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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I have to get an abortion and I don’t want to

52 replies

AmberSkiez · 27/09/2022 08:44

4-5weeks pregnant and due to circumstances I have to get an abortion. I’ve been quite matter of fact about it but after speaking on the phone to the nurse just then I have been in tears since.

I don’t know how I can do this I’m going to be traumatised. I’m so scared but I can’t have another baby just yet the time isn’t now.

OP posts:

LifeIsaRollerCoaster1 · 27/09/2022 11:11

If you want the baby and know you will be traumatised if you terminate well have the baby. It might mean a couple of years things being tough financially but then you have a child for life. What's going to be so dramatically different in 2 years bar only paying for 1 lot of childcare? It'll cost you far more mentally terminating in these circumstances than keeping it.

We live in a 3 bed with 3 very young children, I also work ft from home. We were meant to be buying a 4 bed (with space for an office) around now after our 3rd arrived and I returned from mat leave but now is a seriously bad time to buy with interest rates and house prices. We are waiting it out for 2 years or so. 2 of our children share (they are under 6) and the youngest is still in our room so I still have my office. I'll move to the conservatory and will move the bedrooms around so our youngest isn't in with us soon. As long as they have their own space once they get to around 8 or 9 I think sharing is fine. You don't NEED a 4 bed house, you want one, my friends laugh at me for my NEED of a 4 bed, I go on about it but they are right we have enough space, I just want more.

namechange30455 · 27/09/2022 11:20

You don't need a 4 bed house for 2 kids. Particularly not 2 so close in age - if you really need a homeworking space they can share. In any case it'll be 2024 before baby will be out of your room.

It worries me that you got into debt on mat leave when your partner has savings though.

Kennykenkencat · 27/09/2022 11:22

Why do you need a 4th bedroom. I lived in a 2 bed house for the first 12 years of my children’s lives (boy and girl) they had small beds side by side when they were little and bunk beds when they were older. It was a tiny bedroom. I don’t see why you need that many rooms
Friend and her Dh lived in a 1 bed flat for several years with their 2 dc.

I think you need to prioritise what it is you really want.

Would your Dh divorce you if you did get an abortion if you nearly came to splitting just because of miscommunication
Not to put it too harshly but are you prepared to being a single parent to one child and in something a lot less than a 3 bed semi.

HowcanIhelp123 · 27/09/2022 11:23

Also saying you don't need a 4th bedroom. Baby would be in with you and your partner for at least the first 6 months so you have a couple of years before this even becomes an issue. Then baby can share with older sibling or have a cot in your office space or you could work from elsewhere in the house (e.g. make some office space in your bedroom).

It is entirely your choice, but it sounds to me like you both want this baby.

thegreylady · 27/09/2022 11:23

If you and your dp both want the baby then I think terminating the pregnancy would do more harm to your relationship than keeping it.

ffsnotagainandagain · 27/09/2022 11:24

Just want to say our 3rd DC wasn't planned. They came along at the complete wrong time. We looked into the abortion route but neither of us could go through with it. It wasn't easy but we got through and absolutely couldn't do without them now. Whatever you decide just make sure it's right for you.

BerriesOnTop · 27/09/2022 11:26

I have two kids in a two-bedroom apartment. It’s not unusual where we are. We do it to save for a deposit and because it just fits our lifestyle.

No need to do something you don’t want to do just because it is a little different than what you planned for urself.

No one should be making big financial moves right now anyway, just stay put and see how things shake out.

Firecarrier · 27/09/2022 12:03

RawChickenTray · 27/09/2022 10:54

A 4th bedroom would be lovely, but your children can share and might enjoy it.
fuck no would I contribute to a “big” birthday presents if it meant going into debt. Maybe my family is strange but we don’t do high presents like that, that is bonkers OP

Exactly! In my sibling group there is variations in finances and nobody would ever be put in a position to get into debt! I couldn't enjoy a gift knowing someone had to struggle to give it.

SugerNiner · 27/09/2022 12:04

Your kids will share a room. My still do, I'm their teens and a 2.5 year age gap.

Thatsnotevenmyusername · 27/09/2022 12:09

If a termination is the right choice for you then I fully support that. However think carefully before you proceed as once it is done you cannot change your mind. Someone very close to me had her children 11 months apart (not by choice!). She was devastated when she found out she was pregnant again when her baby was only 3 months old and it was a tough first year as she effectively had two babies to care for but now that the kids are older they are the best of friends, are into the same things, do everything together and she’s so happy they are so close in age. Just a different perspective for you to think about.

Good luck on making the right decision

SurpriseSurprise · 27/09/2022 12:18

There are ways around this. Let your partner pay your debts. Let the children share a room. If you want an abortion have one but it doesn’t sound like either of you do

Ihatethenewlook · 27/09/2022 12:26

Op why on earth did you decide to get yourself thousands of pounds in credit card debt over birthday presents? What a stupid thing to do, if I was your partner I’d be furious. Especially if it ended up being a contributing factor into why you’re considering aborting a baby that he wants! You obviously have valid reasons to terminate the pregnancy, but I can’t see anything there that can’t be worked through. You do not need 4 bedrooms for 2 children, even if you need a home office. Baby could share with you at first, and then either share with sibling or put a cot in the office. I’d give the sibling the box room and maybe split the largest room in half. Or move the office to elsewhere in the house.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/09/2022 12:32

Hmm, I can see there a lot of reasons to get yourself more stable before having another child. Getting credit card debt to buy a birthday treat is not a responsible decision, sorry.

