Worried about telling my dad I'm pregnant

[jp24]

I (28F) am anxious about telling my dad I'm pregnant. We're currently waiting to find out for sure via blood test. I am married, have a well-paid, stable job and a good career, and own a home with my husband.

My parents also get on well with my husband, but despite all this, when I moved out, when we got engaged and then married, my dad found it very difficult and did not make it easy. I am the baby of the family by 10+ years and he and I are extremely close.

Logically, I know that whatever his initial response is, my dad will come around and love the baby, but I'm anxious about his initial reaction, and him questioning us as to whether this is too soon. I know I can politely tell him it's our life and we made the choice to do this, but just don't want to have to deal with any negativity. It would also really upset my husband if he doesn't take this well, as he's already dealt with a lot of misdirected emotion from him at other key stages of our life.

It's easy to tell myself what to say to him if he's not positive and supportive, and to push it aside because his opinion doesn't matter, but I still can't stop feeling anxious about it and keep waking up in the night worrying about it. Any advice on how to handle this?

Tell him over the phone so that he has time to warm up and be happy for you when you next visit?

I did think about this but that wouldn't be normal behaviour for us, especially as they live close by and we see them regularly. I feel like I should behave exactly as I would if I fully expected him to be overjoyed, plus I know my mum will be, it's her first grandchild and I wouldn't want to deprive her of that moment.

What exactly are you worried his initial reaction will be? Anger? Sadness? Shouting?

Oh I worried about this SO much. I'm actually the eldest of 5 but still was always a Daddy's girl and I was dreadfully anxious that he would think I was making a mistake/was too young/would be disappointed etc. He always used to make comments about how he hoped I would live my life and not have children before 30 etc. When I told him he did actually have to rearrange his face quite quickly (pretty sure I saw my stepmum kick him under the table) but he came round to the idea of being a Grandpa so quickly, and now DD is a toddler they are super close and I love seeing them together.

I think you just need to be firm that you are very excited, breezily ignore any notion that he doesn't agree and wait until he comes around (which he will).

Good luck OP.

This sounds quite unhealthy. You are married, live in your own home and quite frankly an adult. There's nothing for him to come to terms with. It's none of his business! Don't indulge him, it only encourages this unhealthy dynamic.

He’s not a shouter, but he wouldn’t hide his disappointment easily. I’m concerned about him expressing that he thinks I should wait until I’m in my 30s and generally showing he’s put out and concerned. Then I know there would be follow up calls to ask if I’m sure this is what I want, etc. He’s always calm but very good about making me feel like I’ve made bad choices. Then when I try to explain my thought process he says I’m justifying things. I have tried to dissect our relationship with a therapist before, I promise!

This is raising red flags for me. Have you heard of enmeshment? It’s not reasonable or normal for a dad to angry or sad about his adult, married daughter having a baby.

See attached image

You're 28 and married not 16 and dropping out of school.

I'm a little baffled as to why this is such an issue. If he reacts negatively you just tell him you and your DH are adults and you're happy to be starting a family together.

Personally, if he's likely to spoil the moment for your mum, tell her first over the phone and then go and visit a day or two later.

Tell him straight up "I've got some wonderful news that I'm absolutely thrilled about and I don't want to see or hear any negativity, because this is the best moment of my life - I'm having a baby!"

Breadcrumb it. Start little hints, find out what his thoughts on grandchildren are. If you’re out somewhere together, comment on how cute the baby is if you see one when you’re out together. Slowly let the thought of babies settle in and when you have your first scan and know your pregnancy is progressing well (no one ever likes to think it won’t, and I’m sure everything will be lovely and healthy for you, but this way you can be pretty certain there will definitely be a baby coming before you tell him) then just make a nice, joyous occasion about telling your parents! I was worried about my dad’s reaction, in the end I got my ex partner to tell him over the phone. His response was “oh dear, these things happen, congratulations” and from there he was excited if not a bit worried because unlike you I was in a relatively new relationship, in my early 20s, unmarried, in a tiny rented house and still at university! You need to tell him one way or another, do whatever you feel will soften it the most for him and this is just my personal opinion and there are many more ways you could do it, read through everyone on here first and go from there. You’re close with him - you’ll be fine!

