Babies Father shouted at me after 12 week scan

[notmyear]

I feel silly writing this but I feel so upset. Name change as I'm embarrassed.

I'm not with babies Dad so I'm not sure what I expected.

We broke up shortly before I found out I was pregnant after being together for about a year or so. Both 30s so not young. Nothing bad happened in terms of break up.

I found out I was pregnant and for personal reasons abortion isn't an option for me. When I told my ex he was shocked at first but the next day said he wanted to be involved, was supportive and was excited to be a Dad as has always wanted children. He did say he would like to try and work things out, however I have kept him a little at arms length and said we should focus on the baby. I always made it very clear that I was never continuing the pregnancy with the expectation that he'd be involved/support.

However it has been nice that he supposedly wanted to be, and I've been happy that he's been supportive and we've been able to chat and meet up in a nice way. He's spoke about coming to all the scans, and wanted to be at the birth. It felt nice that we were getting along and I thought it was going to be easy...

Today I had my 12 week scan. He was quiet throughout but asked a few questions etc. and when we got back to my house he completely blew up, shouted and me and said a lot of hurtful things.

He said that he didn't want the baby, it was a mistake and didn't want to be tied to me for life. He said that we would still be together if I wasn't pregnant and that I had put a "wedge" between us. I was quick to remind him we were already broken up so I didn't understand his point at all, and he was insistent that we would have worked things out and the failure of the relationship is all down to "my choice". We hadn't actually spoken for around a month when I discovered the pregnancy and I had no intention of trying to continue the relationship at all. I feel like this was all said to manipulate me. He went on and on for about an hour shouting that I am not in my right mind and what a mistake this is.

I asked him why he'd been supportive and nice for 6 weeks to suddenly blow up at me and he couldn't give me a good reason at all. Just said that I had taken his choice away from him (I do understand it is difficult for men as the woman has the choice as it is her body so I do get that), that he now resents me and did "really love" me however he now doesn't because of the baby.

He says he wants to be happy and this doesn't make him happy. Fair enough.

He finished by saying that he's not entirely sure he wants to come to any further scans or have anything to do with the baby once it's born. Again, fair enough.

He then phoned me two further times on his way home to shout similar things at me.

I don't know what to think.

I've cried all afternoon, and I know I shouldn't do as my expectations should have been low. But he's been so nice for 6 weeks so it's difficult to understand. It was meant to be a nice day has turned to rubbish and I wish I'd never had him at the scan. I genuinely thought we may be able to co-parent nicely together.

Part of me feels like if we'd got back together he would have been different and he's now suddenly changed his tune as it hasn't worked out the way he hoped. Part of me also thinks was he pushing to restart the relationship with the thought he could manipulate me into an abortion, and obviously that hasn't worked out either?

Sorry for the long post just looking for support.

It sounds like he saw the saw the baby at the scan and then had a total freak.

However, that is no excuse for him being a dick and he should not speak to you like that. You do not have to put up with his behaviour and are far better off without that negative energy during your pregnancy. You sound like a strong women and when it does get tough, just focus on your beautiful bump and remember what is truly important and that is you and your gorgeous little one.
Big hug x

Thanks everyone. I'm struggling to sleep as I can't stop thinking about what's happened. I even half expected an apology but I've heard nothing.

He definitely wasn't abusive when we were together and has never shouted at me. He did have a tinge of insecurity which got on my nerves after a while which he claimed was because his ex cheated on him (many years ago too). If anything I'd say he's a bit "overly sensitive".

It could be that going to the scan has scared him.

I keep thinking about the way he went on and on today into trying to tell me not to continue with the pregnancy, when as I said I've been clear from the beginning of my intention. I haven't put any pressure on him to be involved at all and it's been him that's tried to push things and now I feel like it's been thrown in my face.

It makes no sense. When we were getting to know each other he asked about children as said he had always wanted them, and actually got teary and said that he always thought he would have them by this point in life. Slight drip feed but I already have a child (I was married before) so it's not as much of a concern to me... he asked where I stood on having any more given I already have one. I told him if I met the right person I would be open to having more children.

It just feels like now because we are together and things aren't perfect that this child isn't good enough.

