@AV2022 I am happy to talk about it, it's part of my therapy! I had always assumed we would have 2 kids (I have a sibling, DH has 2 sibs, most of my friends growing up were two child households). We had a pretty hard time conceiving DC 1, 2 miscarriages and about 18 months in total. I had a not great labor, was induced and DC was in distress right before born so also not great. I had PND, an infected episiotomy, a hormone imbalance leading to 9 months of insomnia etc. etc. so not a great start. I also had a reasonably difficult time adjusting initially to motherhood, although by about a year I was very happy we had a DC but still felt I didn't want another. I felt A LOT of pressure from society, family, all my friends having at least 2 DC etc so it's been on my mind pretty much constantly since I gave birth. Earlier this year I kind of managed to talk myself into thinking we could solve all my fears which were mainly:
- Having a disabled child, this is statistically very unlikely but was a big source of anxiety because of how badly I think I would cope with it, and a deep fear that I would regret a child if they had a disability that severely impacted our family's lives.
- Baby not sleeping, DC 1 was a magical sleeper and I barely coped, having a bad sleeper felt like it would break me.
- Money - DH and I are both high earners well into 6 figures, but both have big savings goals and live pretty conservatively within our means, I often feel anxious about money. So while on paper, we can totally afford another DC, I was anxious about the impact to our lifestyle (ie, saving 50% of our income, at least one long haul holiday a year, being able to afford supporting a good food chain, DC in a nursery we really like etc). With DC 1 we have had a nanny since I went back to work after mat leave and that's been really wonderful, but it's cost close to £4K/month and that would not be affordable second time around.
- To some extent space in our home, we have a 4 bed house but a pretty small outside space, coming back to money, on paper we can afford about 2x the mortgage we have so could buy a bigger house with a yard (DH and I both WFH full time so do kind of need additional rooms) but we both want to pay the mortgage off early, save for a retirement where we don't see a dip in lifestyle etc. We also want to be able to live ok on one income in case something happens and someone is long term unemployed etc so essentially one whole income is surplus.
- My personal time, DH and I currently have a great balance, we both work full time but have very relaxed, well paying jobs. I have plenty of time to do my own hobbies, while also actively wanting to spend most of the weekend with DC and not really feeling like I need a break because the weekdays are just not stressful. Dinner is never a rush, taking her to school is relaxed, we just get a pretty chill life.
Honestly though, the final reason is the main one, we have a GOOD life right now, we are happy, DC is happy, we are financially stable. I don't have a deep desire to have another child, I feel like society/friends/family think I should (whether or not they do is a different matter of course!) but I DON'T want to. And that is reason enough not to. It would have been really easy to get swept up into the excitement of prenatal appointments and getting out the baby clothes and everyone else around me feeling excited. But I was just looking for outs, ie, maybe at the 12 week scan there won't be a heart beat, maybe the fetus will have a non viable defect etc. Not the thoughts of someone excited to add to their family.
So I talked myself into thinking it was a good idea, went off birth control and immediately got pregnant. I was basically in non stop tears until I miscarried around 6 weeks. Got pregnant again because... it was really stupid, I saw a really kind midwife who says everyone has magical thinking around their fertility, thinking things will be different, you won't get pregnant/you will etc. I think I thought I wouldn't get pregnant again, or if I did, I would miscarry and then I could sort of tell society that I had TRIED to have a second kid, but woe is me, I had 4 miscarriages so I am ALLOWED to stop. Which is really stupid, but that's where my head was.
A big part of what I had to struggle to get over when deciding to terminate was feeling shame over the decision - it often feels like it is portrayed in the media as something that teenage girls, or people without enough resources to be able to support an additional child need to choose. Not mid thirties, wealthy, very well educated women who are in stable marriages.
Happy to talk more if that feels helpful for you, whatever you decide, I have felt really alone because I don't know anyone else who even considered going through this although the reality is most terminations ARE for women who are older and already have DC, not teenagers. But that group is the quietest.