Finding it hard to change my lifestyle

[amy_192]

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with my partner who I haven't known too long only 4 months. It was a complete shock and totally unplanned. After talking it through we decided to go ahead, he also said he wanted the final decision to be mine and he would support me whatever I decided. He already has a 20 year old daughter who was born when he was only 17 and they have a great relationship so I'm not concerned even if we don't work out as a couple. I think we will but obviously we are still getting to know each other so want to think realistically about the future. I'm 32 and have a good job bought my own home etc. I've always lived a very sociable party lifestyle, attending raves and festivals etc. Alcohol and recreational drug use (not since I found out) and I'm struggling with the immediate total change of lifestyle, maybe more so as the pregnancy was unplanned and I always thought I wouldn't have children. Any tips on how to deal with this? I do get tempted to have a drink etc but I haven't. It still doesn't feel real and I can't imagine the massive changes and the huge responsibility at the minute. Part of me is excited and looking forward to a new type of lifestyle and part of me isn't at all! Is this normal?! Maybe this will change as I get a bump and feel more pregnant. Has anyone had similar experience? Thanks

You can still attend festivals etc, just without the alcohol and drugs. Have you had a scan yet? I think that helps it feel more real, but there will be a long period before you have a bump and ‘feel’ pregnant though if you don’t have morning sickness.

Im not surprised it’s taking some adjusting, even some women who plan babies struggle to adjust to the ‘rules’ but remember you don’t have to stop having fun

Try to replace the alcohol etc with other treats/rituals. I really started liking sparkling water with ice and a slice, taking hot baths in an evening instead of having a glass of wine. Writing that out sounds really boring tbf, but it still felt like a treat, I swear! Best of luck to you both, and congratulations!

I wouldn't go to events like that now as I think I'd be at risk of being tempted and caving! Plus I really don't wanna be in a group of wasted friends as the only sober person. That would be hell even without being pregnant 😂 yeah I've been trying to do other things like cooking and more self care etc. No scan yet and when I spoke to my doctors they don't even want to confirm anymore as home tests are very reliable. So maybe that's part of it too. I have first midwife appt Friday not sure what to expect? I keep thinking well maybe I've got it wrong haha but I know I am, maybe just as I'm so early and no medical input yet? Had a bit of sickness and sore boobs and tiredness but nothing unmanageable

I have also found it hard adjusting to a different life style. This pregnancy was unplanned for me and my partner also, though we had been together for 9 months before I fell pregnant. We were still enjoying going out to the pub after work most evenings and having wild weekends so to make adjustments was and still remains to be tough even 26 weeks in.

I have never used recreational drugs, however, I did/do like a good drink.. a few glasses of wine after work most evenings and sharing a bottle of gin on a weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I am not drinking every day but if it gets to the weekend and we go out for a pub lunch I will have a glass of wine with my meal. I have found not cutting it out completely but drastically reducing has worked for me. Now instead of having 2 glasses of wine a night, I will have a glass of wine a week with food and sip it to make it last!

Recreational drugs though as you have said, definite no no.

Your self control is better than mine! I'm the type of drinker that can't have just one and always wants more so I'm best having none at all. Been doing some research as it's likely I had drugs before I knew but from what I've read there's not much solid info. Seems to be that smoking (which I do and trying to cut down) and drinking are more heavily advised against 🤷‍♀️ if I could trust myself to have a drink a week as a treat I would but don't think I could. Yeah I'm 32 as well so always just had the freedom to do what I want when I want. It's hard to make such a huge change especially when totally unplanned. Not unwanted by any means but it wasn't part of the plan!

Hi @amy_192 I am in the EXACT same situation. I don't even feel like socialising with my friends because of it which has made me feel very lonely.

Hi @amy_192, I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first, I'll be 29 this year and have always loved a festival/raves and everything that comes with them. I had exactly the same thoughts as you, things are going to change so much and I'm not going to be able to do whatever I want on a whim for the foreseeable. However now that baby is moving and we're buying bits I'm excited for the new chapter and totally understand that I can still have some fun like before, just not as frequently and I'll have to get a babysitter first lol. I'm due in Sept and defo going to treat myself to a Christmas rave haha and for my 30th next year I have arranged babysitters for the 4 night festival (baby will be 11 months old) Both me and my husband think its really important to maintain the dynamic of our relationship and also have some of our old lifestyle - hopefully it works out that way!!

@AlM93 this makes me feel much better!! I think as it progresses and I feel more pregnant then I'll get more excited! Sounds like you have a great plan 😊 it will be good for me I think time to grow up properly haha but still being able to have some 'me' time when possible. My parents are so excited so I think I'll have babysitters sorted! I just have a wierd feeling like it's not real but I think once I'm out of the danger zone and hit 12 weeks and have a scan it will start to feel like it's actually happening! Even though I'm in my 30s I don't feel old enough to be responsible for a tiny human haha

Please don't take this the wrong way, but do you feel that you have an issue with either drink or drugs?

You must be honest with your midwife about the drug use. There are specialist maternity drug support teams who can help you as your navigate this new life.

