Arguing with mum during pregnancy

[katieelnewmum]

I usually have a really good relationship with my mum. I tell her everything, she tells me everything. I don't do much without her input (much to the dismay of my husband).

At the end of January we found out we were pregnant and we told my parents straight away..They were very excited as this was their first grandchild. I asked my parents not to tell anyone until after the 12 week scan for many reasons.

However, they kept badgering me and my husband. They wanted us to tell family. They kept going on and on and pretty much forced me to tell some family members like my Nana and two aunties and my sister. I didn't really want to do that so early because I wasn't feeling the way I thought I would about it. I felt really quite axious and not as excited as I thought I would. I was struggling and she guilted me in to telling them when I didn't want to. This ended up causing a massive row between me, her, my husband and my dad and ended with me just giving up as she thought she was right.

Fast forward to 28 weeks pregnant and I've discussed names with my mum (again wanting her approval) which my husband wasn't too happy with again (wish I had listened now). We became pretty set on a certain name. Granted, I didn't tell my mum not to tell anyone, but she goes again and tells my sister, my aunties and my Nana. I then said "can you please stop telling people because we don't want anyone to know yet". This was fine. My father in law unfortunately passed away recently and just before it, I decided to tell him the name as he was never going to know of meet our first child and I thought it was important. I said to my mum "we can't change it now because we've told him what it will be". She took this as she can now tell all her friends.

She went off and told a load of her work friends what his name was. Am I in the wrong for being annoyed at this? I told her I was annoyed and it resulted in a massive argument again because she just kept saying "but you said it was that and that you told your father in law" she doesn't seem to get that that wasn't a pass for her to go ahead and tell people after I'd already told her not to tell anyone.

She's playing the victim again and I know I will be blamed again and it's really upsetting me and making me feel like I cannot trust her at all anymore with anything. I don't know how to get this through to her as she just doesn't think she's done anything wrong?

I mean, I get she’s excited but regardless, she needs to have a bit of respect and learn to respect your wishes and keep quiet. She’s bang out of order and i would also be very annoyed!

Maybe just text her and explain why you’re annoyed and allow her to read it and absorb the information. She should know better x

And don't tell her anything else!

I just can't shake the feeling of being let down by someone who I'm so close to and who I go to for everything.

Granted I did flip striaght away about the name thing because I had been burnt already and made out to be the one in the wrong. Maybe I should have been calmer but I feel like I'm obviously hormonal.

Also, she began to throw back in my face that she said she would look after him when I go back to work to save money and said "I bet you'll start telling me what I can and can't do with him" I said "well maybe as he is my child mum".

I think she thinks she knows better than me and I should be doing it a certain way and not letting me be in control of anything.

She sounds like she needs to grow up. I would also kick off if my mother done the same. Yes you’re hormonal but you have every right to be angry. You told for father in law for obvious reasons, she needs to understand that. Going forward (as sad and hard as it is) don’t tell her anything. She also doesn’t need to throw anything in your face about looking after your child for you to return to work! You owe her absolutely nothing x

Stop telling her things, you know you can’t trust her, I’m not surprised your DH is annoyed!

And for the love of god, don’t use her for childcare, it will ruin your relationship for ever.

I think you would be making a huge mistake in having her watch baby when you go back to work.

I mean this kindly, you sound unhealthily enmeshed with your mum, that you’ve allowed her a third spot in your marriage and she’s expecting the same third spot in your parenting. You to remove her as your primary parter in your marriage and build better boundaries.

have you considered counselling?

You said yourself that you "don't do much without her input". Is there a reason why you always need to tell her everything and gain her approval? Your DH sounds incredibly understanding. You're a grown adult, you don't need her approval. Obviously it's just my opinion, but I really do think you need to take a huge step back and focus on your relationship with your husband and preparing to be parents together, not constantly involving your mum.

She's just always been my go to person. I tell her everything and she's my best friend.

But she's proved that she can't be trusted with certain information. I do think I involve her in way too much and my husband is very understanding but does also get annoyed with it. I realise I need to take a step back. I want her to take responsibility and admit that she was wrong, but that will never happen ha!

Is she really your best friend? Would a best friend treat you like this?

Your DH is your go to person regarding anything to do with your marriage and children. Not mummy.

Have you heard of “emotional incest”? It would be worth your while looking it up and having a think about whether it applies to your relationship with your mum.

There must be a lot of adjustment going on for you right now, I feel for you. I feel for your husband too, he’s being pushed out of his own family.

Stop telling her everything! No wonder your DH gets pissed off if every decision you make as a couple has to be run past your mum first. You’re an adult. Own your decisions.

'You tainted my first pregnancy and taken some of the joy and excitement away from me. I no longer feel like I can trust you and therefore won't be telling you anything else.'

Imagine if it was the other way around and it was your MIL doing all this. You'd be absolutely furious with DH for even telling her! It goes both ways. I'd be annoyed if I was him.

Sorry for the separate posts but I keep having thoughts.

