How do you know if motherhood is for you?

[Sami32]

Yes, that's what I am wondering...obviously once the decision is made to have a child, you can't reverse this, but how did you know that it's for you?

Those of you who are very happy mums, did you always have a strong maternal instinct, and a 'awww, how cute' reaction when you see other people's babies? Or was it just different when it was your baby?

And would having a baby when you're struggling a bit with anxiety (not in a way that requires an immediate intervention, but I do struggle at times) and are naturally an over-worrier be a bad idea? I am worried about the impact it might have on my mental health, I'm holding it together alright at the moment, but partly because I live a very stress free life.

I always knew I wanted kids but I wouldn't say I was very maternal before I had them. I didn't know what to do with other people's babies, I thought they were cute but I really just wanted one of my own.

When I did have my own it was like a maternal instinct just appeared and I felt like some mother earth type!

I struggle with anxiety and it did get worse when I had a newborn but it was manageable and having a baby to cuddle more than made it worth it. I was terrified that I'd spend every second worrying and having anxiety attacks but that only really happened when I was very tired and the rest of the time it was like being in a lovely little bubble. The anxiety eased off as they got older and now I'm much more relaxed with a toddler! It's been really hard but also really amazing.

I hope you figure out what's right for you.

I always wanted babies from a young age, and yes, was very much ‘aww, cute look at that baby’ with other people babies. I loved it if I was able to hold or look after someone’s baby. Saying that, I think having your own children isn’t the rose-tinted version of family life that you see pre-kids. It’s hard work being a parent and I think that must be harder if you aren’t already the type who longs for a child before you have them. I base that on the fact that people I’ve known in my life who weren’t bothered about having DC before they had them seem the most resentful/stressed mothers.

I was strongly against the idea of having children until I was about 25, and then felt I really did want a child specifically with my husband. So we had a baby, and I went through a long and appalling adjustment period during which I was convinced it was all a dreadful mistake. But things can come right, even if it doesn't feel that way for at the beginning, or even for quite a long time afterwards. Our first baby is now 9, and she and her younger sibling are a complete delight to us -- we love them overwhelmingly and couldn't imagine our lives without them. My favourite part of being a parent is the thinking part: figuring out how to try and help them make sense of their experiences and the world around them.

Thank you for sharing your insights! It's such a big decision, I find it a bit scary. I like the idea of starting a family, but honestly, I'm also terrified that I might not have the 'right' personality to be a good mother. When I went to the park with my friends before they had their own children, they always went 'awww, so cute, I'd so want to cuddle this baby and can't wait to have one' when we saw another woman with a child. I never was too bothered. And now they have children, and when I hold their baby I'm more like 'oh yes, cute, hi baby, now take it back'. 😂So I'm a bit confused if I'm just not too excited about other people's babies, or if this means I don't have a maternal instinct.

Always knew I wanted them but wasn't ever overly gushy about other people's babies. It's so different when they are your own. I was an anxious person too but I'm too tired to be anxious about anything now! It's all gone away since having children but now I feel more complete so perhaps that's why.

To be honest the "best" mums and I know were the not very maternal pre kids ones who thought they'd struggle but didn't. The ones that have struggled the most were the more maternal ones who expected that it would come easy to them

I was always very maternal. I worked with children from being a teenager and still do. I loved holding other people's newborns. Once dh and I married and started to try for a child it became an intense longing, an actual physical ache for my own baby. It took 4 years but we finally blessed with our beautiful son. Pregnancy was one of the most happiest periods of my life. Our son is 17 now and I have genuinely loved every moment of motherhood and still do. He's a lovely boy and we are a very close, happy little family.

I didn’t want children, was never maternal in the slightest. Had DD at 41 after a last minute change of heart and bloody love it. I just love everything about it.
But I am still completely meh about other people’s kids-slightly more interested than I was before but it’s only mine that I enjoy.
I occasionally get a bit upset that I nearly didn’t have DD and was lucky to conceive her easily.

I’m not sure what drove my change of mind, I just suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about it at 39 and at 40 took the plunge.

Oh @Rutland2022 you sound like me! I'm 39 and I could have written exactly what you said...glad that it worked out for you!

And lovely to hear so many positive stories on here how having a baby was a good decision for you, I'm happy for all of you!

Not neccesarily. I am very maternal, always was and very experienced with babies and children. I love pregnancy, every moment of being a mum and still do. I never struggled with any of it and was a dream come true for me finally becoming a mother.

Different for everyone I guess.

I never wanted children. Not at all maternal. For various reasons we did (have 2) and I love them dearly, of course, and in no way regret them. But I’m not a natural mother and struggle with being one sometimes.

I hated other people's children and had no desire to have my own, then I married a man with a daughter and went on to have my own. My mental health has never been better since having DD, it's like you don't have the time to stress, worry or feel down.
I do get anxious still but not over little things that I used to, more like normal first time parent anxiety (spending all night looking in the cot of a newborn to see if they are breathing) and sometimes anxiety about my DD who is now a toddler l, things like finance, world events, what her future will be like, but this is in no way crippling anxiety which I used to experience before having her.

