Infertile in-law won’t talk to us

[BlueBunny23]

Me and my partner have a son who is 4. I got pregnant I’ll be honest here, the first time I slept with him, we had been together for 8 months at the time of getting to know each other and we slept together end of October 2017 and I got pregnant immediately. His brother was so happy for us, his girlfriend was not and she stopped speaking to us. She blocked us on social media. We bumped into them at shopping and she walked the other way only the brother spoke to us. I asked what’s wrong? Why she block us? He said she’s upset your pregnant. After my baby was born we didn’t see her for a while or rather we did when we visited in-laws and she turned up and sat staring at my newborn that was being passed around but didn’t speak a word to anyone I felt so uncomfortable. After 2 years she unblocked me and I bumped into her one night she was drunk and she apologised to me about it all said she’s been trying for a baby for so long 15 years and can’t have one bur her partner has twins from his previous marriage girl and boy and she made him stop seeing them because all she wants is a girl! She told me please don’t have anymore babies I can’t handle it. I then got pregnant and I’m due very soon with a girl, I kept it a secret in the hope of not upsetting her until I no longer could but I felt this wasn’t fair on the rest of the in-law family who were so happy. I got blocked again but this time my partner and mum got blocked! So blocked all around! I seen the brother loads of times he’s so happy for us always asks how I feel how long left can’t wait to meet her when she’s here. But I’m so worried about visiting the in-laws with the new baby incase she turns up again and sits staring at my baby from a distance throwing dirty looks to her like she did with my son.
i don’t want to feel this way I want to enjoy the birth of my baby and taking her to visit her family. Has anyone else had in-laws who can’t have children and go off like this when you have children? How do you deal with it once baby arrives? I don’t want to upset her anymore than I already have

She’s a nutter

Ignore

I can’t believe she’s stopped her partner seeing his children. So she’s willing to do that which I’m sure will be affecting more than just him and the kids (Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc) yet she expects you to pussy foot around her because she doesn’t want to experience any pain! What’s she like usually? Is she generally ok or has she exhibited these strange behaviours before? I sympathize with anyone that is unable to conceive but her behavior is totally unacceptable and just plain childish to be honest. You’ve got something that she can’t have so she’s having a tantrum. Please don’t let this ruin your pregnancy.

Raas. She's absolutely mental. Just forget about her completely.

See your other inlaws without her, they should be as worried about your feelings as hers and shouldn’t expect you to tolerate an awkward meeting where anyone is rude to you. Invite them to yours and don’t go there if you think she’ll be invited.

How do his parents feel about losing contact with their grandchildren because their son is so gutless? I’d have thought that was plenty of motivation for them to keep you close and happy.

Infertility is awful but it doesn’t give you carte blanche to be shitty to people. Asking you to not have anymore children is just incredible. I wouldn’t have seen her again after that, it’s mad.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, you’re allowed to be happy and do what’s right for your own family. Your partner needs to create some boundaries with his family and brother so you’re not put in horrible situations now or when your baby is here. Protect yourself and your children. You haven’t done anything wrong and have nothing to apologise for.

she is not stopping your BIL from seeing his kids, he is doing it, that's all on him although obviously unreasonable of her to ask this.

Sadly it sounds like she needs some serious professional help, keep your distance and disengage mentally if you can

Don't worry about upsetting her. She has her own issues she needs to sort out. What you can do if you wanted for your sake is if she starts playing up at family gatherings is leave. She can be civil, if she is hurting she should leave but make clear you will not have your children treated like they have no right to be there.

Fab advice here. I'd follow this personally.

There's nothing you can do to alter her behaviour, but just to say that that's a rather cruel title for your thread.

Your BIL is a right piece of work, there is nobody on this earth for whom I would stop seeing my children. How could he let this woman stop his from seeing them? I hope he ignores her and does go to see them.

That or she is emotionally abusive.

This. Poor woman, she needs sympathy.

