Wife's pregnancy anxiety

[Desperatelytryingdad]

Hello all,

Apologies firstly as I am unfamiliar with this site and have just signed up (about 5 minutes before posting this).

My wife is 16 weeks and this is her and our first child.

She has a long history of anxiety and our baby is very much wanted and a long time coming, we actually went through IVF to get here as despite tests not showing any medical reasons, we were struggling to conceive. I am very aware the longing to start a family has placed extra pressure on her. I am (somewhat uselessly) trying everything I can to yes support but also reassure her as she often becomes very anxious around the whole thing. We have had two private scans already just to make sure nothing terrible had happened (since positive test).

The latest is that she is worried her 'bump', which I am led to believe was bigger than expected (if at all) given we're only just in second trimester, now feels "smaller" over the past week than it had done previously. I have conducted some research into why this might be however the internet is awash with varying sources and explanations for this.

If any users are able to provide some context, explanation, suggestions or similar experiences I would really appreciate that and of course if any women have advice for me as a partner I'd be extremely grateful. I of course want the pregnancy to go as well as possible however I also want the best for my wife and will endeavour to provide that as best I can.

You need to contact your clinic to take them up on the counselling sessions they should provide as part of your treatment.

IVF can add extra stress onto pregnancy and the journey to parenthood - that’s why they offer sessions so would be good for her to discuss this with a professional

aw, I feel for you! I struggled with anxiety as well. If you think about it, it’s quite natural- her body is wired to make sure she’s doing everything in her power to keep the baby safe.

definitely counselling through your IVF provider- also try NHS perinatal support. Definitely a good idea to get this started now as the anxiety may get worse once the baby is here. NHS perinatal offer CBT.

I would not be worried about bump size. Bump measuring is notoriously inaccurate and varies from woman to woman.

Thanks DancingSpleen.

We and she (separately) did have some therapy which was provided by the clinic. It's hard for me to distinguish between what may be a genuine concern with my wife or what may just be 'anxiety'. I thought it worth posting just to see if there was any comment on the 'bump' feeling as though it has gone down or smaller over the past week or so (according to my wife, I wouldn't know!)?

Urgh I feel for you both it's such a worrying time
You worry about getting pregnant
Then miscarriage
Then disabilities
Then still birth
Then cot death etc
It just doesn't stop

I found the book Expecting Better by Emily Oster (i think that's the author) to be life changing
She writes according to statistics on many aspects of pregnancy

Keep being supportive it's so important to be in tune with your partner and not to dismiss them

Thank you Puppyseahorse, I will look into perinatal support as I did stumble across it (t'internet) however I thought that was related to Nandos in some way! (joke).

Is the bump actually measuring smaller or does she just feel it’s smaller?

some women do lose weight in the first trimester.

i would echo the poster above who said it’s important to listen & not be dismissive of your wife’s concerns, even if you don’t agree with them. Remind her that’s it’s normal, anxiety can be physiological, and that help exists.

At 16 weeks she wouldn’t be measured at all yet

Was your wife on progesterone pessaries @Desperatelytryingdad? And potentially stopped now she’s in the second trimester? They cause terrible bloat so her bump may have felt or appeared bigger but actually it was probably the progesterone.

Honestly, nothing can really be gleaned on "bump size" at this point in pregnancy. Most first time mothers are barely showing at this point anyway and the uterus is only really starting to expand above the pelvis; a lot of what's visible up to this point is actually bloat rather than "bump". So it could be that things have rearranged slightly inside, or that bloating have decreased, or actually that the bump isn't smaller, it's impossible to tell and even if you could it wouldn't really tell you anything.

The real issue is that she needs support with managing her anxiety.

Thanks again both.

Yes she is stating herself that it 'feels smaller'. I am unsure on measuring we had plenty of interaction with the clinic up until about 6 weeks, since then we have had usual 12 week interaction with NHS and a couple of private scans (separate clinic).

I myself have struggled with anxiety in the past so I am very aware of not 'dismissing' her concerns both on medical and psychological grounds however I feel the best reassurance for her can be to get some explanation for why she is feeling this way psychologically or physiologically. Beyond taken her back to the second clinic for another private scan I am just trying different avenues to try and get some reassurance if not direction for best course of action.

