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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

i didn’t wake to baby crying!

47 replies

fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 22:27

hey i feel awful and guilty! please be honest and tell me if i’m a bad mum 😔

im a first time mum with a newborn who is only 3 weeks. it’s been very difficult but the best thing ever to adjust to the new lifestyle and have a little baby depend on their every need. baby sleeps during the day and loves to be awake during the night. she loves to stay in my arms rather than be put down in a moses basket which has been very hard for nights. there’s been quite a few nights where i’ve been awake all the way through because she just wouldn’t sleep. many sleepless nights as well as breastfeeding is exhausting.

im only breastfeeding at the moment so even though my partner is helpful i still need to wake up for feeding her. i try to nap during the day but again i need to wake up to feed her.

a few nights ago i fed her around 5am and put her down and then went to sleep with my partner. i woke up to my MIL shaking me to wake me up. i had no idea what had happened! she said to me that she heard baby crying for around 10 minutes and then got up to see what was going on. there’s a little latch on the door from inside and i must have put it on before sleeping bcos my in laws are very nosey so MIL was on knocking on the door and there was no answer from us. luckily they had a key for the door where you can open it from outside and that’s how they got in. god knows how long we would have been sleeping for! apparently me and my partner was in a deep sleep! my partner has always been a deep sleeper so i understand but i’ve always been a light sleeper so i don’t know what happened to me!! imagine if we was on our own and we would have left her crying! how could this happen? i’m so scared to sleep now incase i don’t hear my baby crying and go off into a deep sleep.

no matter how exhausted i am being a first time mum i left my 3 week old baby crying! i feel so awful already with baby blues but now i do even more and guilty i left my baby crying for 10-15 minutes maybe even longer!! i feel like the worst mum ever when i’m trying my best to give my baby everything and more

OP posts:
Sussex34 · 20/08/2022 22:31

When I had my DD my main worry was that as a deep sleeper I wouldn’t wake up to her crying. I am sure there were times that she was crying for a little bit before I woke up - the exhaustion in the first few weeks is real!! All I can say is please, please do not beat yourself up over this. Your baby will be none the wiser and it’s probably quite unlikely to happen again. You’re doing a fab job.

Imogensmumma · 20/08/2022 22:35

Firstly, I highly doubt it was 10 mins probably a minute so don’t beat yourself up.

I have a 5 week old baby and hake woken in surprise that my partner was beside the bed holding her, I’m a light sleeper and did not hear a thing from her!!

This newborn stage is tough!! Give yourself credit and rest when you need to 💕💕💕

October2020 · 20/08/2022 22:35

Why is your baby not in your room with you? I'm sure you know that sleeping in a separate room is a big SIDS risk. Or is baby in your room but you didn't hear baby?

Sleep exhaustion is real. We did shifts to get through it. As nosy as your MIL is, maybe she could do some shifts so you can catch up.

Hyggeandhugs · 20/08/2022 22:36

I think you're being really unfair to yourself. It sounds like you are a loving caring mum and this doesn't change that. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect. I'm sure this happens more than any of of us realise, it's just you happened to have an audience! Flowers

TooHotToTangoToo · 20/08/2022 22:38

You say your MIL is nosey which is why you out the latch on, are you sure it was 10 mins, not your MIL just being nosey?

As for 10 minutes, it won't hurt the baby, it takes time to adjust

thingsarestrange · 20/08/2022 22:39

Don’t worry, your fine - we all fall asleep and wake to crying babies - god knows how long they cry for before we wake! Usually no one there to tell u !!

Original poster
fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 22:41

October2020 · 20/08/2022 22:35

Why is your baby not in your room with you? I'm sure you know that sleeping in a separate room is a big SIDS risk. Or is baby in your room but you didn't hear baby?

Sleep exhaustion is real. We did shifts to get through it. As nosy as your MIL is, maybe she could do some shifts so you can catch up.

my baby is in my room but we both didn’t wake up which is so worrying for me because im normally a light sleeper!

