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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

need help with my in laws!

39 replies

fabulousmama · 22/07/2022 13:31

Im due to give birth soon and also live with my in-laws! Im dreading coming home to them with a newborn as I know how overbearing my MIL is. Since the COVID rules have changed and you can have 2 people there she has tried to invite herself. She has even said my husband doesn’t need to go and she will go as she will be better help.

She’s made comments like after birth you can come home and rest and i’ll look after her. If she cries during the night don’t worry i’ll come into your room and make her quiet which i responded to no, your gonna be in your own room and i’ll have to breastfeed her which only i can do obviously. She said don’t worry about the room .. my other half can sleep downstairs while she sleeps in my bed and every time she says things like this, she laughs a little bit as in she’s joking but she repeats it like she’s serious .. She’s also said i’ll change her nappy for you and take her to X persons house and Y persons house.

My SIL has shown me outfits and things for my baby and said whenever she’s here we’re gonna match on everything .. I was thinking in my head I am her mum and if anyones gonna match it’s gonna be me .. I know she means well but it’s my baby girl not hers .. am i being unreasonable?

ANOTHER thing is as soon as i come home after giving birth the house is gonna be full of guests for probably he next 1-2 weeks. It always happens when someone has a baby or some sort of occasion and seeing as it’s my inlaws house it has to happen that way otherwise they would call me out of the ordinary and wouldn’t look good. Everyone is gonna want to hold her and see her and take over and when am i ever gonna get a chance to bond with her and be with her? Especially straight after birth when women feel tearful and emotional and also protective.

The only time i can sneak away is when i breastfeed and change her nappy.

This is all before even giving birth and it’s making me so anxious and worried that I won’t get any time with her. Im actually on the verge of tears and feeling a lot of emotions right now for what’s to come!

OP posts:

concernedguineapig · 23/07/2022 02:37

Nope, sounds like hell. Why on earth would you have a baby when you're trapped in this awful situation.

Get out of there!!!!

WokingOrNot · 23/07/2022 02:57

Poor you, it sounds really stressful.
Get a sling. Keep your baby there while guests are visiting, and generally when you're outside your bedroom. Your baby can nap in it. In the first few weeks you'll likely breastfeed a lot, don't let your mother in law take over as you need to establish your supply. Instead maybe ask her for help with specific tasks, so she feels needed - she could bring you food, drink, blanket. Good luck, you can do this.

BasiliskStare · 23/07/2022 03:31

I would agree with others in that keep your baby close in the early time so they can have all they need from their mother.

One tiny point - it is lovely to think one can move straight out of living with parents to get a mortgage, having saved up ( ie own house ) but sometimes this is where renting can come in - so you can have your own space in the interim. If y9ou are living with parents to be able to go straight into buying a house - well to some extent - ( & I do think you should be able to treat your baby as you want to ) then if you are living with In Laws to be able to afford a house - there are pros and cons to that choice & maybe you are seeing some of the cons.

That said - All the very best to you and baby

tootiredforanything · 23/07/2022 03:46

With all due respect, it's a small house and she will have her son, her DIL and a newborn living there. It can't be easy for her!

I know you want your privacy etc so you need to move out!

Maybe you should have thought more about your accommodation situation before getting pregnant!

BlackTourmaline · 23/07/2022 03:47

Unfortunately, you must have realised this was likely, so not a great shock given that this might be how it is!

custardbear · 23/07/2022 03:53

I know you've said it's hard to move, but you're only two options

1 move
2 you and your DH fix firm boundaries and stick to them

I'm not Asian so have very little understanding. I'm sure it comes from the heart but you need to have boundaries

ALittleBitofVitriol · 23/07/2022 05:02

Re the moses basket - it's a nice idea but you can't commit to 'rules' like this. I'd just shrug and say - over and over - 'thanks mil, we'll see, I'll be doing whatever dh & I decide is best for baby and me'

1st step, tell your medical carers that you don't want them there. If you can, don't tell your mil if you think you're in labour. Go for a little walk and call your partner/a lift. Have a plan to not be under scrutiny. Many overbearing parents carry through their threat to just show up at hospital (btdt). If she sulks afterwards, her son can explain that things happened surprisingly/quickly and by the time you guys realised what was happening, a phone call was the last thing on his mind!

