need help with my in laws!

[fabulousmama]

Im due to give birth soon and also live with my in-laws! Im dreading coming home to them with a newborn as I know how overbearing my MIL is. Since the COVID rules have changed and you can have 2 people there she has tried to invite herself. She has even said my husband doesn’t need to go and she will go as she will be better help.

She’s made comments like after birth you can come home and rest and i’ll look after her. If she cries during the night don’t worry i’ll come into your room and make her quiet which i responded to no, your gonna be in your own room and i’ll have to breastfeed her which only i can do obviously. She said don’t worry about the room .. my other half can sleep downstairs while she sleeps in my bed and every time she says things like this, she laughs a little bit as in she’s joking but she repeats it like she’s serious .. She’s also said i’ll change her nappy for you and take her to X persons house and Y persons house.

My SIL has shown me outfits and things for my baby and said whenever she’s here we’re gonna match on everything .. I was thinking in my head I am her mum and if anyones gonna match it’s gonna be me .. I know she means well but it’s my baby girl not hers .. am i being unreasonable?

ANOTHER thing is as soon as i come home after giving birth the house is gonna be full of guests for probably he next 1-2 weeks. It always happens when someone has a baby or some sort of occasion and seeing as it’s my inlaws house it has to happen that way otherwise they would call me out of the ordinary and wouldn’t look good. Everyone is gonna want to hold her and see her and take over and when am i ever gonna get a chance to bond with her and be with her? Especially straight after birth when women feel tearful and emotional and also protective.

The only time i can sneak away is when i breastfeed and change her nappy.

This is all before even giving birth and it’s making me so anxious and worried that I won’t get any time with her. Im actually on the verge of tears and feeling a lot of emotions right now for what’s to come!

Boundaries now.

MIL, I understand you're excited BUT...

... I want to establish breastfeeding
... I'll need quiet and space to do this
... I need time to bond with my baby
... we need time to bond as family of 3
... your comments are making me feel uncomfortable
... I won't be comfortable passing around my baby when they're very tiny and need me

And start working out how you can move out

Ask your dp to get a lock put on your bedroom door and just retreat there when you need too, keep baby with you

Covid rates are high atm, use that as an excuse for people not to hold her

Is your dp backing you up?

the house is small enough as it is so it doesn’t matter where i go into the house, they will always be there ..

it’s really hard to move out at the moment because everything is so expensive so i feel like i’m stuck

The simple solution is to move out!

Your MIL sounds unhinged, is your partner supportive or will you be dealing with establishing boundaries yourself?

If there is anyway you can move out I’d do so, even if that means a very small flat or a move to a less desirable area. Or is there anyway your own parents can take you in?

Good luck OP

Hang on, where's your partner in this? He needs to back you up and insert himself between his MIL and you and let you concentrate on the baby without dealing with this batshit situation. You are his priority, that's non negotiable. He also needs to get a lock on your bedroom door, sharpish, so you can relax. You then need to work out a plan for getting out from under this roof. Good luck

thanks guys! if only it was that easy to move out. I try to stay upstairs as much as I can because i’m very overwhelmed already not even given birth however they always want me to come downstairs and won’t be able to just stay stuck in one room upstairs.

Could you stay at your parents? Mine would piss me off with a newborn for sure but not half as much as DHs parents would. You need to move out somehow.

If you’re adult enough to have a baby then you should be adult enough to not be living with your in laws. The only thing that will sort this is finding your own home.

I know it is easier said than done, but the only way this will ever be permanently resolved is if you move out.

I know that I just simply couldn't live with this at all, it would be utterly intolerable.

Lots of married couples live with their in laws for religious reasons. OP have you discussed boundaries with your husband? I really feel for you, as in laws can be such hard work, so can your own parents! X

It tends to be more cultural than religious, but that’s irrelevant here as the OP said everything was too expensive.

i have spoken to my husband and he is really supportive saying any of those things won’t happen and their just saying it because their excited but i think there’s defiantly truth in it.

OP are you Asian and in a joint family set up? I’m sorry to say but this will be really difficult if boundaries are not put in place by your Dh. You are risking ppd. Either move out or set some serious boundaries making it clear you are the mother. This is the time your Dh needs to grow a backbone if he hasn’t already. Do you have family who you can stay with? Or can they stay local so they can be near you and shoo them off when they get too much? Although I think this is something your Dh needs to be doing. Otherwise you will be seen as the bad guy and the crap you will get will drive you to depression.

He needs to get his head out of the sand and come up with a plan for when they do start pushing boundaries. Or he will then tell you you’re being dramatic and his family aren’t that bad etc. this has been going on for generations which is why joint family only works when there is respect for the daughter in law but due to misogyny that rarely happens, no matter how nice they seem. There is a reason why daughter in laws are expected to live with in laws and not the other way round. They want to be the ones in charge.

Why do people have children if they can't afford to live independently? I'm sorry but that is madness

In some south Asian culture the eldest son is expected to stay with parents. It’s a patriarchal thing. Then when dw is making noises about boundaries and moving out he comes out with some BS by telling dw that things are too expensive as a way to keep her quiet. Not saying this is what has happened with OP but I can imagine with such an overbearing mil I doubt they’d be ‘allowed’ to move out. Otherwise surely it’s an easy fix? But yes I do agree, if baby is planned then finances should be in order.

