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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Struggling to cope - unsupportive husband and a couple of weeks left to go

34 replies

Lill789 · 10/05/2022 14:35

Currently in last trimester with our first baby, it was a planned baby. DH has always been difficult to help with domestic stuff but he reassured me that he would pull his weight more when I got pregnant.

That didn't happen, then he said he would help more as my pregnancy progressed. I'm now nearly 38 weeks pregnant, I'm suffering with severe lower back pain and shooting pains up my calf, and he still refuses to help me unless I go on and on and on and on.

He hates cooking so won't make me food.
He won't do the washing up.
Won't help with our pet cat unless I keep on and on at him.
He just wants to play on his game and me asking him to do anything he just sighs and acts like I've massively inconvenienced him.
I still make all the dinners and food because if I don't then we don't eat. He's happy to eat at midnight and order takeaway each time When he has dinner he leaves his plate on the floor, leaves his drinks everywhere, leaves underwear and clothes on the floor. Now I'm struggling to pick it all up. He's incapable of putting stuff away.

He is better at doing stuff like building and fixing stuff, he rearranged our room and built new furniture - but to get him to do this I have had to ask him tens and tens of times. He does things when he wants to do them.

I've talked to him about this so many times, and he doesn't change. Talking to him does nothing.
Granted he does long hours at a very stressful and physical job - he is a very hard worker and he is a generous person - takes me out etc so I can't fault him on that.

However I work full time too, I've just finished work to go on maternity but because I have an office job he doesn't see it the same. When I have a day off I still do all the housework, whereas when it's his day off he wants to relax and me asking for any help is a nuisance.

Other than this he is loving mostly and is looking forward to the baby.

So like today it's his day off, I wanted him to help me see if our new car seat fits on our buggy. I'm struggling to lift anything at the moment and he just wanted to play his game and got annoyed at me.

I'm feeling really tearful and upset, I don't want to leave as I love him and i know he will be a good dad. I have no idea what to do. I'm trying to focus on the good things but he is so disinterested in everything relating to our baby and unwilling to support me with simple things I feel alone. He plays down how I feel so much I wonder if he will have any sympathy at even the birth.

OP posts:

catsnore · 10/05/2022 14:58

OP this doesn't sound good. Soon you will need all the support you can get as you recover from birth and adjust to having a baby in the house. You might not be able to do any housework or cooking for a while. You'll be tired and hormonal, and possibly stuck on the sofa, feeding. You'll need someone to bring you food, water, lip balm etc when you are holding a sleeping baby. He willl need to step up talk to him now before you are desperate and make it clear it's not acceptable.

KILM · 10/05/2022 15:01

Oh OP :(
Deep breaths.
If he's not being a good partner, why would he be a good dad? Think about what you think a good dad or partner looks like, is he those things?
Have you ever lost your temper with him on these things, or shown how upset you are, or do you try and remain calm even if you're upset each time? The reason i ask this is because some people are literally oblivious, and need a massive kick up the arse to see that their behaviour isnt acceptable. Im not saying go in screaming, but i've learnt the hard way that by being calm and patient and reasonable some people genuinely think 'well they didnt seem that upset, so it cant be a big deal'
Did you plan this baby together, does he seem excited at all?
Massive hug from me, its the last thing you need, its not normal or okay and you deserve better.

KILM · 10/05/2022 15:03

Just want to make it clear im not making excuses for him or say you've dome anything wrong cos you havnt. I bet he cleans up after himself & helps out at work, so he is capable, he just doesnt want to. Which is horrible to hear, but dont fall into the trap of making excuses for him. If you asked him if he thought it was fair that you did all the housework, what would he say?

Annasgirl · 10/05/2022 15:04

This is the life you will lead from now on. He will not change. You can either accept this as your life and be content; accept this as your life and be angry; change your life by leaving him. What you cannot do is get him to change. I won’t bother with the “why did you” question, since you are now 38 weeks pregnant, but please, try to get your finances in order so you can leave him when you eventually get to option 3.

Hugasauras · 10/05/2022 15:09

Oh OP. So many times people say 'But he'll be a great dad!' about a lazy, uninvolved, manchild of a husband.

No. Great dads do not watch their wives struggle. Great dads do not absent themselves from housework. Great dads don't expect their wives to look after them hand and foot. He will not be a great dad. He may be a superficially entertaining dad for an hour a day or so, but he won't be a great one.

And I hate to say it, but it won't get better when the baby arrives. It'll probably get worse, because if he expects you to do all this stuff when you're working then what will he expect when you're on maternity leave? You'll be his skivvy.

What can you do? Two options: you read the riot act. And I mean you seriously go to town on him and tell him that you will not live with that and if he wants a family life then he has to pull his weight as part of the family. Or you leave. Maybe the shock that he might lose you/baby will galvanise him. If it doesn't, you have your answer anyway.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 10/05/2022 15:13

He’s not going to change and I think you might end up resenting him when baby is here. Baby is going to be more or less glued to you, you’ll need him to bring you snacks, drinks, bring you a pillow for feeding or sterilise some bottles, bring you a muslin or a clean top, bring you painkillers perhaps even have to nip out and get you pain killers or more maternity pads. That’s before we get into him changing baby’s nappy or taking baby so you can have a break and get some sleep or staying on top of the housework.

Do you have any other support?