He ruined your scan

how about you phrase it like that

he was abusive
he was disrespectful
he ruined what should have been a nice moment

stop trying to justify an adult’s behaviour - he chose to behaviour like that. Don’t make excuses or him or try to justify his behaviour

he’s an abusive wanker when someone shows you who they are believe them and then keep them afar away from you and your child as possible.

you don’t need an apology any apology after such shocking behaviour - is pointless / he has shown you who he is - listen 👂

Plenty said here about his actions but offerring a slightly different perspective. While this is certainly a red flag, if it's not in his nature as you knew him and he said he loved you. Could this have been pure fear of the reality after seeing the scan? You've mentioned you didn't expect him to be involved, but you've not mentioned anything about possible financial commitment/support from him. Could this be something on his mind/conscience? Did he grow up in a broken home so is struggling to process putting that on his child? Or equally a perfect home that he can't offer but has pressure on himself to provide? Just things to consider for the odd behaviour - taken from what you said. As I say, no excuse and def a red flag. Best of luck to you sweetie x

Why did you invite him back to yours after the scan? If you're not going to be anymore than co-parents then there's no need for him to be there (at this stage at least), surely?

Did he try to initiate something?

I've parented 100% alone since my DD was 1 (I'm a widow) and it's not as scary as you think it's going to be. Not even close. You very quickly get into a routine and used to it.

Going forward, I would do what PP says and block him. He knows where you are and to be honest, I would want him to have to physically seek you out in order to get in contact with you as he's only likely to do that if he's genuinely invested in becoming a father.

In fact if I was from another country and my family were all there, I'd go home!

Stop trying to find tiny specks of reason and rationality in the abuse this man subjected you to.

This situation is not actually hard for a man. He could have been honest with you from the day he heard your news. But he didn't want to think of himself as the kind of man who would say he wouldn't take any part in the baby's life before or after birth. He presented a false self to you so he would feel good about himself. You had invited him back into your life and in his mind he was back at the centre of your universe.

When he realized that the experience of the scan and the entire pregnancy actually centered you, not him, he couldn't take it. He couldn't pretend even to himself any more that he was Mr Nice Guy, and he unleashed a full on episode of narcissistic rage. You didn't deserve a single word of it.

Block him.
Waste no more time or energy on him.

If you can afford it, you might like to get some counseling to help you get over the trauma you have just been put through.

I second the idea of getting another scan just for you. Reset. Start again.

DO NOT put his name on the birth cert when your baby is born. His name on the BC gives him parental rights. You do not want this man in your life or your child's.

I know an apology would be pointless. I think I base other peoples behaviour on what I would do and think surely a normal person would realise that it wasn't acceptable and he may at least say something, but I guess I'm expecting too much.

Thank you.
He definitely grew up in a "perfect" home. The family were always lovely to me when we were together and involved me in things. But I'd say they are probably quite traditional.

I don't know this for sure but I do imagine his parents may have expected him to "sort things out", and potentially may not like how it looks us having a baby but not together.
I wonder if my ex himself probably doesn't like that it hasn't worked out to be the perfect family.

I don't have much support here as I'm from another country but I've lived here a long time

Do not put him on the birth cert even if he goes back to being as nice as pie, as he could stop you going home if you ever decide you want to.

For a similar reason I didn't put my dd's father on her birth certificate but I still acknowledged him as her father and never stood in the way of their having contact. But I didn't trust not to abuse his parental rights if I had allowed him to have them.

I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not uncommon for the first incidents in an abusive relationship to occur during pregnancy and I would take this for the massive red flag it is. If he’s sent you any messages I would screenshot them and then consider blocking him.

I do drive but he collected me as it was on his way.

He came in to my house when he dropped me off as the scan pictures were all joined together and we needed to cut them up as he wanted some (surprisingly). Tbh he followed me out of the car I wasn't really expecting him to come in I was just going to pop in and cut them quickly.

He has come to mine from time to time since we found out the news. I've been really poorly with hyperemesis and signed off work and he's been good and really supportive. That's why today was such a shock.

I have a child with my ex husband who lives in this county, we have 50/50 custody so I can't unfortunately.
I do wish I had family support. I also love my job here and my friends etc.

At least you know what he's like now and you can plan accordingly.

