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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Babies Father shouted at me after 12 week scan

51 replies

notmyear · 16/09/2022 18:19

I feel silly writing this but I feel so upset. Name change as I'm embarrassed.

I'm not with babies Dad so I'm not sure what I expected.

We broke up shortly before I found out I was pregnant after being together for about a year or so. Both 30s so not young. Nothing bad happened in terms of break up.

I found out I was pregnant and for personal reasons abortion isn't an option for me. When I told my ex he was shocked at first but the next day said he wanted to be involved, was supportive and was excited to be a Dad as has always wanted children. He did say he would like to try and work things out, however I have kept him a little at arms length and said we should focus on the baby. I always made it very clear that I was never continuing the pregnancy with the expectation that he'd be involved/support.

However it has been nice that he supposedly wanted to be, and I've been happy that he's been supportive and we've been able to chat and meet up in a nice way. He's spoke about coming to all the scans, and wanted to be at the birth. It felt nice that we were getting along and I thought it was going to be easy...

Today I had my 12 week scan. He was quiet throughout but asked a few questions etc. and when we got back to my house he completely blew up, shouted and me and said a lot of hurtful things.

He said that he didn't want the baby, it was a mistake and didn't want to be tied to me for life. He said that we would still be together if I wasn't pregnant and that I had put a "wedge" between us. I was quick to remind him we were already broken up so I didn't understand his point at all, and he was insistent that we would have worked things out and the failure of the relationship is all down to "my choice". We hadn't actually spoken for around a month when I discovered the pregnancy and I had no intention of trying to continue the relationship at all. I feel like this was all said to manipulate me. He went on and on for about an hour shouting that I am not in my right mind and what a mistake this is.

I asked him why he'd been supportive and nice for 6 weeks to suddenly blow up at me and he couldn't give me a good reason at all. Just said that I had taken his choice away from him (I do understand it is difficult for men as the woman has the choice as it is her body so I do get that), that he now resents me and did "really love" me however he now doesn't because of the baby.

He says he wants to be happy and this doesn't make him happy. Fair enough.

He finished by saying that he's not entirely sure he wants to come to any further scans or have anything to do with the baby once it's born. Again, fair enough.

He then phoned me two further times on his way home to shout similar things at me.

I don't know what to think.

I've cried all afternoon, and I know I shouldn't do as my expectations should have been low. But he's been so nice for 6 weeks so it's difficult to understand. It was meant to be a nice day has turned to rubbish and I wish I'd never had him at the scan. I genuinely thought we may be able to co-parent nicely together.

Part of me feels like if we'd got back together he would have been different and he's now suddenly changed his tune as it hasn't worked out the way he hoped. Part of me also thinks was he pushing to restart the relationship with the thought he could manipulate me into an abortion, and obviously that hasn't worked out either?

Sorry for the long post just looking for support.

OP posts:
Hopeandlove · 16/09/2022 18:23

What a dick. Block him and don’t contact him again.
he’s an abusive dick and to be honest he had a choice before he had sex, during and after so he needs to grow the fuck up

ReeseWitherfork · 16/09/2022 18:24

Congratulations OP. Can you just lose his number at this point? I don’t know what laws are involved (I’m sure someone can chip in) but I do think you need to keep him as far away as possible. He sounds like a horrible cunt tbh. I was seeing his side (flimsy as it is) at the beginning (freaking out about a baby with a woman he isn’t with and whatnot) but as the post went on he lost any shred of my sympathy.

Can you book a private scan in a couple of weeks and take your mum or a sister or friend? Have you got a good support circle to do this without him?

Isaidnoalready · 16/09/2022 18:25

Block him he has made it clear he doesn't want this give him what he wants

Lavendersummer · 16/09/2022 18:28

You poor thing. That’s an appalling way to treat a pregnant woman.
Its ok for him to get you pregnant but then he’s not willing to take any responsibility for anything else.
i hope you have some real life support.
You have seen this side of him now and I would be super cautious about allowing him to come to any more scans.
ita possible he is frightened- but even if he is that’s no reason to behave so terribly to you.
He needs to apologize.

StopStartStop · 16/09/2022 18:30

Have a hug.

Remember his behaviour and never trust him again. Make him go through solicitors for access (and don't allow him to have the baby alone for at least a year, babies need their primary carers), and claim all you can in child support. He's not going to be part of your baby's life, unless he works for it.

lunar1 · 16/09/2022 18:31

Block him, you really don't need this while pregnant. He can find out the baby has arrived when CMS contact him for maintenance.

He's trying to bully and manipulate you into a termination.

economicervix · 16/09/2022 18:32

Your post is all about his words and thoughts. What do you want? Tell him in writing he is not to verbally abuse you ever again. He will not be attending any more of your private medical appointments.
Presumably he chose to not use any contraception himself, so he can blame himself for impregnating you. He can sort court ordered access, since he can’t control himself or his rages.

FairFuming · 16/09/2022 18:45

What a complete dick, I'd have a hard time forgiving somone for ruining such a special day. You need to get yourself prepared to raise your child alone, you can't rely on somone who acts like this.