As I say, baby is of highest priority however I am keen to place my wife's mental and physical health in that same bracket and it can be hard to make the call on taking physical action or just 'talking through'. She is working atm however I am still working from home so do my best with keeping house tidy and clean, cooking, engaging in relaxing activity, leaving her to nap etc as just a general thing however this 'bump feeling smaller' seems to be causing her some worry now.

Ah, thanks HappyCroc! I was unaware of this and will consult her when she comes home, that certainly sounds as though it may be worth investigating.

I honestly didn't expect so many responses so quickly so rather than reply to everybody I just wanted to say thank you very much all thus far this is really helpful and comforting. I am planning on sharing this thread with her upon her return tonight and I'm sure we can determine a route if this continues or if she decides so.

My bump size in both pregnancies definitely measured up and down. I had to have very regular check ups which involved taking measurements (because of an underlying health issue I have) and sometimes my bump measurement was smaller than at my last appointment! Then got bigger again!

The midwives and consultants told me it was no concern at all and that bump size depends on lots of things like who is measuring you, how the baby is lying, whether I'm a bit bloated.. they also said it's sometimes smaller in the morning (can't remember why!). They said as long as over time the bump was growing then that's fine!

Definitely echo the recommendations of your wife getting some support and treatment for her anxiety as pregnancy can be a bit of a worrying time anyway.

I am 16 weeks - she should have an appt soon where they will have a look at her tummy. I have zero bump yet and they were not bothered, said it felt fine. Bump takes a while to develop esp if first time pregnancy, strong ab muscles or relatively tall (I'm 5ft 8). Private scan also reassured me that baby is measuring right on size.

I feel for her - I'm pregnant after loss and infertility and it's very anxiety provoking

At 16 weeks the baby is really small. The bump size really is irrelevant at this stage. It'll be 3 more months before the regular bump measurements start. Keep a check on the anxiety and seek help if needed. Our babies are all IVF, I get it. But the worrying continues into parenthood forever more from now on. So definitely need to ensure the anxiety is not disproportionate and starts to impact mental health, which can become a serious illness.

Echo the point about progesterone - I'm pregnant after IVF and my body shape changed after I stopped taking it!

Hi OP, I'm so sorry your wife is feeling this way. I can imagine it's very tough as this is such a longed-for baby.

I hope this helps provide some reassurance - I'm currently 35 weeks but I honestly didn't get a solid bump until I was over 20 weeks (aka a bump which permanently stayed and grew week by week.) What I thought was a bump early on was actually just bloat - no doubt due to other things going on inside my body (slowed down digestion etc). I had a similar anxiety - that one day I would look pregnant, then the next I wouldn't. Or I would often start the day without a bump, then finish the day with one.

Baby is still small at 16 weeks as they are still developing but will suddenly start putting on loads of weight so you will notice her bump grow a lot more really soon. Right now the bump may be a little bit baby but it may (like me) also be a lot of bloat which is why it fluctuates.

Also I echo what others have said, definitely make sure to get some counselling/support if the anxiety continues to help keep her well throughout the rest of the pregnancy. It's such a tough time and it's understandable she's struggling, so that's why the help is there💜

Thank you so much Janey as with everyone else.

I am hoping as a start, at the very least, she can take some reassurance from replies. I have 'text' her whilst at work and she already seemed grateful so by extension of course I am too. I am suspicious it is more bloat, 'horses for courses' etc however I am cautious to gently lure her out of her panic as opposed to anything that may add to it. Some really useful replies here I am genuinely quite shocked!

Hey @Desperatelytryingdad - echo what a lot of the previous posters have said about progesterone and bloat (and the comments are relevant even if she wasn't on progesterone). I didn't really notice this at 16 weeks but if it helps two weeks ago (I'm currently 26 weeks) I experienced the same thing, my bump was a lot smaller and I felt a lot less pregnant. But I think baby had just moved into a different position as she's still small.

The anxiety will hopefully ease as time passes (scans really helped me, I am still getting them) but there is likely to be worry the whole way through the pregnancy, particularly when it's been difficult to get to this point as you just expect the worst to happen. I really think if she can take advance of any more could selling through your clinic that will help. My other half was always desperately trying to find a solution or make me feel better but sometimes its just about needing to express what is making you worry rather than needing a solution.

Keep doing what you're doing, you sound super supportive. And make sure you look after yourself as well, my anxiety also caused my partner to have the same worries but he felt like he couldn't voice them to me as he worried about stressing me out further. So just make sure you have someone you talk to. All the best.

