Cannot believe I miscarried

[Phoenixwings1989]

Hi,

So, last week I miscarried at 10+2 weeks for the first time. I had a healthy pregnancy first time around and I am struggling to get my head around it. I didn't get past the five week mark as baby was still measuring that at an earlier scan. Can't help feel that it's my fault. I had a c-section with my first. Maybe that played a part? Just can't seem to stop going over it all in my head.

I can sympathise with you so much. I had a healthy pregnancy with my daughter, had her and she was perfect. We then conceived when she was a year and a half and were so happy, because I had a previous healthy pregnancy I assumed it would be the same. It wasn’t and I miscarried, then I conceived straight after my miscarriage and unfortunately miscarried again. I did everything right. I did the same as you looked for blame but I soon realised it is something you cannot control or blame yourself over. I didnt realise how common miscarriage is until it happened to me. You just have to be kind to yourself and take the time you need to heal, nothing you have done has contributed, its just natures cruel way of telling you something wasn't right. Nothing anyone can say or do will take your pain away and thats fine you have to feel your pain so you can heal, just don’t blame yourself and be kind to yourself x

I'm very sorry for your loss op. It's not your fault🌹

It's not your fault, and a csection couldn't cause it at all. Early ones usually happen because of chromosomal abnormalities with the foetus.

It's just one of those things. Nothing you did or didn't do. 1 in 4 and all that. Don't beat yourself up.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I can relate - took me 18 months to conceive after starting to try after our first, so he was over 2 years old and I was on a serious mission to have 2 under 2. I was literally over the moon to have conceived - I had stopped exercising as that was messing my hormones but when I found out I was pregnant I started running again and was literally on cloud 9, only to find out I was having a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks - I literally was like ‘no, no, no’ and just was so angry and in total disbelief. I was almost unable to function for 2/3 weeks - the only thing that made me smile was my son and I felt so guilty for being so upset around him.

I still wish I could take back those runs but I have to tell myself it may not have been that- and I try to tell myself it was not a healthy pregnancy and I would rather wait for a healthy baby, even though I don’t always believe that and I struggle frequently - especially when I had another loss in April, a week after my sister told me she was pregnant- unplanned. It is so so so hard - and it has me on my knees with frustration, anger, sadness etc often - I’ve started seeing a counsellor and that has helped a lot, maybe that might be an option for you?

im here if you want to talk xx

I also found the counsellor really helpful even though it’s been 6 months since the first loss, as I had surgery to remove the pregnancy but continued to feel pregnant for 2 weeks which was insanely hard, as well as the time before they did tell me there was a problem until they would confirm the loss - and no support was given then. It’s just all so so hard xx

I was on your shoes in December. 10 weeks but baby measures around 6+5. Previous healthy pregnancy resulting in my daughter.

I spent so much time blaming myself. I will never understand it. And it was too early to get any concrete answers. My husband is calm about "it must have been chromosomal abnormality" but honestly a tiny part of me will probably always think "but I am their mum, I had one job, to get them here safe"

That is silly as I couldn't have done anything different. That was no more my fault than your loss is your fault. It's just not the case.

But it will take some time to heal and feel more normal again.

Someone said to me "you never stop being sad about it, and it does get easier with time, but the experience will stay with you forever". I really got on board with that.

I'm sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself and know that it isn't your fault.

I am so sorry.

I'm going through the same rn. Had an early mc at 4w6 before DD, then another in April at 5w, and now I'm 5w1 and I absolutely know it's a third mc.

I had the positive test but from the start have had absolutely no symptoms. Not 'only a few' or 'comes and goes,' literally nothing. And cramps and back pain. I just feel like I want to get it over with.

It's such a hard thing to go through. And like you I go through the worrying of 'was it the cup of coffee/carrying DD/not getting enough sleep?' But realistically it's just bad luck and would have happened anyway.

Have you talked to your gp? I have PCOS so am going to see if I can get on progesterone to see if that will help.

Good luck. You're not alone xxx

OP I’m so sorry. I had a mc at 6 ish weeks a few months ago and it is so so so traumatic. I’m pregnant again and the memory of what happened haunts me. Every last detail. Every trip to the bathroom.

I don’t think trying to place blame will help, it seems no one gets those concrete answers as to why it all ends like that especially in early pregnancy.

I don’t know what the answer is, just try to keep sane day by day, (try) to stay positive, look after yourself, do whatever you can to get through, and if you find any relief let us all know please because I have found none yet!

I wish women didn't blame themselves for miscarrying. The only time it's the mother's fault is when she's done obviously extremely risky stuff.

I fell off my bike a few times when heavily pregnant : my babies were born fine. My nephew is now almost 30. His mum was 40yo & tweaking crystal-meth until 6m pregnant : she didn't miscarry. My mother smoked 2 packs/day thru 2 FT pregnancies. I don't know what it takes, but must be much worse than that if miscarriage is ever in any way the woman's fault.

I am so very sorry for those of you who have had experiences with miscarriage. It's rubbish. It really is.

I went to get it confirmed on Monday at the EPU and the sister said to me after the scan we can try again in a few weeks. A few weeks? To go through exactly the same? No thanks. I think that will be the last time for me. I don't want to experience that again and it could me much worse next time. I don't have the strength. For the past few weeks I have been imagining this little person and DD having a sibling and now there's nothing.

