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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My friend just miscarried and I'm 7 weeks

28 replies

Conundrum12345 · 11/11/2022 16:32

My friend has just had her 2nd miscarriage and I'm 7 weeks pregnant with my first. I had a number of miscarriages myself and myself and hubby were planning to wait until we were 16 weeks to tell friends.

She asked to meet me next weekend and I'm honestly feeling so guilty. She'll be so upset and I have my wonderful news. Should I tell her next week or leave it? I want to support her but I hated being around pregnant women.

OP posts:
catchthedog · 11/11/2022 16:34

I wouldn't tell her yet no. this is her time and you weren't planning to announce it.

SellingMyDiary · 11/11/2022 16:34

I would leave it for now, wait until after your scan and that way she'll have had time to grieve and can be happy for you, also she'll understand you waiting until after your scan.

FinalPushh · 11/11/2022 16:37

I wouldn't mention it just yet no

BeingHappy · 11/11/2022 16:39

Hey @Conundrum12345 I'm in a very similar situation. A few months ago a friend told me she didn't want to meet up with me and she was going through something personal and wasn't ready to talk about it. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, we met for dinner and she broke down completely saying the reason she didn't want to see anyone was that she was going through a miscarriage. I was so relieved I never mentioned my pregnancy (first pregnancy for both of us). I'm a bit on the big side and thankfully it helped in that she didn't notice my bump. Turns out we both conceived within a week of each other. Anyway, I'm now 19 weeks and I still haven't been able to tell her.. she is still so heartbroken and I just have no idea when the right time is to mention it. I really feel for her and she's been so spooked and it was so traumatic she's scared to try again :(

MerryMarigold · 11/11/2022 16:41

If you were going to wait till 16 weeks, then wait. You will have plenty of sympathy and understanding to offer her so I would focus on that and listening not taking this moment over with your news and probably making her feel more miserable. She needs you I'm sure as someone who can understand and support her at this awful time.

Sunbun19 · 11/11/2022 16:41

If you weren't planning on telling friends until 16 weeks why would you tell her next weekend while she's going through a miscarriage, just don't

disconnecteddrifter · 11/11/2022 16:43

It's so hard. Two of my friends fell put about this. Pregnsnt friend didn't tell miscarriage friend who felt she was cruel for not doing so and ssid she felt humiliated. They were best friends before.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 11/11/2022 16:49

I've been on the other side where by I found out 2nd hand from people that others were expecting. My own SIL didn't tell us until 6 months and it hurt.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 11/11/2022 16:52

Wait a while. I hope your friend becomes pregnant again before too long. Lots of women miscarry early and then go on to have successful pregnancies. You are a kind friend but will not be the only one she knows who is pregnant.

shutthedamndoor · 11/11/2022 16:55

I was on the other side. I had a miscarriage, and one of my closest friends told me about her pregnancy. I was delighted for her, she was devastated for me. It probably helped that she warned me she didn't know how to tell me... it gave me a moment to pull myself together... but she's a good friend and I was truly happy for her.

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 11/11/2022 16:57

If you haven't told anyone then keep it to yourself until your planned 16 weeks. If she could find out from someone else then text her you news so she has time to react privately.

PinkPink1 · 11/11/2022 17:55

I’m nearly 6 weeks and I won’t tell anyone until I’m 12 weeks. Might tell my parents a little sooner. I’ve had a miscarriage before and that was awful. Keep your pregnancy a secret from your friend until you’re ready to tell everyone.

PeanuttyButter · 11/11/2022 22:43

I've miscarried and a friend has been due on the same date. Also miscarried and a family member due 2 weeks later. If she's insisting on meeting I'd tell her before. I would have wanted to know and to grieve before we met up.

TartanGirl1 · 11/11/2022 22:56

That happened to me, my friend phoned and told me she was pregnant as I was miscarrying. We had the same due date.

Would you tell her now if she hasn't miscarried? If yes then tell her if not don't. But I would tell her privately before anyone else does.

I bumped into one of my managers at the fertility clinic. When he announced a while later that his wife was pregnant he told me quietly in the kitchen when no one else was there. No fuss, just quiet and matter of fact. I really appreciated that and respected him.

