How do you know if motherhood is for you?

[Sami32]

Yes, that's what I am wondering...obviously once the decision is made to have a child, you can't reverse this, but how did you know that it's for you?

Those of you who are very happy mums, did you always have a strong maternal instinct, and a 'awww, how cute' reaction when you see other people's babies? Or was it just different when it was your baby?

And would having a baby when you're struggling a bit with anxiety (not in a way that requires an immediate intervention, but I do struggle at times) and are naturally an over-worrier be a bad idea? I am worried about the impact it might have on my mental health, I'm holding it together alright at the moment, but partly because I live a very stress free life.

I didn’t want kids until a few years after I’d met my husband. He always wanted kids and I knew he’d be an amazing dad so I started warming to the idea too. But I’ve always had pets and really ‘mothered’ my dog so that nurturing instinct was always around, just directed at cute furry friends rather than children. I’m still not overly keen on other people’s kids and don’t have a clue how to interact with children that are older than mine who is 5 months as I’ve never really had much experience being around small kids. But this little bundle that we’ve created is the best thing in the world! He doesn’t sleep and needs pretty constant attention and interaction so it’s hard work, and sometimes I want to return him and get my money back, but mostly I’m just really excited about watching him grow and learn new things!

I don’t feel like my life has been put on hold. Things are just different now and require more planning. I think that’s helped by my work situation being quite flexible and I was pretty bored of my job anyway so I don’t feel like my career has had to take a back seat as I didn’t really have any career aspirations to begin with, I’m happy to take a break and possibly not go back at all. I had to take a break from going to the gym due to physical recovery but am back now, I meet with friends for lunch, and have made new friends with similar age kids to go on walks and coffee dates with. Holidays will be different for a while but also in some ways having a kid is forcing us to get more creative about holidays, because we want to show him all the best things. For example we haven’t been skiing for nearly 10 years but I’m so excited to take my son when he’s old enough! Or go on a safari again, take him camping, surfing, riding a bike through Scandinavian towns…

I was always on the fence about kids, I was never against them but I wouldn't have been bothered if I never had any. I was never really around babies much and have never had an overwhelming desire to fuss over them.
My husband liked the idea of being a Dad so I agreed to try for a family with him. Only when trying did I realise how much I actually wanted to get pregnant.
Fast forward, and I now have 2 girls and they are the best thing I've ever done (I wish I hadn't been so reluctant and had them earlier) it's hard and I may not always get it right as a mother but my god I love them with every inch of my being and they bring me so much joy. I could never have imagined it would be like this for me. I honestly think it is different having your own vs being around someone else's baby.
Also, as an anxiety sufferer myself while it's still a part of who I am, I've come a long way in terms of managing my anxiety for the sake of my girls. I try not to worry about things outside of my control or think too far ahead or overthink the small things and I tend to just get on with things and take each day as it comes. I think my mind is too busy with the kids to let anxieties take control any more.

DD goes to nursery so we can work, no family help at all. My DH isn’t a twat though and does 50/50 childcare/house.

When I say less often/differently- the only thing I do less of is that I ride my horse 3-4 times a week instead of 5-6 and we don’t have a cleaner anymore as can’t afford it. Otherwise we do exactly the same things as we used to just with added softplay and kids parties in the mix. Oh, and I guess I drink a bit less but that’s no bad thing as I used to overdo it regularly. Not exactly the biggest hardships.
The sense of responsibility is life changing, but practically speaking it’s not any different at all. DD has just slotted in and is happy doing whatever we do, she was asleep in my stable while I mucked out at 3 days old and last weekend she “helped” DH do DIY. Yes we do activities and things for her too but it’s not stopped us doing all our usual things too. No one has had to become a martyr.

What is it you can’t do with a child?

I think the reality of having a baby is ambivalence. You both love them so much and would never be without them. At the same time, it is a great responsibility and burden and sacrifice, and shakes things up in your marriage/relationship and you have to try to cope with that together ... and there will be times when you really hate being a mother.

It's not realistic to be a 100% happy mum 100% of the time.

That said I would still say it is the best thing I ever did. Not because it 100% bliss all the time but because I grew and developed so much, as did my relationship with DH,
as a result and my children bring joy and purpose.

Thank you, I'm really grateful to you all for sharing your experiences!

I guess the “simple” answer is you just don’t know.
I’m 38, only felt at 36 I might want a child and now have a 5 month old (I realise how lucky I am that it all went so smoothly). Until 36 I didn’t want children. My husband was on the fence but comfortable with the fact i didn’t want them. Something changed for me, we discussed and now we have a baby. It all feels very surreal.
I have never been a “baby person”, still don’t find children very interesting apart from ones I am related to or whose parents are my friends (I get a huge kick out of getting to know my friends children, I love it).
i have found these 5 months incredibly tough BUT also absolutely amazing. I love my son and being a mother to him so much.
i will say I still wouldn’t want to have a baby with just anyone- I wanted mine and my husbands baby and not a baby at all costs or anything.

Motherhood is not what I expected but I can’t really explain how. It’s harder in many ways but also better. All the cliches about it being the hardest but best job are actually true for me so far.
All you can do is make a decision and run with it. You won’t know how you feel until you do!

No, I was never into children, they were not interesting for me at all. I never played with them, I never wanted to hold them and never did until I had mine at 39! I love my one to bits and I’m crazy about her! Still not really interested in other babies and kids, except mine 🤷‍♀️. She makes me very happy and she is a real blessing!

Never wanted children, no maternal leanings. Then had DD at 41 after a last minute change of heart-bloody love it. Still zero interest in other people’s kids though.
I’m a huge overthinker but DD has actually made me calmer. Pregnancy brought out the best in me, but I had no way of knowing that. I trusted my gut though.

Absolutely second this! Obviously different for everyone but I have also been completely maternal most of my life and my goodness did I struggle to adjust when my son was born. He is 1 now and I still struggle (just to add I love him dearly) My sister on the other hand, never maternal, doesn't like anyones kids, just took everything in her stride.

@Rutland2022 I'm with you there. Didn't know how I felt until I discovered that I'd struggle to conceive, due to unrelated tests. It hit me like a sledgehammer. Finally had a baby with IVF and it has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. It felt like postnatal elation. I genuinely love it in a way I didn't know was possible. Would I feel that way if I'd conceived naturally at 26? I hope so, but I'll never know. Still not maternal about other people's kids though!