Finding it hard to change my lifestyle

[amy_192]

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with my partner who I haven't known too long only 4 months. It was a complete shock and totally unplanned. After talking it through we decided to go ahead, he also said he wanted the final decision to be mine and he would support me whatever I decided. He already has a 20 year old daughter who was born when he was only 17 and they have a great relationship so I'm not concerned even if we don't work out as a couple. I think we will but obviously we are still getting to know each other so want to think realistically about the future. I'm 32 and have a good job bought my own home etc. I've always lived a very sociable party lifestyle, attending raves and festivals etc. Alcohol and recreational drug use (not since I found out) and I'm struggling with the immediate total change of lifestyle, maybe more so as the pregnancy was unplanned and I always thought I wouldn't have children. Any tips on how to deal with this? I do get tempted to have a drink etc but I haven't. It still doesn't feel real and I can't imagine the massive changes and the huge responsibility at the minute. Part of me is excited and looking forward to a new type of lifestyle and part of me isn't at all! Is this normal?! Maybe this will change as I get a bump and feel more pregnant. Has anyone had similar experience? Thanks

@GlitteryGreen Thankyou! It's like I'm a waste of space and should never have got pregnant. It wasn't the plan and I'm adjusting and just asking for others similar experiences I'm certainly not an addict I don't see where the huge leaps are being made?!

@amy_192 I thought you said you think you might have done cocaine while pregnant before you knew? Surely having done hard drugs while pregnant is relevant to the midwife!

I had the same lifestyle before I got pregnant and had drunk a lot and done cocaine once whilst pregnant but obviously before I got the positive.

I must admit though I didn't find it hard to give that life style up, even now I barely drink and am so much happier, less anxious etc for it.

When I see friends getting in at 7am the thought of it makes me feel queezy.

Been doing some research as it's likely I had drugs before I knew but from what I've read there's not much solid info. Seems to be that smoking (which I do and trying to cut down) and drinking are more heavily advised against

You need to do a LOT more research. There is ample research that shows cocaine use is far more harmful to a developing foetus than the occasional alcoholic drink. I'd recommend reading Expecting Better by Emily Oster. She's an economist who has collated multiple medical studies done into pregnancy, the book is entirely facts based and non-judgemental/preachy. She literally just lays out all the evidence for women to make their own, informed, choices

Your midwife will ask about drug use at your booking, it's best to be honest. She won't judge at all, but she can discuss with you any possible repercussions from drug use in early pregnancy. Also you'll need to tell her you're still smoking (you'll have to do a breath test anyway that can't be faked so she'll know if you lie). There is lots of nhs support to help pregnant women give up smoking

It is a big adjustment, especially from a lifestyle like yours, but there is lots of support out there if you want to do the best for your baby, which it sounds like you do. And agree with other posters, once you have a bump and can feel baby moving it all becomes more real and easier to adjust

@amy_192 I'm sorry for the judgemental replies you are getting from this post.

Women tearing each other down when all this mamma wanted was some support and advice.

In answer to your question... Yes it is extremely hard to change your lifestyle and takes a while for your new ways (and thoughts) to become a habit. I feel you. You can do this 🦾

similar to you I’m pregnant by a new partner, unplanned, we’d been together 4-5 months when I got pregnant.

I’ve struggled with the changes I’ve had to make particularly not being able to take part in my sport.

I had my 20 week scan last week and I’m finally starting to feel a lot more exited. The scans do really make it more real, you could book a private scan. I worried cos I didn’t take the pre-vitamins and I’m older now. So the 20 week scan felt like it brought reassurance.

It is a shock for some of us! You didn't plan this, so it is going to take a while for the enormity of the change to sink in.

Start doing well being stuff, yoga, pilates and enjoying food and fun that is safe for you. You can go to rave dance classes for your hit. Afternoon teas and parties in the garden rather than raves for a while are the order of the day. Think about it as detox!!

Once the baby is actually here that is when the reality really sinks in, so enjoy the pregnancy part as much as you can.

