Successful pregnancy stories after TFMR

[Lottie2403]

We have recently had to make the heartbreaking decision to go through TFMR after finding out our baby was incredibly poorly and unlikely to make it to term. I went through surgical termination at 18 weeks on Monday and have been lucky so far in terms of recovery (little bleeding or cramping).

As they were a very much longed for baby, we are keen to start TTC as soon as possible. I am filled with fear that the surgery will make it harder for us to conceive in the future.

I guess I am looking for any success stories of healthy pregnancies after TFMR?!

I had a TFMR in September 2021, it took us nearly 2 years to conceive that pregnancy. I devastatingly had to TFMR at 15 weeks due to fatal abnormalities plus a diagnosis of T18.

Less than 6 months later I found out I was pregnant with this baby. I’m 35 weeks and everything is looking perfect. don’t get me wrong, it’s been filled with fear and anxiety at every corner but up to now, I’ve no reason to worry.

Happy to chat via DM if you ever want to get things off your chest, share your worries and anxieties as I know how hard it is. Take care x

Sorry to hear you have been through this OP. I had a TFMR last month and so desperately want to be pregnant again but at the same time I’m still grieving for the baby I lost.

Congratulations @CurlyNo2 it is good to hear your pregnancy is going well. I can imagine it must be a very anxious time but great all is ok with the baby.

@CurlyNo2 what wonderful news for you and I wish you all the best in your current pregnancy! If you don’t mind me asking, how long did you wait before ttc after your loss? Thank you for your kind offer to chat, I will definitely take you up on that! X

@HazyDays81 I am sorry to hear that, it’s so important to take the time to grieve and I am trying hard to think back to all the positive moments that I had in my pregnancy so we remember the joy as well as the heartache. I feel so empty and desperate for that feeling of a little one in my tummy again! I am going to wait for my first period to begin tracking ovulation etc but I am hoping that the “fertility boost” the nurse said I will experience will work in our favour x

Thank you @Lottie2403 It does get easier as the days go by but all of a sudden it seems to hit me and my emotions are all over the place. You’re right it is important to remember all the positive moments. I too have that awful feeling of emptiness.

I’m glad your recovery is going well so far. I had a medical termination at 17+3 and physically it took around 10 days to feel more myself again.

I believe they recommend waiting for your first period before TTC but not sure if that’s so they can date the pregnancy. My period arrived just under 5 weeks after the TFMR. Do you know if the fertility boost is due to pregnancy hormones?
x

@HazyDays81 My hormones are taking a while to settle and I am still very tired but that is still from the general anaesthetic and the sleepless nights before the surgery I think! I felt a huge sense of calm and peace when I left but at times I am left in tears, especially when looking at the little footprints that are so perfect and beautiful.

I was told that because I have been pregnant, my body is geared up and currently working to support a pregnancy with the hormones etc. The reason I was told about the “fertility boost” is because the clinic recommend using double contraception in the 3 months after if the termination was elective because your body is “extra fertile”. As we are ttc we won’t be going back on it.

I was also told to continue taking pregnancy vitamins as opposed to conception vitamins! X

@Lottie2403 I'm so sorry you're going through this 💔 I had a tfmr in June after the 12 week scan (where I was dated 13+1) showed a number of abnormalities. Unfortunately they didn't think our baby was going to survive to term so I had medical management at 14+6. The consultant recommended 5mg folic acid for three months before ttc again so although it felt like forever, we waited. I got pregnant again the first cycle of trying and I'm currently 6+6. A huge surprise considering it had taken us 19 months to get pregnant beforehand. I haven't opted for an early scan so I don't know how things are progressing but am hoping this little bean is our rainbow 🌈

If you or @HazyDays81 ever want to message, like @CurlyNo2 , feel free to reach out. Sending lots of love and hope 💕 x

Hello, so sorry you are having to go on this journey @Lottie2403 and @HazyDays81. We had a surgical TFMR at 23 weeks in Aug 2021due to a very poorly daughter. I have yet to lose anyone close to me so this was my first experience of grief and I found it incredibly difficult, made so much worse by hormones and my milk coming in (my midwife promised me it wouldn’t so didn’t give me any meds to prevent it). Also, let’s be honest, it a blooming shite situation!!

