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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

i didn’t wake to baby crying!

47 replies

fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 22:27

hey i feel awful and guilty! please be honest and tell me if i’m a bad mum 😔

im a first time mum with a newborn who is only 3 weeks. it’s been very difficult but the best thing ever to adjust to the new lifestyle and have a little baby depend on their every need. baby sleeps during the day and loves to be awake during the night. she loves to stay in my arms rather than be put down in a moses basket which has been very hard for nights. there’s been quite a few nights where i’ve been awake all the way through because she just wouldn’t sleep. many sleepless nights as well as breastfeeding is exhausting.

im only breastfeeding at the moment so even though my partner is helpful i still need to wake up for feeding her. i try to nap during the day but again i need to wake up to feed her.

a few nights ago i fed her around 5am and put her down and then went to sleep with my partner. i woke up to my MIL shaking me to wake me up. i had no idea what had happened! she said to me that she heard baby crying for around 10 minutes and then got up to see what was going on. there’s a little latch on the door from inside and i must have put it on before sleeping bcos my in laws are very nosey so MIL was on knocking on the door and there was no answer from us. luckily they had a key for the door where you can open it from outside and that’s how they got in. god knows how long we would have been sleeping for! apparently me and my partner was in a deep sleep! my partner has always been a deep sleeper so i understand but i’ve always been a light sleeper so i don’t know what happened to me!! imagine if we was on our own and we would have left her crying! how could this happen? i’m so scared to sleep now incase i don’t hear my baby crying and go off into a deep sleep.

no matter how exhausted i am being a first time mum i left my 3 week old baby crying! i feel so awful already with baby blues but now i do even more and guilty i left my baby crying for 10-15 minutes maybe even longer!! i feel like the worst mum ever when i’m trying my best to give my baby everything and more

OP posts:

GiselleRose · 21/08/2022 00:26

I wouldn’t take your MILs word for the duration of 10 minutes given the context of them being nosey and giving you a hard time about not waking - and the bottle comment. Don’t let them push you around or make you feel that you’re a bad mum.You’re new parents, it’s exhausting, baby was crying therefore she was fine, you would have woken up eventually.

You must assert yourself around them now and work on moving out if you can.

MarshaMelrose · 21/08/2022 00:37

That's really not a normal reaction from them. Wanting to break the door down?! How frightening for you.

To be fair, the in-laws must have shouted for them to wake up and knocked on the door before opening it. And neither of them woke til the op was actually being physically shaken. So I can understand why the FIL was shaken up and maybe over-reacted.

No shade on you, though, op. I was similar. I can sleep through a brass band and I so understand that total weariness that leads to being dead to the world. It happens. Loads more will happen too. But you'll be a great mum and she'll grow up just fine.

FirstFallopians · 21/08/2022 00:40

The first night we were home from the hospital I was so exhausted I didn’t wake to dd (who was in a cot six inches from my face)crying. Thankfully DH was there to take care of her, but I was dead to the world. I’m not a particularly heavy sleeper, so I was pretty shocked.

But once I got that one nights sleep, it didn’t happen again. Don’t be so hard on yourself- you’re mentally and physically exhausted.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/08/2022 00:42

Do you live with them OP? If you don't, I would send them packing.

I'm really sorry this happened - your PIL are being ridiculous. Babies cry, and yes we deal with that. But remember, you didn't make your baby cry. Nothing will happen if she's left to cry for a little while, even if you feel bad because you didn't wake.

I also don't believe your baby could possibly have been crying for as long as MIL said. I genuinely don't.

Change123today · 21/08/2022 00:43

I remember being so knackered with a colicky baby who was very unsettled one night …I was so tired! I woke up to my Mum shaking me too wake me up!
I wasn’t breastfeeding so my Mum could have been helpful maybe and fed the baby as she must have realised I was very tired!

My daughter is now 19 & can safely say no long term damage!

