am I too old

[Bex2259]

Hi all

I'm a 41 year old mum of 2, 23 yo son and 20 yo daughter and I'm 9 weeks pregnant.
My other half is leaving the decision as to whether I continue with the pregnancy to me and I'm lost.

I'm caught up with the idea that I'm too old and the age gap is too large, then there's the economy. Everytime a settle one way or another something changes my mind.

I guess I just need to guidance, I know that ultimately this choice is mine to make.

Thanks everyone

Well plenty of women have babies at your age. I see pregnancy and life as a blessing so personally I'd crack on.... However only you can decide.
It's not a decision for MN. It's a decision where you need to reflect and decide what you feel and whatever you are comfortable.
Not for strangers on the internet.

Agree with above.

If it was me I would continue (and be secretly v excited) but that is me and so has no bearing on you really. Good luck with your reflections and discussions. 💐

I'm guessing the pregnancy is a surprise? I'm slightly older than you and my kids slightly younger. I don't know if I could start again now. My DH suggested having more children when I turned 40. I had my first at 29 and was happy to have kids relatively young so I could enjoy some time at the "other end." But I don't know how I'd react to an unplanned pregnancy now.

Also I think you're age isn't really an issue per se. If you had no children already you might feel very differently.

your (autocorrect typo)

My mum was 42 when i was born OP, and I'm still here and glad to be here at the age of 67.

That doesn't have any bearing on your decision. Only you can make that. And there's no wrong decision, there's only what's right for you (and your family). It's good that your other half knows that you must be the primary decision maker, but do you have any indication as to what he's feeling about it?

My older dc was 25 when I had a dc at 43! There were other dc too. One very much loved and appreciated sibling..

I'd your other half the father of your adult dc?

Only you can make the decision. It sounds like your OH isn't up for it though.

I don't think your age is the main concern, for me it would be starting again and having adult dc and a newborn. Think about how you see your life in the next 2,5,10 years and go from there.

My other half is the father to my ds and dd, he's 45 and does think that we may be too old but he has also said that he will support me in what ever I decide.

I think that after so long of being child free the idea of starting again is daunting but the idea of terminating a pregnancy is something in not sure I'm strong enough to go through with.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply, I really appreciate it

No you are definitely not to old, my mum had me at 45 back in the early 1960’s when every one seemed to have there baby’s in there 20’s. But now loads of people have there first baby middle 30’s early 40,s.

but at the end of the day it really is a decision your and you partner should make.

@Bex2259 the choice ultimately lies with you and if you go ahead i’m sure everyone including myself will be thrilled for you.
The only thing I’ll say (apologies for playing devils advocate to the above) is that you will be 71 when your little one is 30. My dad had two separate families and I always worry for the little ones about how much time they have with their dad and if he will be there to see them reach their big milestones given marriage and having babies are getting later and later.
I’m so lucky I got to spend my life with super active parents and grandparents and I know my dad didn’t find it as easy second time round in his mid 40’s and his retirement is looking very different to how he thought it would.
On the flip side I bloody ADORE my step siblings and I’m so so grateful for them and wouldn’t change them for the world and I know my dad feels that way too.
I love having them around and they changed my life for the better and so I’m sure your kids would feel that way too and that you’d absolutely love that baby with all your heart.
I think sometimes it’s just good to hear both sides but whatever choice you make I’m sure it’ll be right for you 💖💖

The economy seriously?

@WednesdaysChild11 absolutely! This played a huge factor in our discussion.
Cost of living crisis might not be a thing for you but we really had to crunch our numbers and see if we could afford to give a baby a comfortable life.

Well, I had my ds at 45, and he's perfect so I'm biased. He's 14 now and all going well.

You have to think that you'll see your child through their A'levels when you are 59. And there will be plenty of others doing the same. Are you up for that?

I had my DD now 18m at 41 and DH was 57. We tried for 13 years and then did IVF.

Best of luck with your decision making.

I’m about your age, have DC not far off your DCs ages and wouldn’t go ahead with the pregnancy if it was me. As you’ve written, you have done the child rearing, have adult children, so why would you want to start to start all over again? Who wants to be menopausal with young teens? Ultimately the choice is yours though and depends on where you see the next 20 years of your life heading.

@firsttimelondonmummy if you weren't already pregnant I would agree but the fact is you are and your baby doesn't care about the economy!

You’re only 41. You are not too old to have a baby. I had my son when I was 23 and I had a lot of people tell me I was too young to have a baby 🙄 at the end of the day it is nobody else’s business. Make the choice based on what you really want and don’t worry about your age and siblings age gaps.

I'm 38 and my eldest will be 20 next month. I've not long given birth to a surprise baby. I was so upset when I found out and agonised over what to do. Im completely pro choice but I couldn't bring myself to go down that route. My pregnancy was easy ish and I didn't feel old or much different from the first time around 20 years ago. I really struggled mentally though and worried about not bonding with the baby because of how I felt.

As soon as my baby was born all I felt was love, we bonded instantly and it's like they've always been here. I'm so pleased I went through with it and my eldest is quite taken with them too. We're now thinking about having another so there's a close age gap so I'm likely to be your age when that happens, if we are to be so lucky. I don't feel like I'm too old. I know a few women who have had children in their 40s and none seem to old to me.

However I think what ever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family going forward.

This is a very good point but old age isn't promised to anyone, my Mum wasn't very old when she had me but sadly she died when I was in my 20s. I know people who are in their 60s who still have their parents alive and I'm good health you just never know how life is going to go.

Alive and in good health that was meant to say at the end.

@WednesdaysChild11 Families in the UK spend around £6,000 during the first year of their baby's life.
Not everyone has £6,000 in disposable income.
Additionally the cost of raising a child has increased by more than £2,500 in the last year, and more than £13,000 over the last five years.
In London, the cost of raising a child is now more than a quarter of a million pounds – £253,638
Having a child isn’t a decision to be taken likely just because you’re pregnant.
Children should be given a certain quality of life that not everyone can afford.
Also as a reminder everyone who gets pregnant plans it or is careless and sometimes you just aren’t ready for that child.

I'm similar aged and my youngest is in year 5. The thought of starting again horrifies me. I love my children but I couldn't go back to all the baby stuff, toddler years, then the infant school phonics and harvest festival and costumes for this that and the other. I'm exhausted. I have given it my all and loved the experience but now I'm thoroughly enjoying the independence that comes with them getting a bit older. My career is back on track. I've got a social life again. It's all personal choice but that's how I would feel.

Hi

I understand where you are coming from.

You have already 2 grown children. However I don't think you are too old, basically you became mom earlier with your first 2 children. Now its your decision whether to keep the baby or not.😊Best of luck!

@firsttimelondonmummy unless you are really struggling I don't think money should be an issue. My grandma had 8 children and was poor but all her children grew into lovely, fully functioning adults. Them figures you quoted are just estimates they're not set in stone. I just really really disagree with that as a reason not to, it's just crazy to me. What if the economy is doing really well in a couple of years??!! Sorry but this does not sit well with me at all we're talking about a human life here! I'm presuming you're not destitute.