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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband hasn't contributed to baby things...

47 replies

MummyRR · 20/07/2022 10:02

Hello all,
Basically I was wondering how much involvement your partners have/had when it comes to the baby.
DH and I have been married over a year and this is our first child due in just under two months.
I was given a baby needs list by a friend which I have adapted and I have been working on buying things since April/May.
Besides maybe about 5/7 items, I have bought everything and that too using just my own money.
DH knows I had been buying stuff because of all of the deliveries we had been receiving and not once did he talk about contributing.
I researched for ages for a pram and decided which I want. DH has paid for that.
I'm now sorting out mine and baby's hospital bags so DH and I went shopping last week and he paid for the things.
Money is one thing but I feel DH hasn't really taken an interest in even taking a look at the list. I have completed a few online antenatal classes - he decided to sleep through them.
I'm only just raising this now as I was speaking to a colleague at work who is a new dad, he was the complete opposite and really on the ball!

OP posts:
KylieCharlene · 20/07/2022 10:06

This is the start of things to come in my experience.
You'll be the default person in all childcare matters, discipline, routines, schooling...

grey12 · 20/07/2022 10:10

If you have decided to have separate finances, then I think you should have a common pot for your child's needs

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2022 10:10

Are you finances completely separate? How’s that going to work on maternity? And are you planning to go back to work?

If he’s not offering just tell him what you want him to pay for or pay you back for. Do it today: “the clothes and cot and x y and z have cost, please transfer me half which is £x”.

Lack of interest in the baby may resolve once it’s here but I’d be concerned so keep an eye. Is he going to be your birth partner? Do you feel happy with that if so? You want whoever’s going to be the most support to you. If he’s going to try and doze through it I’d pick anyone else.

Tigerlily08 · 20/07/2022 10:12

Honestly, my OH couldn't have shown less interest in buying baby bits. I chose everything and either paid myself or told him to pay 😂

But we have two daughters and he is the most doting dad. He's very hands on with the girls but is clueless/ disinterested when it comes to buying stuff still x

GailTheSnail · 20/07/2022 10:15

I wouldn't write him off just yet. I think babies are more abstract for men til they actually arrive. As a woman you have a constant reminder growing inside of you. Im sure his interest in a list wont reflect how how much interest he has in the actual baby when it comes.

That said if he doesn't pull his weight when baby arrives I'd pull him up on it.

Mufflette · 20/07/2022 10:18

We've done similar with the buying things to be honest - I really enjoy all the researching what to buy etc. and bought all the littler bits which add up, then my DP paid for the bigger ones like car seat and pram.

I'd be much more concerned about not being interested in the antenatal stuff though, we've also done that online but watched them together and DP's been the one making sure we put time aside to do that. I think you need to have a talk about how he'll support you at birth & with a newborn asap, while you have time to line up alternative support if he's not planning to provide it.

Maddogsandtoplessenglishmen · 20/07/2022 10:18

You absolutely need to sort your finances out at this point.

There are too many posts on here of women struggling on maternity pay to cover their living costs and all the babies costs.

He chose to be a father now he has to step up. Which means he covers your loss of income due to maternity pay, or he takes shared parental leave. You have a joint account which covers baby thing, not just clothes and food but childcare

Set the tone now for how parenting is going to work, otherwise you will be one of those women on here in several years complaining that your DH does none of the housework, none of the childcare, doesn't pay for any of the children's stuff but you can't afford to go to work full time because you can't afford the child care.

You shouldn't have to force him to pay for his child, or look after his child, he should be a proper functioning adult, but unfortunately you may have to.

Cocobeau · 20/07/2022 10:21

My husband has zero interest in all the baby stuff appearing in our house but it doesn't bother me in the slightest because he's just not interested in "cute stuff" and the thought of shopping at the best of times sends a shiver down his spine. I have no concerns about how this will reflect in his parenting - it's stuff. Stop comparing your situation to others. I have a male friend who was so involved with everything leading up their baby it actually made me grateful for how mine is. It felt weird.

LisaSimpson77 · 20/07/2022 10:21

It sounds poor but have you actually sat down and talked to him?
Buying the baby stuff, it very much sounds like you made it your thing, could he have felt a bit shut off from things?
The antenatal classes, tbh online antenatal classes sound dire.
The money thing needs a proper discussion as PP have said, how will your mat leave and childcare be funded.
In my experience men do seem to need things spelt out to them in word of one syllable.
Have a good chat now because if you make up your mind now that he's "useless" a certain amount of confirmation bias will come into play.
Set your expectations!

Needmorelego · 20/07/2022 10:22

How do you pay for other shared things ? A supermarket shop? Household stuff like a new hoover? Have you always split 50/50 (that must be a faff everytime you go to Tesco) or is it whoever is physically buying something pays for it?
Maybe he doesn't see the money as his money/your money and just as one big pot.
You've paid for some baby stuff because you went out and got it - he has paid for some (the pram). Maybe in his mind it's 'we've paid' - as in you and him. You're married. Financial stuff should be shared.

Borgonzola · 20/07/2022 10:23

I'm sorry to hear this.

I'm about to give birth and my partner hasn't been 100% interested in the actual list and is always a bit less willing to buy, well, anything, than me, but he has taken an interest in the actual items and was very involved in buying things like pram.