GrowBabyGrow · 21/08/2022 00:57

OP have you posted before about your in-laws and how they've got very strong, controlling opinions about how you should parent? I remember a poster who said about their MIL insisting they would come in if baby was crying in the night and a FIL who insisted feeding was the solution to every cry... If you are the poster I'm thinking of then my first thought is that your IL are exaggerating to get their own way and prove that they know better than you!

octoberfarm · 21/08/2022 01:08

Oh love, please don't listen to your in laws. You love her more than anything in the world, and you are human. The newborn weeks are HARD. Like, one of the hardest parenting things anyone has to live through! The sleep exhaustion is real and I definitely slept through crying when mine were little and woke up to them tearful and felt awful. But now? I promise they are affectionate, happy, sweet kids. They don't remember and she won't. All she'll remember is how loved she was and how you did your very best. I suspect your in laws have either forgotten how hard the newborn period is, or how to be kind, but probably both. Please don't beat yourself up, you're doing brilliantly at a really hard job. Just keep going and I promise it will get better

cadburydarkmilk · 21/08/2022 01:43

'oh just give her a bottle’

Ok, you need to get some distance and boundaries set right now
This is your baby. This is not their baby to raise she is their granddaughter. You're her mum and you know best.
Sorry - I can't stand pushy bottle people!!

As for what happened, please don't beat yourself up. You are a new mum and you're exhausted. When things like this happen early it sometimes sets triggers for next time. DS choked in his sleep and couldn't breathe when he was 8 weeks. He was ok but I got the fright of my life when I had to lift him out of bed, turn him over and pat really hard. I was so scared it would happen again that he couldn't cough or make a peep and my eyes were open no matter how deep a sleep I was in. You might be the same

mummalog · 21/08/2022 02:20

Tell them to fuck off it's not the end of the world. Clearly you must have been exhausted. As long as baby is in a safe sleeping space no harm done. You would have woken up eventually. When I was in hospital after my first I didn't wake up quite a few occasions, the midwife's had to come wake me 😂

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2022 02:24

Your MIL is a cow and I'd bet my house it wasn't even close to 10 minutes.

You are exhausted, and even if it was 10 minutes, your baby would have been perfectly fine. But it wasn't 10 minutes, I guarantee it.

Get out of their house, ASAP.

Jaaxe · 21/08/2022 18:47

OP please don’t beat yourself up over this! You are bound to be exhausted. Your mil and Fil should be supporting you in these early stages not making you feel worse. Honestly we have all been there feeling exhausted especially when it’s your first and you aren’t used to the lack of sleep!

@PinkButtercups that’s funny because I have a similar story (although I didn’t set my alarm)….after I’d had a hideous 3 day Labour with my first that ended in a pretty traumatic emergency section - I hadn’t slept for the 3 days prior that I was in Labour as I was in so much pain and when they gave me the spinal in theatre I nearly fell asleep during her birth cz the pain had gone - anyway I managed to keep my eyes open thanks to my other half keeping shoving me 🤣 but I fell straight to sleep when we got to the ward and my other half had to keep waking me to feed her, he left after a few hours and I stayed up with her for a bit then we both went sleep as I was still exhausted, I woke to a midwife waking me up to feed the baby and she wrote it in my notes too “didn’t wake to baby crying” I felt terrible. Wonder why they write it in your notes. Turned out I was severely anaemic and ended up needing a blood transfusion the day after though which won’t have helped x

Scorpio8 · 21/08/2022 19:17

@fabulousmama

Your a new mum and please don't feel bad it happens.
Don't listen to your in-laws and don't let them take over your baby.
They are out of order telling you to put your baby on the bottle.
Definitely start looking for your own place you will be able to breathe.
Please don't listen to some unhelpful comments on here because they make you even more nervous with your baby.
But you had some great advice.

RunningFromInsanity · 21/08/2022 19:26

'oh just give her a bottle’

Your FIL has gone about it the wrong way, but if you are that exhausted then why are you martyring yourself by exclusively breast feeding? Express some milk or use formula so that your partner can feed the baby whilst you get a decent chunk of sleep.

All the benefits of breast feeding are going to be pointless if you are too tired to function.