I understand her hurting, infertility is so heartbreaking. However she can't just stop talking to people because they are pregnant or have children, why on earth should she expect anyone to put their lives on hold just to stop her being upset. I remember when i had a miscarriage, there were a couple of people due around the same time as i would have been on my fb, i unfollowed them rather than blocked them, but no way would I have told anyone they can't get pregnant or talk about it etc. Your BIL needs to grow some balls and see his children.

I wonder what people would make of a male partner who banned his partner from seeing her children?
She needs professional help and he needs to refuse her irrational request.

Enjoy your children and leave it to you husband to deal with his brother.

I’m nearly always on the ‘side’ of the woman
struggling With infertility as it’s mush such an awful thing for a person to have to go through, and the emotions of it can just fuck you up, but her behaviour is awful. Towards you, it’s not really great altho not massively terrible, but insisting her boyfriend doesn’t see his children is awful. And he’s an absolute cunt for abandoning them on her say so.
just let it go over your head, it doesn’t affect yiu. She’s got you blocked so there’s no interaction and she doesn’t speak when she does see you so all good. Congratulations

She sounds very unwell but I think "infertile in law" is a bit cruel.

Im in two minds on this... some of her behavior is out of line but also many people dont realise infertility has higher levels of depression than terminal cancer, it cuts REALLY deep and withdrawl is completely normal and healthy.

I completely understand her self protecting and withdrawing from the situations, she doesnt need to be involved in your pregnancy, you arent owed her attention at her own cost and it hurts her so no one should expect her to be in a situation painful too her.

I went through a decade of infertility and loss, I didnt block people but I switched off notifications for every pregnant friend on facebook because I just couldnt handle it after my loss - Non of them have ever even noticed because we still show as friends and they can still see my posts if they want, luckily I have obtained success and that hurt has faded now and seeing pregnancy and babies no longer hurt but I do remember the pain.

But she should not be telling others not to have children or banning he husband from seeing children, she can withdrawn and protect herself but she doesnt get to oppress others.

her partner has twins from his previous marriage girl and boy and she made him stop seeing them because all she wants is a girl!

she had my sympathy up until I read this. I understand fertility issues can be incredibly painful but stopping a relationship between a parent a child is horrible. And absolute shame on her partner for agreeing to this.

She has unfortunately found a way to make everything worse for herself. Now her narrative is not only that other people have children when she doesn’t, which is obviously heartbreaking, but that they deliberately went ahead and had children to hurt her, which as others have said is batshit. She needs help - but all you can do is avoid.

She has prevented her partner from seeing his own children? Did I read that right?

So she's not speaking to any of you, convinced her partner not to see his children and told you not to have a baby.

Why is everyone tolerating this shit from her? I'm empathetic to a point, infertility is a horrible place to be but her behaviour is disgusting.

I hope your brother in law sees his children, I can't believe he ditched them on his girlfriends say so. Awful.

We had this in our family 40 years ago. my Aunt (mum's older sister ) couldn't have children ( Anorexia left her infertile). She stopped all contact with my mum when she got pregnant with me. No contact until a few years later when she adopted a baby and wanted cousins for her adopted children. Very difficult relationship always between my mum and her .I literally can't ever remember m y Aunt talking to me directly by choice ever. Although she liked us to play with her adopted children and wanted that extended family set up for them
The reality is there is nothing you can do in the circumstances. You do have children and she is very jealous and obviously struggling. Be kind but accept it is what it is.

Fair point. Either way, you would expect the family ( both his and the OP's) to step in and try to help if this is the case. There are two little children who have been adandoned, and BIL's ex left to pick up the pieces.

You know that phrase ‘you do you’. That’s all you need to do right now. Just carry on, see grandparents without her being there and enjoy your baby. She’s batshit and if your bil has stopped seeing her kids then he’s just as bad.

He kept the crazy girlfriend but binned his children?

His priorities are all wrong. As for her asking you to please have no more children: That's not normal behaviour.

She is batshit, but so is he for pandering to it.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

She asked you not to get pregnant and told her partner he can't see his own kids. She seriously needs help. It's horrible bit it's really not your problem.