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 20/08/2022 22:44

MIL is probably being dramatic about 10 minutes.

You're a new mum, don't beat yourself up about it. Most of us don't wake up the second our babies cry.

To make you feel better. When I had DS before I went to sleep (in the hospital) I set alarms for his feeds as he had to have his bloods done because I had GD. One alarm was 1am. I was just waking up to my alarm at 1:01am and the midwife walked in at the same time (to check his blood sugars) and put on my notes 'mother had to be woken to feed baby' 🤣. 1 minute 🤣.

Original poster
fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 22:44

Hyggeandhugs · 20/08/2022 22:36

I think you're being really unfair to yourself. It sounds like you are a loving caring mum and this doesn't change that. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect. I'm sure this happens more than any of of us realise, it's just you happened to have an audience! Flowers

thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ i really needed to hear this! thank you

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 20/08/2022 22:45

OP it's called complete and utter total exhaustion for both of you

You are both human.

You need to tag team. So one of you is awake if the other is asleep. However if it doesn't work don't beat yourselves up as this will pass.

Plus you luckily have other adults in your household who have the primal instinct to prevent your baby - their blood relation - from dying.

Original poster
fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 22:48

ALSO i forgot to add .. my FIL and SIL was very angry at us for not waking up and said he was going to break the door down. i feel like everyone thinks i’m a bad mum. he said to bring her into his room and let her sleep there which makes me feel even worse.

OP posts:
5zeds · 20/08/2022 22:49

Get some sleep and you will wake next time. Babies CAN wait, imagine it was your second and you were mid nappy change with your first. The baby would have to wait.

flowerexpress · 20/08/2022 23:00

fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 22:48

ALSO i forgot to add .. my FIL and SIL was very angry at us for not waking up and said he was going to break the door down. i feel like everyone thinks i’m a bad mum. he said to bring her into his room and let her sleep there which makes me feel even worse.

That's a terrible and surely inappropriate way for them to respond :( No wonder you feel so upset. Could your dh speak to them about that? 💐

SarahAndQuack · 20/08/2022 23:03

This doesn't sound like a healthy set-up with your in-laws.

I can't understand why anyone would be angry with you if you had slept through your baby crying - why on earth would they not want to help and look after you? Your DP ought to tell his family to back off.

It is possible you didn't wake up because your baby wasn't really properly crying. You will be tuned into the baby's sounds, and something that sounds like a cry to someone else, might be a noise your brain processes as perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. When my DD was newborn she made this horrendous moaning noise - but it was just how she went to sleep! She wasn't hungry or in pain, and we very soon learned not to wake up to that noise.

YesitsBess · 20/08/2022 23:03

I hope you’re planning on moving out from there at some point? Don’t need people like that around you. Breaking the door down indeed.

That aside, if it makes you feel any better I fell asleep once with my daughter beside me on the bed after a feed, completely exhausted. Woke up to her crying but could not find her. Absolute waking nightmare. After what felt like an hour scrabbling about looking, it turns out she had rolled off the bed onto a heap of laundry and then rolled under the bed. I felt awful for weeks and the memory still gives me chills.

She's 22 now, and travelling before Uni. She bears me no ill will over the incident :)

Express some milk, hand over to dad and get some sleep if you can. You’re a good mum.

MissMaple82 · 20/08/2022 23:30

I struggle to understand how you could sleep through it tbh. Once I had my first my senses all heightened, the slightest movement woke me up. Without sounding harsh, I'd be concerned about not hearing them in the future

SarahAndQuack · 20/08/2022 23:33

MissMaple82 · 20/08/2022 23:30

I struggle to understand how you could sleep through it tbh. Once I had my first my senses all heightened, the slightest movement woke me up. Without sounding harsh, I'd be concerned about not hearing them in the future

People are really different, though, and so are babies. Like I say, I very soon learned to block out my DD's weird moaning 'sleep' noise. Other people were sure she was crying or in pain, but she wasn't! So it never woke me up. Isn't it possible the baby was making whimpering noises that the OP has already subconsciously learned are not real crying?