ContSalw · 21/08/2022 19:26

I didn't wake to my vaby crying. Me and my sister in law had both taken our babies downstairs to the lounge as they'd woken up.

I'd put my baby in the bouncer. He woke up again, my sister in law was trying to wake me and couldn't.

She was about to put my baby on her boob when I reached down in my sleep. Picked him up, and fed him.

You'd have woken eventually, don't worry about it. I doubt it was 10 mins, and even if it was, the baby is fine.

Heyln · 21/08/2022 19:40

fabulousmama · 20/08/2022 22:48

ALSO i forgot to add .. my FIL and SIL was very angry at us for not waking up and said he was going to break the door down. i feel like everyone thinks i’m a bad mum. he said to bring her into his room and let her sleep there which makes me feel even worse.

This is ridiculous. Do they have absolutely no boundaries?!! It's not their baby, they can keep their opinions to themselves the cheeky buggers. I feel suffocated by them just imagining being in your shoes. They sound an absolute nightmare to live with. You would have woken up eventually..it probably wasn't even as long as they say...and even if it was, nothing bad would have happened to baby. They are safe in their cot. All that would have happened is they would have screamed louder and louder which would have woken you up after a little while. I would be furious if someone broke into my private space to shake me awake.

2pinkginsplease · 21/08/2022 19:43

Please don’t feel bad, you are exhausted! It happens to the best of us.

id be doing everything in my power to be able to move out, any decent grandparent would be supporting you not putting you down or making you feel bad.

bellaboo90 · 21/08/2022 19:47

The fact that you are worrying about this and beating yourself up over it proves what a great, caring mum you are!! I am a seriously light sleeper and I’ve had these moments (still do now 3 years on!). No harm done. Parenting is exhausting, especially in those early stages. You’re just like the rest of us, don’t worry! x

P.S. mums/MILs can go a bit baby crazy haha don’t worry about it. So dramatic of her!

MyCousinDaphne · 21/08/2022 19:48

I was once so tired with DD1, I put her in her cot at a non-nap time and laid down on the floor. I woke 3.5 hours later. DD was awake but not crying. I have no idea what she was doing in that time, since she usually fed every 2.5 hours and woke up every 30 minutes! Husband was at work. But she was safe in her cot and no harm was done. Exhaustion is a real thing and you must look after yourself. You are doing a great job.

Oncilla · 23/08/2022 00:09

Genuinely believe in mother's instinct.
You were exhausted but if the baby had done the "right" kind of cry there's no way you wouldn't have woken.
The only way I could tame new baby anxiety was to rationalise that the human race wouldn't have got this fair if babies were as easy to accidentally neglect as some make out. When they are inside you they are parasitic, they're not going to quietly wither away once they are out. That little bundle has one aim, get needs met and it will use any means necessary to get that done. Currently that's crying, your baby was probably only at the "excuse me, where are you" level. By the "save me, I've been abandoned to the wolves" stage you would have woken up.

Your partner needs to tame the in-laws.

PMAmostofthetime · 23/08/2022 00:22

@fabulousmama Stop beating yourself up like others have said if you were living alone you would have woken and not known how long they were crying and would haven never known about it- so it's probably happens to loads of people. If you have an iPhone there's a setting that you can set to baby's cry which will wake you up with alarms and vibration after a set amount of time. Put this on and then you'll know if your baby was crying the amount of time she states next time x

Pompom2367 · 23/08/2022 00:23

Op you are doing amazing three weeks old is still in the adjustment period. I am sure more of us have done this and not realized as no one was there to tell us mum guilt is horrible when DD was 5 weeks old I cut her finger by accident with nail clippers and was really hard on myself felt like the worst mum ever! We are mums doing our best and I'm sure DD was fine after her feed so do not feel bad

CSR721 · 24/08/2022 23:16

Honestly I'm more concerned that you need to gtfo of this house with your in laws bc their reaction is dangerous for your mental health. Baby is in the cot - they're safe, just hungry. Crying for a while isn't going to harm them, you would have woken eventually. Seriously get rid of the in laws for your own sanity.

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