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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

I have to get an abortion and I don’t want to

52 replies

AmberSkiez · 27/09/2022 08:44

4-5weeks pregnant and due to circumstances I have to get an abortion. I’ve been quite matter of fact about it but after speaking on the phone to the nurse just then I have been in tears since.

I don’t know how I can do this I’m going to be traumatised. I’m so scared but I can’t have another baby just yet the time isn’t now.

OP posts:
TwoWeeksislong · 27/09/2022 08:45

The clinics in the UK all offer a session of counseling OP. Take them up on it.

AppleBag · 27/09/2022 08:46

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Why do you think you have to have an abortion? Do you have a partner?

Original poster
AmberSkiez · 27/09/2022 08:55

I have a partner. We have a beautiful 11mo (1 in 2 weeks!)

We need to move house before another child and due to the housing market we cannot afford to pay so much more for less. I’m in debt after my maternity leave. I’ve just started a new job and slowly getting the hang of it. And childcare costs. We only have 1 day a week where a family member can babysit for free (very kindly). I have to work 9.5 hour days to have 1 day a week off and then 3 days in nursery.

Its not the right time at all

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberSkiez · 27/09/2022 08:55

I’m just so scared and I don’t want to do it deep down but if I kept this baby I also wouldn’t have family support and me and my partner have just gotten to a good place after nearly splitting up a few months ago

I’d be nervous to see what another baby would do to our relationship

OP posts:
Queuesarasarah · 27/09/2022 08:59

That sounds really tough op. If that’s what you know to be right then I 100% support you but also (as a quiet voice at the back) if actually you want to have this baby even though it’s not the best time then please also allow yourself that possibility. Have you talked to your partner about how you are feeling?
I had two very close together, not planned that way. It’s hard but possible. Youngest is the light of my life.
Again, if a termination is the right choice then I fully support you in that.

Fetacinno81 · 27/09/2022 09:01

This is a horrendous position to be in.

I would say speak to a doctor further about your options and don't jump in.

I totally understand all the factors going against you but lots of people 'make it work' when faced with a situation.

That being said also don't put more stress and strain on yourself and your relationship if you don't need to.

I said I would only ever have one child due to relationship and financial reasons and I'd rather be the best mum to one child than spread myself thinly but I don't want anymore children.

You sound like you do eventually want more children so I would think carefully, could you make it work? It's the most horrendous position to be in and I don't envy you at all.

People do say you'll never regret the children you have only the ones you didn't.

Good luck OP

Original poster
AmberSkiez · 27/09/2022 09:04

Yeah I do eventually want another :) I did envision my child now being about 3 or so!

my partner does want this baby he was so happy when he seen the test.

OP posts:
Fetacinno81 · 27/09/2022 09:08

I'd you want another child and your partner is happy/supportive then I think you could find a way to make this work.

I think you'll both regret the decision later on. Also please think, coming from someone with fertility issues, how would
You feel if you couldn't have another later on down the line?

I know that's also not reason to go ahead with it but I do think people take for granted it will just happen when they are ready.

Explore all options and chat more with your partner. Make a list of pros and cons.

As I said it's an awful position to be in but it sounds like deep down you're both on the same page.

AppleBag · 27/09/2022 09:08

If you want the baby and your partner does, I would give some serious thought to how you can make it work. It may not be the perfect time but then it never is. Please don't rush into anything.

happy66 · 27/09/2022 09:39

You need to ask for some support. You Can have an abortion if you think it is going to affect your mental health to have a baby. If I were you I would seek professional advice and not mums net.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/09/2022 09:44

If you are already in debt and cannot afford more childcare, I think it's very sensible to consider termination as it seems like the financial strain will affect you all. Of course it is absolutely your choice but don't feel you have to go through with it if it will adversely affect you.

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2022 09:49

I’m very sorry, it does sound tough but probably the right decision

beachcitygirl · 27/09/2022 09:49

Have the baby. You clearly both want this baby. You already have all
The big items as you have a young child already. Don't be sucked into the bs on here that kids can't share a room - they can & will love it.