What we decided to financially was: we already have a joint current account for mortgage, bills and general spends. We then took out a joint credit card with a 2-year interest free period. We've bunged all big baby purchases on there and will use it for the first months exclusively, then both pay it back later, together.

Did you have a discussion about how you were going to handle finances before you were pregnant?

WaltzingWaters · 20/07/2022 10:25

You should arrange a joint account for all things related to your child if your finances are separate, or have a conversation about who pays for what. My OH didn’t always show too much interest in buying things for the baby, and I think that’s fairly normal, he is now a very hands on and doting father to our 3 month old. Men are often happy with the bare minimum whereas women will often want to get a lot more (not always the case I know), so just talk to him about what he needs to contribute and what your expectations are for the things you want/need.

Borgonzola · 20/07/2022 10:26

I'm also with PPs on the fact that you should let him know how much you've spent and try and make sure it's even, and maybe have a sit down chat about your concerns re: finances and future involvement. The lack of antenatal participation is the biggest problem for me.

Isonthecase · 20/07/2022 10:33

Mine had no interest before the baby was born but has always been better at spending on the family than on individual items. For instance, he was happy to get loads of healthy food and supplements for me plus take me away on a break whilst pregnant but had no concept of needing to buy anything beyond real basics for the baby. He's the same now - it's always me buying things like nice outfits for the kids but he's the one who will go out and get them garden toys. He also thought the antenatal classes were rubbish so barely showed. Just different priorities.

Where you have an issue is if this continues and he doesn't contribute to any of the basics either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2022 10:50

I think it’s natural for parents to be interested in different things. I wasn’t remotely interested in prams, vague interest in cots. I was very excited about and bonded to my baby but DH has older kids and knew what he liked so he researched and ordered stuff like that. We had shared money for all of it so that wasn’t an issue. We both bought clothes etc. I was more wary about buying much early on and refused to even pack my bag until I was overdue, I just wasn’t ready to do it so DH ended up starting mine and sorting the baby’s and I got on board eventually. We were both engaged with antenatal care and I felt very supported in all of that.

I wouldn’t relate excitement about the stuff you need to happiness about the pregnancy. But the unequal finances is a big issue you need to tackle right now so you don’t end up paying for everything my default. And I’d want to know he’ll step up when you’re in labour or plan accordingly.

easyday · 20/07/2022 10:56

We did it together and he paid for all of it as he earned about 20 times more than me.
How do you split other household bills? Baby expenses are joint - both should be paying from your household budget.

Cakecakecheese · 20/07/2022 11:58

My partner did most of the research for the big stuff and I've been getting little bits. We share the cost though. Ask him for half of what you've paid so far! You definitely need to get something sorted regarding finances before you go onto maternity leave or you could be in real bother.

rwalker · 20/07/2022 12:05

He’s paid for the pram I’ll be surprised if you’ve spent that much on baby things

you gave this impression he’s not contributing anything

Ontomatopea · 20/07/2022 12:06

Get a shared account for baby stuff. Otherwise you might as well get divorced and claim child maintenance.

Ontomatopea · 20/07/2022 12:07

rwalker · 20/07/2022 12:05

He’s paid for the pram I’ll be surprised if you’ve spent that much on baby things

you gave this impression he’s not contributing anything

Depends on the pram. Not everyone goes for £500+ models

ancientgran · 20/07/2022 12:11

rwalker · 20/07/2022 12:05

He’s paid for the pram I’ll be surprised if you’ve spent that much on baby things

you gave this impression he’s not contributing anything

Pram and stuff for hospital bags. The title is really misleading as he clearly has contributed.

Schooldil3ma · 20/07/2022 12:18

My DH wasn't at all interested in researching baby stuff etc, the pregnancy seemed a bit of an abstract concept to him. He is an absolutely wonderful father and doted on the dc from the moment they were born.
I actually enjoyed doing all the planning and shopping as it kept me occupied when pregnant.
Presumably the pram cost a fair bit? I don't think it's fair to say he's contributed nothing.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/07/2022 12:24

I’d be having a sit down chat about finances.

What is the plan for your maternity leave??

If you are married and have a child the best way to do it so it is fair on everyone and everyone’s contribution is valued is to have a joint account. All wages go in, bills are paid and both parties get equal spends and there is joint savings.

Can you make a list of what else you need for baby as a starting point. Tell him you need a chat about everything else you need and how you are going to pay for it. Then move onto having a joint account.

30mph · 20/07/2022 12:43

You're quite right to pick up on this. So, get it sorted. Just tell him you need to sit down and discuss finances and how things need to be worked out, and budget for the rapidly approaching changes.

Geranium1984 · 20/07/2022 12:49

My husband wasn't bothered about choosing what things we bought/needed for the baby. I wrote a list and I purchased most of it and we talked about some of the big options but he is really not a details person so would not have been bothered which next to me cot we bought! He was really interested in what antenatal course we did and participated in all the classes.

Now the baby (now toddler) is here DH is really interested, particularly in education so will go ahead and order all sorts of puzzles, books and toys off his own back. He has also taken the lead with researching schools for the future and registering our son in the one we like.

We have a joint bank account so in terms of who pays what it's all from the same pot. This is key when you have a child!

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