We are now 26 weeks pregnant and it has been tough going through the pregnancy experience again. I sadly do not trust scans as we had five positive scans and only one negative which proved to be correct so I really struggle with trusting anyone in the medical profession this time round but we are under the most wonderful consultant who spends ages trying to settle my many questions and fears. My suggestion would be not to rush getting pregnant (but I am fully aware we didn’t wait and I wouldn’t have listened!). I would suggest a good counsellor, I found getting my first period after particularly upsetting and that was the first and only time I contacted ARC - apparently quite common for the first period to be bring up such emotions.

wishing you the very best xxxx

Ps, our consultant told us the extra fertile thing is a myth and the reason couples are more fertile after loss is simply because they are trying harder - try not to worry too much if it doesn’t happen immediately (Again I wouldn’t have listened!).

@Quokka7 I am sorry to hear what happened to you in June. That’s interesting about the 5mg of folic acid, did your consultant give a reason for this (if you don’t mind me asking!). Wonderful news that you are expecting, I have everything crossed for you that this is your rainbow baby 😘I spoke with a bereavement midwife who said that part of the grief is about learning to trust your body again. It sounds like you are doing this so well done you!

@Dueinjan23 thank you for sharing your story, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter and that you had to go through your milk coming in, it sounds incredibly traumatic on top of an already horrendous experience. Congratulations on your pregnancy and so glad to hear you are under the care of such a great consultant! I have had the most amazing bereavement midwife who has been giving me counselling since getting the diagnosis of our baby. Like you, I had/have a million questions and It’s so reassuring having someone who takes the time to answer them for you. I can’t fault the care I have received from my hospital, they have offered counselling now and all the way through the pregnancy of our next baby (if we are lucky enough to get pregnant again). Sending you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy x

Thank you all, it’s so reassuring hearing stories of women who have been through the same thing. It gives you a bit of comfort in what can feel like an incredibly lonely time! Xx

I am so, so sorry for your loss 💔 TFMR is such a heartbreaking way to lose a baby, but it is the most selfless act a parent can make.
I had a TFMR last June with my first baby. We discovered at 27 weeks that there was fluid on his brain, and at 32 weeks he was very severely brain damaged, so he was born sleeping at 33 weeks 💙
We started trying again around September time and fell pregnant in December 2021 (a year to the day we found out we were expecting our son). But when I was 8 weeks pregnant we discovered I carry a mosaic genetic condition that I had passed to my son causing his brain damage. We were given a 50/50 that our daughter would have the same condition. We had a CVS at 12 weeks and our daughter does not have the genetic condition 💖
She's now 10 weeks old and the most beautiful, clever, happy little girl! We talk to her about her big brother all of the time, and as she gets older we will continue to tell her about him.
It's terrifying being pregnant after loss, but there is so much support our there. I'm not sure where you're based, but Tommy's is unbelievable and you can asked to be referred for additional reassurance scans by doctors that know how to talk to loss parents they and are amazing!
Good luck OP 💖

Thank you @Dueinjan23 @Lottie2403 @CurlyNo2 @HazyDays81 @Quokka7 for sharing your stories and wishing you all the best for your babies and pregnancy journeys. I found this forum while looking for support. I had a TFMR 5 days ago at 18 weeks and just trying to find some positivity to keep me going.

Our baby boy Marley had severe ventricularmegaly (a lot of fluid on his brain) along with developmental issues with his facial features and the consultant agreed TMFR was the best route (even though I read they are supposed to be impartial I’m glad she was not as it felt like less of my decision to make)

If any of you have any advice on how you got through those first few weeks that would be greatly appreciated! I have incredibly supportive family and friends and the midwife’s have also been amazing but they still don’t know exactly how I’m feeling like you ladies do.