@georgarina I'm not sure whether or not I should book an appointment with GP? I doubt they could offer anything.

They could refer you to gynae/test your hormones/prescribe meds if necessary

I’m so sorry you’re struggling, please know miscarriages are very very common. I’d say pretty much every woman I know who has a child has had at least one, out of every 4 known pregnancies 1 will end in miscarriage, they’re so so normal. Also most miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities present at conception, they’re not caused by anything you’ve done and there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it. We need to talk about miscarriage more so women can stop feeling this shame

There’s also no reason at all you won’t have a healthy pregnancy next time, but of course take all the time you need there’s no rush.

Why is it that at night I'll want to cry for England and feel apathetic at the same time? I am so angry and feel like every part of me is screaming and tearing itself apart. I am beginning to hate evenings. I find nothing truly takes the pain away or distracts my mind from it. I have a throbbing headache, there's pain behind my eyes and everything hurts. 😩

Estimates vary, 20-33% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, usually due to chromosomal abnormalities.

It is a horrible thing to go through but it isn’t your fault. I had 4 miscarriages, 5, possibly 6 if you count chemical pregnancies (I try not to because it upsets me).

It is normal to grieve. I’m don’t want to say it gets easier with time but you get better and handling it.

💐💐💐

Just wanted to send you hugs. You are not to blame. Is isn't your fault. Some pregnancies/babies just aren't compatible with life. I've had several miscarriages and two stillbirths, so I know your pain very well.

You will feel more sad and angry at night time as that's when it's dark outside, you are most likely to be alone and your thoughts will runaway with you. Please don't be so hard on yourself. ❤

get better at* handling it.

So sorry OP. It is very common I'm afraid. I remember bleeding and having a last tiny hope I was still pregnant, I was scanned, I hadn't been told what was happening, I asked the nurse if the baby was still there and she just said 'no, you're empty' ... it broke me, such horrible words
But we tried again and now have 2 children
Good luck and don't make rash decisions

I'm so sorry. It's such a shock and a missed miscarriage is really hard. It brings a fear and helplessness. It is extremely unlikely that you did anything to cause it, it's not your fault, some things in this world just suck.

My first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage, not found until 13 weeks, baby never made it past 7-8 weeks. I was devastated and in shock, I was young, we had conceived easily, never thought it would happen to me. But it did, and it sucked. I had a d&c and cried a lot and got drunk. That was 19 years ago now and it's okay, it doesn't hurt anymore.

We did go on to have healthy children and another missed miscarriage, which was difficult in it's own way.

I am so sorry, OP. Another voice here adding to the 'I had one after a healthy pregnancy' chorus - it really is so common. I'm not trying to persuade you to try again - you must make that decision for yourself, and whatever you decide will be right for you - but I now have a little girl who, along with her big brother, is the light of my life. The miscarriage doesn't define me anymore. Give yourself time and kindness

I feel so angry today.

Walking around doing everyday things, seeing little babies and other pregnant ladies looking happy. That should still be me but it isn't. I don't think I will ever be strong enough to go through this again.

I don't enjoy feeling like this but can't move past it. I have found today hard and my mood hasn't been great, either. I just feel like giving up and all my motivation has gone. I don't think talking to a professional will help as had various counselling sessions in the past and they didn't help. I was already vaguely depressed before falling pregnant, so this understandably hasn't helped.

TTC takes such a toll on emotional health and well-being - it’s so so hard. I’m newly pregnant again now after 2 years TTC and 2 miscarriages this year and I still look at women with bumps as I would be 32 weeks or so and think ‘that should be me’ in a really sad way - and I’ve worked hard to get that good - I just can’t seem to break past it. - I think until I give birth again that I won’t. Some people seem to be able to be lighter and move past it another can’t, there’s nothing wrong with needing help to cope after such a traumatic experience. If you had already been struggling a little, maybe a visit to your GP maybe be useful - they may prescribe you antidepressants which can help you come out over the top of it and help you talk about things xx

Hi Phoenix,

I don’t want to call this ‘normal’ because I don’t want to imply everyone should feel this way.

But I felt exactly the same. It is NOT fair! It felt like the crappy parents who didn’t care for their children had lots of them and I had none (at the time). I didn’t think they deserved their children.

And babies and pregnancy were all over the TV as well. Even on the bloody news.I changed channel a lot.

It took me a while to get over those feelings. I’m not sure how exactly but they did fade.

My point is that you are allowed to feel like this. It is part of grieving.

💐💐💐

So much sympathy for you, when you've had a successful pregnancy and then a loss it feels so arbitrary as you know it can be fine, so why isn't it this time?

But I think that is grief generally - a loss always raises more questions than answers. Why now? Why is this happening in my life? And why not that other person over there who is not even TRYING?

Those questions don't have answers in my experience. And acceptance is a long time coming. Maybe it isnt ever really acceptance, more just a reconciliation with the idea that it has happened and your best outcome is that you get to a stage where you arent constantly dwelling on it.

For what it's worth I have two healthy kids and no more planned due to my age, and I STILL look at people with little babies, or very pregnant, and feels pangs of ... I'm not sure what. Not jealousy, exactly, but a sort of sadness when imagine they are overflowing with uncomplicated joy. Most likely they have stuff going on in their lives and it is just what I am imagining, all these people with their perfect lives, that's probably not the reality for many people with young families is it.