Realistically you shouldn't return to pre pregnancy drink or drug use once baby is here so this change needs to be quite long term.

@Twizbe no not at all just recreational no issues with it just my personal choice and what I enjoy. Not a daily user by any means of either alcohol or drugs. I just mean it's a huge adjustment that I wasn't expecting and yeah a long term adjustment too. Change of my whole life for the forseeable. It's just a lot to take in and changing my whole mind set and future plans

@Twizbe also I'm not using drugs now if that's what you thought, don't think I need to tell midwife really?

Personally I'd tell them still. They ask about drug use during your booking in and will record what, when and when was the last. It won't necessarily flag anything and they might just tell you about the services.

It also depends a bit on what drug you're talking about.

@Twizbe cocaine. I'd have to think back and try to work out if/when I had any whilst pregnant but before I found out. If there was a big night out etc then will mention but otherwise probably no need. I don't need services it's not an issue for me like that

Definitely be honest with your midwife, and also ask for a referral to the pregnancy stop smoking service. I used it with an unplanned pregnancy and they were so supportive and nonjudgmental, it really gave me the help I needed to quit.

I get you @amy_192

I am pregnant and while it wasn't unplanned, it was still a shock when I found out as we'd been trying for a while and I'd sort of already written off that specific month. I found out on New Year's Eve🙈 so it was a hard couple of weeks when I had to go from the usual Christmas excess down to drinking nothing at all.

I think in the early weeks you do tend to dwell on how things will change negatively in your life, I know I did. I felt a bit trapped and was worried about how long it would be before we could leave the baby to go out together alone again, how long it would be until we could go on holiday abroad again, how it would affect my friendships, my work etc etc. I also felt alone because obviously during pregnancy it's only you it affects so even our partners aren't really feeling the pressure like we are. Plus there is also the fact that it doesn't really feel real, especially if you have no symptoms like I didn't and no one/not many people know yet. It's only been since about 23 weeks (when the bump started!) that I've actually felt like 'ok....better start thinking about this then!'

Similar to you, I don't drink anything now as I sort of think what's the point? I don't find it too bad except when DP still wants to go to the pub/for a drink and I am just sat there drinking alcohol-free gin or beer or whatever. They are nice, but honestly all it does is make me need constant wees, I may as well be drinking coke after coke.

I had a party lifestyle and surprise pregnancy in my early 20s. It took a bit of adjusting but as it went on I started to feel amazing - I craved salads and fruit and fresh water from the fridge. It was ace actually - I hadn’t been so healthy in years!

I think reading pregnancy magazines and planning things like what pram I wanted and thinking of names helped it feel real to me. I took up yoga too. I became a right hippy 🤣

I felt just like you did, it is a big adjustment especially if you are someone who enjoys going out, socialising, evening events etc. There is such a weird puritanical vibe on mumsnet (often sarcastically referred to by others as "any more than a small sherry at Xmas you MUST have a problem with alcohol") so don't let them wind you up thinking you should be seeing some specialist addiction midwife, that is completely ridiculous when you said you stopped as soon as you found out.... I also found the change in lifestyle very hard, it is a massive change and to say otherwise or to minimise it is really unhelpful and quite toxic from other women who well know that is. All of a sudden you're under a massive moral imperative to watch everything you put/don't put into your body - be it steaks, sushi, salad, supplements or whatever. And that's before hot baths, exercise, contact sports etc come into it!

Anyway I found it gets easier - by about 10 weeks I was in a much better place mentally. I kept looking at the % at 8 weeks you're already 20% there, even though it felt like 0.02%! I also totally sympathise on the lifestyle change worries, but you don't have to become a Stepford wife that never leaves your child's sight for more than 30 minutes for their 3 years of life, I think that can be really unhealthy for parent and child and I will certainly not be doing that. I'm really glad you've booked your 30th.

Good luck, and ignore the terrifying thought of doing it all over again for no. 2 ;) .....

@bloodynewusernameagain so nice to see so many others had similar thoughts and feelings! I had almost convinced myself it was just me and I was selfish 🙈 and yes the addiction comment was quite a leap haha, everybody has their 'drug' of choice and just cause it's illegal doesn't make it any worse than legal ones or immediately mean I'm addicted even though i specified it was recreational. Going from a recently single lifestyle able to do what I want when I want and knowing my choices of what goes into my body affects just me to having to just almost become a different person overnight is difficult! Hopefully will get easier as it progresses and starts to feel more real physically etc. Definitely not going to make an issue to my midwife once that doors open it can't be closed! That was never my concern anyway just highlighting the changes. Thanks for your advice 😊