Thanks everyone for the more constructive comments I plan to do lots more reading and I must say having no hangovers at the weekend is a great bonus! I'm just back from my initial midwife appointment was honest with her about pre pregnancy lifestyle and she did the carbon monoxide test and also wasn't overly concerned as I blew on the low side. I've got lots of leaflets to read through and awaiting my first scan appointment. In the meantime I'm having food and soft drinks out with some friends on Saturday night, I'm sure it will all become my new normal it's just a big adjustment and it's really reassuring to see that lots of you have taken it within your stride 😊

I think people are wrong to assume you are hiding it from your midwife because you are an addict, I totally get why you would do that, it's more to do with opening a can of worms and potential repercussions from them which are not worth it if it isn't an ongoing issue.

In terms of the "temptation" feelings, in my experience this was worse in early pregnancy as you say. You're aware of the pregnancy but it's just a little ball of cells at that point, it doesn't feel as tangible, and your old lifestyle still feels very fresh. The feelings fade over time and being pregnant becomes a big part of your reality when you've got a bump and feeling kicks, personally I would just feel strange drinking or doing drugs at that point (as well as worried obviously).

God some of these replies

You'll be ok OP. It's a huge adjustment whether it's planned or not! It's still very early days so it'll take a while to sink in but it will become your new normal. And yes, of course you're allowed to miss aspects of your old life!

@aSofaNearYou yes that was exactly it especially after some of the assumptions made here I wouldn't like a professional to do the same!

And you described it perfectly as I don't really feel very pregnant as yet barely any physical changes but a whole new set of rules and responsibilities for something that doesn't yet feel quite real. I'm doing ok so far and I think by the time a bump appears I'll be very much into pregnancy mode! Thankyou

@GrandRapids Thankyou 😊 I can't believe how judgemental some people are! It is early days and it's a life changing event. But I'm sure I'll be ok and it will get more real and exciting as time progresses

It is a massive change and can be very unsettling even when planned. The smoking is obviously harmful to your baby and it would clearly be best to stop rather than trying to cut down. Legal drugs like tobacco and alcohol are obviously harmful to babies in utero but may be seen as a lesser evil than unlawful drugs in that a) we are least know what is in them and what harm therefore they cause both mum and baby b) we can buy them from safe, licensed premises, not have to get involved in potentially risky encounters or with questionable persons to obtain them c) the purchase/use alone of legal drugs (separate of course from behaviours under the influence of them) does not in itself risk prosecution which could threaten our jobs/liberty, both of which affect ability to care for our kids.

Best of luck with your pregnancy.

@amy_192 I'm struggling too, I can hold my hand up and say I am a functioning alcoholic, i am used to drinking a bottle of wine every night and more at the weekends. A MASSIVE part of my life is going to the pub, seeing friends, and im struggling already. Let people judge all they want and dont get offended by it, they dont know your full situation, the same as people dont know mine and if they did i'm sure they wouldnt be judging. As long as youve been truthful with the midwife and do whats best for your baby, thats all that counts!xx

Actually think it's you who made the assumptions. What I said was no one wants a stoner or a coke head for a parent which is pretty factual, I didn't call you those things. But trust me there will be judgemental people later on around the school playground who might make that leap! I should add I'm pregnant same stage as you with my second. I've had an early scan and saw a little heartbeat flickering. I can't imagine wanting anything that could harm it now or in the future and I can't understand how all you can think about is giving up your past lifestyle, especially if as you say you are not addicted to coke.
If you prefer your previous lifestyle then you still have a choice, but the blunt truth is, unless you have wads of spare cash for nannies or want to be a neglectful parent your lifestyle is going to change beyond recognition if you go ahead. And by the way addicts can still own their houses and have a good job...I know some who do and interestingly they are all traders. Thanks for your offer but I've never taken an illegal drug or smoked in my life, I'm proud of that and I don't intend to start now! I do drink but in moderation. This is because I know the risks and for me they are too high. I work in a high stress professional job like you but I choose not to go that route. There are loads of other things which make you feel good that aren't illegal or dangerous to you or others! I also think snorting white powder up your nose is a pretty grim way to make yourself feel good but each to their own. You have no idea really what's in it or how potent it will be. I had an alcoholic in the family growing up and watching them come close to destroying theirs and others lives has probably helped.
I notice you ignored the part were I suggested perhaps you could mix with some mother's with babies/young children so you could get an idea and it might make it more real for you? Would that not help you prepare or choose what it is you really want?
I'd say instead of thinking only what you will lose out on you should look on this baby as a chance to make a really positive change to your life. I believe everything happens for a reason.