In your situation, stable and married, I would say a father not happy his DD is pregnant would be a very odd individual indeed. His reaction (if it is as you say it will be) is quite abnormal and his 'attachment' to you downright strange and uncomfortable.

you are an adult in a stable relationship. Start rethinking yours and his boundaries and relationship.

Imo your df never will want confirmation his little dd has had sex!!

I'm with this. The situation is not normal and very strange.

This. Its absolutely the logical and expected next step that a married couple might try to start a family and its your life, first and foremost. Do you feel like you have a right to your own life, OP? Genuine question.

Whatever happens with your dad’s reaction, I think this baby is going to be really good for you, OP. I too was heavily over invested in my parents’ opinions of me - am very interested in the stuff on enmeshment above! - and found having my own children really liberating. It was like I was finally a grown up and had to put my own family first.

God, don't pander to it. He's a grown man who can control his (quite frankly) odd reactions to his adult daughter's life choices. Go in strong, "we're having a baby and we're bloody delighted, bet you can't wait to he a grandpa" etc etc.

Weirdly I was also worried about my dads reaction and got my mum to tell him both times. Do you think it’s some weird reaction to him knowing you’ve had sex? I wonder whether that was why I felt so weird about it. Anyway he was delighted for me ♥️

This is not the case, in most aspects my parents are incredibly open. I was always encouraged to think for myself and do exactly what I wanted, and they always welcomed me challenging their opinion or taking risks. They are extremely hands off with most things. They have other children between them (my half siblings) who made a lot of mistakes and have been bailed out of bad situations time and time again, and because I have always been the ‘good’ child and my dad and I are much closer than my siblings, I think he finds it hard to accept my major milestones. He’s in his mid 70s and I know struggles with fears of his own mortality. Because of all these things I don’t know how he will react. He may be delighted, especially as our relationship and with my husband has been excellent for the last few years. I just cannot shake the anxiety around telling him and that’s what I’m asking about.

Sorry, OP, you can’t one one hand say they were open, encouraged you to challenge, take risks etc and then on the other that he’s ‘very good about making me feel like I’ve made bad choices’.

Or rather, you can say that, but you might need more therapy if you can’t see that that doesn’t make sense.

I could post a long and lengthy explanation about the journey of my relationship with my dad and the therapy we’ve both been through and the things we’ve been more open about with each other over the last few years, but that would be excessive and not very interesting for everyone.

The imbalance IS something I’m aware of, it’s something we’ve both been working on, we’ve identified a lot of the reasons behind it, but it’s still a recent process and he’s not perfect, so I am not anticipating him being able to control his response to the news that effectively based on past experience. As mentioned in my original post, I have no doubt we’ll be able to get past whatever happens due to the work we’ve been doing together, but I am not able to control my anxiety around it regardless of knowing that. As I said, I can talk myself through the logic of it as much as I want, but am still experiencing physical anxiety effects and cannot seem to stop worrying about it.

I think that you need to stop worrying. You know he loves you & you know he'll love your baby. He's your Dad, he's allowed to worry that you're too young/it's too soon/it'll change your dynamic/whatever.

you know your mum will be thrilled! So decide how you want to surprise her and just give your dad some time to come to terms with his feelings.

We're currently waiting to find out for sure via blood test

A complete aside here as it’s been a while since I was pregnant but just wondering if blood tests were normal now to confirm pregnancy?!

I think if you know your mum will be pleased but your dad will be odd, I’d tell her first so she’s on side! Maybe she will help you understand what his problem is!!

I mean... you speak of a man who loves you very dearly, but if he loves you that dearly surely his instinct would be to return your joy and put on a happy face for you? If i were you i'd just treat it as the wonderful thing it is, ignore any negativity, dont start a discussion about it, dont ask how he's feeling - dont give it any room is what im saying. Focus on your mums reaction, not his!

I think it's very sad that what should be an exciting time for you is being shadowed by the worry about your dad's probable (and very odd) reactions to it. You're a grown woman having a baby in a perfectly normal/good situation to do so - not only is it not for him to be disapproving of, it's really worrying that you can't see how strange it is.

I found your post genuinely quite upsetting to read. I really hope you enjoy your pregnancy and hope, as a PP said, that becoming a parent is a good thing for helping you see what normal, healthy boundaries are like, because this isn't it and it's obviously done a real number on you :(