Yourteaisgettingcold · 12/11/2022 06:48

You weren't planning on telling anyone till 16 weeks so I wouldn't tell her next week while she's dealing with her miscarriage. It'll still be upsetting at 16 weeks but the timing may be better and the message come across better.

Hrf1503 · 12/11/2022 09:24

Totally up to you when you tell her, it will be hard whenever she hears it and you’ll know her best. But when you do, I’d tell her by text so she can process privately and not have to react face to face. Also try not to make assumptions about how she’ll feel about it (she may be devastated, she may be genuinely happy for
you) just let her know and say you’re happy to be led by her and understands if she needs time to process/doesn’t want to meet up. Don’t be surprised or upset if she needs distance, particularly if it’s very recent, but also she might still want to talk to someone who knows what she’s going through regardless of the fact you’re pregnant - that’s why it’s better not to make assumptions. Whatever you do, you’re doing the right thing to be so considerate of her feelings.

Worstworker · 12/11/2022 09:27

I wouldn’t tell her yet if you were planning on waiting until later. Make sure she isn’t the last to know when you do tell her, and perhaps phone or text her with the news first so she has room to react/let emotions out before she sees you face to face.

Overthebow · 12/11/2022 09:28

If you aren’t planning on telling people until 16 weeks then why change that? Just wait until planned to tell everyone.

Curta · 12/11/2022 09:29

You don't have your wonderful news yet, because you're seven weeks, not sixteen.

MassiveSalad22 · 12/11/2022 09:31

Hmm I understand your latest post but I don’t think you can tell her next week.

Friend: devastated by her miscarriage, sad etc
You: ah it’s so awful, I’ve had miscarriages too, just to let you know, I’m 7 weeks pregnant.

no matter how you phrase it, it will come across like that. Tricky situation op!

Overthebow · 12/11/2022 09:32

Conundrum12345 · 11/11/2022 16:49

I've been on the other side where by I found out 2nd hand from people that others were expecting. My own SIL didn't tell us until 6 months and it hurt.

If you aren’t telling people until 16 weeks then she won’t find out second hand.

Aria2015 · 12/11/2022 09:32

Yeah, definitely don't tell her next week. If you've had losses too then she'll understand why you waited telling anyone anyway.

If you wait as planned she'll hopefully be in a happier place, she might even be pregnant again (happened to me).

Just support her as best you can and be there for her.

Luncheonmeatsandwich · 12/11/2022 09:33

I wouldn't tell her yet, but maybe let her know ahead of everyone else. Just acknowledge that it's a shit situation for her.

I've been on the other side of this. I'd just had my second MC and one of my NCT group was so insensitive about her pregnancy. I think she might have even said 'I couldn't wait to tell you'.

B1993 · 12/11/2022 13:23

If you'd plan to wait until 16 weeks I'd stick to that for now. That's over two months away and a lot can happen in that time - she may fall pregnant in the meantime or she may have processed her loss by that point. At 7 weeks you're not needing to hide a bump and it probably won't be obvious to her so I doubt she'd notice and it shouldn't be an issue.

I'd meet with her as planned and just focus on being there for her through her loss. You'll remember how it feels and will be able to offer comfort in that respect. When I had a loss, one of the hardest things was not having anyone to talk to who had been there and some of the responses I got from the people who hadn't felt so dismissive and like a huge slap in the face.

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy! Wishing you all the best and hope your rainbow arrives safely! 🌈💕

ChChange · 12/11/2022 13:45

disconnecteddrifter · 11/11/2022 16:43

It's so hard. Two of my friends fell put about this. Pregnsnt friend didn't tell miscarriage friend who felt she was cruel for not doing so and ssid she felt humiliated. They were best friends before.

I can understand this. Had an early miscarriage and told a friend, who it turned out was pregnant at the time but keeping it from me.

It felt really awful when it came out, like she’d purposefully kept a secret from me. Like you’ve shared your darkest moment with them but they’ve kept their truths back.

It’s going to be awful whenever she knows though OP. I don’t know what the answer is.