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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Worried about being judged

38 replies

sianlouise1998 · 09/12/2022 21:26

Advise please!

Me and my partner are 25 years old. My partner has a good job with a good salary, we’ve been together for 7 years and brought our first house together last year.

He desperately wants to have children and so do I. The only thing holding me back is I’m worried for being judged, I keep thinking I am ‘too young’ to have a baby and that I will get judged for it. Am I being stupid?

Another thing is, I started a new job 4 months ago after leaving a role I had been in for 6 years. How long should I leave it before getting pregnant? I am also worried my new employer will be annoyed if I go off pregnant so early on.

OP posts:
margatino · 09/12/2022 21:33

My husband and I got our first baby at 25 (actually a week shy of 25 for me).
No one openly judged us. But we didn't feel it was that young either.

How is your financial situation? I understand your partner is earning a good amount but if you aren't married and things don't work out, you aren't entitled to any of it sadly, and if youre pregnant or have a young child it might make things even harder. So I'd protect myself financially first.
Is the house in both your names?

Original poster
sianlouise1998 · 09/12/2022 21:38

I don’t think it’s particularly young either, my brain has the tendency to overthink everything.

The house is in both our names, I was earning more than him at the time. I work as a care coordinator for the NHS, he has recently had a promotion. We have been saving and doing the house up recently.

We aren’t married, that’s another thing I was worried about getting judged for. Also the fact I have only been in my job for 4 months so I feel like I have to wait until I’ve been doing it a bit longer!

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 09/12/2022 21:40

Why are you both so desperate to have children? This sounds like an ideal time for you both to go and live a bit. What were your upbringings like? Did you have lots of valuable experiences? Travel? Hobbies?

what does your average week look like as a couple?

notacooldad · 09/12/2022 21:48

At 25 you are not exactly a kid are you?
25 is within normal age parameters of having a baby.
Why are you so insecure you are bothered what other people think and why do those thoughts matter. Their judgement is not going to make a difference to your life.
You are being stupid about that tbh.

If you are bothered by what people may think then you are probably too immature to have a baby and get married.

Look up your employment rights and eligibility as you have only started a job a few months ago. That could be the only thing stopping you having a baby if you want to keep this job.

Original poster
sianlouise1998 · 09/12/2022 21:49

We have always talked about having children, more so recently.

Our life is laid back with not much going on! Have been travelling together and had good upbringings.

I am one of 6, so I come from a big family. It’s just something that has been on my mind a lot recently for some reason. I appreciate I am young and should enjoy life before starting a family.

Just wanted to get other peoples views really.

OP posts:
Quirked · 09/12/2022 21:51

I don't think it really matters what anyone else thinks. You shouldn't give that a second thought. Just do what you want to do.

Original poster
sianlouise1998 · 09/12/2022 21:53

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty. I have always been a worrier and worried about what people think, definitely something I need to work on, I don’t think that will ever change though sadly.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2022 21:55

Stop worrying about what other people think. First of all, it's none of your business, and second of all, what they think doesn't matter.

I do suggest you get married and work at your job for a while longer before getting pregnant. Go to the registrar's office and save your money for your future family.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2022 21:58

sianlouise1998 · 09/12/2022 21:53

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty. I have always been a worrier and worried about what people think, definitely something I need to work on, I don’t think that will ever change though sadly.

Please, set yourself free from this self-imposed prison. The reality is that people really aren't thinking about you and what choices you make. They honestly don't care. People have enough of their own shit to deal with. When you get older you will look back and see how much emotional energy you wasted caring about what others think of you.

Pepper12345 · 09/12/2022 21:59

Check in your contract for what the mat leave terms are, with lots of companies you aren't eligible for more than statutory for the first two years.

What are your friends groups situations like? If everyone's quite settled, you might find everyone jumps on the bandwagon once you get started, if they're all mostly single you might find yourselves isolated from them in day to day terms though will find new friends through children.

Traditionally couples do tend to get married before children, why is it you want to do it the other way? There are plenty of valid reasons, but maybe put some thought in to why it is you want to, whether it be no desire for a wedding, your priorities as a couple, any insecurities, straight up broodiness or anything else. But sometimes thinking it through from a backwards point can help identify where your feelings are coming from and validate/explain them and help reassure you they're for good reasons.

Rainingoutthere · 09/12/2022 21:59

I had my first at 25. I am 31.

i haven’t felt any judgement at all. Although I was almost always the youngest mum at the NCT group/ baby classes.
Now they are at school and it’s really not even something that crosses my mind.