X

So sorry you’re going through this @Lizzie0. For me I needed lots of rest, and to just work through all my feelings over a period of time. I found that family and friends struggled to be supportive despite best intentions, they just didn’t get it. Try to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling as much as possible and understand how they are feeling, you don’t need to be on exactly the same page but you do need to have an idea of where they are at mentally. Sending lots of love. Take your time 💛

Thank you @Thelongwayround

Rest has been a little hard given the time of year but I’ve been great full for the distractions even though Christmas has obviously not felt joyful this year.

My husband has been great (better than I would have expected) as he tends to suppress his feelings! He wants to try again as soon as possible (which is how I stumbled across this forum) which I’m in agreement of and this chat has helped knowing when we can start TTC again.

Do you know of of any UK based support avenues you can recommend?

x

Definitely ARC (antenatal results and choices). I haven’t used them myself but lots of people say they are great.

In terms of trying again I felt able to go quite quickly, to me a new pregnancy was very separate to the one I had lost and I could continue grieving the old one while still looking forward. But I would also say that emotions were heightened and I found unsuccessful months extremely hard. Others would want to wait longer. My DH needed a bit longer than me to start trying again, the same when we had an MMC a few months later.

Now pregnant again, ten weeks and everything crossed…

I’m so sorry for your loss @Lizzie0

ARC helped me massively with my loss, also the bereavement team at my maternity hospital. ARC have an online forum if you don’t feel up to speaking to an individual just yet. They can also partner you up with a support person who has suffered a loss at the same gestation as you where you can call or text if you ever needed to talk.

In the first few weeks, all I wanted to do was to talk about it but I didn’t actually have the words or know what to say. That’s when I emailed ARC to get everything off my chest. Those initial weeks are tough and you feel like you will never recover from the trauma, but I promise you it gets easier. You’ll Never forget about baby Marley but you learn to cope and accept that you made the decision (although I don’t feel like it is ever a decision when the outcome is so grave) based out of love we have for our babies.

Also, on the days you feel ok, don’t feel guilty. I made the mistake of beating myself up as I started to come out the other side. It gets easier, please be gentle with yourself. You’ve suffered a huge trauma.

In terms of TTC, I agree that I was very fertile following the loss. My recent pregnancy was riddled with anxiety due to the TFMR, so bad that I was under the perinatal mental health team as I struggled to accept that things could be ok. Thankfully they were and I’m not cuddled up to my 5 week old baby boy.

Take care and I’m always here if you want to chat either on the thread or in private x

Dear @Lizzie0
i am so sorry you are going through this but pleased be reassured that you will get through this. I had many a dark day where I felt like I wouldn’t ever be able to laugh or talk like I had done before.

In the early days I would go for walks and listen to podcasts and I listened to the two audible books by Elle who runs the Feathering the empty nest blogs - these were life savers. I just needed to be reminded that I wasn’t alone - my husband was unlike yours and threw himself into work as he needed the normality but this meant I spent a lot of time alone which could be quite bad for my thoughts. The worst girl gang ever do a great podcast too with some focused on TFMR.
Just try to take a day at a time, or an hour at a time. I found with a TFMR I didn’t feel I fitted in as we had “opted” to end our pregnancy but I remember being told “you will carry this horrendous pain so your baby doesn’t have to”.
Be kind to yourself xxx

Thank you all for your lovely caring replies 💞 so lovely to hear your successes post TFMR.

