'Ours baby'

[emily8889]

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone here has any thoughts on an ‘ours’ baby and would you recommend?

I have two children, age, 3 and 6 and my partner has three, age: 8, 10, 12.

My children are with us 50% of the time and his are every other weekend and a lot in the holidays. He is 43 and I’m early 30s. Luckily, all our five kids get on and love each other and I would say current family dynamics are strong and good.

I do love the idea of an ‘us’ baby for many reasons:

1. Having a child that is ours.
2. One day the thought of of having grandchildren together.
3. Going through the experience with him.

But I can see the negatives too, such as:

1. Doing all the baby stuff again when we are both out the other side.

1. Worried this will have an effect on our relationship .

1. Loosing precious ‘us’ time

1. He’s a bit older, so being an older dad and staring again.

1. How the children might feel.

I really don’t know….but I am still early 30s and I have these phases of still wanting another one and feeling really broody. My partner is more against that for it, but we have quite a lot of unprotected sex and he says, well if it happens, it happens- I will be there for you and we will sort it out together and I will love both of you. However because of the amount of children we have and his age, he’s not really ‘for’ it.

I just wondered what other peoples’ thoughts were on this…..

Thanks!

What's he like as a dad? What's your current set up like? Can you afford another baby? Do you have time to accommodate another child? Do you have space for another child? Why did both your previous relationships end with the people you chose to have children with?

You don't have to answer. Just things to consider.

I think that being responsible for five children is already quite a lot, and you're a happily blended family, so I'd probably make the most of what you already have together.

Oh, but your partner needs to give his head a wobble - he can't say he's against having another child then have unprotected sex.

he doesn't want to & you're not sure - why not wait & see how you feel.

OR keep playing Russian Roulette with contraception...

Men who don't actively want a baby, shouldn't be having unprotected sex & women who don't want to be single parents, shouldn't be letting them.

it's a cop out for men that like the idea of getting a woman pregnant, having a bit more of a hold on her, but contributing fuck all because YOU wanted this baby.

My opinion for what it's worth is that 5 children is enough. You don't need an "ours" baby. You have 5 amazing children and your family dynamics are currently strong - why risk that?

What if you got pregnant and your partner decided he really didn't want another? What if you had a child with severe disabilities? Imagine how this would impact your current children?

I think you have the best of both worlds just now if you have managed to blend two families. That could change with another baby. Or it might be fine.

Either way you need to use protection until you both decide what you want. Your current approach is irresponsible.

Sounds like the negatives outweigh the positives, also a new child could massively change the dynamic between you and your partner or between your kids.

Your main reason for wanting a baby with him is to "have a child that is ours," which just sounds like you want to stake a bigger claim on your partner. Perhaps you feel the mother of his children has a bigger claim on him than you do?

5 children is a lot, and if your youngest is only 3 you can’t have been together that long. It’s your decision but in that position I personally wouldn’t.

If your youngest is three and not your partners, it sounds as though things have moved very quickly in this relationship and I'd be wary of inflicting even more upheaval on the children.

Also, that 12 year old is about to turn into a teenager, and will require more support and supervision, not less.

I echo the other posters - six children would get be pricey as they grow!
And if he's saying "I'll be there for you"...what? Why you, not us?
I do understand the desire to, but I think you will at least have the ´sharing' grandchildren bit, even with just the children you have now.

"we have quite a lot of unprotected sex and he says, well if it happens, it happens"
Don't take that as a 'Yes'.
If you are on MN a lot you'll see the many many threads where a woman has gotten pregnant and then the man is not so keen on the idea.
He's keen at the point of the unprotected shag.
You can't have been together that long if your youngest is only 3.
If you ever split up, then a shared child makes things very very difficult for everyone...especially the shared child.

He needs to sort out contraception if he's against the idea.

You'd be mad. Enjoy the children you have and the relationship you have already.

This.

And five children is surely enough.

One day the thought of of having grandchildren together

If your blended family is a happy one, why wouldn't you be grandparents together?