@mathanxiety your post makes perfect sense. And I think is pretty well spot on. Thank you.

I definitely won't be putting him on the birth certificate.

Unfortunately I can't leave the country anyway due to my other child (I was married to the Father so he is on BC).

Makes me life sound like one big mess now.

Big hug OP. That was a a tough day. Restart with a new scan and congratulation for your new baby.

Well no judgement from me just offering something other than picking him apart you've done that bit! I had similar with my first born, BD told me to go get a council house stop work and claim dole! Was never going to happen. I was happy to have baby alone too. You and baby will be fine whatever you conclude about BD. Sending hugs xx

I was hoping to wake up feeling better but I feel worse if anything.

I keep replaying it over in my head, how do I stop???

Among the things he said he also told me I was "never going to get anyone else" with my two kids and I was ruining my life. He also said I've probably "already got someone else".

He's horrible I need to write him off, I know.

Financially I'll be okay, I own my own house and I've got a decent job and a good maternity package. My elder child is in school so I'll only have childcare for one to pay for although it will still be a big hit.

In terms of financial support from him we hadn't really spoken about it as I guess it's still early days before the 12 week scan. I imagined he would want to support his child given that he was going through all the motions of being involved.

I think I will be going to CMS regardless of what he does or says from here on in. I have a feeling after yesterday that he may go down the road of denying the baby is his all together and thinking it will just go away. I understand if I go to CMS and name him as the father they will ask him to do and DNA test, and if he refuses they assume he is and name him (so would be in his best interests to do one)?

I don't mean this to sound horrible or like it's a punishment but although I've made the choice to keep the baby, he had every part in making it. Even if he doesn't want to see the child (fair) I want to make sure in some way that he isn't able to "deny" him/her. He's never going to be able to pretend he doesn't have a child if he's paying maintenance.

I can't say what he does as it's too outing but he does have a well paid job and it's not the kind of job he can or would walk away from (not for the next few years anyway), think something like an MP and vaguely in the public eye. So going self employed wouldn't be an option for him to avoid maintenance.

He sounds horrendous. You are “never going to get anyone else” and you’ve “already got someone else”. That makes no sense. He’s clearly being emotionally abusive and trying to upset you / doubt yourself. Don’t listen to him

I would definitely get a CMS claim in as soon as you can

Yes what he was saying doesn't make sense and it was definitely to be emotionally abusive/manipulative.

He also said that we could have been having a baby together in 2 or 3 years as a happy couple, but instead it's my fault that he now resents me because of this pregnancy... I don't know what planet he's on- we were already broken up!!!

Almost all tailored to make me feel now like it's my fault that my baby doesn't have a Dad :(

@notmyear Congratulations on your pregnancy. I would call the police and log this behaviour just as a precaution if he starts again or gets worse. They don't have to speak to him if you don't want them too but if you call them in an emergency they will act faster as you have already logged the complaint.

Block him on all platforms and change your number.

Don't put him on the birth certificate and then only you have parental responsibility for your child. He will have to prove himself to gain it through court.

He's being very clever doing this in person and via telephone so there's no trace, please log it with the police for peace of mind.

He has shown you who he really is. A lucky escape by the sound of it. Congrats on your pregnancy. Get your CMS claim in - he should still support his child financially.

@PMAmostofthetime thank you for the advice. I did think about logging it with the police just to have it on record, I do know nothing would happen given like you say it was in person and one word against the other.

I'm still so upset though doing a little better. I keep thinking of more and more things he said. I was so upset on the day it all became a bit of a blur.

He implied I'm quite "scummy" for already having one child to a different father, asking why I would want another one, and when am I "going to stop" 🤔

But I was good enough to have a relationship with and have unprotected sex with...

@notmyear they can speak to him and advise him, but you can also ask them just to log it, I would do it though given you have another child who would be affected if he turned up ranting and raving. I'd also think about getting a ring doorbell so you can she who's at your door.

He's emotionally abusing you and that can not happen.

He sounds like an awful person and I'm sorry he's putting you through this. Your right it takes 2 to tango and he was all in, it wasn't a one night stand ignore him, he's trying to shame you into having an abortion to make his life easier.

I wonder if he's met someone else and that's the reason he's turned.

Look after yourself for your little one and your baby x