People on this thread saying to go ahead and have the baby are not the ones who will have to live your life. Your partner is not going to be the one left holding the baby if the relationship fails again. Focus on financial and emotional stability for yourself and your child and make your decision based on that.

gogohmm · 27/09/2022 12:37

Your relationship is a reason not have another child, but bedrooms aren't an issue - kids can share, many share their whole lives. By the time they are teens ideally you will be in a position for them to have their own rooms but that's still optional.

Seraphina1993 · 27/09/2022 12:40

I think if deep down you actually want this baby despite the financial issues you should have it.

I can only speak from my own perspective of course but I would worry more about my mental state after the abortion and the regret and guilt would be overwhelming for me personally especially in the case of wanting another child eventually. I'd never be able to stop thinking about the child I aborted.

I have 2 friends who had had abortions when they were younger who have now gone on to have children and they've told me they still regret it to this day. It's something that is not talked about enough.

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 27/09/2022 12:49

It’s ok to say that despite wanting another child at some point, this is not the right time to continue with this pregnancy. The financial implications you are talking about are long term, not short term. Though to be fair, you don’t need a reason to have an abortion - it’s entirely your choice and you don’t need to justify it to anyone.

However you do sound so very conflicted. Can you access the counselling through the abortion provider? Take your time and have a really good think about what you want vs what will realistically work.

People saying you don’t need a fourth bedroom is one thing. If you both wanted this baby, you don’t need a fourth bedroom. But if you know taking on reduced pay and/or extra childcare now will mean you might not be able to move house for another decade… That’s a serious decision and tbh, one I would have made thinking about making a serious decision.

Snoken · 27/09/2022 13:17

You need to get married, especially if you go ahead and keep the baby as you will be financially penalised by doing so. Why are you working compressed hours and not your DP? If he also did, you would only need 2 days of paid childcare.

If you do keep the baby, stay where you are (babies don't need their own room for their first years), both of you compress hours to save money, pay off the debt and don't rack up anymore, if you can't afford to buy something it will just have to wait.

sevenbyseven · 27/09/2022 13:25

You don't need permission from Mumsnet to have an abortion, and you don't have to justify it. But you also don't need 4 bedrooms.

Suedomin · 27/09/2022 13:37

Of course it is your decision and you must do what feels right for your current family. If that is an abortion have the abortion. But if you want the baby have the baby.4 bedrooms are not essential the children can share. And it doesn't sound as though you are in a lot of debt or that the issues with your husband are insurmountable.
I think you are panicking. Give your self a little time. Think about what you want, discuss it with your husband. Whatever you decide to do will be the right choice.

Betsyboo87 · 27/09/2022 19:26

I was coming on to comment on not needing a 4 bed house. We’re having a surprise 2nd baby and we live in a 2 bed flat. It’s really common here (we’re not in the UK) and you can make it work. DH is in between jobs so we can’t move right now but we figured the baby will be in with us for a period of time. After mat leave both children will be in nursery whilst we wfh so a dedicated office is nice to have but not a necessity.

inheritanceshiteagain · 27/09/2022 19:32

This isnt a baby, its a bunch of cells about the size of your little finger nail. It hasnt had time to grow and have feelings or for you to have real feelings about it. At the moment it is just an idea you are constructing of a real baby with all the necessary limbs and head. Its clearly not the right time and your relationship may end in more trouble than you recently experienced. Could you care for your real child if your relationship broke down let alone a tiny baby?
Please take emotion out of the situation and listen to your head not your heart. People have made situations like this work, but why make life so much harder than it is.

inheritanceshiteagain · 27/09/2022 19:33

You'll only be traumatised if you allow emotion and drama to complicate a sensible decision.

SuzySangfroid · 27/09/2022 19:35

You don't have to if you really don't want to. Agree with everyone saying that 4 bedrooms for a family of four even with wfh isn't necessary. We do it in a 3 bed and I consider us really privileged. We're near London and a lot of kids have to share and parents work out of bedrooms or living rooms when they wfh.

That said, it's entirely up to you. You're very early on and if it isn't the right time, that's a decision you need to make for yourself 🌸

SallyWD · 27/09/2022 19:42

It's entirely up to you if you feel you need an abortion. You don't need to justify yourself.
However, the 2 things that jumped out at me were that you and your partner both want a second child. It'll be full on but there are plenty of benefits to getting it over with and having them close in age. Secondly you say you need 4 bedrooms. Even if the children are opposite sex they can share until they're teenagers. That gives you a lot of time to save for a bigger house. My friend had 3 boys in a 2 bedroom house. They all shared a bedroom until they left home! Plenty of children share even when they have enough bedrooms for one each. It makes some children feel safer and sleep better when they're with a sibling.

Sophieagain1984 · 27/09/2022 19:56

inheritanceshiteagain · 27/09/2022 19:33

You'll only be traumatised if you allow emotion and drama to complicate a sensible decision.

What an appalling post. It's not for you to decide whether she will be traumatised or not (I think she probably has a better idea than you do) and describing her distress as "drama" is disgusting.

OP, I'd recommend taking some time and talking to the clinic counsellors. I wish you well whatever you decide.

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