SarahAndQuack · 20/08/2022 23:35

Oh, and my DP, who's the bio mum, was so drugged on morphine she never really woke for DD. Surely, if the OP isn't waking for cries, her family could step in and be helpful rather than being so rude and unpleasant?

YesitsBess · 20/08/2022 23:36

MissMaple82 · 20/08/2022 23:30

I struggle to understand how you could sleep through it tbh. Once I had my first my senses all heightened, the slightest movement woke me up. Without sounding harsh, I'd be concerned about not hearing them in the future

Mean and unhelpful. There’s a world of difference between a baby mithering and properly crying. As @SarahAndQuack says it could well be the in-laws being dramatic.

DelurkingAJ · 20/08/2022 23:37

I did this once when DS1 (a very healthy nearly 10 year old now) was similarly tiny. Middle of the day and I fed him, put him in the cot and lay down…woke to DH gently shaking me because I’d slept through DS1 waking and wailing. Bless him, DH was just really worried about me. And that’s what everyone should be for you…you’re exhausted and that’s normal, but miserable. You’ll be fine!

vdbfamily · 20/08/2022 23:45

your baby is safe and you are exhausted. You cannot always respond immediately to a child crying however much you wish to. Imagine if you had twins. Imagine if it was second child or third and they were all crying at the same time. Babies cry and despite what you may read on MN it will do no lasting damage to have to wait a bit, unless their needs are continually ignored over a long period of time.
They are not thing for long and life gets a bit less exhausting eventually x

Original poster
fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 23:46

SarahAndQuack · 20/08/2022 23:03

This doesn't sound like a healthy set-up with your in-laws.

I can't understand why anyone would be angry with you if you had slept through your baby crying - why on earth would they not want to help and look after you? Your DP ought to tell his family to back off.

It is possible you didn't wake up because your baby wasn't really properly crying. You will be tuned into the baby's sounds, and something that sounds like a cry to someone else, might be a noise your brain processes as perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. When my DD was newborn she made this horrendous moaning noise - but it was just how she went to sleep! She wasn't hungry or in pain, and we very soon learned not to wake up to that noise.

my MIL is sure that my baby was properly crying for 10-15 minutes and not whimpering. my FIL has mentioned before ‘oh just give her a bottle’ because apparently my breast milk is not making her full that why she keeps crying. that’s not true because she has been putting a healthy amount of weight on. and he said he only wanted to break the door down and take her in his room because she was crying that much.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 20/08/2022 23:50

fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 23:46

my MIL is sure that my baby was properly crying for 10-15 minutes and not whimpering. my FIL has mentioned before ‘oh just give her a bottle’ because apparently my breast milk is not making her full that why she keeps crying. that’s not true because she has been putting a healthy amount of weight on. and he said he only wanted to break the door down and take her in his room because she was crying that much.

Show quote history

That's really not a normal reaction from them. Wanting to break the door down?! How frightening for you.

Do you have anyone who will advocate for you with them?

I do think I would be keen to keep telling them the baby is clearly healthy, putting on weight well, so they must stop creating crises when there's nothing wrong.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 23:59

Your FIL is an arse.

Moving out would seem a good plan

MarmiteCoriander · 21/08/2022 00:12

I'd be changing the locks tomorrow OP! The in-laws are intrusive and over stepping. I can't imagine mine A) having a key and B) walking into my bedroom and walking ME up- rather than their own son!!!

You are both clearly knackered. You are new parents!

You can get monitors for the babies bed which will alarm a phone if there is excessive shaking such as a seizure or crying. You might wake to a phone alarm, even when tired, as its something your brain might be more used to.

baby is only 3 weeks old. Its ALL new to you, partner and baby. Give yourselves a break. You are doing a great job- but unless in laws are helpful and supportive- tell them to butt out.