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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Friend not sure this is a good idea - she's 9 weeks pregnant - OPINIONS WELCOME

50 replies

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 21:35

Friend has just rung. She's nine weeks. She's really not sure how to make the decision. She has no children, is in a rockyish job, boyfriend and her arguing all the time (possibly cos of her hormones before she found out) and he's retraining so no money.

THey live in the middle of urbia, in a flat. She's wonderful but not particularly maternal.

I would almost certainly be godmother...

She's booked in three or four times for a termination but isn't sure if it's the right thing or not. She just doesn't know. Next termination appointment next week.

Any other thoughts or perspectives GRATEFULLY received.

OP posts:

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 23:00

it isn't my friend. i lied. it's my sister.

i have a MASSIVE vested interest in this. and i need to be impartial for her sake. we'd be happy to have it live here - i'm sure we would - if the doubt is anything over affordability, childcare, whatever.

but i think it's over her own want or need for a child.

and thinking about it - only she can know that, right?

i am pretty sure she has to make her own decision - but if it's the wrong decision or it's too late to make it (either way) then i guess i'm saying the stakes are high.

OP posts:

BITCAT · 31/01/2008 23:04

Somebody once said to me if you wait till you can afford a baby you will never have one and it is so true!!!

BabiesEverywhere · 31/01/2008 23:08

pankhurst, All you can do is tell your sister that you love and support her whatever she decides.

I was very unmaternal for most of my life. Vowed I would never have kids and never liked other peoples babies. Yet I did change my mind, I am very attached to my DD and in fact I quite my career job to stay home with her and I am pregnant again

People change and if your sister decides to have this baby, she may be a fantastic mum, who knows.

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 23:15

well if she isn't, we'll have to work doubly hard

i am just crying i guess because i am afraid it isn't the right time.

i'm really not carried away by the cuteness of it. our dds are bloody hard work.

i have told her we'll be there 100percent for her but i am just sitting here weeping and weeping because i feel very sad about it all

OP posts:

pinkspottywellies · 31/01/2008 23:19

Oh Pankhurst. You must be in bits about this. It will turn out for the best. All you can do is be there for her, whatever decision she makes.

hackneybird · 31/01/2008 23:22

If she is in that much doubt then I don't believe she will go through with it.

I absolutely feel so much for you and your sister. She is very lucky to have someone there for her who cares so much and will be that supportive whatever her decision.

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 23:27

i really am. it's a disaster.

i'm just so sorry for her. and her sodding bf - who i hate but not this much.

and i am bonding with this little niece or nephew who doesn't even exist yet because they will be like her - so i really HAVE to rein it in and say objective things, even if i don't feel objective - because the risks of saying the wrong thing are just so big.

("it will turn out for the best" is actually very good. reassuring. thank you psw)

OP posts:

Original poster

pankhurst · 31/01/2008 23:35

have just texted her.

am going to sleep now.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.
(really big thank you)

can't tell DP anything yet so really really appreciate not being on my own with this.

(feebly waves - yeayyyy mumsnet!)

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pgandsad · 31/01/2008 23:39

Yes she is very lucky to have you. I have been there. I got pg to a man I was head over heels in love with but we were both too screwed up so I left. I had no place of my own, no sense of security and I felt my world was held together by a very fragile thread indeed.
When I found out I was pg my reaction was "nooooo!"
I sought counselling plus advice from close friends and went back and forth. It was a horrible time. In the end I had the termination and know it was the right thing to do. That was two years ago. I was not in the right place to have a child emotionally and felt very strongly that any child I might have deserved to be loved and wanted 100%.
This time when I saw the pregnancy test turn positive I was delighted. True indication of this was when I thought it was a neg at first and felt very disappointed.
I know I'm in the right place now and am ready for the challenge, even with a depressive DP.

Your sis needs to make as informed a decision as possible and if she knows you are there for her whatever, that's huge. My heart goes out to both of you, good luck.

madamez · 31/01/2008 23:42

If she's feeling that conflicted then she probably should go ahead with the pregnancy. THe useful test some people recommend is: does she see this as a 'problem' or as a 'baby'. Biological facts aside, if she thinks it's the former then she could probably cope with a termination, if she's thinking the latter then she will probably feel much worse afterwards. Definitely counselling before she goes ahead.

TwilightSurfer · 01/02/2008 01:54

Pankhurst I've had many friends find themselves in your friends situation. A few had abortions and a few had babies. In all the cases the ladies that had abortions went on the have children later on. There's no right or wrong answer only a fork in the road. Just let her know that whatever path she chooses things will work out, maybe not immediately but eventually.

Boredalot · 01/02/2008 01:58

Personally, if I was asked my opinion I would tell her to go through with the termination. God knows there are enough screwed up children with parents who hate each other and its very very hard for them. Sorry if I sound harsh.. but you did ask.

Good luck.

Original poster

pankhurst · 01/02/2008 10:07

that's ok. what you say is true.

she's decided that it's not an option to be a single mum. that really doesn't surprise me.

they'll either go forward as a couple or she'll have a termination.

gave her TotalChaos's perspective about being in a flat. think that's really useful as a viewpoint.

there's too much pressure to get it all perfect and right when you are in the 'mother' role.

