Arguing with mum during pregnancy

[katieelnewmum]

I usually have a really good relationship with my mum. I tell her everything, she tells me everything. I don't do much without her input (much to the dismay of my husband).

At the end of January we found out we were pregnant and we told my parents straight away..They were very excited as this was their first grandchild. I asked my parents not to tell anyone until after the 12 week scan for many reasons.

However, they kept badgering me and my husband. They wanted us to tell family. They kept going on and on and pretty much forced me to tell some family members like my Nana and two aunties and my sister. I didn't really want to do that so early because I wasn't feeling the way I thought I would about it. I felt really quite axious and not as excited as I thought I would. I was struggling and she guilted me in to telling them when I didn't want to. This ended up causing a massive row between me, her, my husband and my dad and ended with me just giving up as she thought she was right.

Fast forward to 28 weeks pregnant and I've discussed names with my mum (again wanting her approval) which my husband wasn't too happy with again (wish I had listened now). We became pretty set on a certain name. Granted, I didn't tell my mum not to tell anyone, but she goes again and tells my sister, my aunties and my Nana. I then said "can you please stop telling people because we don't want anyone to know yet". This was fine. My father in law unfortunately passed away recently and just before it, I decided to tell him the name as he was never going to know of meet our first child and I thought it was important. I said to my mum "we can't change it now because we've told him what it will be". She took this as she can now tell all her friends.

She went off and told a load of her work friends what his name was. Am I in the wrong for being annoyed at this? I told her I was annoyed and it resulted in a massive argument again because she just kept saying "but you said it was that and that you told your father in law" she doesn't seem to get that that wasn't a pass for her to go ahead and tell people after I'd already told her not to tell anyone.

She's playing the victim again and I know I will be blamed again and it's really upsetting me and making me feel like I cannot trust her at all anymore with anything. I don't know how to get this through to her as she just doesn't think she's done anything wrong?

My mum did similar. I called my parents on the way home from my first scan to tell them and in the 15 mins it took me to drive to my home she had told all my siblings, called to the neighbours next door and even managed to tell my closest friend. Never been so hurt and I anything to do with my pregnancy I just told her afterwards. She found out my child was born along with everyone else in a group chat.

Stop telling her everything! Your husband is your "go to person". And she is your mother - you may be close, but she really isn't your best friend - the relationship is completely different.

@katieelnewmum OP dd and I are extremely close but I absolutely know that she doesn’t share some things with me, just her dh, and that’s how it should be.
I advised my dd not to tell anyone her baby name choices and she and dsil stuck to that. I found it really frustrating not knowing but it was the right decision imo.

You can be close to your dm but you don’t have to tell her everything.

You are in an enmeshed relationship with your mother. She isn't your best friend. She is your parent. Read up on enmeshment to understand this unhealthy dynamic. In enmeshed relationships the boundaries are blurred or even broken down. She has proved multiple times that she does not respect your requests. So STOP sharing stuff with her. Your husband is your go to person. You are a grown woman and you don't have to go running to mummy with little nuggets of your life to make her proud. I say all this as an enmeshed daughter. It took my mother's death to realise the dynamic. Protect your child and learn about healthy relationships. You have been engulfed by your mother.

Oh this sounds like such a hard situation! Congrats on your pregnancy. Your mum is probably super excited to be a grandmother for the first time and is taking the current relationship you have as permission to overstep boundaries and make everything public. It's probably more out of excitement than malice.

I too have a close relationship with my mum and we're a tell each other everything, best friends type pair. I tend to run lots of stuff past her and major decisions in my life have tended to involve her. My husband has been understanding to a point, but he has had to sit me down and tell me there are two people in our marriage: me and him. And that my decisions shouldn't be centred on her involvement. And that I shouldn't put so much value in her opinion.

I think if I were you, I would avoid telling her anything else. Anything important, anyway. Avoid telling her anything you wouldn't want everyone to know, if she's likely to go and tell them anyway.

It's likely that confronting her again might lead to more rifts, so I would just keep it on the down low for now. Just keep quiet about the important things, keep pregnancy conversations with her light hearted/surface level, and enjoy your pregnancy with your husband.