgy and tell you how despicable and shallow you are etc etc.

All I can tell you is that the moment I clapped eyes on my baby boy I was just utterly smitten and wouldn't change him for the world. All my worries melted away and I can't imagine life without him. He's every bit as perfect and special as his sisters and our family wouldn't be the same without him.

This! 👏🏻
You nailed the feelings for me.
I’m the only one in three generations to have a boy and what you mention is what got to me.
I’d never be picking out a wedding dress with her, my partner would never walk her down the isle, we would never be at the birth of our grandchild and I’m sorry but I don’t know many boys who call their mum like I do 😂 or go out partying with her.
I just felt like I wouldn’t get to share things with my child the rest of my family do with theirs being girls.
I’m obviously so so happy that it looks like so far we are carrying a healthy baby and I wouldn’t change him for the world already.
I also know I will love him no less than I’d have loved a DD but I think it’s ok to be honest about your feelings your not a bad person for that.

Aw I know how you feel OP. Yes, the feeling should fade as your baby gets more real. Try to remember you're having a baby who will be their own little person, not a 'boy' or 'girl.' And think about how nice it will be that your DS can have a little brother. DP has a brother with about the same age difference and they've always had the same friend group and been incredibly close.

If it helps rationalise OP, my DH speaks to his Mum at least every other day on the phone and texts her every day, several times a day. She's in another country 2 flights away but he's seen her 3 times this year, with another trip planned for Spring.

I exchange polite but fairly meaningless texts with my Mum once a week or so, speak on the phone never. Last saw her in October, will see her again in September next year. She's one short flight away from us.

A daughter doesn't guarantee a close relationship!

I mean, I bought my wedding dress alone and I can't think of many people I'd have liked LESS at the birth of my children than my mum. My dad, on the other hand, I'd have taken to both.

My gorgeous MIL has four sons and no daughters. She speaks to them all every day, and she and I are incredibly close - I really value her opinion and love spending time with her.

So don't despair. It's so much more about the characters involved than it is them being male or female.