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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Friend not sure this is a good idea - she's 9 weeks pregnant - OPINIONS WELCOME

50 replies

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 21:35

Friend has just rung. She's nine weeks. She's really not sure how to make the decision. She has no children, is in a rockyish job, boyfriend and her arguing all the time (possibly cos of her hormones before she found out) and he's retraining so no money.

THey live in the middle of urbia, in a flat. She's wonderful but not particularly maternal.

I would almost certainly be godmother...

She's booked in three or four times for a termination but isn't sure if it's the right thing or not. She just doesn't know. Next termination appointment next week.

Any other thoughts or perspectives GRATEFULLY received.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 31/01/2008 21:36

she needs some proper counselling, fast

TotalChaos · 31/01/2008 21:39

Agree with Franny about the counselling.

As a side issue - being on one level in a flat is quite convenient with a very young child (lived in City centre flat with DS from birth till 3).

beansprout · 31/01/2008 21:45

What are her reasons for terminating? I know you outline her circumstances, but if a couple really wanted a baby, they would get round those things. What does she want? What does he want?

I wish her well, very difficult.

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 21:45

Righto counselling being booked.

One level flat (I agree)...but somehow I think there's more to the decision.

She seemed to have the idea that if she didn't go ahead, she and bf would have to finish relationship since this means they're not ready to be together...

(PErsonally I think he's not the one, but then I would )

but I don't think she has to chuck him..

am wracking my brains trying to remember HOW you make the decision to have a kid...???
it all happened so fast for us.

OP posts:

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 21:47

she's not really maternal...and we've known this for years.

plus she was DEVASTATED when she found out, and didn't tell me because she thought (wromngly) that all women with kids woudl tell her to have it.

OP posts:

CantSleepWontSleep · 31/01/2008 21:49

If she's already cancelled that many times then she obviously isn't certain. Ending a life isn't something to do if you're not certain. It's irreversible and unforgettable.

Counselling definitely needed.

Bluestocking · 31/01/2008 21:53

I had an abortion (years ago) because I got pregnant at the very end of a doomed relationship. I was desperately sad about it (still am) but my desire for a child was less than my desire not to be irrevocably linked with this particular man. But if I had been more desperate to have a baby, I probably would have accepted the undesirable entanglement with the man.

WestCountryLass · 31/01/2008 21:53

I know a fair few Mums who aren't really maternal in the tradional M

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 21:58

she's not maternal in the case of she doesn't want to be a mother, i think she's saying.

but then how do you ever know? she's mid thirties.

Being irreversible and unforgettable is what I'd call my experience of being a mum. I don't know if it's a state people shoudl just end up in if they can choose.

It's all very confusing.

I'm half jumping for joy because we'd love an extension to our 'family' - but I just don't know how to help her work out if it's right for her...

OP posts:

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 22:01

Dear bluestocking

Did you know the relationship was doomed before falling pregnant? Or was that the final kybosh?

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Asgoodas · 31/01/2008 22:03

There should be no doubt with an abortion. The bigeer the doubt, the bigger the guilt after or later - trust me. Eight years later...councelling is the way to go. How good she has such a supportive friend x

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 22:10

but does that work both ways? the bigger the doubt over becoming a mum, the bigger the regret after?

I'm a bit rubbish actually - three quarters of me is not wanting her to think about an abortion because I want her to have what we have...

and i am feeling broody too.

so there's a lot of 'oooh wouldn;t it be lovely...

but i know there's a hell of a lot of stress involved in parenting and i would hate her to go down that route and then say 'why didn't you tell me to get out of this'

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BITCAT · 31/01/2008 22:16

I think she needs counselling and needs to be very sure before going ahead with anything. Plenty of people go it alone and do fantastic jobs, and the maternal thing would probably kick in when baby arrives. I don't know what else to suggest, can she talk things through with bf or her mother or good friend!!!

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 22:16

oh my god...this is too difficult, isn't it? even for MNs to talk about - that's bad.

I'm guessing that the silence means this is a really bad thing I'm even raising.

eight years or more..? god, is there anyone out there who would put the opposite argument or should I really just say I don't have an opinion?

I don't want to sway her - I could never forgive myself one way or the other. But i know this side of it - the kids side...

is the other side really not recoverable from??

