Antisocial at Antenatal?!?

[Paranoid1stTimer]

Hello

This should probably be posted under a different section but I don't know. I am just being really weird and unreasonable but my DH did not want to come to any antenatal classes as he feels they are a waste of time and effort and he wants to have his nights to himself - fair enough I suppose. He works his socks off day in day out and the last thing he would want to do would be this!

Anyway, I am now left to attend during the day antenatal classes for women only - which is good cos I won't feel out of place being the only one without their partner there.... However, to be totally honest, I am a bit antisocial at the best of times and HATE meeting new people face to face in these kind of situations. I am just really shy and quiet and I know from my whole life experience that people generally don't like quiet people cos they think we are "weird" or stand offish when it is really the fact that I am scared to do or say something stupid and that no one will like me.

Please don't give me a hard time about this - I am just looking for some advice and/or to see if anyone else feels the same or if I am just a complete freak.... It was actually really difficult to post this but I am sooooo nervous about this 2 hr class - with a break where I will have to "socialise"!!! HELP!

I know - I am such a saddo...

Hi

I wouldn't worry too much, the main reason for going to antenatal classes is to be given information about pregnancy & birth, it's not a test to see how sociable you are. Just sit back and see how it goes, and add to the conversation if you feel happy to. you've got something in common with everyone there as you're all having a baby so that's a good starting point. You'll be fine, also don't forget other people may be feeling nervous too about meeting new people, I doubt it's just you.

also remember that others might be nervous too but cover it up with talking too much or by being loud... a friend I made at ante-natal class seemed so outgoing and spoke out really well, I thought wow she's confident but she admitted later on that she was really nervous
I would go in with that in mind and smile at someone who looks nice fairly early on and admit bit nervous they will probably be really grateful, its not easy I know - good luck

Paranoid1stTimer you sound just like me in rl! My dh didn't want to go either and neither did I really, might have made the effort to go by myself if the place was easier to get to but I don't drive and it was just too much hassle. I feel I can seek out all the info I need myself, which is what I have been doing and I have a fair few friends now with children so don't really need to make any new ones!
I would say though, if you don't have many friends with kids, it is a good place to make them, you may not think you need anyone right now, but when you have a child it can be very isolating, and you may feel the need to chat with others in the same boat. You can always join a toddler group for that though.
They are not compulsory so don't feel you need to keep going if you really don't like it, just make sure you read up about labour and birth properly so you know what to expect.
I am sure you will be absolutely fine though, and like others have said, you will definitely not be the only one who is shy and nervous, it's just everyone shows it differently. If you remember to smile, no-one will think you are stand-offish and you will seem more approachable.

You'll probably have a fair bit to say, clearing up misinformation from us on the march thread, but even more passing on stuff you've heard there! guess what i'm saying is the subject itself should be comeplling enough to start some convo's off, it's not a test of sociability or some dire 'and what do you do?' level party which is tough work for anyone. i hope you can relax and let the subject lead you, you'll find the same thing post natally - you'll be so into your baby and hearing how others do things that that will probably help you over some of the shyness.

And if you find yourself hanging back but you don't want to (though there is no reason why you shouldn't, you don't have to join in!) don't forget your virtual crowd of mates from march backing you up

And you are not a complete freak or a saddo!

Hi paranoid.
Am also a first time mum whose DH isn't going to antenatal classes. However, he is a medical person who knows all the theory anyway.

Don't worry about being quiet. I sometimes think i'm odd cos i talk in the class and the other women tend to be a bit quieter. Most people tend to be quiet at antenatal so please don't worry about it.

I can understand that your DH wants his evenings to himself, but will he be prepared for labour and what happpens afterwards? He won't be able to have his evenings to himself after your LO is born. Sorry to comment but if he's saying they are a waste of time and effort, unless he has experience with babies and mothers, i'm wondering how much support you will get from him after the birth. (Sorry if you think i'm being a bit nosy.) My DH can't come due to work commitments (he has to look after pregnant women in hospital).

I didn't want to go, but I did and it turned out just fine.

Remember, you already have something in common with these women! And these things always have one or two people who are very chatty and 'take the floor', letting you off the hook for now!!

I thought they were worthwhile so it would be a shame to miss out.

My friend feels similar to yourself - and she's a midwife! Brilliant in her job but didnt like the "putting stickers on and talking about yourself" nonsense. Some people just dont like drawing attention to themselves and that's fine.

I wouldnt worry, really. I go by myself to my class and there is a mix of couples and women on their own. I dont mind saying the odd thing but dont feel pressured to.