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babylove21 · 01/02/2008 10:15

sorry if i cross post but don't have time to read all.
I did a similar thing, having booked several appointments and actually went to 2 of them & had counselling.
Now 25 weeks pregnant, life is not perfect but i am certain i made the right choice.

circumstances change, they can and do.hormones make us mothers not always yearnings for children.
The decision must soley be hers, and whilst she might take into account the feelings of others etc that should not sway her decision as the ultimate sacrifice lies with her.
" In the end babies only ever bring tears of joy" . JMO.

doggiesayswoof · 01/02/2008 10:27

The main thing that worries me tbh is that her relationship with bf is so poor, and they may end up doing the 'staying together for the sake of the baby' thing.

Don't want to be harsh/negative, but that sounds miserable. Their relationship will be tested to its limit when they have a young baby. [stating the bloody obvious, I know]

I'm just saying that all good intentions aside, she could still end up as a single parent/totally unsupported by her partner even if they are still together. There are no guarantees.

Personally I would prefer to be a single parent than to be in that situation.

Much sympathy for you and your sister - must be so difficult.

If she has cancelled appts - there must be a lot of doubt in her mind. What exactly is stopping her from going ahead with a termination? Is it purely guilt (ie negative reasons) or does she want the baby on some level (positive reason)? Useful q to ask, I think.

Kezza7779 · 01/02/2008 11:01

This happened to me many years ago, i was in a relatinship with a man who was already ina realtionship!!!!!!
I went to have a termination but changed my mind whilst there, thinking i wanted the baby, then i shit myself and wanted a termination, then changed my mind agian. I finally decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, 7 weeks on i had a miscarriage and i was devastated. She will do what she feels is best in the end. When she sits in that clinic shell know one way or another the thing to do in the end. xxxx

Bluestocking · 01/02/2008 19:07

Pankhurst, I knew the relationship was doomed and I was nerving myself up to finish it. Although it was very sad having an abortion, I don't regret it. It allowed me to go on with my life, meet a man with whom I could have a good relationship, and have a baby with him.

Original poster

pankhurst · 01/02/2008 20:40

I think I'll ask her if she wants to see these posts, if that's alright with you - there's a wide variety of opinions here.

she just has to do the right thing for her.

(biting knuckles with worry about what it's going to be...)

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hackneybird · 02/02/2008 00:13

Best of luck to you all.

As TS said 'no wrong decisions only a fork in the road'. Such wise words.

If she had the baby and ended up as a 'single mum' she would still have you and your family so she wouldn't be on her own and they would both be supported by a loving family.

If she chooses not to have the baby then she'll move on and hopefully into a happier relationship and may have a child in less traumatic circumstances.

I know a few women who have had babies in less than ideal situations, but who are happy and don't regret having their children.

I know women who chose to have terminations (myself included) and who moved on with their lives.
xx

Boredalot · 02/02/2008 01:17

Just accept that if she has this kid, she will be on her own without the father and it will be awful. There will be no one to take on the night feeds, or get up with the baby when you want to sleep in. You will be the only person who is responsible...........

madamez · 02/02/2008 20:29

There is of course, the third option: of having the baby and putting it up for adoption. She can get advice/counselling about this as well. For some people that feels like the best way to deal with an unplanned pregnancy - it's not for everyone but no ption is for everyone.

hunkermunker · 02/02/2008 20:35

Oh, Pankhurst

I was going to say what Madamez has said - how does she think of the pregnancy - as a baby or a problem? I think there's a fair chance that booking and cancelling the termination several times means she's less than sure she's making the right decision with a termination.

I think, if she's very sure she wants a termination, that's what she should have. But she has to be 110% sure this is right for her.

Whereas I reckon (and I'm sure not everyone would agree with me) you only need to be just over 50% sure you want to keep on with a pregnancy. When the baby's born, they make up the difference.

But that's only for people who aren't sure - I do realise that for some people, a termination is exactly the right, indeed, the only thing they can do at that time in their life.

Original poster

pankhurst · 02/02/2008 22:49

hunkermunker, that's a really useful kind of way of thinking about it - as is the 'baby' or 'problem' thought.

really, these are the things that we're trying to weigh up.

tbh, adoption isn't an option - unless it's me and dp adopting...i mentioned earlier that that could be as formal or as informal as she might need. we're definitely here - even though we weren't planning our own for a few years yet.

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pixiella · 04/02/2008 11:12

If she's cancelled her appointment that many times then it's obv. not the right decision for her.
I thought about having an abortion with my pregnancy (which unfortunately ended in miscarriage) but the night before I just couldn't go through with it.
I knew that however much people said having a baby would 'ruin my life' that I would regret having a abortion even more and me and my partner would probably not have stayed together through it because he really didn't want me to have one.
Even if her circumstances are not perfect it doesn't mean she should terminate - no-one's ever 100% ready to have a baby.

pixiella · 04/02/2008 11:14

oh and....i'd just like to say that when i was pregnant i wished that my best friend had listened to me and tryed to help me figure out what i wanted rather than just expect that i would have a termination because that's what people my age (18 at the time) are expected to do when they accidently fall pregnant.

i thought that my only option was to have a termination because no-one (apart from my partner) was saying 'well you know, if you really want to you can have this baby...'

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