Vasectomy fail

[SoTheVasectomyDidntWorkThen]

Re-posting here because previous thread got no replies

Husband had a vasectomy in January. Apparently it didn't fucking work, because I am now pregnant. Definitely his, no cheating.

We have 2 dc, neither of us wanted any more. My youngest has just gone to school and I have upped my hours at work, we finally felt like we were doing ok after years in the baby/young child fog.

I don't want another baby, but I don't want a termination either. I've had one before, which my DH wanted and I was ambivalent about. It's not an experience I wish to repeat.

I haven't told DH. I am fucking furious with him. I don't really want to know what he thinks about this at the moment tbh because if he says anything less than fully supportive of me I will lose it. It's me that will have to do either the termination or all the fucking morning sickness, stretch marks, birth, night wakings, career breaks. He'll sail on mostly untouched by this.

What a fucking mess. I am gutted.

Any words of wisdom gratefully received.

Also, it's not a failure. You had sex before you had the all clear. That's down to both of you.

God ignore the people giving you grief. You made a mistake. Yours was considerably less foolish than mine and I still haven't forgiven my friend who said 'you're a smart woman, you wouldn't be pregnant if you didn't want to be' (while I was sat sobbing my eyes out).

Give yourself a couple of days. You will figure this out, but it really sucks that you have to.

It's not that it didn't work, but that you didn't wait long enough and for the all clear before having unprotected sex. Both of you made that decision, so you both need to discuss what happens next.
I do feel sorry for you, I really do, but I also don't think all the blame can be put at your DHs door.

Please don't have an unwanted baby because a termination is unpleasant

I'm sorry OP, it's a shit situation to be in. I admit that we also didn't get the follow up tests after DH's vasectomy - can't really say why we did something so mad and short sighted, but we got away with it unlike you.

Three children with a five year gap at the end is a big deal, even if that's what you deliberately choose. Honestly in your position I would be having an abortion asap.

I would have a termination under the circumstances.

Alternatively, he takes 8/0 months of paternity leave and you take 2 months of maternity leave. Let him take the hit this time and do the logistics at home.

A termination is an unpleasant but easy choice compared to carrying, birthing, parenting and supporting a child for 18 years +. They're not even comparable choices in my mind. If you don't want a 3rd (and I wouldn't recommend it, from experience! And he was well planned, and despite loving numero 3 with all my heart). I had a recent termination after an absolute contraception failure against all the odds (x2 forms of contraception!) and but it was infinitely preferable in comparison to the alternative.

Gosh even reading this makes me nervous, my dh did have the test after 6mth and was told he was sterile but still worries me as
i am like you absolutely ZERO inclination to do it all again. In your position I would have a termination without a doubt, you have my full sympathy and wish you all the best with whatever you decide!

Termination 👍. We have choices now thankfully.

This.

Years ago a partner had a vasectomy at my request. I drove him to the procedure and we both heard the warnings about unprotected sex. We took his sample in together after six or eight weeks and waited for the all-clear. I would not have dreamed of having unprotected sex without hearing with my own ears that it was OK.

In your shoes I'm afraid I'd have a termination. Lesser of the evils and frankly better than another pregnancy, newborn/toddler phase, etc. - not to mention the financial considerations of another child.

Definitely have the termination, honestly it's the right choice given the circumstances.

My dh had to submit 2 tests before he got the all clear after his vasectomy. Its a certain number of ejaculations rather than a specified amount of time so the more ejaculations the faster the sperm is removed. Took a few months but no longer than 6. I stayed on the mini pill until he got the all clear

My husband's vasectomy failed! Tubes grew back! I'm still absolutely gutted because he said he couldn't go through it again so never went back to doc's! In your situation I would 100% terminate. Yes its upsetting but having 3 kids is even harder!!

This.
It's shitty but definitely the better option op xx

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Of course termination is an option. You know better than most how it will affect you in comparison to keeping the baby.

For those flippantly saying 'have a termination, it's easier than 18 years' etc; sometimes the decision to have a termination leads to guilt and distress (not saying that people should feel that way, just that they do) for the rest of their lives.

Termination is not an 'easy' out.

Jesus. Ignore anyone giving you shit about this, OP, and being flippant about the choices you’re facing, and projecting their own stuff. You’ll find your own way through this. Hang in there, be kind to yourself, see what constructive conversations can be had with your partner.

I personally would keep the baby and see it as "it was meant to be" 🙈

@Beachbabe1 oh my word! How many years/ months after the initial procedure did they grow back?!

He went for the test to see if it had worked after 6 months and there was still loads of live sperm!! Was told the tubes had formed back together.

"This was supposed to be him finally taking one for the team."

Well he did take one for the team, didn't he.

If you were a man, people would be saying

contraception is never 100% and pregnancy is always a risk of intercourse. it' u reasonable to be angry with your partner because the surgery / contraception failed etc.

TBF, my dh never got the test done either but we were lucky. It’s been 5 years now so, definitely all ok.

Though occasionally we wish it could be reversed. (Can’t afford it)

Im sorry you’re going through this though OP. You need to make sure you do what you need to do. It sounds like you really don’t want a third so I guess your only option is a termination

My dh was concerned this was going to happen to him and he knew he couldn’t do it again, so he got more chopped back than normal