OP you need to set boundaries right now, well before you bring the baby home.

I can't imagine living with in-laws (or even family) after giving birth 😣

yes i’m from an asian family so have to live with in laws for the time being. it’s hard for someone who’s not asian to understand but there are a list of reasons. and for the person who said why have a kid if you can’t move out?

if we can’t move out for another 2-3 years hypothetically i can’t put having kids on hold for that long as im not getting any younger.

OP I am south Asian and completely understand but I will tell you you have to take a stand. Women in my culture often don’t want to rock the boat with in laws because they worry about divorce but honestly, if you don’t stand up to them you will be disrespected and won’t have much say over your children. What to feed them, how to discipline them etc. First of all get your husband to tell them exactly how you will be spending the post partum period -bonding with baby and establishing breastfeeding. One thing I like about our culture is the 40 day thing where new mothers are taken care of but some families have a way of bastardising this to mean the new mother serves guests while mil bottled feeds the baby. If they want guests they should not expect you to sit with them. This is for your longterm physical and mental health. If people scupper this time for you you will suffer and carry trauma and nobody will sympathise, they will blame you (if they are the type of in laws I think they are). If your Dh speaks to her now in a calm matter of fact way, mil might grumble but she might get over it and accept what her son says. The real test is whether he can stand up to her then you will know whether you are fighting this battle on your own. You wouldn’t be the first or the last with a husband who couldn’t/wouldn’t stand up to his family but you have to decide what you’re willing to put up with. One thing I will tell you is these type of in laws will never give you a medal for martyring yourself for them, you give them and inch they’ll take a mile so nip it in the bud while you’re able and not dealing with post partum issues and hormones.

Just reading this going ‘oh god no no no no’ 😩 this sounds like actual hell!

I had a section, wasn’t living with my in-laws but even them coming round and landing themselves on us for hours on end was too muchZ I ended up in tears when they left because I just so wanted to grab my baby back off them and go upstairs to sleep. I really wish I had now! It will be so hard to do when they literally live there but you need some really firm ground rules laid out by your husband before the little one arrives. Coming into your room under any circumstances is a no go! It was so hard not to snap at my partner at the start so I cannot imagine how irritating my MIL fumbling about in our room would have been. You’re irrational and cry at anything so this will just make it so much worse. Don’t work yourself up into a frenzy about it, just remember it’s you and your husbands baby and no one else’s. You get to say what happens and when, who gets to hold them and for how long. If at any point you start to get worked up just announce you’re taking the baby up to bed and walk out the room. Don’t do what I did and sit there uncomfortably while they couldn’t care less how I was doing and just wanted to pass about this baby then show no interest the second he wasn’t tiny anymore

Read this post and knew straightaway you're Asian.

I refused to have kids until I had my own house because it would've been just like this.

So job number 1: you need to get your DP onside. He needs to start batting these comments back because it'll be even harder when baby is here

2: start putting a plan in place to move out, whether that be in the near or distant future, get the ball rolling and make sure your DP is on board

3: get a lock on your bedroom door so you can shut the door behind you and not worry about anyone walking in

4: tell your inlaws what the birth plan is and KEEP TELLING THEM. Do not let your MIL come with you

5: start setting boundaries NOW. Bat it back every single time, whether she laughs or not

6: there will be guests and there isn't much you can do about it but make sure you have made your DP aware in advance that after say 1 hour, you'll be heading back to your room to rest WITH baby

Finally, how traditional are your inlaws? If they're very traditional could you possible have baby and go to your parents to recuperate?

Yep bottom line is her Dh will need to be her advocate for any chance of peace in that house. Otherwise it will be hell for OP.
Main reason mil from hell exist quite confidentially in our culture is many times they know the son won’t say anything,
they’re banking on that to keep the control going. Which is why so many marriages end or so many women end up depressed:traumatised who can’t leave. Many of these in laws are completely unreasonable and irrational so will refuse to be told unless there’s a threat of moving out. Or some kind of separation - Cue the wailing and the tears. OP in all honesty what really are the chances of moving out in 2-3 years? Will they allow it? Is your husband really wanting to? I know I sound awful and cynical but I have seen all this before. I could tell you some stories that would shock you but they would be outing. I stood up in a very Ghandi way (ie non confrontational) and it wasn’t pretty!

thank you everyone for your responses! i know it sounds like a nightmare and typical situation for asians. I’m talking to my husband about getting a house and he’s agreed that we do need to eventually move out just because of space but we both know it takes a while to get a mortgage and a house. I honestly believe my MIL means well however it’s very overbearing.

She’s honestly a nice person so I might have made her out to be worse than it is! but it’s just overstepping that mark. I became a mother for a reason .. to be a mum! not to watch someone else take over. Yes it’s their first grandchild but I need to be the one to change bubba’s nappy and bath her otherwise how else will i learn as a first time mumma. I have days where i think it’s gonna be just fine but most days think how am i gonna cope with this because the reality is i’ll be living here everyday.

I already have a lock on my door as all the doors do but it won’t stop them from coming up and knocking. We are also gonna have a moses basket downstairs because they insisted when guests come it will be easier for them to see baby downstairs. So they have already said during the day bring the baby downstairs and let her sleep down here and get some air instead of upstairs all the time. Only take her up at night ..