@Purplefoxes like you say each to their own. As the days go on I'm missing it less and enjoying the lack of hangovers at the weekend and being productive and slowly getting prepared. Not saying I prefer my previous lifestyle I just don't know what this new one will be like just yet and it's quite an adjustment when I've been able to be selfish for as long as I can remember. My partner is still drinking sometimes too much and he drinks most days so I've sent him off to stay elsewhere and decide what his priorities are cause I can't have that once baby arrives and it needs to stop now else he isn't coming back. I don't really know anyone with babies or young children to be honest! I did have family members but they're all grown up now. I believe it's going to be a positive change for me and a new lifestyle. I don't think I will look back but it's a complete 360 very quickly.

You can't know what it will be like for absolute sure until after the baby arrives. They are all different, different personalities. Some are a dream and sleep on schedule form almost day 1, some don't sleep until they are about 3 years old and most are somewhere in the middle! Your partner doesn't sound like he is ready if he is still drinking heavily but it sounds like you realise this hence telling him to stay away. That's taking ownership and responsibility! Hopefully he comes around but just in case why not start trying to build a support network around you now as you will need it later on. You don't need to know anyone with babies, if you can find the time volunteer at a playgroup or mums and babies group (they always need volunteers!) and get chatting to the mums there and just observe. You could join a class like NCT or the NHS usually run one for expectant mothers. Join the pregnancy due date forums on Mumsnet or download the Mush app to meet expectant and new mums in your area. Not everyone feels maternal right away. And that is ok, as long as you don't try to ignore it/bury head in the sand and carry on as before. You could have an early scan privately rather than wait until 12 weeks and this might help you bond seeing the baby for the first time. Kids are the hardest job you'll ever have. But it is all worth it seeing them grow and smile, take their first steps, first words and knowing you are their ultimate world. Otherwise people wouldn't have more than one! Good luck.

I was like you in terms of drinking and the rest. I no longer drink at all and as you say, hold on to the lack of hangovers! I didn’t bother drinking during my pregnancies as I didn’t see the point in having one (never did anyway). So many drinks available for the sober drinking - non alcoholic beer is great, kombucha, plenty of rum and gin substitutes. As a pp said, think detox and do yoga! Best of luck.

@Bilingualspingual yeah I was the same didn't really drink unless it's a night out. I'm noticing changes that are making it easier anyway clear skin more energy etc you don't realise the effects just of drinking etc every weekend until you don't do it! Having a bbq Friday and going to try some alcohol free drinks. Thanks xx

Lol get help

(Meant at purplefoxes OBVIOUSLY)

@Purplefoxes well no I won't know and I'll be learning every day I'm sure! He's taking some steps in the right direction now and things are going well he's off the booze during the week and just drinking at weekends which I'm fine with and happy to see he's making the effort. I have a great support network in terms of family and friends we are a close family but in all honesty I don't have the time to go to any classes or volunteer as I work two jobs and have half a house to renovate before baby arrives! I think the maternal instincts will kick in as the pregnancy progresses and I have scans etc. I'm ten weeks today and have my first scan on 11th July think reality will hit then and maybe I'm subconsciously not allowing myself to get too excited until I hit the 12 weeks 'safe' point!

Hope your scan went ok

Thought I'd give a little update I'm now just over 14 weeks had my dating scan and due date is 11th Jan, also had an early gender scan and I'm having a little boy. The initial shock and worry has definitely worn off and I'm getting more excited. Plus what lots of you said about the no drinking etc and change of lifestyle was true. As time has gone on I've started to really enjoy the fresh weekends I feel much better and I can see positive physical changes such as my skin and energy etc better routine and just generally getting more done off the to do list that I've had forever! So it's definitely been a blessing I disguised just took a little getting used to 😊 wierdly I can't even imagine going 'out out' anymore even though it hasn't been that long! Living for comfy clothes and early nights 😂

Also I've had to change my username as the other stopped working so this is still my post just a different name