If you feel like you are at the right time in your life, then go for it.

LaLuz7 · 09/12/2022 21:59

If you plan on being out of the workforce for more than a year or two and unless you have considerably more assets/bigger earnings than your partner, please consider getting legally married before baby. Have a look at the relationship boards to see how vulnerable unwed mothers can be. Even if you never plan to be financially dependent on a man, many things can happen in life that make it unavoidable (disabled kid needing a parent home 24/7, etc). Just something you need to consider really well.

Juicylychee · 09/12/2022 22:00

Get married first.

SingingSands · 09/12/2022 22:06

I had my first baby at 25. I was 24 when I fell pregnant. We'd just bought a house, we both had full time jobs. When DD was born we had been together seven years. We married five months after she was born.

18 years later, still married, still in the same house, still happy. And enjoying our freedom in our forties!

Cakecakecheese · 09/12/2022 22:08

My best friend had her first child at 20. I had my first at 41. Some people probably think she was too young and/or I'm too old but it's nobody's business. Do what's right for you and your partner but I will say you will need to try to stop worrying about what other people think as you'll get loads of opinions regarding pregnancy and child rearing no matter what age you have kids, you'll need to tune it out.

Remagirl · 09/12/2022 22:12

It doesn't matter what other people think. You should do what you both want to do. Getting pregnant isn't always straightforward. For some it's as easy as falling off a bike. For others it takes a long time and sometimes it just doesn't happen at all. Good luck with whatever you decide x

SleekMamma · 09/12/2022 22:13

1 it's your life not your employers
2 it's your life so nobody else gets a say
3 20s is a perfect age to have a baby

Go for it!

Loachworks · 09/12/2022 22:17

Your situation sounds very similar to my DS and his fiancée. They were 16 when they got together ten years ago and bought a house at twenty three. I know they'd love children but are choosing to be married first, travel, do up their home and establish their careers in their twenties.

The wedding is booked for Summer 2024 and they plan to have DC as soon as they can afterwards. They have said they don't want to be the youngest parents in the playground and know how much they'll lose their freedom once DC hopefully arrive. They seem so much more sensible than I was. I had DS around your age but didn't have our second and third until my mid thirties (there's a ten year gap) because I felt it was too young, even though I was married and owned a home.

wishing3 · 09/12/2022 22:17

Just purely from the fun of the wedding side of it, if you’re pjs Ning to get married I personally would do it before you have a child. There are all the security reasons that others will/have mentioned, but also I think it’d be so much more fun! I had my baby while engaged as too old to wait longer, now fortunate to be pregnant with second. Love being a mum but far too knackered to plan a wedding and not the same if looking after a toddler!

notacooldad · 09/12/2022 22:27

I appreciate I am young and should enjoy life before starting a family.
You are not that young! You are 25 not 18.
I don't get this sentence that you should enjoy life before starting a family. Are you not enjoying life? Don't you enjoy life once you have a family? Are you waiting to start to enjoy life. I don't get it . Either you are ready for a baby or not. How is any one else supposed to know.

Lillygolightly · 09/12/2022 22:30

It’s your life, you only get one so live it how you want to live it!

Opinions on the right age to have a baby will always vary between people and truthfully there is no right time and no right age, just whatever feels right for you.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/12/2022 22:31

Had my first in mid 20s. About to have my second in early 30s. 20s is a great time to have kids in my opinion!

saleorbouy · 09/12/2022 22:38

It's your life so live it. You're old enough to not too need to worry what others think, just drop the detractors and keep the supporters in your life.
If you are secure financially and in your relationship then just do what your feel is right for you both there's never a perfect time.

Iliketeaagain · 09/12/2022 22:42

Since you've only been in your job for 4 months, before you start trying, double check the maternity policy.

I think the NHS is 1 year of service by the time you are 29 weeks pregnant before you are entitled to occupational maternity pay, so you might want to wait a few months before you try in case it happens right away because if you got pregnant next week, you might not be entitled to anything more than statutory pay.

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/12/2022 22:46

Given the current economic climate, the very best thing you can do for any future children is to have a secure career. The very best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure that if you go part time or stop work for any length of time, that you are married and have a financial link to your partner.

Picture two couples. One couple gets married, the other doesn't. Both couple split up after 10 years. The couple who are married split everything. The couple who are not have separate finances and the woman, who might well have given up work or gone part time or reduced her career chances is completely screwed. Read some threads on here to see it in action.