While the class is on you can just listen but in the break can you maybe go outside and get some fresh air? Or call a friend on the phone. Or you could take notes if you want to avoid eye contact.

Hope that helps and that you find the classes useful. X

Awww - thanks so much... I was terrified someone would come on and say the usual "Ahhh pull yourself together! You're going to have a child to look after in a few weeks and you can't face an antenatal class? Paaa-thetic."

Thanks for the back up - and hello merryberry I got all red in the face when I noticed you spotted my silly little post over here sneaked onto the Pregnancy thread so thank you for your kind words....

I will just go along and see what happens. Thanks again though - totally appreciate it

it's not silly to feel like this, its normal.

At our antenatal class (I did go with DH) the midwife had to tell us all to mingle and chat to each other - otherwise we would have stayed in our corners and not spoken to anyone! When we did chat it was fine, everybody asked the same questions - when's it due and where are you having it. So I think personally it's the m/w's job to make you feel more social! I can completely understand if you don't tho.

I think you are perfectly normal Paranoid, and hope the class went well. The first lot of antenatal classes I went to in the run-up to Christmas I hardly mingled, but now that we are in the second set of classes it is a bit easier. Not everybody is chatty, especially about such intimate questions of your life as pregnancy and birth.

Ah well.... I chickened out and didn't go... What a woos!!! I will just have to psych myself up and go to the one next week and just be brave!

Thanks again for the support....

Paranoid. I'm just like you - my running club went out for curry last night and whilst I run happily with them twice a week, the thought of having to talk to them all evening was really scary, so I didn't go. I should have tho'.

At my antenatal classes, I was really nervous, but I am so glad I went. Conversation flowed easily, becuase you can all talk about how nervous you are about the birth, the cute things you've bought, ask advice on what to buy...

Right at the end of the last meeting, one of the girls in our group piped up "shall we exchange e-mail addresses", so we did and for the next 12 months we all met up about 2/3 times a month. I'm not sure I would have got through the early weeks without the support of that little group. When I think how close we came to not keeping in touch it makes me shudder.

Now 7 years later, I've lost touch with most of them but I still see the girl who started it all regularly and our children are great friends.

So, I really really understand why you didn't go, but do try and go next week and then if nec be the one who suggests keeping in touch. It will be much easier to keep in with this little group than to find a new support network after baby is born. Good luck

Totally understand. Maybe try to run through a few things about yourself as preparation beforehand if someone asks you things - just simple stuff like where you're from, what things you are worried about, etc Also think of a question or two you could ask about the birth or the childcare so you can chip in at any discussions should the opportunity arise and you feel like it. If there are times to mingle it is perfectly acceptable to just hang around other people that are chatting with an interested look & smile on your face (not too smiling or they will think you are a lunatic!) & just listen in without necessarily joining in the conversation, although if you do this you will probably find something pops into your head to add anyway. Hope you get on ok at the next class - if you really find it too hard just say you're feeling dodgy & you have the perfect excuse to escape!

Our antenatal classes had kind of game-type activities to break the ice - not compulsory, but they did help. But it's mainly someone talking to you and showing you model wombs etc - you don't have to solcialise.

I'm a bit like you and don't tend to be the life and soul of the party so I didn't chat and get chummy at ante-natal classes. But then I bumped into one of the women there in my local corner shop and we did end up chatting. We became friends... then she turned out to be really needy and a total pain in the arse! So if you don't feel like making friends, don't feel pressured to. Pregnancy hormones can make you emotional and moody, and tired - so it's not the best time to be on top social form anyway.

You are right - hormones and the whole feeling weird thing right now could be a very good excuse for any kind of stoopid things I might (and probably will) say.

It is really strange to hear other people feel kinda the same - I tend to forget we are all just human.

Thanks again

I went on my own to antenatal, stuck out a bit as the only one a)on my own and b)planning a HB.

Didn't even ask DH to come as he would show me up, he is a git with anyone like MW's, HV's etc.

It was fine, chatted a bit to the people sitting near me etc, but it was a bit boring really! I was nervous before the first one as I'm a bit antisocial, would rather stick pins in my eyes than go to work do's etc, but you've all got something major (and rather fascinating! )in common, so chatting comes relatively easily, even if it's just along the lines of...OMG I haven't even sorted out a room for the baby yet, have you? blah blah

PS, 'must dash, got an appt at the GP' is a good one if you don't want to hang around at the end

My antenatal group when I had DS1 used to meet up at each other's houses about once a week for the first 6 months. Even though I've only stayed friends with one of the women (5 years later) it was great to have somewhere to go and people to talk to in the early days with a baby.