DH & I both have separated parents. They all have new partners/spouses (who came into our lives when we were teens or in our early 20s). They are DS's grandparents too; he's just very lucky, he gets 8 rather than the usual 4.

Children should be wanted - by both parties. He doesn't want a child. Therefore you both need to sort out your contraception.

Accidents can obviously happen even with contraception, but having unprotected sex with a man who has told you he doesn't want any more children is foolish. (And he is foolish too.)

Go for it!!

if you both want more children and can afford to have them.. do it

The reality is he only has to deal with your kids 50% of his time and then only sees his own 3 a couple of days a fortnight.

The fact that you are both part time parents now and have your own alone together time might be what makes your relationship work now.

Throw a baby into the mix and and it could change things and not in a good way.
You've no way of knowing how your two or his 3 might take to him having a new baby.
When a separated parent has a new baby with a partner, that's a pretty big deal for their existing children.

How many bedrooms do you have? Are you quite high earners and can easily afford an extra mouth to feed? Why on Earth aren’t you using contraception given you aren’t actively and enthusiastically in agreement to ttc?! That’s so irresponsible.

You're not long out of the baby years with a three year old, I’ve got one too.

I wouldn’t worry about his age but knowing he’s not keen on another child I would, it’s the biggest reason not to have one. You’re not sure either.

Don’t be one of those women in a few months saying he’s chucked you because you got pregnant, weren’t using contraception but he was apparently shocked and you assumed he’d come around but won’t. We live in a country with free contraception for men and women, use some while debating this massive life changing decision - for you and all of the many existing children.

But they don't both want more children?

Did you read the OP?

I don't think any child should ever be conceived on a "if it happens, it happens " basis if that's what your other half thinks....and more fool any man who has that casual attitude towards unprotected sex with a broody woman. Children should be actively wanted by both partners unless you are willing to give it a go by yourself. Enjoy what you have, there's lots of good times and memories you can make as a blended family.

Why on Earth aren’t you using contraception given you aren’t actively and enthusiastically in agreement to ttc?! That’s so irresponsible.
That for me is her DH responsibility. He is saying NO to a child but yes to sex with no contraception. He is making his choice and that’s to have a child tbh….

@emily8889 when my dh did that (no child but don’t want to use condom), he admitted later on that he was actually expecting me to have an abortion if I had got pg. Knowing I was really desperate for another child…

So my gut instinct is to be very careful about the ‘I love you and will always be there fur both of you’ declaration….

Re having another child…. I get why. I also get the urge/dream of adding one more child to the child (hormones??)

I wanted a 3rd child. Really really wanted one.
When DH finally had the snip I was devastated (but yes his body, his choice etc….)
Looking back… that decision of having another child was NOT a good idea. Just as much as I longed for another, this wasn’t a rational decision. More of a longing with some rose tinted glasses over it. I’m glad I didn’t get pg then….

Its the pressure of one more child, the cost, the time. Going back to nappies.
For you you’d gave to add handling siblings issues (that child would be the only one living with you two full time) and all the stuff going with it. I’m thinking of all the issues coming with having half siblings etc…..
Plus your DH isn’t keen. That, in itself, is a red flag fur going ahead.

You are in a new relationship, have five young children between you, aren't married, he doesn't want any more kids, you both have experienced relationship breakdowns and you both are happy to shag without contraception because "he'll always love you".

Yeah crack on. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Can you house six children all at once comfortably? Can you afford six children financially and have enough time for each parent to spend with their respective children?

She’s not 100% sure she wants another one either so they’re both equally mad to be having unprotected sex and take such a risk. They have 5 kids between them, they’re both well aware of how babies are made.

She’s walking into the possible fate too many women on here seem to find themselves in wondering why he’s buggered off leaving her pregnant and juggling a handful of kids she may or may not be able to support because aww babies and he was hopefully going to step up.

Men who aren’t sure they want kids or more kids should obviously rubber up. Women with men who aren’t sure they want kids should take equal responsibility or risk getting left holding the baby and all the other existing kids.