@CurlyNo2 I can very much resonate with wanting to speak about it but not knowing where to start or find the right words. I have contacted ARC so hopefully this can be a helpful avenue 🤞🏻💙 I take your advice whole heartedly on the days where you feel OK, I feel guilty about thinking about trying again so soon but it feels like the only thing I can focus on like the light at the end of the tunnel. Congratulations on your little boy 💙💙

@Dueinjan23 thanks for the podcast and audio book recommendations - Im dyslexic so listening is so much easier than reading too - my husband is a massive podcast advocate too so he will like this one. I’ve had moments where is feels like im just doing hour by hour - yesterday on Christmas Day felt particularly this way. I’ve not heard the quote you shared yet but this had me in tears, thank you for sharing that 💞

@Thelongwayround wishing you the best in your pregnancy. I definitely found comfort in the way you have explained still morning your last baby while celebrating your new one. This makes me feel less guiltily about thinking to TTC again 💞

Xxx

@Lizzie0 I'm so sorry for your loss. My son also has severe ventriculomegaly which we discovered was the result of strokes and seizures. Our tfmr was last June.
Be kind to yourself. It is the most loving decision a parent can make, though it doesn't feel it at the time ❤️

Thank you @Bubbles021 I'm sorry for what you went through, so lovely to hear you now have a perfect little girl.

They have explained the risk of this mosaic condition for us too and we will have the genetic testing, but the time to wait for the results is a lot longer than we want to wait to try again, they have said is a low chance but then I feel like we have been the worst side of the statistic so far in the journey (I also had a miscarriage at 6 weeks in the summer) so it’s hard to not think there is a higher risk.

Thank you for your kind words they really mean a lot xx

Had a tmfr at 24wks due to hypoplast8c left heart syndrome and hydrocephalus last October which broke our family. I write this currently 18wks pregnant with our rainbow baby who does not have what our darling boy had as confirmed by early anomaly scan and will be double checked at 20wk scan. I fell pregnant in August 10 months after my tmfr

@ArrrMeHearties thank you for sharing your loss, and how long you waited to try again. So happy to hear your current pregnancy is going well 💞

My son had HLHS too. I had him at 21 weeks last 29th May. We started trying after the 3 months waited and still hasn't happened. Reading you has gave me hope. Every period takes me into a deep pain. It make me think I'll never going to get pregnant again. Sending you love though the rest of your pregnancy x

Hello @Lizzie0 , I am sorry I haven’t been active for a while. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, it’s truly heartbreaking. You are already doing amazing by reaching out and talking about it on here, I found it such a help just talking to other women who have been through the same thing!
one thing I can tell you is that time is a healer. ‘Normal’ life has carried me through and it has really helped with understanding and coping with what has happened. I am incredibly lucky that my hospital has offered me bereavement counselling which has been hugely beneficial. Possibly you could ask your hospital or midwife about this?

In terms of trying again, you mustn’t feel guilty. I too feel that it will help my healing having another baby. I’m wishing you all the luck and sending you a huge hug! I have promised myself to keep in contact here for the new year and follow along with other journey’s 💕 xx

@Bubbles021 thank you so much for replying to me, I am sorry it has taken me so long to reply back to you - I had a bit of a switch off!

I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking story but it is wonderful to hear that you have a beautiful and healthy baby in your arms now. It’s so precious you are keeping their memory alive, that’s so important. Thank you for sharing your story with me, it’s so wonderfully reassuring to hear these stories for someone who is ttc again 💕 x

Thank you so much @Lottie2403 💞 it really is comforting hearing from people who have been through the same thing.

With “normal life” things - I’m signed off till jan 16th, how soon after your TMFR did you return to work? I feel anxious about going back especially as everyone knew about the pregnancy and I work in a big company too.

I have been urgent mot refered for bereavement counciling but yet to hear anything back yet (I do appreciate it’s only been a matter of days)

I find myself in deep Google holes when I’m struggling most, I know the answer is wait till after your first period but I just have this desperation to find something that says it’s ok to try straight away. I feel like I just need my mind on something positive and looking forward. Without forgetting our lost baby Marley obviously 💙💙