She's not your best friend, she's your mother. If a best friend disregarded your thoughts and feelings as much as your mother has I think you'd have binned them off months ago.

Tbh I'd change the first name now that she's told everyone, use the previous one as a middle name. Also don't tell her anything else. We're not telling anyone anything until the ink's dried on the birth certificate!

I'm willing to bet that the feeling you have of being let down by your mam, your husband feels let down by you. I'd be fucking livid if I were him.

Your mum sounds very excited to be a grandparent which is lovely but she does seem to overstep the boundaries. I think as she is your mum she probably thinks she knows best even though you are a grown adult and that’s perhaps as you are so close to her and in your own words seek her approval.

I think rather than an argument again between you all I’d sit down and have a conversation with your mum and let her know how you feel. As your mum I’m sure she’d never mean to upset you and perhaps doesn’t realise how upset it’s made you and tell her you want to be able to trust her to keep certain things to herself until you are ready.

Moving forward, I would maybe try and stop seeking your mums approval, trust in yourself that you are able to make good independent decisions. This doesn’t mean you can’t share things with her so long as she’s agreed she’ll think a bit more before blabbing and keep things she’s been asked to keep to herself to herself.

I don’t agree with other posters who’ve said don’t use her for childcare, I think so long as you have established the right boundaries and she knows your the child’s mother and what you say goes you would be silly not to use her for childcare and as a grandparent she definitely deserves a chance. It helps you to have her and also gives her a relationship with her grandchild which is lovely for her.

My mum was my best friend too, there is nothing wrong with you saying that, it’s nice you have that relationship with her and best friends are allowed to fall out and upset each other and still be best friends. My mum passed away a few years ago, I wish she was round to share my pregnancies and children with and help me with childcare even though she would probably do my head in at times too. I maybe have a different view compared to previous posters due to this x

Best friends are equal. A mother and daughter relationship can never be equal. She will always have authority over you. Just stop telling her everything if she can’t keep a secret.

If your best friend said basically they were going to override your decisions about your baby what would you say?

I suspect the relationship has always been weighted but it's only now you've noticed.

It's great you are close to your mum but as a pp said imagine if this was your dh talking to your mil. Your dh has already voiced he's upset. And you've ignored him? Perhaps he's sensed this dynamic isn't healthy.

Honestly your confidante should be your dh. You're supposed to have each other's backs.

And for the love of god don't let her do childcare. She will ignore you. She will do what she wants. It'll only destroy any relationship you have left.

This is the most helpful and understanding comment so far. The rest are more judgemental than actually helpful advice. Some people have massively jumped the gun and started dating some really odd and laughable things but you've hit the nail on the head. I suspect the others don't have good relationships with their parents so don't understand that it's okay to disagree and argue then get over it.

Thanks so much for your advice. I will definitely take it on board what you've said and be firmer with some things but she will always still be my best friend.

This is the most helpful and understanding comment so far. The rest are more judgemental than actually helpful advice. Some people have massively jumped the gun and started dating some really odd and laughable things but you've hit the nail on the head. I suspect the others don't have good relationships with their parents so don't understand that it's okay to disagree and argue then get over it.

Thanks so much for your advice. I will definitely take it on board what you've said and be firmer with some things but she will always still be my best friend.

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Not the case at all. He loves my mum as much as me and wishes he had the relationship with his parents as I do. He understands completely why I tell her things. Yes he gets annoyed at certain things but would never be livid with me being close with her. I tell him everything too and my husband and I have a fantastic relationship with great communication.

i wouldn’t say other peoples comments are judgemental and I don’t see how you can make such a bold assumption that others “don’t have a good relationship with their parents” you asked for peoples opinions and they gave it, don’t like it.. don’t ask?! I agree with other comments and I haven’t argued with my mother since I was a youngster, however it appears you and your mother always have problems.

Ah the irony of calling posters judgmental whilst at the same time declaring they must have a bad relationship with their mums...

Did you just want people to agree with you? You asked for advice. Yes people have to judge by what info you've given us. That's the whole point.

FYI I have a brilliant relationship with my mum. She also looks after my kids occasionally. She asks me how I want certain things done etc because she understands I'm their mum. She wouldn't imply she would rule the roost the way she wanted with my kids...

But I think this is falling on deaf ears. There's no point when posters make personal attacks for advice they don't agree with.

👏🏻👏🏻 Amen!

Maybe I shouldn't comment then, as I do not in fact have a good relationship with my mother. And although losing that closeness was painful, it was very good for me as it pushed me to stand on my own two feet and to stop waiting for someone else to validate my choices.

I wouldn't bother trying to explain to your mother how/why you're upset. Clearly she's not getting it. A conversation about it will just bring more upset on all sides.

But I'd stop volunteering any information about the pregnancy. You don't need to fall out or stop talking to her or anything, just assume that whatever you tell her is going to be public news and don't share anything confidential.

Seriously, my brother and his wife have shared what name they want to use if they have a girl, and I don't need them to spell it out to know it's not my place to share the name with anyone !