I am 💯 pro choice for women who feel it's right for them to terminate. I've had 2 abortions. One through choice, the other was under medical
Advice. There is no judgment here

But you want this baby. You'll find a way. It is doable. Xx good luck & sending love & support whatever you decide

Jackienory · 27/09/2022 09:53

happy66 · 27/09/2022 09:39

You need to ask for some support. You Can have an abortion if you think it is going to affect your mental health to have a baby. If I were you I would seek professional advice and not mums net.

Totally agree with this.

Ansjovis · 27/09/2022 10:17

You need proper advice here based on the full details of your financial situation. I get the "no-one ever regrets having a child" sentiment but I don't necessarily think it holds true, especially with the real possibility that said child may push his or her parents into poverty. Not saying that's the case here but sometimes it is.

If you do go ahead with the abortion, then I think you need to frame it that you are doing this so that your first child can have as good a quality of life as possible. That's the most positive slant I think so I would hold onto it if you can.

TheUntiedShoelace · 27/09/2022 10:23

Are the reasons you nearly ended your relationship a few weeks ago sorted out? Like, properly discussed and fixed to withstand additional financial pressure? Even if your DP says he wants the baby now.

Original poster
AmberSkiez · 27/09/2022 10:37

So my DP has savings and said he’d pay my debt off. I was paying monthly as it’s not massive but still around 2-3 grand but he said he’d pay it one go and not get me paying him back

The reason we can’t move is we live in a nice area and sue to the current market, the price you used to pay for a 4 bed detached let’s say is now what you pay for a 3 bed detached or 3 bed semi. We’d need a 4th bedroom

Relationship wise yeah he’s really working on his side of stuff and I am me! We’ve improved a lot. I know whatever happens here will affect us massively and set us back wether that be an abortion or a new baby

OP posts:
TrashPandas · 27/09/2022 10:45

I'm sorry people here are pressuring you to have the baby. More guilt and pressure isn't what you need right now.

Why are you in debt due to maternity leave when the baby's father has savings? That's very worrying.

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2022 10:45

Why did you nearly split up and why would you need 4 bedrooms?

Original poster
AmberSkiez · 27/09/2022 10:49

It was my brothers 30th birthday and my dads 60th. So I contributed towards big presents and hence me borrowing money (credit card debt) I wouldn’t expect him to take responsibility for this.

Nearly split up due to not communicating properly and sniping arguments and we finally blew and had a big argument but after this we’ve identified what we need to do moving forward. It’s been good since

We’d need 4 bedrooms as, 1) our bedroom, 2) DS bedroom, 3) an office (I’m a permanent homeworker and go on calls so need the space to work) 4) bedroom for new baby

OP posts:
steppemum · 27/09/2022 10:54

I want to say first, that whatever you decide is entirely up to you.
But i was a bit surprised to hear you say you needed 4 bed house.

I had 3 children in a 2 bed flat. The 3 shared a room until the oldest was 6. The enjoyed it.
Space was tight, we were creative with storage, and life was good. We weren't in the UK at the time. We moved back and they still had to share all together for 2 years.
So aged 8 we finally moved and the oldest got his own room, and the younger two shared for another 2 years.

Please don't think house size is a reason not to have a baby.

RawChickenTray · 27/09/2022 10:54

A 4th bedroom would be lovely, but your children can share and might enjoy it.
fuck no would I contribute to a “big” birthday presents if it meant going into debt. Maybe my family is strange but we don’t do high presents like that, that is bonkers OP

AmberSkiez · 27/09/2022 10:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ThorsBedazzler · 27/09/2022 11:01

Take a breath.

You've got good reasons for considering an abortion. And that is absolutely fine, nobody has to continue a pregnancy.

You don't need to be traumatised or badly affected by this. It may be pre-emptive guilty making you worry about that, or the thought that you should feel guilty. It is absolutely fine to have an abortion and in many occasions it can be a better option than hoping everything will work out when you think it won't.

Nobody on mumsnet knows your life, everyone can tell you how lovely babies are and how they've raised 12 children in a 2 bed flat and it's been wonderful. But the reality is your reality, an abortion can be a sensible an option.

I hope you are able to come to the best decision for you, your life and your family.

HellonHeels · 27/09/2022 11:03

Children can share room! Let your partner pay off your debt. Partner should also support you while you are on maternity.

That said, have the termination if it's the right choice for you.

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