11stonesomething · 10/05/2022 15:15

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 10/05/2022 15:21

If he won't help with the cat what makes you think he'll help with a baby?

Tothepoint99 · 10/05/2022 16:04

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Exactly this. He'll soon pull his finger out.

NewandNotImproved · 10/05/2022 16:08

Christ. Well no, he obviously will not be a good father. And he’s trash as a husband so…
Plan for single parenthood. Even if he’s in the house, you’ll be doing everything alone.

MolliciousIntent · 10/05/2022 16:11

What on earth makes you think he'd be a good dad?

Merryclaire · 10/05/2022 16:54

What a man child! This sounds just like my best friend’s ex husband - he put baby gates around his gaming zone so he could play undisturbed, and he was always prioritising going to the pub with his mates - hardly ever helped out. He was actually a nice, personable guy, and very loving to her, but my friend was left to be mum to him along with the kids, so it’s not surprising that she eventually fell out of love with him.
It does sound like he needs a shock - as talking hasn’t helped. I agree with a PP that you should consider checking into a hotel or staying at your parents. If he’s not desperate to get you back home and make amends, then you have your answer.

stairgates · 10/05/2022 16:55

Get your plan ready to leave, this will go on for years so get out early if you can.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 10/05/2022 17:17

*That didn't happen, then he said he would help more as my pregnancy progressed. I'm now nearly 38 weeks pregnant, I'm suffering with severe lower back pain and shooting pains up my calf, and he still refuses to help me unless I go on and on and on and on.

He hates cooking so won't make me food.
He won't do the washing up.
Won't help with our pet cat unless I keep on and on at him.*

Right now the baby is residing in your body. If he is not taking care of you then he is not taking care of the baby. He doesn’t care enough if the baby is fully nourished to make you food. If you are suffering from lower back pain and shooting pains in your calves then these are not good signs that your body is coping well with the pregnancy. You need to be resting to give your baby the best chance. But he doesn’t care about the baby enough to let you do that.

And the implications of you doing the cat care could be very serious indeed.

He doesn’t sound like someone who is going to be a “great dad”. Or even a good dad. Maybe a “just about adequate enough so that children’s services don’t take the baby” dad. Which basically means “doesn’t let the baby starve to death or drop it out of a window”. You will have to do all the parenting if you want the parenting to be decent - let alone good.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/05/2022 17:22

What you see is what you get, op, and he isn't changing. In fact, things will be so much worse after the baby arrives. I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's true.

Unless this is how you want to live your life, make an exit plan right now. Get rid of this waster.

SamanthaVimes · 10/05/2022 17:40

This is really bad. It doesn’t sound like he’ll be a good dad at all.
If he won’t pull his weight now why will he suddenly start when the baby is born?
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this when you should be doing as much resting as possible.

Could you stay with your mum for a bit? You’ll need actual help over the baby is here. It’s hard even when both of you are putting full effort in

Sunnytwobridges · 10/05/2022 18:39

Sorry, but I don't see how you think he will be a good dad. He does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Which is not much at all. you will have to nag him about the baby just like you have to nag him now. HOpefully i'm wrong but based on what you've posted I doubt it unfortunately.

LollyLol · 10/05/2022 18:45

Wait til he goes to work, then confiscate his gaming gear and tell him he can have it back on baby's first birthday. Or when he gets his act together and starts behaving like a husband and father. Whichever is sooner.

tobi21 · 10/05/2022 18:48

Imo part of being a "good dad" starts before the baby is born, a good dad would look after the mother of his unborn child. Anyone who watches you struggle and in pain, or isn't willing to help unless nagged to death, is not going to change.

Minimalme · 10/05/2022 19:02

He is already a shit Dad so definitely don't suppose he will morphe into someone half decent once the baby is here.

My 8 year old complains when I ask him to help out because he wants to play his games.

He will grow out of that and into a nice, kind man who cares about and helps his family.

Your dh seems to have missed out on maturing and is a big lazy, petulant man-child.

Wolfiefan · 10/05/2022 19:08

He won’t be a good dad. He’s a crap husband. Time to plan an exit.

GreatCuppa · 10/05/2022 20:10

What do you think makes a good Dad? He can’t even manage to be a good husband.

AliceW89 · 10/05/2022 20:15

Do you live near your family? The newborn period is difficult - not everyone will agree with this, but I found it both physically and emotionally far tougher than the third trimester of pregnancy. I would have sank without trace if I had been married to your OH, quite frankly.

Suprima · 10/05/2022 20:18

He’s not going to change my love. I’m sorry he conned you. Once a lazy fucker who doesn’t respect you, always a lazy fucker who doesn’t respect you. You’ve tolerated him so far and he is comfortable. He will not pull his weight. You are at your most vulnerable and you should be being cherished and taken care of.

Please don’t let the ‘stressful job’ thing pull the wool over your eyes. My baby’s father is a high earner, very stressful job with a lot of responsibility and a 14 hour work day across multiple time zones. He still does all of the cooking, and the majority of the cleaning. And DIY and life admin. If I felt a bit under the weather, I would be ushered to bed.

If he wanted to make your life more pleasant and easier, he would- but gaming and his needs come first.

there is honestly no practical advice I can give you except walk. He’s not helping you out at all anyway, and this is only the beginning. Do you have a support network?

Suprima · 10/05/2022 20:21

And who cares if he takes you out?

thats absolute bare minimum. You’re in an apparent romantic relationship, no?

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