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Original poster

Vasectomy fail

47 replies

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 18:38

Re-posting here because previous thread got no replies

Husband had a vasectomy in January. Apparently it didn't fucking work, because I am now pregnant. Definitely his, no cheating.

We have 2 dc, neither of us wanted any more. My youngest has just gone to school and I have upped my hours at work, we finally felt like we were doing ok after years in the baby/young child fog.

I don't want another baby, but I don't want a termination either. I've had one before, which my DH wanted and I was ambivalent about. It's not an experience I wish to repeat.

I haven't told DH. I am fucking furious with him. I don't really want to know what he thinks about this at the moment tbh because if he says anything less than fully supportive of me I will lose it. It's me that will have to do either the termination or all the fucking morning sickness, stretch marks, birth, night wakings, career breaks. He'll sail on mostly untouched by this.

What a fucking mess. I am gutted.

Any words of wisdom gratefully received.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Muststopeating · 21/09/2022 18:46

I have no words of wisdom but I am really sorry this is happening to you. It is something that frequently terrifies me because I cannot have another baby and equally would hate to have a termination.

It seeks very unfair when you take all the necessary precautions and it still backfires.

I had DC3 after deciding I only wanted 2 (but being foolish about contraception). There are days (and nights) I am still bitter about it, but most of the time I just think she is freaking awesome.

There are no right choices here but I hope you find peace with whichever decision you make.

Lovelydovey · 21/09/2022 18:47

Had he had the all clear? When DH had a vasectomy we had to use protection for quite a period of time (a year maybe) until he was returning a zero sperm count and the operation could be counted as successful.

This piece of information would be crucial as to how I would engage with him. Has he been reckless, naive or is this a genuine contraception fail?

Original poster

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 18:50

I have never had any desire for 3 children. No offence to those that have 3, but I was always happy with 2.

I don't want to do all the baby years again, I can't muster any excitement for it at all.

It's going to take a big shift in mentality for me to be ok with this.

OP posts:

Original poster

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 18:51

He didn't get the test.

OP posts:

youagainomg · 21/09/2022 18:51

Did his sperm get checked after it was done?

bakewellbride · 21/09/2022 18:51

@Lovelydovey shit is that really true?! Dh hasn't had his vasectomy yet but is on the waiting list. Up until I read your message I was always adamant that we wouldn't have sex at all until it was done but I don't know how we'd cope with however long the wait will be plus another year. I assumed it was maximum of a few months. Now I really don't know what to do! What did you do for contraception until he got the all clear?

Original poster

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 18:51

I really don't know what to say to him tbh.

OP posts:

HappilyHadesBound · 21/09/2022 18:53

I'm afraid you're supposed to keep using contraception until after he's been tested, that's not to have a go at you, but they do explain not to use it as contraception until tested.

I hope you find a path forward you can be comfortable with, it's an awful position to be in and I really feel for you.

tattychicken · 21/09/2022 18:54

I totally get why you're cross and freaking, but if he got the all clear, and the vasectomy subsequently failed, it's really not his fault, anymore than it is yours for not continuing with eg the pill. You both thought you were safe.

I would just clarify that a) he deffo had the snip b) he deffo sent his sample back about 3 months later and got the all clear before you had sex

HappilyHadesBound · 21/09/2022 18:55

bakewellbride · 21/09/2022 18:51

How long it is just depends on how long it takes to test clear. We didn't test for a long time as I had a coil anyway but we tested when I wanted to get it removed.

Original poster

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 18:55

They said use contraception for 3 months, which we did. But he never bothered getting the follow up test. I kept telling him to.

He got the bloody vasectomy because I have been through all other options and either can't have it can't tolerate any of the others.

This was supposed to be him finally taking one for the team.

OP posts:

Garman · 21/09/2022 18:55

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 18:51

He didn't get the test.

Well then in fairness, it was very foolish of both of you to not use contraception when he hadn’t had the follow up tests done.

Garman · 21/09/2022 18:56

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 18:55

They said use contraception for 3 months, which we did. But he never bothered getting the follow up test. I kept telling him to.