I know someone, who is still friends with almost all of the 14 women in her class 7 years later. They were new to the area and the class has formed the basis of their local social life ever since.

You're right that shy people come across as stand offish and people prefer to talk to friendly people.

Easier said than done, but it's worth the effort to socialise at antenatal classes because it's hard being at home on your own with a baby and having no one to discuss things with.

I haven't read all the posts but please don't worry Paranoid. I went to antenatal NCT classes because I kept hearing how AMAZING they were and how strong the friendships were that were made, and I hated them. My dh did come with me and also hated them. I know that people do have good experiences but if you don't feel up to going it really doesn't matter. You may find you meet someone you feel comfortable with in hospital when your baby is born. I never went to any baby groups after my dd was born but did start going when she was about 18 months old and my ds was 2 months old because I realised my dd needed to get out and get socialised! I find it hard to meet people which was why I didn't go till them but it was then really OK, I suppose because I could see how she was benefitting and we were all ready to do it. I'm not sure if that will help you at all or even if it's addressing what you were posted about. Sometimes I think we can feel pressure to do things because we think we ought to and really it's OK to go with how YOU feel. And Mumsnet is a fantastic support, look how many replies you've had ....! People understand.

I am on my 4th baby now - and somehow or other have not ever been to antenatal classes (for one reason or another - like 1st time, moved house, and missed the course in both area's! 2nd time, hospitilized - no classes!, 3rd time DH working long hours, unable to attend classes due to lack of transport - I don't drive and dh was not available to get me there!!!).
I'm interested in finding out WHERE orWHEN classes are this time - I may have already missed them by 21 weeks preg in my area for all I know....the midwife has not mentioned them (well, she probably thinks 4th baby - wouldn't need a class!!!)......
THIS time, I have decided to empower myself with more info on birth by investing in some books from amazon.co.uk which I am finding interesting reading, I'm convinced I can stay in charge somewhat more having read these books (and if I cannot get to classes - the books are better than nothing!). HOWEVER, I doubt if DH will take time to read the books - he thinks childbirth is woman's business, and although he will be there, I'll get the usual taunts about my "size" (being fat and preggo) and half hearted support (while he frequently nips out for a fag)....
I'd really like for DH to go to antenatal classes and get clued in how to be HELPFUL and not try to "Joke" his way through it all!!!

My DH wasn't keen on the classes either..it was the middle of summer, two whole saturdays and they were just about the hottest days of that whole summer! For me I was happy to be anywhere indoors in the shade but he was looking longingly at the sunshine outside - we were even near a local pub where you could just about hear clinking glasses and happy chattering from the beer garden!

Sorry am rambling, the teacher should be good at gauging people's levels of confidence and how much they are keen to interact so a good teacher should put you at your ease...

I think it is worth going...you'll probably find you're not short of things to talk about in the break as you'll have covered so much...hope you manage to go to the next one...

dunno if anyone else mentioned this, but plenty of women go to antenatal classes on their own (not just women only ones, I mean, never heard of those anyway) but

my dh similar and didn't want to come, tho did to most 1st time. 2nd pg I went, just to meet people, but only about half the women had OH with them. 2nd 3rd time round v. little chance of the men folk turning up.

plenty of people don't feel comfortable in new groups anyway, you won't be the only one. just turn up with notepad and pen to give you something to look busy with if you get nervous, but I'm sure you'll be fine and learn some useful stuff, which is the main point anyway. good luck

I'm just the same as the OP, I can never think of anything to say so appear shy!

DF lived 400 miles away when I had my classes, so my mum went with me. I think most hubbys went, but there were 2 or 3 ladies that had friends with them. DF was down visiting when we had the hospital tour and all hubbys went to that one.

Don't worry too much. There are usually 1 or 2 in a group that will talk for England anyway. Get there early and talk to the organiser. Thats what we did.

I also hate this kind of thing but second the advice to grit your teeth and have a go. How about suggesting something like coffee to the other mums if you manage to talk to anyone. Or if coffee is too scary, a trip to the local Mothercare or similar to look at car seats/pushchairs/Moses baskets/cute tiny clothes? At least that way, it gives you something ready made to talk about and you may find that there are people who you manage to bond a bit with. If you can try to see a bit of the others before you all give birth, it will make it much easier afterwards when you really want a bit of adult companionship. Or swap email addresses with people - suggest that you produce a sheet with everyone's addresses on and make it your job to go round and get the addresses so you have to talk to everyone but have something to say and a job to do to lessen the nervousness.