GG1986 · 16/09/2022 18:46

Wow he sounds awful. Do not let him worm his way back in, he sounds a bit unstable and not someone you can rely on. Could end up being one of those fathers that comes and goes as he pleases when it suits him. Do not contact him. X

WillPowerLite · 16/09/2022 18:54

Block him. All communication via a dedicated email address, which you will check not at all until the baby arrives. He has no right to be at scans, or present for the birth.

Cut him out now and enjoy your pregnancy.

Obviously he still needs to pay child maintenance. He can seek out involvement with the baby after you have given birth, via the courts.

TheKingsInk · 16/09/2022 18:54

If he spoken normally and said all the things he did would you let him be out of his child’s life if that’s what he wants?

has he spoken about not wanting a child with you and if so how did you respond?

he could be frustrated and we all shout and loose our shit some times

Sallyh87 · 16/09/2022 18:55

Be happy he has shown you his true colours now before he got involved with your child or you considered getting back together with him! What an absolute idiot. If he doesn’t want a baby he should use contraceptive.

Original poster
notmyear · 16/09/2022 19:34

Thanks everyone.

We spoke about his feelings early on and while he never said he wanted me to get an abortion or tried to push for it in any way he did say that the circumstances weren't ideal given we aren't together. I totally agree with this however I was making the best of it.

He understands I had an abortion when I was younger which I found traumatic and regretted massively, he already knew this when we were together.

Like I said I do understand his point of view and it must be difficult to be in the man's position where it probably feels like they don't have any control in the situation.

I'm just shocked that he flipped so suddenly today. I have a massive stress headache but I'm more angry at myself that I had trusted him in some way to support me.

I do want to block him but then I fear it will get thrown in my face if I deprive him of any opportunity to be involved in the pregnancy? Not that he deserves it after today....

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyear · 16/09/2022 19:36

I don't have much support here as I'm from another country but I've lived here a long time. I do have a lot of supportive friends though so hopefully I'll be okay.

Booking another scan is a good idea and would give me something to look forward to.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 16/09/2022 19:37

Don’t block him but do mute him.

Make it clear 100% that you do not care if he is involved and you do not want to get back together.

Are you going to claim for CMS? Ideally you should but I can understand if you don’t

MindPalace · 16/09/2022 19:37

You say you don’t know what to think.

I do - he’s a total dick and you have had a lucky escape. You’ll feel absolutely awful for a while and it’s not going to be easy, but I guarantee that your life will be a million times better without him in it.

I promise.

All the best, OP. X Flowers

RoseAndRose · 16/09/2022 19:53

You need to keep him at a distance, I think, because this sort of volatility and aggressiveness is really not something to be around.

I would send a short message, saying that you have noted what he had to say and will be in touch after the baby is born

TwoWeeksislong · 16/09/2022 19:58

You gave him the opportunity to be involved in the pregnancy and he blew it. You don’t have to listen to him ranting and shouting at you. So block him and don’t contact him again until your baby is born. He doesn’t have any rights or responsibilities and the child is born, so you do have to engage with him.

Original poster
notmyear · 16/09/2022 20:14

Thanks everyone for your support and advice it really means a lot.

I need to find some inner strength from somewhere but at the moment that feels impossible.

I really am beating myself up for "getting used" to him being supportive and just taking it for granted that he was going to be nice. Now reading more on here it seems quite common for men to do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
notmyear · 16/09/2022 20:16

I'm really in two minds about writing in a message or email stating that because of his behaviour today I will not be having him at any further appointments or something to that effect...

Or literally just blanking him and not giving him any reaction and just show him by my actions?

OP posts:
PattyMelt · 16/09/2022 20:38

I'd go home to my family to have the baby after all that. He's an arse and they don't improve.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/09/2022 20:42

If it were me, I'd message:

"I had hoped we could be civil but you clearly cannot be. I accept that you cannot do this, so please step away. I will delete your number and I suggest you do the same with mine. I will notify X (mutual friend) once the baby has arrived, so you are informed. But I neither expect nor need anything from you. Your actions today have shown that you do not respect me, so for the good of us all, its best we end whatever this is. Goodbye"

Cakecakecheese · 16/09/2022 21:11

Perhaps the scan made it all a bit more real and he panicked? That doesn't give him the right to be so nasty. Pregnancy can be stressful enough as it is without having to deal with this sort of behaviour.

ReeseWitherfork · 16/09/2022 21:32

I don’t think sending him a message is a bad idea. Gives you a bit of closure. Don’t do it tonight, maybe draft something while you’re still feeling it all but don’t click send until you’ve relooked tomorrow. Short and sweet, clearly explain that you didn’t like his behaviour and you don’t want him involved in the rest of the pregnancy as suffering his abuse is good for neither you or the baby.

You don’t have to find any strength to do anything you don’t want to do though. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with spending the weekend eating cake and watching Bridget Jones in your PJs if that’s what you want to do.

You have so much to look forward to, don’t let this asshole ruin it.

MrsMoastyToasty · 16/09/2022 21:36

Did he take responsibility for HIS contraception?

He might not end up being DAD but he will always be a FATHER.