OP posts:

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 22:18

that's the point - her mumis a nightmare (which is why I don't think she likes kids). her bf and she are at the point fo killing each other - which may be hormonal but tbh she was not 100% happy with him before...

and i'm the good friend closest to her...she's been hiding this for four weeks now (I was getting paranoid she wasn;t coming round) but she's now gone over the dates for ?chemical french pill??? so she rang and said she might need picking up on wednesday from xxx hosp and woudl i be around!!!

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Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 22:22

does the maternal thing kick in though inevitably???

I just have no experience with this - i was ecstatic with ours - but then i really really wanted them beforehand...

I told her she should put all the reasons for on one side of paper and all the reasons against on the other - I;m more the logical type - but then i also said that she shoudl look at the results and then use her gut instinct to evaluate them.

She's texted to say that she's booked a therapist appointment Monday and Tuesday.

I really really want her to want it. We woudl even have the baby come and board over with us if she was working away..I think it could work, but I don't know what to say for the best and I suppose i feel very nervous and very sad...

OP posts:

BITCAT · 31/01/2008 22:23

I feel for her i really do! it's a very difficult decision to make. I think the best you can do is listen, be supportive as you can whatever she decides and just be there for her!! It has to be her decision!!

BITCAT · 31/01/2008 22:30

Not always kicks in straight away but i know lots of women that weren't maternal before having children and turned out to be fantastic parents!!! Well at least shes getting some expert counselling and shes very lucky to have a good friend like you. I don't think i could have an abortion, but i certainly don't think anything bad about those that do, they have there reasons and it's there choice and it's not an easy option either!!!

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 22:35

well I think I can at least say that - that she might be non maternal cos it's not hers, for example, but that she could be different with her own.

that feels true without being influencing unduly. it just might open a door.

thank you ladies. x

sorry to be floppy about this. just outside my 'comfort zone' as they say in the US.

OP posts:

Sandiesx · 31/01/2008 22:40

I have to remind myself of the reasons I had the termination most days. I did the right thing, I know that deep inside but I think of the child I could have had sometimes - when I really want to hurt
I had a miscarriage in Oct and believe it was retribution - that's the guilt I feel. It will never leave me, even though I know I did it for all the right reasons.

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 22:45

that's something i think we can all relate to - guilt and punishment of ourselves.

the other alternative is that three lives are ruined.

(ooooh trying so hard to be evenhanded about it)

thinking about Asgoodas's post 'the bigger the doubt, the bigger the guilt', did you have any doubts beforehand?

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liahgen · 31/01/2008 22:50

for what it's worth, I had coucelling for a termination when expecting dd1 in 1995.

Was told, noone would reccomend you in this frame of mind. I think if she has any doubts, dont do it. Like other poster said. Is irreversable.

Horrible horrible situation to be in.

MissMalaprop · 31/01/2008 22:53

I can only echo what CantSleep has said, she has to be certain before she does this. I was absolutely positive I was doing the right thing (still am) but sometimes it still hurts, and I don't think I could cope with that if I'd been at all unsure about the decision I made.

Asgoodas · 31/01/2008 22:55

They gave me a scan the day before and I could see. If she thought that abortion was -the- option she would have done so by now (I was 9 weeks). How is it three lives ruined? It's three lives changed. Not the same. If friend and bf are arguing then it's two lives changed. Hug her for me, she already knows her choice, she is just afraid to admit it.

pinkspottywellies · 31/01/2008 22:56

Pankhurst - the line 'we could even have the baby come and board with us' just jumped out at me. It's all very well to think about the baby as a little bundle of baby, with little tiny baby gros and a moses basket, aaaawww. But it will be her child FOREVER. It's a completely new lifestyle for her to think about whether she wants.

I know you know this already but it's seems like you're getting swept up with the cutesy 'baby'ness of it all (as is very easy!). Also you want her to have what you have. She already doesn't though - she doesn't know if she wants it, she might not be with the right man.

Perhaps you can have a more objective think about it before you talk to her again. I'm glad she's booked the counselling and she's very lucky to have you as a friend. I hope she makes the right decision.

(and I hope this didn't come across as patronising)

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