Husband hasn't contributed to baby things...

[MummyRR]

Hello all,
Basically I was wondering how much involvement your partners have/had when it comes to the baby.
DH and I have been married over a year and this is our first child due in just under two months.
I was given a baby needs list by a friend which I have adapted and I have been working on buying things since April/May.
Besides maybe about 5/7 items, I have bought everything and that too using just my own money.
DH knows I had been buying stuff because of all of the deliveries we had been receiving and not once did he talk about contributing.
I researched for ages for a pram and decided which I want. DH has paid for that.
I'm now sorting out mine and baby's hospital bags so DH and I went shopping last week and he paid for the things.
Money is one thing but I feel DH hasn't really taken an interest in even taking a look at the list. I have completed a few online antenatal classes - he decided to sleep through them.
I'm only just raising this now as I was speaking to a colleague at work who is a new dad, he was the complete opposite and really on the ball!

My eldest is 6 and my DH has never shown an ounce of interest in any of the child related stuff. He's never bought the kids clothes or paraphernalia, I'm not sure he was even aware of a baby list when I was pregnant. But, he is the most devoted dad in every other way and would do anything for his kids. He's just not into 'stuff' and isn't an organiser, so we work to our strengths. I wouldn't let his disinterest in this part concern you about his ability to be a good father.

Now in saying all that my DH and I pool all of our finances so it all comes out of the same pot; there is no room for issues at that end. If you are keeping finances separate you should be keeping a record and working out who owes what. Also work out now what's happening money wise while you're on maternity, it shouldn't all be on you.

You need to be more assertive, most men are Tim Nice but Dim when it comes to parenthood. If he's not thinking about it you need to say right I paid for this and this can you pay for that and I'm going to need to get these things too, show him list.,
When the baby arrives tell him which nights he'll be doing the night feeds and make sure you leave him with the baby while you go out shopping otherwise you will end up doing it all.
Ask him if he plans to do antenatal with you because you'd like an active birth partner rather than a dummy.
If he's still useless in a years time then reconsider.
I can't see my sister putting up with this.

Let me guess - you’ve been saving up for maternity and he won’t take a financial hit at all??

I can't imagine my DH getting involved in buying things for a baby , it doesn't mean that he doesn't love his children.All finances shared here.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry. He has paid for some stuff and if you need more help just ask.
Our online antenatal classes were awful, we had to turn one of them off..
He's the best Dad in the world, he just doesmt care what clothes I buy but that's grand, easier to decide myself than have to run everything by him.
Parenthood can be very abstract for the father until the baby arrives, if you need more support ask for it :-)

Your thread title says he hasn’t contributed to baby things, but he’s actually paid for the pushchair? How much was this? A lot of the time it’s the most expensive item!

When I was pregnant with DC1 my husband didn’t seem as interested or excited as I would have liked him to be but when DS arrived he was an absolutely brilliant dad. I’m now pregnant with DC2 and again I wish he seemed more interested but I know that once baby is here he will be amazing. Sometimes it’s hard for the dad to build that connection and interest when they’re not the one growing the baby.

How are your finances split otherwise? I bought most of the baby items for our children but since I’ve been working part time DH has been covering all of our household bills and mortgage. Is he going to cover any shortfall while you’re on maternity leave?

When you say he “hasn’t contributed” @MummyRR - I’m assuming you mean he hasn’t really taken an interest in browsing for baby things or researching different things that you might need? He clearly has financially contributed when you say he paid for the pram and stuff for hospital bags - depending on how extravagant you’ve been with your choices, a pram could easily be 50% of the cost of initial baby “stuff”.

Its absolutely fine for you to want more from him than financial contributions though!! Have you told him you’d like him to help pick things? Or that you’d like him to do online classes with you?

My DH has always been incredibly hands on and supportive (thankfully! As reading on here I know that isn’t always the case 😳) and even he fell asleep during some online classes 🙄🤣🤣 he claimed that the voice of the woman from The Positive Birth Company just instantly makes him sleepy 🤣

I should also have said - I wouldn’t write him off just yet!

Have you actually mentioned it to him though OP? I mean yes in an ideal world he'd ask how much he needs to be chipping in to all the packages arriving. But from the sounds of it you've only mentioned to him the pram/physically gone shopping together for other items that he paid for? Playing devil's advocate he might have no idea you're ordering say an £80 steriliser for example?

I wouldn't worry about it too much. My OH is quite oblivious to all the things a baby needs, and all the things I've bought. Occasionally I've said to him that I'm spending quite a bit, and he immediately transferred money to me. I think until the baby is actually here it's all quite abstract for him!

I am also way better at research (I love it) and have a lot of time to do it, and to scour the internet comparing prices etc.

He's very focused on his work anyway, like a horse with blinkers, and since he'll be completely supporting us financially at some point I don't mind spending some of "my" money now. It all works out reasonably fairly!

But you say he paid for the pram which is arguably the most expensive item and also paid for the hospital bag items this week? So to say he is not contributing is false isn't jt?

As long as he pays his share it is not big deal if he has no interest in the type of stuff you buy.

If it matters to you however ask him for a day and time where he can give you his full attention on the topic.

DH wasn't interested in any of the preparation stuff when I was pregnant, or he didn't appear to be anyway. Since DD was born he's been a fantastic hands on Dad. He does 50% of the parenting and housework etc.
I spoke to him about this recently and he said he left it to me as I seemed to have it all under control and I know what I want etc.

So financially he has contributed if her bought the pram which for most people is the most expensive purchase by a country mile and he bought your hospital bag stuff too. Is the issue that you think he’s not massively interested? Tbh I just buy most of the kids stuff from the joint account, without even discussing it. DH is massively involved with every other aspect of parenting, he’s just not really into shopping. As for online ante natal, shudder, the only reason I’d go near NCT or the like is to meet local friends.

You can't really keep separate finances when it comes to the baby - at the very least set up a joint account these expenses will be coming from. And like others said - how will it work when you're on leave?

I find his disinterest in antenatal classes unacceptable tbh... Things will get worse when the baby gets here so you need to have a proper conversation now about how he needs to step up and that you need his support. Otherwise what's the point in him, you might as well be a single mother.

Presume you've had a bad experience

Half his baby so at a minimum half his costs.
If there's a disparity in earnings then split finances accordingly.
It might just be a timing thing - my DH wouldn't have even thought about buying much stuff with two months to go and tbh I only sorted out a Moses basket and about a weeks worth of clothes / muslins etc with six weeks to go.
But just make sure you aren't going to find yourself funding the baby alone and your 'living costs' whilst on maternity leave. Partnership approach to it all.

Saying half the costs each is OK if each parent has a veto. If M2B decides she wants a £2,000 pram and dad thinks a £500 one is fine why should he have to pay £1,000? Things need to be discussed and agreed to be fair to both sides.

I'd be less worried about who is buying baby stuff and more worried about how you are financing your maternity leave, if you have separate finances from your husband.

Have you talked about money at all?

I ordered and bought nearly all the baby stuff, DH wasn't interested and I didn't mind doing it, but I paid for it all out of our joint account. He's very interested in the actual babies, but not the changing mats and muslins and monitors, and who can blame him!

My husband was disinterested in buying baby items. Especially clothes/dresses etc. He is, however very interested in making sure the baby plays with all the items I've got her, the educational toys, the tummy time, the book reading etc.

He is a great dad and wants the best for her but he just doesn't buy 'stuff'

How do seperate finances work for a baby?