Could selling = counselling**

Hrf1503 · Today 17:16
Hey @Desperatelytryingdad - echo what a lot of the previous posters have said about progesterone and bloat (and the comments are relevant even if she wasn't on progesterone). I didn't really notice this at 16 weeks but if it helps two weeks ago (I'm currently 26 weeks) I experienced the same thing, my bump was a lot smaller and I felt a lot less pregnant. But I think baby had just moved into a different position as she's still small.
The anxiety will hopefully ease as time passes (scans really helped me, I am still getting them) but there is likely to be worry the whole way through the pregnancy, particularly when it's been difficult to get to this point as you just expect the worst to happen. I really think if she can take advance of any more could selling through your clinic that will help. My other half was always desperately trying to find a solution or make me feel better but sometimes its just about needing to express what is making you worry rather than needing a solution.
Keep doing what you're doing, you sound super supportive. And make sure you look after yourself as well, my anxiety also caused my partner to have the same worries but he felt like he couldn't voice them to me as he worried about stressing me out further. So just make sure you have someone you talk to. All the best.
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Again, excellent. Thank you Hrf1503.

She's home now! I'm letting her settle in etc and she does not seem too distressed or panicked. She's keen to look through replies and I will update if appropriate!

Pregnancy is such a worry time isn't it, sorry your wife (and you also) are experiencing anxiety around this.

I had prenatal anxiety with my son in 2020. It got to a point where I couldn't take the constant worrying about everything anymore and spoke to my midwife. She recommended I self referred for CBT and it was honestly the best thing I could have done for myself. My husband, bless him, tried to help and reason with me but in all honesty there wasn't anything he could do to help me calm down when I got worked up over things, I remember being so in my head over it all I didn't have the capacity to listen to anything or anyone else until I started therapy. My anxiety peaked at 16 weeks.

In hind sight (a wonderful thing!) at 16 weeks I was barely showing at all looking back at pictures and you're not measured by your midwife at this point as baby is still so tiny. I often found that my 'bump' was basically non existent at the beginning of the day and grew over the course of the day after eating, it was weird but I had pregnant colleagues at the same time who also had the same. I didn't really have a 'proper bump' until around 25 weeks.

Hope this helps :)

And also to note, my anxiety also improved massively once I got to about 22 weeks and started feeling my son move about and kick regularly.

Thank you so much Lottie.

We had a chat and read through replies and again my wife was very grateful to me (for making some effort) and everyone who replied.

She is very aware and focused upon the anxiety aspect of it and we discussed continuing to use the private scans (£75 each so not too bad) but only as a last resort if her worry becomes unbearable. We are both cautious of them becoming something resembling a 'crutch'. We are both going to look into CBT services too and really suss out what is available.

I read, was suspicious of and inclined to believe that the anxiety can 'snowball' if you like and it certainly wouldn't stop if we are successful in having our baby. I think it important to get at least some semblance of a grip on it now as opposed to waiting for it to reach a crisis stage.

Finally, but again, thank you all! 💙

With scans I'd recommend not booking them in a reactive way but instead a proactive way. If you book them reactively eg when anxiety is at a peak that can be very maintaining/keep the anxiety going. I had basically booked one as a reaction to super high anxiety at 11wks then by 13 week NHS one was super anxious. We then pre-booked one at 16 (knowing our next NHS scan was 19 weeks) and didn't feel anywhere near as anxious approaching that. I'm hoping I will then feel movements and won't need any more!

I can understand the anxiety - am 27 weeks and have only just started to relax and allow some excitement after previous miscarriages. I found the period between the 12 week scan and starting to feel movements around 19-20 weeks pretty hard - loads of symptoms like nausea aren’t there anymore to reassure, and you just don’t feel/look pregnant.

With bump size, I personally found - as did some of my friends - that the bump got smaller in that same period before getting bigger, largely because the horrendous bloating/indigestion of the first trimester or so has gone away. I don’t know how your wife is feeling vs first weeks but I looked way bigger in 1st trimester until about week 13 when nausea and indigestion lessened. Until about 20 weeks I was nervous too about the lack of bump, and then it popped suddenly. Bear in mind that usually it’s also much smaller in the morning and then it expands towards EOD - because muscles get tired, water accumulates and digestion slows. So the bump size does change - every day actually, depending also on what you’re eating and how you’re feeling.

Best of luck to the three of you!