Also, hard agree that your partner needs to be leading the way on this. Does he understand how stressed you are? Hand waving away comments isn't enough, ask him specifics 'what will you do if she won't give back baby? What will you do if she barges in at night? What will you do if she ignores something I say/does the opposite?' etc Yes there's respect for parents but you two need space to learn to be parents yourselves.

Lovelycheesegromit · 23/07/2022 10:08

OP you haven’t mentioned what your husband will be doing about the situation right now? It just sound like he’s told you not to worry about it and you’ve just accepted that.
Do you even want him to speak to your mil? are you worried about consequences is that why you’re being passive about this?

It seems like you want some advice on the situation but nothing will change without your husband speaking to her or you standing up to her. From what I’m reading you’re saying she means well etc so does that mean you’re going to put up with it? If that’s the case then you’re just going to have to suck it up. I couldn’t live like that, my mental health is so important. Pp good advice about telling your midwife but I have a feeling you won’t do that. Nothing will change for you unless you stand up for yourself. They have a nice set up in that house, they have no reason to change unless you make some noise.

sunglassesonthetable · 23/07/2022 10:35

Please stop berating OP for her living circumstances.It's irrelevant unless you know her financial and familial details in depth. And just really negative and unhelpful. She's due to give birth soon and not about to be moving. God alive.

OP speak to your DH. He HAS to have your back.

Start setting boundaries yourself. Push back ( with a laugh yourself) EVERY TIME.

Start getting them used to the idea that you have opinions and views too.

"oh baby can sleep down here "

"oh maybe I'll have her with me, for feeding" Laugh

You're not doing anything wrong OP. But you do need to stand your ground

I think YOU should give your MIL things to do and be involved with. Rather than back away. Kind of head her off with things that can help you.

sunglassesonthetable · 23/07/2022 10:38

Unfortunately, you must have realised this was likely, so not a great shock given that this might be how it is!

Did you realise OP isn't on here asking for how to deal with shock.

God alive how unhelpful.

@BlackTourmaline

blibbyblobb · 23/07/2022 10:53

Hi OP

South asian woman here too.. Honestly set ur boundaries now it will help.

I don't live with in laws but for my first i did stay with them for the first month due to unplanned emergency building work that had to be done at our house

It helped having set boundaries before, e.g. I will be upstairs alone breastfeeding, if i need anything i will call using my phone.

We also decided to do small after birth baby shower three weeks after birth, where guests could come see the baby, this reduced the amount of visitors coming during he first few weeks and really helped me recover

I did appreciate having MIL help when things got difficult with my MH. I had to stop breastfeeding so once a day MIL would bottle feed and change baby. This allowed her to have her time with her first grandson but allow me to have some "me time" (shower/sleep)

I guess if u dont speak beforehand they may find it shocking after.. Have a talk with her and work through a plan?

Good luck 🍀

HulaHoop18 · 23/07/2022 18:48

Hey

Another fellow south Asian here. I lived with my MIL for three years and we moved out earlier this year. It’s not easy at all to ‘just move out’ and I completely understand not wanting to cause major disruption to the household you know you have to live in for a while longer.

Like the other commenters I think a good response is to just say ‘we’ll see’. I say this because sometimes in laws say things just to get a reaction/push boundaries but when the time comes they might not even do all of these things.

As for inviting people over - I would just say you want to wait until baby has their jabs before and then maybe have a party so guests can come in one go.

and yes, you do need to speak to your husband. I think this might be easier when the baby arrives actually and you can reference actions you’re not comfortable with rather than just words.

best of luck 💐