I’m very uninterested in other people’s children. And I never had the “yearning” to have children.
But I knew I wanted children and I’m happy with my decision - he’s still only a toddler though.

I’ve never had very bad anxiety but have been anxious sometimes. Having a child hasn’t made it worse. It’s a different pace of life when you’re on maternity leave. And now I’m back at work 4 days it’s nice to have the balance between both.

I've never been maternal. I liked playing with friends kids from toddler age onwards but babies never interested me. I it wasn't until I met my partner that I decided I wanted a family. When I was pregnant I did worry about my lack of 'maternal instinct' but now he's here I love him more than I ever thought possible and I just feel so lucky to have him.

Not a mum yet, but 34 weeks pregnant- I always wanted/imagined I would heave children in the future, always in about ten years' time up until I got to the age where I realised I probably didn't have another ten years left! Ate that point I did a lot of soul-searching- i questioned whether it was something I really wanted, or whether I'd been conditioned to think I did. I also have a history of anxiety and worried/still worry I won't cope. What made my decision was imagining myself as an old lady and thinking about what I regret/be grateful for looking back in my life and realised I didn't want to look back on a life where I'd not been a mother (or at least tried to be a mother- we ended up needing ivf to conceive and for a while I thought it wouldn't happen anyway, but needed to give it a good go)
I am getting support with my anxiety, which has ramped up recently - hopefully I will feel like it was the right thing when I am an old lady!

This sounds like me, I was never interested in having children or looking after other peoples children.
Currently 16 weeks pregnant at 36 years old after suddenly deciding last year that I really wanted one. We waited until this year to start trying just in case I changed my mind but I didn’t. Now I can’t wait to meet my baby.

Was never hugely maternal, deep down I suppose I always imagined I would have children but not sure why (societal expectations probably) but I think I would have coped ok had it not happened.

DD is nearly 2 now and although it's hard it's genuinely the best thing I've done. The look of sheer delight and unbridled joy that children have has restored some faith in humanity from an old cynic. Watching them develop and learn new skills is far more interesting than I imagined and it constantly changes.

I didn’t know motherhood was for me until I became a mum. I was crap with kids and felt like I needed to feign and interest in babies before I did.

I remember seeing myself in a shop mirror holding my daughter on my hip and think “OMG! I look like an actual mum and no one would know that I have impostor syndrome about it”

As the years have gone by I have got better at it and more into it and I keep loving it more and more. Best thing that ever happened to me.

1. Do you love spending time with children?

1. Are you willing and happy and ready to put your life on hold for an extended period of time? Give up most of the things you enjoy, put yourself last? That's not me being obnoxious, but the answer to this HAS to be yes otherwise you will end up resentful.

If yes to both then go for it, you will likely make a good mum but your anxiety will definitely take a hit.

@HarryBat i didn’t “love spending time with children” and I wasn’t prepared to put my life on hold for an extended period either. It just crept up on me and turned out that way.

I used to be quite anxious and had a big depression some years ago, so I was put on CBT when I was pregnant- they were so worried it would be a case of PND. I spent my pregnancy worried that I wouldn’t be ready, wouldn’t bond, etc, etc. However, when I had the baby I felt a little bit of sweet peace where all that angst had been - I felt subtly but deeply complete- and the CBT therapist was so happy when I said my fears had been groundless, he announced he had a baby on the way. I realise that my bleak wanging on had made him nervous about becoming a dad - poor fella.

I confess though I had to completely cut out current affairs and stuff - had to avoid the news for years- I felt so worried about the world I was bringing my little ones into, but now I am good. I think motherhood cured a lot of my mental health issues. I think we are biologically driven to become parents and if we don’t fulfil those instincts we don’t even recognise are unfulfilled in us, we can become depressed.

"...and when I hold their baby I'm more like 'oh yes, cute, hi baby, now take it back'. 😂So I'm a bit confused if I'm just not too excited about other people's babies, or if this means I don't have a maternal instinct."

I was like that. It's completely different having your own baby though. I absolutely adore mine but I still don't like other people's babies 😆

What a load of shite.

1. I don’t love spending time with children. I love spending time with my child.
2. I haven’t given up anything at all and my life is definitely not on hold. No resentment here at all. Yes DD comes first but I still do everything I did before too, just some of it less often or a bit differently.

@Rutland2022 you must have a decent amount of childcare options/ family help then

@Rutland2022 my point stands, you do what you want, but less often and differently. You're obviously fine with that, which is great! That's what I meant in my post. You were ready and willing for that and you are a good mum who enjoys motherhood because of it. Others might not be.

I was like you and didn't have strong feelings either way. In hindsight I eventually did it out of blind faith that it must be wonderful because so many people did it.. MY daughter turned out to be an extremely difficult baby (colic, silent reflux, wind) and I hated it for a long time. I do love her but I can equally say that I can see how I could be having a perfectly lovely child free life in a parallel universe somewhere. Its not been all its hyped up to be, for me, and I say that as someone who deeply loves and cares for her kid. Personally I would say that unless you know you really want a child, don't do it. It's hard and there's no turning back. Children deserve the absolute best of us.