He got the bloody vasectomy because I have been through all other options and either can't have it can't tolerate any of the others.

This was supposed to be him finally taking one for the team.

Posted before I saw this. You knew he hadn’t had the test yet you still opted for unprotected sex, you can’t be angry solely at him, there’s two of you in this decision making.

HappilyHadesBound · 21/09/2022 18:57

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 18:55

They said use contraception for 3 months, which we did. But he never bothered getting the follow up test. I kept telling him to.

He got the bloody vasectomy because I have been through all other options and either can't have it can't tolerate any of the others.

This was supposed to be him finally taking one for the team.

If he didn't get tested then he hasn't fulfilled his part

tattychicken · 21/09/2022 18:58

I'm a bit baffled as to why you would have sex knowing he hadn't been tested. Kind of defeats the point of a vasectomy.

Original poster

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 19:03

Apparently the failure rate is very low, so just very unlucky I guess. But thanks for making me feel so much better at a real low point 👍

OP posts:

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/09/2022 19:09

Shit I am so sorry.
I have 3, planned 3, wanted 3. Happy with 3.

And I really can not describe the mental and physical destruction that 3 can cause. Mine were 5 and 3 when 3rd was born and you sound like you have similar ages.
My husband works shifts and so it's all on me. She in school now and it's still hard. Every single day is work. 3 interests. 3 wants. 3 sets of extracurricular. It's a chasm between having two and that one extra.

I love the bones off her. She is everything I dreamed of down yo her eye colour! But damn it's hard.

hewouldwouldnthe · 21/09/2022 19:10

You should have said no test, no sex, and stuck to that. Fucking dickhead. Just terminate, it's early days and your life doesn't need this massive upheaval. It's just a few cells.

user1471462428 · 21/09/2022 19:12

I’m vasectomy failure baby and in all honesty I wish my mum had terminated me. I always felt unwanted but one of my sisters told me recently that my dad had a vasectomy which failed resulting in me. My mum chose to keep me and my dad refused to acknowledge me. Their marriage broke down and subsequently my sisters blamed me for it. It’s a huge burden to lay at unborn babies door to know they were truly unwanted. Think carefully about your choice for the sake of your entire family.

holidaynightmare · 21/09/2022 19:12

hewouldwouldnthe · 21/09/2022 19:10

You should have said no test, no sex, and stuck to that. Fucking dickhead. Just terminate, it's early days and your life doesn't need this massive upheaval. It's just a few cells.

I totally agree with this

A termination is less hassle than a 3rd child surely!!!!!!

Lovelydovey · 21/09/2022 19:22

He had a couple of tests in between where the sperm count was falling but not zero, it did take a long time to get to zero. It could well be shorter for others. We used condoms until we got the all clear.

OP - it’s not a contraception fail then, it’s user error because you hadn’t had the all clear. I’d be pissed at your DH for being reckless and annoyed at myself for not insisting on the test before unprotected sex. You need to tell him and work out together what you do about this.

SurpriseSurprise · 21/09/2022 19:29

I think you need to tell him and decide together what you’ll do

Devo1818 · 21/09/2022 19:31

A termination has to be easier than an unwanted pregnancy/baby?
Sorry you are going through this xx

Ihaveoflate · 21/09/2022 19:36

It's an entirely personal choice, obviously, but my DH has had a vasectomy and I would terminate without a second thought in your position. Yes, it's pretty unpleasant (I've had a medical termination) but surely not as bad as growing, birthing and raising an unwanted child?!

tattychicken · 21/09/2022 19:59

SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen · 21/09/2022 19:03

Apparently the failure rate is very low, so just very unlucky I guess. But thanks for making me feel so much better at a real low point 👍

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad, it's just I've been through DHs NHS vasectomy ( a few years back) and I had to attend an appointment with him to discuss the impact of it etc also that you have to use contraception until he had 2 x sperm tests. They really really drum this in.
What you have described doesn't add up to my experience of my DH having a vasectomy.

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