Sorry but this is going to be quite harsh and judgey, because from your post I do want to give you a big shake up. You sound a lot less mature than 32. Yes poor poor you, what a drag, you have realised when you have a child you can no longer be selfish because no one wants a stoner or a coke head for a parent. Make no mistake, being a parent is a TOTAL change of lifestyle, especially in the beginning unless you can afford all sorts of nannies and help. And it is a 16 years plus commitment (often a lot longer and you never really stop being worrying about them after this!). This is probably something you should have thought of before getting pregnant if you were worried about a baby cramping your style and knew you didn't want kids then perhaps take responsibility, double up on contraception and don't take any risks? Although I suspect as a drug user you are a big risk taker, now you need to knuckle down and start being responsible for your baby instead of whining about not being able to rave anymore, seriously that is the least of your problems right now!! After 4 months you have no idea if you are really compatible with the father and could end up a single mother which is bloody hard work I can tell you and little down time for you at all let alone worrying about getting any partying in! Too late now though. I know you have said you are not using whilst pregnant which is really good news because fetal drug dependency can have all sorts of nasty complications for both of you, aside from it being totally unfair on an innocent child, sure I don't need to tell you this. Remember if you decide/can breast feed, taking drugs will also affect the baby via your milk, this could be anywhere from 6 months+ after the birth until the baby is fully weaned onto solids depending on what you decide. Also as you know what you have done in the past is illegal as cocaine is Class A and if you came into contact with the police could result in your arrest for possession (max 7 year sentence!) criminal record so loss of job, and your baby being taken into care by social services or them monitoring you. Ref: www.gov.uk/penalties-drug-possession-dealing
That may sound extreme but it is possible, not a risk I would be willing to take personally. Illegal drugs are not generally compatible with parenting and they are illegal for a reason. You need to think about how you will deal with the temptation once you eventually get the chance to go out again or even whilst sleep deprived in the early stages. What is your main motivation for needing to take drugs at all? Confidence? The thrill? Because you think it makes you look cool/sophisticated? (Chortle). Can you not get these things from something non illegal and non detrimental to you and your baby going forward? If you think you still need cocaine to have a good time then that is called addiction my friend. Also what about your partner if he is around the baby, will he give it up too? Or will he be around your baby or driving you both under the influence? Worth having that conversation now before the baby arrives because I know a couple who have split over this. The fact you say 'Definitely not going to make an issue to my midwife once that door's open it can't be closed!' sounds to me like denial. There is no shame in admitting drug use and seeking help, actually might help them check for any health issues you may now be predisposed to resulting from past use. I actually think it would do you good to be around small babies and chat with other new mums to see what it is like, what you are letting yourself in for and might help you bond with your baby because perhaps this doesn't feel real enough for you yet. You could attend a local free baby class to do this for example if none of your friends have a baby yet. Once you feel that connection I think the thought of going back to that lifestyle will be the farthest thing from your mind as most mums are fiercely protective of anything or anyone that could hurt their bubs. Good luck, I hope you see the light and turn over a new leaf.

Having a child is a massive adjustment/ change of lifestyle. Being pregnant is the start of it. Your life will change (or what's the point of having a child???). You will be responsible for a dependant.
Change doesn't automatically mean for the worse. Go with the flow. It's a complete adventure.... Frame it as a giant life challenge

@Purplefoxes you have made a HUGE amount of assumptions about me based on really limited information!! I'm not even close to being a coke head or a stoner and I was using contraception which isn't always 100% accurate. I'm entitled to have worries and fears because it's a huge change to my life and yes I have been able to be selfish up until now, and I no longer can be. I'm sure I'm not the first and certainly won't be the last to go from a party lifestyle to a mother and it's really not your place to judge me based on how I choose to live my life. I don't need help I'm not an addict. I own my own home I work as an accountant. Yes the circumstances aren't ideal but I have a great support network. It's just a huge change for me and I'm only 9 weeks so I have plenty of time to be more prepared. And in answer to your question when I take drugs I do it because I like the way it makes me feel, same reason people drink! maybe you should try it sometime 😉

@amy_192 I think posters are a bit concerned because you’ve said you can’t just have one drink like others have suggested and also don’t want to go socialising your friends as you can’t do drugs and get drunk and that you are only ‘cutting down’ on smoking even though you must know smoking anything is extremely harmful to the baby. This isn’t a normal attitude to have such little self control or say if you have one glass of wine you won’t be able to stop . I second advice to discuss with midwife and get some extra support. You’re only 8 weeks so you haven’t even gone 2 months without doing drugs or drinking and you’re posting about how you are struggling.

Also concerning you don’t want to be honest about your lifestyle to the midwife… if you’re not an addict and nothing is wrong why not be honest about how your lifestyle was pre pregnancy? @amy_192

@WhatIvedone I think there is a misunderstanding here! I said I don't want to attend festivals/raves not that I don't want to socialise full stop and yes I'm the sort of person who gets a taste for it after a drink so I would rather have none than have one. It's a huge change of lifestyle in general obviously I'm not struggling with withdrawal symptoms or anything as dramatic as that it's just the whole 360 in general and I wanted to hear others similar experiences. Well it was pre-pregnancy so it's not really relevant is it?

I honestly think some of these replies are so harsh, surely lots of women struggle to adapt to being pregnant at first, especially when it's a shock?!

I'm sure lots of us do things normally that we wouldn't do while pregnant - OP is not the only person to usually have more than one drink, and she has been clear that she is (WAS) an occasional recreational drug user before she knew she was pregnant. She is not doing that now, and she is not an addict.